My Dad Died When I Was 8

[Mango]

My dad died a week before my 8th birthday, after 2 weeks in the hospital. I'm 30 now. I've been doing a lot of introspection recently and I'm feeling a lot of pain about his death. 

 

One of the layers to this is, motivated by Stef's podcasts and all the books I have found through them, I have been telling the truth to myself about my mother's treatment of me and have distanced myself from her. She was abusive and she has shown me she is not interested in being honest with herself. 

 

Part of what is difficult for me to wrap my head around is that I don't really know my dad. I have shed the 4th Commandment that I must love my parents, but the memories I have of my dad are through the lens of an idolizing 7 year old daughter. I don't have the opportunity to find out what kind of person he is or have a relationship with him, and I feel sad and confused thinking about that. 

 

I remember the big bear hugs he used to give me when he was tucking me in at night. I remember his detailed and direct explanations. I know that even though he was raised religious and my mom was Christian, he was atheist. I know the shows he watched on TV. I don't remember him ever punishing me, and his mother (my grandma) told me that to her frustration, he always explained things to me at great length instead of disciplining me. Although, I do remember times where my mom was punishing me and getting angry with me while he stood by. And, he continued a relationship with his mother despite her un-empathetic treatment and rough discipline (though she claims she never spanked him). 

 

When I finally stopped using religion as self-medication about a year ago after finding FDR, the grief became raw again. He's NOT in a better place, I WON'T ever see him again, this WASN'T for a reason to make me stronger, etc. 

 

I'd like to achieve is complete honesty with myself, and part of that is admitting that it was really fucking painful, and it still is. I can't imagine any of my childhood friends living a healthy life if they lost their father. I remember the first time I calculated my ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score, I got zero (= no adverse childhood experiences). Death of a parent was not on the test, and I was blocking out the abuse of my mother and her boyfriend out at the time. That is not the reality, though. I had a very traumatic and painful childhood. 

 

I've listened to/read a lot about the effects of child abuse, but I want to gain a better understanding of the effects of losing my father. It's tough to even find one book that isn't filled with religion, mysticism or idolization of parents. Does anyone have any recommended reading from an FDR type perspective? 

 

Thanks for reading, and any thoughts on how I can gain self-knowledge towards this and heal the trauma would be appreciated. 

[PGP]

Dear Mango, to have lost you father at such a young age and in such circumstance is tremendously unfair and painful. You have said that your fathers loss was all the greater for the lost opportunities and guidance that could have been. This has been all the greater still for your mothers behaviour and how she communicated with you. For the pain, loss and trauma you have experienced, I am tremendously sorry.

In your experience, I can empathise and relate. I lost my father at a much older age of 20. I can relate to the felling of pain and loss and the feeling of being cheated in comparison to my friends and peers who couldn't seem to appreciate my loss. The circumstances of my fathers death and my relationship with him were quite different. It is only after ten years of him passing and with the further loss of my mother that I have gained some perspective on them, their choices and the home they created for the family. This was a dysfunctional upbringing for us all and this dysfunction has continued into some of the familys lives in a major way. It is only in recent times and in retrospect that I can pass judgement on my parents, their actions and choices. Nonetheless, the feeling of loss and what could have been is there.

My own approach is to separate myself from them and their choices absolutely. I am a separate individual and I have made different choices, more responsible choices alot of the time despite the barriers they placed for me. Above all else, I am determined to end the cycle of dysfunction at whatever cost. 

I know that I am not answering your questions directly. I am early on the path to self-knowledge myself, so perhaps there are others who are further along than I who can be more relevant. Nonetheless, perhaps there is something in what I have said that may be of use to you. Again, I am very sorry for what you have had to deal with. I am glad that you are following this path.

[Mango]

Thank you, PGP, for taking the time to reply & share your thoughts.

 

That must have been extremely difficult to survive that disfunction, and to deal with the loss of your father at that age. Wow. I'm sorry to hear that you've experienced this pain, and I certainly relate to your peers not being able to grasp what the loss meant to you. Kudos to you for being on the path to self-knowledge and being committed to ending the cycle of dysfunction. 

