RuralRon Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 Hi folks, recently a woman whom I have known since the first of this year revealed to me she was attracted to me and was fairly aggressive in her pursuit of me. This is the first time this has happened that I recall. I have a casual working relationship with this woman. Her husband is much older and his health is very bad. Lets call her Dolly. Her home life sounds like taking care of the elderly in a nursing home. Dolly has a little jewelry shop in a store run by another woman I'll call Stephanie. I run a small business next to Stephanie's. Both of these women are religious statists. I am not the type to flirt generally, and I never would unless I found the flirtee attractive. I have no attraction to either of them and they are both married anyways. Dolly & Stephanie have been friends for at least 10 years. The first hint I had was an email Dolly sent me saying "the next time you see me just kiss me damn it". I replied with a ? I thought I had missed something in one of her earlier emails. Dolly came over to my business just before closing time when nobody was there with me, and wanted me to play a CD. As it began to play she asked me to dance and I said what? As she moved towards me I moved away and said I can't dance with my limpy leg. I kept turning away to avoid her. She finally gave up. I've been on the other side of similar situations and know how much it hurts to be rejected that way, so I am empathetic to her position. But I felt very uncomfortable. All three of us often sit around a table when business is slow to have a quick sandwich or coffee and talk about trivial things or community activities usually. They typically find something to do whenever I talk about real issues or question the rationality of their statements. Dolly is always trying to do things for me, like make me lunch or cut my hair, or buy me a soda. There is an awkward silence whenever Stephanie leaves the two of us alone at the table. I asked Dolly the day after she asked me to dance if she has told anyone about her attraction to me and she said no. I believe she hasn't told Stephanie b/c Stephanie takes her religion more seriously than Dolly and her behavior would probably not go over too well. Plus Dolly's jewelry shop is in Stephanie's store. But they do have quite a long history so Stephanie may know. I feel a tension to ask Dolly why she feels drawn to me (they both know I'm no longer religious and how much I think the state is morally wrong) or why she thinks there's hope I'll ever be attracted to her, but I'm uncomfortable and afraid my questions would be misconstrued as romantic interest. So I'm posting this here to see what the FDR community thinks and hear any comments you may have on my situation. What would you do in this situation?
Mister Hugz Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 hey there RuralRon! Seems like a tricky situation. My first question to you would be, why do you think you felt uncomfortable?
RuralRon Posted August 1, 2014 Author Posted August 1, 2014 Hey Mister, thanks for you question! First reason has to do with dancing. I've never liked it, and never got very good at it. And now I have a rather severe limp and my motion isn't very smooth. I feel self conscious about it, which in itself should be explored deeper. Second reason is I didn't find this person attractive, so her advances weren't welcome. Your question is actually very good. I am self conscious, or put another way I lack confidence in situations I have limited experience with or that I feel I might be publicly humiliated. And what popped in my head as I thought about humiliating experiences was back in the 4th grade I wet my pants and the entire class laughed as I ran to the door. There were others related to incidents of being bullied in school, tho none specifically come to mind.
Jack Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 Nice post Ron, it sounds like you've found yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. As Dolly is married and still pursuing you, it would be safe to say that she does not like one-partner relationships. That means that even if her husband died tomorrow and you married her, eventually, she'd probably cheat on you. In addition, since you didn't mention she's coming off of statism or religion, I'd bet she's not serious about an intellectual connection. Dolly seems to be obsessed with you because of your intelligence, uniqueness (atheist anarchist), and I'd assume honesty. My first inclination is to say, "tell her flat out you're not interested and stop taking her gifts," but that may not be the best idea. If you come out against her affection too strong, she may try to damage your relationship with Stephanie. It's very hard for me to feel free empathy for Dolly because it seems like she's trying to use you to validate her power as a woman. For how to reject Dolly (that seems to be what you want to do), I can't really give advice. Your closest to the situation and know more about it than I do. I can say, that you should keep track of what happens when you're with Dolly, especially alone. Keep a journal, and make copies of records when you can. It may come down to Dolly trying to leverage sexual harassment against you and you'll want evidence of the truth on your side. I wish you luck for dealing with Dolly and Stephane, and I hope it won't disrupt your life. Thanks for the post, Jack
BrianBrian Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 If she was offering to do all those things for you prior to the email, the email was not the first clue.
Brandon Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 "I feel a tension to ask Dolly why she feels drawn to me (they both know I'm no longer religious and how much I think the state is morally wrong) or why she thinks there's hope I'll ever be attracted to her, but I'm uncomfortable and afraid my questions would be misconstrued as romantic interest." Or maybe you're just a sexy guy. I don't think moral differences are that big of a deterent for most people. "Dolly came over to my business just before closing time when nobody was there with me, and wanted me to play a CD. As it began to play she asked me to dance and I said what? As she moved towards me I moved away and said I can't dance with my limpy leg. I kept turning away to avoid her. She finally gave up." I have a hard time with dancing to. I felt uncomfortable just reading that. Thats something I should probably think about.
Wesley Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 I would recommend setting your boundaries and expressing what you are comfortable with at this time. Once the boundaries are set, you are free to move around within those boundaries and to let Dolly know if/when you are comfortable expanding them. It sounds to me like this is an issue with boundaries and you both have different ideas as to where they are or what you want them to be. Negotiating and figuring out where they are could be very useful for you and for her. You also may not be exactly sure where your boundaries are and a conversation about the topic would be useful in figuring that out. I would also analyze what signals you may have been putting out there that she thought that your boundaries were somewhere outside of your comfort zone.
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