Fear of assertion, learned childhood behavior.

[Jas660]

I’m currently working on overcoming a powerful emotional response I have when it comes to asserting my own preferences. My problem is I don’t. When I attempt to I hit a wall of fear that leads me to staying quite or not participating.

 

I’m currently in therapy and I've figured out where it comes from. I’m just not sure the best way to work through it. The problem comes from early childhood where I learned not to put fourth my own preferences as this would result in abusive behavior from my mother.

 

One of three things happened when I put forth a preference. One, my mother would get angry and yell at me. Two, she would attack what I put forth as a desire.  Three, if it was with other people she would make me feel insecure about going to the point that I would say I don’t want to go.

 

What I've found that has helped in the past is re-imaging scenarios placing myself in there as an adult and defending myself from her. I've grown comfortable doing this. What I’m having difficulties doing is imagining myself asserting my preferences.

 

I think the fear I experiences is abandonment and rejection. My mom threatened us a few times with taking us to an orphanage and leaving us there. With me and my younger siblings she acted like she was calling the orphanage. With my older siblings my parents drove downtown at night and told them to get out of the car. They said they were going to drive off and leave them if they didn't behave.

 

I’m wondering if anyone has any suggestions on way that might help me work through this.

[Kevin Beal]

Wow! I'm really sorry. Your mother forced you through threat of abandonment to never assert your will and preferences. That is horribly cruel

 

I think that one thing that could be helpful is becoming intimately familiar with that existentially insecure feeling, like if you are assertive about your preferences that you will be abandoned. To know exactly what that feels like and be able to anticipate when it comes up. Getting to know it like it's another person that you care about and want to help grow. And also, ideally to have someone else know you that well too.

 

That way, when it does come up, it's not as ambiguous as to whether it's a healthy assessment of the current situation, or triggering of past trauma. And with that knowledge you can more confidently choose whatever you want to do, even if it's not to assert your preferences.

 

An exercise that I've done, which I think can be helpful, is to go to the worst case scenario and see if that would still warrant the feelings that come up. If I'm freaking out about paying rent this month and the worst case scenario that pops into my head is going temporarily into debt, then I'm probably not going to feel as freaked out. That's okay. It's not positive, but it's doable.

 

I've noticed that I am much more assertive now in my life as compared to where I used to be. I was never explicitly threatened with abandonment like you were, but what helped for me was becoming more secure in my relationships. I had people in my life for the first time who I could actually connect with, and have productive disagreements with. The security I felt there made the stakes not feel so big. I cared less about what people might say or do as a result of me asserting myself and so I did it more often.

 

I think also, being vulnerable in asserting your preferences is important. Vulnerability is a kind of strength, ironically enough.

 

You may be missing something and learn something important, or you may be right and practice asserting yourself with someone who can witness empathetically what that really means for you.

 

I'm not some super assertive guy or anything. I'm still working at it, but hopefully this is of at least some use

[Ace]

That whole worst case scenario thing is very helpful. I first heard of that sort of idea from some motivational type audiobooks from Brian Tracy. It's true, whenever you feel apprehensive about taking a certain course of action - just play it out in your mind, what the worst possible outcome could be. Invariably you realize that none of the things you are afraid of doing are going to lead to permanently crippling consequences.

 

I was very much afraid of asserting myself in the past. And I think I still am in certain circumstances. Understanding where that comes from is very valuable. But, I don't think understanding and being able to rationalize the cause of the feelings make them automatically go away. In the end it largely comes down to the typical thing they say, that you have to confront the fear. It doesn't make it easier to begin with for sure. But it's true, the kind of thing like asking a girl out- the first number of times you do it it's terrifying but after you've gone through that and realized first hand that whatever the outcome, life goes on and you're okay, it's not a big deal anymore and the fear dissipates.

 

You have to be conscious of it, recognize the situations where you refrain from asserting yourself when you desire to do so. And like the other poster said, a lot of it has to do with the relationships you have. I realized that a lot of people I've spent time with only liked me because I didn't assert myself. And so you get used to that, and start to believe that that gains you acceptance. But those kind of relationships are just obligations.

[Jas660]

I think that one thing that could be helpful is becoming intimately familiar with that existentially insecure feeling, like if you are assertive about your preferences that you will be abandoned.

 

I’ve never tried to get familiar with emotions before. I’ve usually worked at them until they either disappear or are so minor they don’t inhibit me. I haven’t been able to achieve either of these with this feeling.

 

Getting to know it seems interesting. I often know when it will come up so I think I can prepare myself for it. I have always either pushed through it or ran from it. I’ll try familiarizing myself with it and see where that leads me. Thanks for the suggestion. 

 

An exercise that I've done, which I think can be helpful, is to go to the worst case scenario and see if that would still warrant the feelings that come up. 

 

The worst case scenario is something that I’m semi-familiar with. My therapist has had me try it a few times. In this particular case it’s felt weird. I was abandoned by my parents when I started my path down philosophy and phycology. The final conversation I had with them(about 2 years ago) was something like this. My parents told me I either had to accept them the way they were or leave. As I wasn’t willing to stay around people that couldn’t let me have my own thoughts and desires I left.

 

In reality my fears have already happened. I just haven't figured out how to let my 5 year old self know that.

 

 

I realized that a lot of people I've spent time with only liked me because I didn't assert myself. And so you get used to that, and start to believe that that gains you acceptance. But those kind of relationships are just obligations.