 

You say the feeling of loss of what could have been is still there, which touches on part of what I'm struggling with right now. Was there a way you were able to gain a sense of closure in that regard?

[PGP]

Mango, thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it very much. I will try and relate my experience to you as regards the feelings of loss for what could have been. As I have written, I still feel that yearning for my parents to still be alive and for what could have been. But, I have come to the realisation that even before they died, I had this feeling for my entire life, particularly from the age of 12-13 onwards. The best word I have found to describe this feeling is the German word "sehnsucht". One interpretation of this word is the yearning for a far-off land that does not exist. That far-off land for me has always and continues to be a functional, respectful, cooperative and connected family. 

At the age of 12 or so a couple of things were in my life that began to get me thinking about what a good family should look like and feel like and the implications of a bad family. Firstly, I was fortunate enough to have a friend with whoms family I spent alot of time. The difference between my family and theirs was night and day, heaven and hell. Also, as part of my school curriculum, I read a book that had as one of it's main themes the repetition of familial and cultural history with all the horror and tragedy. So, at this age, I could recognise that there was something terribly wrong with my family. Not only that, but as the youngest, I could see the same patterns and dysfunction in my older siblings as they came to adulthood and beyond. Now, I had a fundamental conflict in my life between having to be part of this family, trying to survive it, while having the knowledge that it was a cruel accident of chance that was completely unnecessary. So, as a child captive, I adapted to my situation still with the cognitive dissonance of knowing how wrong it was. Every day my parents and then my siblings had the opportunity to see what I could see, but they did not see it and if they did, they did not act on it. I desperately wanted them to change while watching them get worse.

My hope was to get on with my education as best I could to have the chance of getting away from them. Here, I have found what Stefan has talked about to be extremely valuable. He speaks of the subconscious and the conscious thought. My conscious thought was as above. My unconscious was modelling on my parents. It was hardwired into my brain and I had no choice as a child. My blank canvass was filled by them and their dysfunction. This is what I am the most angry about and it is the challenge I have had and continue to deal with.

I am getting into alot of stuff here but I am trying to give a fuller picture for what my feeling of loss is for what could have been. Moving into my late teens and 20's my fathers death hit me like a ton of bricks. Not for my father but for what my father could have been. Between this time and my mothers death in 2012 I began to hate my mother and to see her for what she was, the accumulation of her choices. Her choices and her Catholic martyrdom was externalised onto us as children. Never, not once did she exhibit adherance to rationality. The situation became extremely painful for me when she was diagnosed with cancer in 2010. I felt the responsibility to do all I could to help care for her financially, logistically, spending time with her and being a support. I spent one and a half years, an enormous amount of money and putting my life and career on hold to care for and support someone whom had done so much harm to me and my siblings. I did it out of a sense of duty but the mental and emotional toll on me was enormous. It is the most foolish thing I have ever done.

Following my mothers death in 2012 and particularly moving into the latter half of 2013, when I started listening to FDR, I have begun to reevaluate all of my relationships and my choices. I have almost totally cut off contact from my siblings through this reevaluation and I have never had such a weight off my shoulders. I will not make the same mistake with them as I made with my parents.

So, my feeling of loss for my parents and what could have been is a bone-deep feeling of loss for what they could have been, not for what they were. I have been and continue to yearn for something that never existed. I am aware of that now and this is the difference for me.  Not for one second can I contemplate living my life and making the choices they made and creating a family in this reckless manner. This is their judgement. 

This is my experience, but I think as you lost your father at a very young age, yours has some important differences, perhaps some real possibility of what may have been different. I say perhaps because only you can make this judgement.

Again, I hope there is something helpful in this for you. 

[Mango]

PGP, my heart goes out to you for the pain of trying to survive through dysfunction, the fight of trying to get them to see it and change, the emotional repercussions that you experienced from their abuse. What a toll taking care of your mother and sacrificing another year & a half must have had, too. 

 

I sent you a PM with some other thoughts that I'd rather share privately.