Why do I get so angry at my children?

[CostcoSamples]

I have 3 kids, ages 5, 3, and 1. My oldest, a boy, is a wonderful person but my repeated failure to control my temper has caused him to detach from our once close connection. I am new to peaceful parenting (been trying to do it for about a year now). I am very ashamed to say that I spanked him from about age 2 to 4. But even now I still lose control and hurt him physically usually by pushing him. I know he is terrified but I just get so overcome with anger in the moment. It breaks my heart when I think of all the times I've hurt him, even now I'm crying as I type.

 

Because of how I've treated him, he is detached from me and does not listen or even want to talk most of the time. He's become defiant and wants to be in charge. I know I need to reconnect with him and earn back his trust and love but my anger gets in the way. I'll succeed for a month or two then something stupid will set me off and I'll scream or push and we are back to square one.

 

My own upbringing was terrible. My parents spanked me a lot, they screamed at me and each other constantly. I thought I had dealt with these issues until I became a father, now i see I have a long way to go.

 

My other two kids have suffered some but not as much. My first boy has taken the brunt of it. I want desperately to be the kind of father my son needs. I want to be the father I always wanted.

 

I can't afford therapy but if anyone knows of some workbooks or other ideas I'm open to any suggestions!

[Tony Crowe]

Thank you for sharing that. I'm feeling sad when I read what you were doing.

 

What does it mean when you say "set me off" or "lose control?" What is that like?

[Eternal Growth]

Imagine posting to a feminist forum "I've been with my wife for 5 years now. I'm very ashamed to say I hit her for two years of our relationship. But even now I lose control and hurt her physically. I desperately want to be the kind of husband my wife needs. "

 

Well, that is the situation you're in. Except it is even worse than that, because by the nature of your relationships with your children being voluntary for you and involuntary for them, the standards can only be even higher for you than they would be for you were it a mutually voluntary relationship with an adult woman, where she chose to be there and could leave at any time.

 

What's more: in a relationship between two adults, the brain and personality of each has largely already been formed and won't be affected much by the relationship. In the parent-child relationship, the child's brain is still forming - and it is forming in response to the environment the parent exposes the child to. For your son, that has been an environment in which he was regularly physically assaulted.

 

I am sorry to hear about your own upbringing. How connected do you feel you are with the immorality of how your parents treated you as a child? How angry are you towards them?

[SamuelS]

I can't imagine it's going to change if you keep making excuses for your behavior. His desire to be in charge seems perfectly reasonable to me, as he's likely more in control of himself than you are yourself. I don't have any good answers, but step one is stop excusing yourself.

 

"but I just get so overcome with anger in the moment" and "then something stupid will set me off"... Learn some self control, man, I'm sure your son is expected to control himself better than you have. A bit ridiculous and hypocritical, don't you think?

[Bortasz]

I have 3 kids, ages 5, 3, and 1. My oldest, a boy, is a wonderful person but my repeated failure to control my temper has caused him to detach from our once close connection. I am new to peaceful parenting (been trying to do it for about a year now). I am very ashamed to say that I spanked him from about age 2 to 4. But even now I still lose control and hurt him physically usually by pushing him. I know he is terrified but I just get so overcome with anger in the moment. It breaks my heart when I think of all the times I've hurt him, even now I'm crying as I type.Because of how I've treated him, he is detached from me and does not listen or even want to talk most of the time. He's become defiant and wants to be in charge. I know I need to reconnect with him and earn back his trust and love but my anger gets in the way. I'll succeed for a month or two then something stupid will set me off and I'll scream or push and we are back to square one.My own upbringing was terrible. My parents spanked me a lot, they screamed at me and each other constantly. I thought I had dealt with these issues until I became a father, now i see I have a long way to go.My other two kids have suffered some but not as much. My first boy has taken the brunt of it. I want desperately to be the kind of father my son needs. I want to be the father I always wanted.I can't afford therapy but if anyone knows of some workbooks or other ideas I'm open to any suggestions!

 

Do you try realising steam other ways?

[Ruben Zandstra]

That's a terrible situation, I'm so sorry. Have you considered calling in to the show?

I'm pretty sure Michael and Stef would put you to the front of the queue.

 

I don't think any recommendation on a workbook or some single idea is going to fix this. (Reading Alice Miller being one small idea ).

 

Are you sure you cannot afford therapy? I mean since you're raising three kids there must be some kind of a steady budget.

[CostcoSamples]

I know my situation is bad. I know I am duplicating the same crap that was inflicted on me. I know the morality of what I've done is very bad. For a long time I tried to justify it and minimize it in my mind. I am no longer willing to do that. I accept your criticism as completely valid and although it is hard to hear, thank you. Don't hold back if you have more to say.

 

I feel as though I have unprocessed anger toward my parents. I blocked a lot of my childhood out but there were some pretty terrible things in my family. Aside from regular spanking on the bare bum, at times with a wooden spoon, aside from being forced into my bedroom for "misbehaviour" and literally crying for what felt like hours to be let out, and the regular screaming and manipulation and lots of other garbage. Aside from all that, my mom was literally brainwashed by a religious psychopath into thinking she was one of his many wives and did all kinds of nasty things with him. Then the divorce and subsequent abandonment by my father. So yeah my family is pretty messed up. I'm still trying to sort it out in my head and emotionally. I know that to be a better father I must first deal with my past.

[SamuelS]

you say you can't afford therapy...I would look at it that you can either get therapy, or most likely be estranged from your child(ren) once (t)he(y) reach adulthood. how can you not afford therapy in this situation? somebody's gonna have to get therapy, better it's you than your children down the road.

a quick google search for "effective anger management strategies" comes back with 1.2 million results...I checked a few of the links and while some of them give justifications that I don't feel are appropriate here, the strategies themselves could be quite valuable.one of the first links said something related that I found to be quite interesting, which may be useful in motivating you:"Frequent anger poses health risks too. One study found that people who get angry regularly are more likely to suffer from coronary heart disease, eating disorders, and obesity. Research has also found a correlation between anger and premature death. Further studies have found that there is a link between anger and conditions such as anxiety and depression."

[cynicist]

Because you aren't getting angry at your parents.

[Tyler Durden]

What Robert said, you need to let the justified anger that you feel towards your parents out completely.

[MMX2010]

Please, please, please email MMD and schedule a call-in show with Stef.

 

If you really believe that " I know I am duplicating the same crap that was inflicted on me. I know the morality of what I've done is very bad. For a long time I tried to justify it and minimize it in my mind. I am no longer willing to do that.", then Stef can provide empathy and a plan-of-action much more efficiently than we message board posters can. 

 

Thanks for even getting to the point where you know what you know.  But now you must learn how to alter your life based on what you now know. 

[JSDev]

In a recent call in show, Stef said that often, the anger we feel toward our children, is really misdirected anger meant for our parents, anger we weren't allowed to express as children. Something to think about.