Confronting my inner critic while processing anger.

[Three]

An incident happened at work which prompted a number of bad memories about my mother. One of my jobs is a fast food job. It isn't something I want to be doing long, especially after what happened recently, but I got this job out of desperation to get away from an abusive boss at my previous job.  During lunch hours, I approached two guys in the kitchen to ask for some food so that I could give it to the customer. The food was ready, just not packaged.

The two guys were talking and I did not want to interrupt. Sometimes, due to my history of being told repeatedly to never interrupt and for being attacked for disobeying this commandment, I to this day find it emotionally difficult to interrupt even when it's appropriate. This doesn't happen as frequently as it use to, but it still happens.  After a few seconds of stalling, I gave myself the green light to be assertive and asked, "hey, could you hand me that?"

The guy who I was talking to looked at me and non-verbally acknowledged me with a neutral glance. Before he could turn around to grab anything, the other guy in the kitchen spoke up for me and loudly asked, "Hey, could you hand Joel that over there." At first, I thought it was cool that he would help me out. But, what later followed betrayed my perception. "Speak up, Joel", he barked. He didn't yell, but his reply radiated irritation and harshness. I felt really angry after this. "Oh", I thought, "he spoke up as loud as he did not to help but rather to demonstrate to me the proper way ask for something and how 'it's not that hard'." What followed the anger was hurt. it's not easy for me to speak up.

The reason for that is because of my history, I'm monotone sometimes because I was not listened to, and I feel fear to bring life into my voice sometimes because in the past, I was attacked for that. And now i'm getting attacked for a symptom of that early abuse. Just as my mom would do the same by saying, "quit mumbling!". It's a no win situation. And then later this guy is going to have the nerve to ask me, "hey, you seem depressed?" I think the technical term for this guy would be  "fucking asshole." I mean, if someone can't even get something as simple as the concept of being nice down pat, I'm not sure that they are in any position condescend. And you know what?. I betcha even if I would have been assertive and had a voice like James Earl Jones, he would have said something else equally inflammatory like "OKAY, we're getting it. Calm down." So, maybe I should just view have as an automated abuse machine that demeans and denigrates regardless of the input.  I still feel angry, which is perhaps being generated by the message that is being communicated. Something akin to, "you're inferior and I know how to run your life better than you and the degree to which you're so incompetent is the degree to which I'm irritated with you."

And maybe the degree to which I feel angry is the degree to which I got it in my very core. I do in fact have an incredibly powerful antenna that can receive and interpret even the most cryptic of signals that for many others go unnoticed. I had to have this kind of sensitivity in order to survive. Or, perhaps other people's antenna is just as strong as mine, yet they willfully ignore it. Perhaps, their antenna truly is less sensitive than mine. For whatever reason, I seem to be bothered by things that don't even cross other people's minds.  Why is this the case? Are they stronger than me? More resilient? Oblivious? Numb? Disassociated? Or maybe, by asking the question, "are other's stronger" I'm implicitly agreeing with the message that, "I am inferior."  

Perhaps that's what the abuse was designed to do; to not only to provoke hurt and anger with the message but to get me to internalize the message, to believe it. and as I recall, all ideas or behaviors (i.e. memes) 'want' to replicate 'themselves'. Well, if that's the case then I choose to not give these abusive monsters power over me by recognizing the abuse for what it is, it is weakness. And the smallness I feel after being on the receiving end of the bullying is their smallness I'm feeling, not mine.

Thus, it's their issue they are too chicken shit to deal with. What do i do when i feel hurt and small? I embrace it, write about it, and then turn my shitty experience into something positive that I can share with others that will hopefully be helpful. This guy has the same capacity to do what I'm doing now, but he chooses not to. What I'm doing takes strength. The only strength these people have is from the power that I give them by internalizing these messages.

So, rather than attacking myself with their weapon, I choose to further empower myself with the responsibility of how I choose to react and think about these instances. I am not weak.  Besides, it is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a though without accepting it.   

[Dave Bockman]

If I had to guess, I would say that the person who jeered you saw or heard how difficult it was for you and decided to attack. In terms of exploitation, it's highly likely he was attacked in his own childhood for not being assertive, and just a syour anxiety was provoked by history, so was his when he (subconsciously) processed that. I'm not saying any of this to excuse his behavior.

[Three]

If I had to guess, I would say that the person who jeered you saw or heard how difficult it was for you and decided to attack. In terms of exploitation, it's highly likely he was attacked in his own childhood for not being assertive, and just a syour anxiety was provoked by history, so was his when he (subconsciously) processed that. I'm not saying any of this to excuse his behavior.

Hey, Dave! Thank you for reading and the reply. I think that's an excellent point and thank you for sharing that with me. That makes sense.

This guy was in the military, or on inactive duty or something like that, which says a lot about his personality type.  

[KyleC]

Thanks for sharing what was a really emotionally unpleasant encounter to have had.

It sounds like this guy could pick up on your feelings to some degree, but that his reaction was to put them down, by either lecturing you or pointing out something very boldly, which if true you would probably not feel safe to reveal in this context or to this person.  

And while it has been difficult for you historically to interrupt others to get some legitimate need met, you did take that risk here of speaking up.  And I imagine that was not easy to do.  

Kuudos to you for dealing with these challenges productively, and as you say not passing the buck onto others in the world.  In the title you mention your inner critic, but I could not gather what role this played for you in processing your anger.  But it sounds like these implicit messages you felt communicated by your co-worker got under your skin, and that these are a challenge to shake off.  If I get your meaning.

[Three]

Thanks for sharing what was a really emotionally unpleasant encounter to have had.

It sounds like this guy could pick up on your feelings to some degree, but that his reaction was to put them down, by either lecturing you or pointing out something very boldly, which if true you would probably not feel safe to reveal in this context or to this person.  

And while it has been difficult for you historically to interrupt others to get some legitimate need met, you did take that risk here of speaking up.  And I imagine that was not easy to do.  

Kuudos to you for dealing with these challenges productively, and as you say not passing the buck onto others in the world.  In the title you mention your inner critic, but I could not gather what role this played for you in processing your anger.  But it sounds like these implicit messages you felt communicated by your co-worker got under your skin, and that these are a challenge to shake off.  If I get your meaning.

Hey, Kyle. I appreciate your reply and reading my post. Thank you for the support. It certainly was not easy to speak up, but regardless of this pleasant experience I'm going to continue to speak up because its essential to not only get bad people out of my life, but to act in opposition to their programming. It was my parents who didn't want me to speak up.  The next day I walked in with my chin up, talked with life in my voice, and even made a few jokes . Oh, and the critic(I could be mistaken here, it could have been another part) was a part of me that came up and said "you're being oversensitive, the sensitivity is bad" and it then communicated in images by showing me other people who seem to just brush this kind of stuff off. Which this prompted the question? Are they stronger than me? More resilient? I realize that wasn't easy to gather since I didn't include that. I realize I didn't include these thoughts in the journal entry, so i understand