Mister Hugz Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 I just had a powerful experience listening to podcast 339 where Stef talks about imagining abusing your abusers when they are old and frail. He said think about the look they would give you as you beat them. I started to uncontrollably weep from the depths of my gut for about a minute or so. then the emotion faded away. A similar experience has happened to me before when I listened to a podcast on abusive mothers as well. My question is, would these kinds of experiences be dangerous if you don't have a professional to help you process correctly? thanks for reading 1
DaVinci Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 I wouldn't think that feeling sadness or grief in this way is dangerous. In fact I would say it might even be healthy. 1
Kevin Beal Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 I think that it's pretty safe to say that you need to feel what you feel and not suppress the feeling. I don't think the same thing can be said about the thoughts that accompany those feelings. For example, you want to feel rage, but you don't want to find that person and beat them to a pulp. The point being honesty. It's honest to say that you feel a certain way, and it's even honest to say that a thought occurred to you, but it's not honest in the same way to conclude that the thought is true or that you should act on it. "Processing things correctly" might as well be a synonym for honesty. I can't imagine going wrong with that kind of honesty. I think it's more when it comes to conclusions that we need help. Even people who've done lots of therapy still need their friends / lovers to be able to have their back with those conclusions. But a good therapist should help with that, and with encouraging the kind of honesty mentioned above. I would highly recommend a good therapist (I went 4 years), but you can try getting feedback on the conclusions you have on the boards. People 'round these parts are generally pretty insightful, curious and empathetic. So, toward that end, if you don't mind me asking: what did you think and feel when you imagined abusing past abusers? 1
Slavik Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 Hi Hugs, thank you for sharing. In which way do you suspect for the experiences to be dangerous? As far as the rest goes, to me it sounds like there are 2 things going on. 1) You clearly have a great amount of empathy (which in itself is a great thing) 2) The imagined old abusers face, is actually yourself as a child. This is what I am not sure that you have processed. When you were abused as a child this is what they saw, and instead of stopping the abuse immediately, they have continued. You wept, they kept abusing. Maybe this perspective will help you. I am curious though, what do you think the danger might be? Professional help is always great, even if you think you dont need it, it wont hurt, you will still benefit. 1
Mister Hugz Posted August 3, 2014 Author Posted August 3, 2014 I wouldn't think that feeling sadness or grief in this way is dangerous. In fact I would say it might even be healthy. Thanks for posting DaVinci! I agree with you. I just had some additional questions in the first paragraph below / I think that it's pretty safe to say that you need to feel what you feel and not suppress the feeling. I don't think the same thing can be said about the thoughts that accompany those feelings. For example, you want to feel rage, but you don't want to find that person and beat them to a pulp. The point being honesty. It's honest to say that you feel a certain way, and it's even honest to say that a thought occurred to you, but it's not honest in the same way to conclude that the thought is true or that you should act on it. "Processing things correctly" might as well be a synonym for honesty. I can't imagine going wrong with that kind of honesty. I think it's more when it comes to conclusions that we need help. Even people who've done lots of therapy still need their friends / lovers to be able to have their back with those conclusions. But a good therapist should help with that, and with encouraging the kind of honesty mentioned above. I would highly recommend a good therapist (I went 4 years), but you can try getting feedback on the conclusions you have on the boards. People 'round these parts are generally pretty insightful, curious and empathetic. So, toward that end, if you don't mind me asking: what did you think and feel when you imagined abusing past abusers? Thank you so much Kevin, that clears things up a bunch. I am new to self knowledge and I heard a podcast of stef talking about how a therapist will be there to help you to avoid regression and process the emotions in an adult way. I think what we are doing here is the adult part. We are talking about thoughts and feelings. I am HUGELY thankful for all of your guys' insight and thoughtful input! But if I had not come here to talk about it, would It have been a regressive experience? would feeling pain in the moment, internalize the thoughts and never actually process them be the dangerous part? Thoughts and feelings. What I felt the moment I exposed that wound was pure hate. Sadistic rage. I felt that my mom is dead to me as I am dead to her. Crawling into her evil rotting skin sends shivers down my spine. I thought I FUCKING HATE HER. She wanted me dead the moment she gave birth to me (she had postpartum depression after I was born). I think my subconscious processed this reality a long time ago when I was about 12 years old. I had a dream. This dream was one of those dreams that were hyper realistic. In the dream I woke up from my nap to a police officer at my doorstep ringing the doorbell. I opened the door and they said is the residents of "insert moms name" and i said yes. Then the officer said I'm sorry son, but your mother has just been in a fatal car accident. The sheer terror that I felt woke me up and I was hysterically crying and screaming at my stepdad that MOM IS DEAD MOM IS DEAD!. He had to calm me down and reassure me over and over that she was just at the store getting groceries. Hi Hugs, thank you for sharing. In which way do you suspect for the experiences to be dangerous? As far as the rest goes, to me it sounds like there are 2 things going on. 1) You clearly have a great amount of empathy (which in itself is a great thing) 2) The imagined old abusers face, is actually yourself as a child. This is what I am not sure that you have processed. When you were abused as a child this is what they saw, and instead of stopping the abuse immediately, they have continued. You wept, they kept abusing. Maybe this perspective will help you. I am curious though, what do you think the danger might be? Professional help is always great, even if you think you dont need it, it wont hurt, you will still benefit. I appreciate the feedback Slavik. For the danger part read above ^ I have always been conditioned and trained to have empathy for my mom. It feels scary but good to have empathy for myself for once! I feel like I need to break that slave mentality. "the imagined old abusers face, is actually yourself as a child" this hit home for me hardcore. Thank you This conversation has been great and I greatly appreciate all of you posting! 2
DaVinci Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I think the goal of therapy is in large part to be able to self analyze outside the sphere of the therapist, so as long as you are at least attempting to analyze your own thoughts I don't think you are in any real danger even if your ability to process what you are feeling is not perfect. I think the fact that you are even asking us these questions shows that you are not in danger of not processing them. Someone who doesn't try and process their own thoughts probably wouldn't be on FDR. That's my two cents anyways.
Mister Hugz Posted August 3, 2014 Author Posted August 3, 2014 Yeah I think you're right, DaVinci. Listening to these podcasts help out in this area SO MUCH! It's like having a compass in rough seas for sure.
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