 

I can really relate to that . About a 2 years prior to finding FDR I started to lose “friends” simply because I stopped doing what they wanted all the time. I didn’t assert what I wanted to do, I just stopped being 100% complicit with what they wanted me to do. Many of the people I knew stopped associating with me simply because I didn’t do everything they wanted me to. 

[Kevin Beal]

Thanks for the reply!

 

I’ve never tried to get familiar with emotions before. I’ve usually worked at them until they either disappear or are so minor they don’t inhibit me. I haven’t been able to achieve either of these with this feeling.

What do you mean by "worked at them until they disappear"? Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but that raises all kinds of red flags for me. Are you saying that your emotions are problems to be overcome?

[Jas660]

What do you mean by "worked at them until they disappear"? Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but that raises all kinds of red flags for me. Are you saying that your emotions are problems to be overcome?

 

I’m sorry I didn’t clarify what I was talking about very well. When I was talking about emotions I meant irrational emotions such as I fear when asserting myself. I realize that when I was a child and originally had these emotions they were most likely very rational and were based on helping me survive.

 

An example of how I mean they are irrational is if someone asked me where I want to go for lunch the thought process/emotions of “I can’t disappoint/anger them otherwise they will reject me” isn’t healthy. A few years ago this was my experiences for just about anything that required me putting forth a preference.  Back then I would reply “I’m not really feeling like anything, I’m fine with whatever you want” just so I didn’t have to state a preferences.

 

My primary goal in therapy has been to accept my own feelings and work on expressing them. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m okay with my own feelings, I’m still terrified to express them. I have one person in my life that I’m comfortable being myself with. Even with him we’ve had conversations about how I feel nervous putting forth a preferences.

[Kevin Beal]

Oh! Thank you for the clarification

 

I think in the example you gave, it's the conclusion that was irrational, rather than the emotion, but maybe that's not an important distinction. (I would have understood your meaning either way.)

 

Have you expressed preferences with your therapist?

[Jas660]

To some degree I have. The past 2 weeks this is the topic I've been working on in therapy. It's partially why I finally came to the boards. I've had the desire to come for a while. It's the same fear (abandonment/rejection) that has kept me away this long. I'm making progress, it just some times feels like I have to move an immovable object. 

 

To be honest, when I first looked at this thread today I couldn't read any replies. I got a lot of anxiety seeing a response to it. My hands started shaking, I didn't read anything until lunch (2hrs later).

[QueechoFeecho]

Here is another potentially useful thought exercise:  Think to yourself "what would I do in this situation if I wasn't afraid?"

[PGP]

Thank you for sharing this. Asserting preferences and indeed expressing emotion was a big problem in my childhood and into adulthood. I have had the curious thought recently, in these situations, to imagine myself as the model for a child growing up. In my mind, as someone who would like to have kids some day, I imagine my own prospective child learning from me in this respect. It has created a certain imperative in my approach. For me, it kind of brings it full circle, a counterpoint to my upbringing. 

[Jas660]

Here is another potentially useful thought exercise:  Think to yourself "what would I do in this situation if I wasn't afraid?"

 

I think my therapist has had me do something similar before. She has asked me to do a “perfect world” scenario where I say what I would like to have happen.  I haven’t tried that exercise with the fear before. I think it might help. Thanks for the idea. 

 

 

Thank you for sharing this. Asserting preferences and indeed expressing emotion was a big problem in my childhood and into adulthood. I have had the curious thought recently, in these situations, to imagine myself as the model for a child growing up. In my mind, as someone who would like to have kids some day, I imagine my own prospective child learning from me in this respect. It has created a certain imperative in my approach. For me, it kind of brings it full circle, a counterpoint to my upbringing. 

 

I tried this just as a mental exercise today. I wasn’t feeling any fear just running it though my head. I found I got angry. First I got angry at myself, the thought being “how can you imprint this negative behavior onto a child”. Then I got mad at my own parents for having done it me.

 

I wasn’t feeling anything when I started, when I ended I was both angry and annoyed. The angry emotion was directed at my parents. The annoyed emotion was directed at me. In both case it gave me something to wright/think about for a while.

 

That was an interesting thought exercises, it lead me to an feeling emotional. I’ve often found that when that happens it’s a good thing. Thank you for the suggestions. 

[wigins]

I don't think it matters where that behavior came from, or how it got there. The only thing that matters is that it exists. As such, the only thing you should focus on is behaving in a different way -- the way you'd prefer.

 

Trying to trace back the root cause of it is only useful if you're interested in preventing it from happening to someone else. But the way you're blaming your mother doesn't seem to be very productive, because it doesn't change anything about your current state of being.

 

 

Hope I'm not overstepping my bounds or anything. Good luck

[Kurtis]

Jas, I see you have not been active for a lengthy period of time. How are you?

 

Reading this thread reminded me of something similar that I have experienced and perhaps it might be useful for you.

 

When I started my process of self knowledge I would get intense anxiety when communicating with my mother. I initially dealt with it by creating boundaries which then escalated into me defoo'ing. The anxiety and fear receded but did not go away completely.

 

I agree with you in that you were unable to express yourself for fear of punishment or abandonment, for which I am truly sorry. Fear of abandonment is something I too have experienced, it is powerful and terrifying.

 

I recently had an insight that takes this fear of expressing oneself to abusive parents a step further. I saw that the anxiety that I would feel around my mother was in fact her anxiety that she was projecting into me (or that her alter in my head was projecting). Her anxiety came from my commitment to truth, knowing that my expressions of truth would erode her defensive denial and fantasies that she was hiding behind.

 

Understanding the true source of these feelings has helped to further set me free from the emotional childhood prison that I was born into.

 

I hope you are happy and well.