I interferred with my father's parenting, all hell broke loose

[aro]

This is an event which occured a few months ago. I'd like to hear your thoughts on it. It was my younger brother's bedtime, which is usually quite a struggle between him and our parents but this time, my father took it too far. Firstly I heard him walking down the hall calling "Into your bed, boy!" It sounded so militaristic, as if my father was some sort of sargeant addressing his soldier. He walked into my brother's room where he was playing a video game and refusing to turn it off. Within seconds my father began shouting "Turn it off now!". No negotiating, no reasoning. Just cold commands. A few more seconds passed. "I'm going to slap you if you don't turn it off!". This is when I got out of my chair, and walked to my brother's room to face my father.

 

You see, my father and I have talked about using aggression against children before and at the time, it sounded as though he agreed with me, that there are better, non-violent ways to deal with them. Yet there he was threatening my brother. I said to him "You are not going to hit him". I saw pure anger in my father's face. He pushed me out of the room while shouting about how little I know, "you think those books and those videos give you the moral high ground!". He then pushed me into my room and closed the door.

 

I began formulating comebacks, "Well its more books than you have ever read on parenting" and "I may not be the parent but I am his brother" and all these other cliches I could think of in the moment. I psych myself up and just as I'm about to walk out the door to face my father...I burst into tears. I realise how little influence I have and walking out there to address my father will only make things worse. About 10 minutes pass, and the door opens. It's my father. He walks over to me and gives me a hug and says, "I'm sorry for acting snappy, I know you have the right intentions, but you don't have the authority to tell me how to raise my son". I don't say anything I just cry. My mother then walks in and basically repeats what my father said while adding, "It's that computer brainwashing you, giving you unrealistic expectations from the world". Right, beacause talking to your son with love and warmth is an unrealistic expectation

[hannahbanana]

That is really awful, and must be terrifying for you...I am so sorry this has happened to you, and your brother.

I think that is was very brave of you to stand up for your brother like that, and it probably helps him, knowing that you're trying to look out for him.

What your dad did was completely unacceptable, and even though he might say he agrees with your ideas on peaceful parenting, actions speak louder than words in his case. That must feel like a pretty bad betrayal, huh? And the fact that your mom agreed with him is almost, if not just as bad. It sounds like they don't want to make the effort to change their ways, so they try to convince themselves that they can't change even if they tried (hence the unrealistic expectations part), and to push the blame onto you (blaming you and those horrible, dumb-as-bricks people you talk to on the internet ).

Also, your dad said that you don't have the authority to tell him how to be a parent. This is such a non-answer. Who WOULD have the authority to tell him? If that authority said the same things to him as you did, would he listen? My guess is no. Then it is just an empty justification to you, and to himself.

[regevdl]

oh my.  I am so sorry to hear about your experience.  You are so brave for what you did!   your dad is giving mixed messages and that is not fair.  I think, in a non-urgent situation (not in the heat of the moment) tell your dad that you DO have a right to protect your sibling from abusive parenting.  

 

Ask if how does he know your expectations are unrealistic if he has never attempted them?  If he tries for 1 month and it doesn't work, then no one is worse off and he can go back to being abusive I guess.  Offer this suggestion.  

 

Show them scientific results of such parenting tatics and peaceful tactics.  There is a podcast interview with Stefan and Dr. Ross Greene about Collaborative Problem Solving with Kids.  This guy is creditialed to the max.  

 

I think your actions mirrored his own immorality and at that point, when we are faced with our own immorality it goes one of two ways....immediately change or double down.  Your dad felt ashamed but doubled down (by his remark....'you think you have moral high ground').  He's making morality immoral so he will feel better.  

 

If you feel up to it I would continue to discuss and BEFORE a heated moment, conjur up some clever way to handle things.  If your brother has a challenge getting to bed on time then tackle that issue.  

 

I don't know how old your brother is but here are some possibilities:

1.  Offer to your dad to offer to your brother to read a book before bed (if your brother can read, he can read to your dad and mom!) ...or play a board game or tell a funny story or something....be creative

2.  Have your dad ask your brother WHY he doesn't want to go to bed (then when he says why it may help provide a reasonable solution everyone can agree to)

3.  Ask your dad if he likes hitting or yelling or if he would prefer to end the night peacefully?  (maybe he actually likes it!  )

4.  If he doesn't like it, then urge your dad to try the above for 2 weeks and see if there is any improvement.  And to do it for only 1 or 2 issues /challenges your father sees against your brother.  

 

 

I think your dad 'gets' the concept but doesn't have anything practical to put it to use so he falls back on old habits.  So you can give him the practical approaches.  See....once he has IDEAS (even if you give them to him) then he has no more excuses or avoiding tactics he can play without REALLY looking like an ass.  

 

Best of luck for all of you! 

[aro]

That is really awful, and must be terrifying for you...I am so sorry this has happened to you, and your brother.

I think that is was very brave of you to stand up for your brother like that, and it probably helps him, knowing that you're trying to look out for him.

What your dad did was completely unacceptable, and even though he might say he agrees with your ideas on peaceful parenting, actions speak louder than words in his case. That must feel like a pretty bad betrayal, huh? And the fact that your mom agreed with him is almost, if not just as bad. It sounds like they don't want to make the effort to change their ways, so they try to convince themselves that they can't change even if they tried (hence the unrealistic expectations part), and to push the blame onto you (blaming you and those horrible, dumb-as-bricks people you talk to on the internet ).

Also, your dad said that you don't have the authority to tell him how to be a parent. This is such a non-answer. Who WOULD have the authority to tell him? If that authority said the same things to him as you did, would he listen? My guess is no. Then it is just an empty justification to you, and to himself.

I completely agree with you that my father claiming that I have no authority over the situation is a non-answer, but the problem is that there is no way for me to explain this to my parents. Every single time I bring up the subject of peaceful parenting, every single statistic I show them, every single argument I present goes in one ear and straight out the other. It seems as if there is absolutely no way that I can get them to really listen to and understand the information. They always resort to "This is how I was raised and I turned out fine" (Which they clearly didn't) and "Wait until you have kids and see if you can keep up with this peacful parenting nonsense under the stress".

[J. D. Stembal]

You are very brave, and you have my utmost respect. I recently stood up to my father's parenting of me - or lack thereof thirty years ago - and my two siblings from a second clandestine family with children aged six and nine. It was tough but it felt so good to make my feelings known. So far his reactions have been typical and defensive), but I think he really has my ear now that it is probably too late to fix anything. At least the blood is in the water, so to speak.

 

My brother and sister's mother was using a belt to discipline my brother in a similar scenario to the one you described in your original post, not turning off the Nintendo DS and going to bed when asked. I witnessed this personally, and it really flipped a switch inside my head. I recalled an incident when I was six, deeply buried, when my dad smacked my mother in the face, causing her to bleed. Since I did not see it, he then lied to me and told me she had fell. I didn't believe him but had no choice but to accept this narrative of what happened. I've let loose all my emotions and feelings that I've bottled up for the past thirty years about that day.

 

No matter how much traction you gain with your parents about peaceful parenting, please make sure to talk to your brother to ask him how he feels about it. If, at the very least, you can demonstrate that your parents' strategy is flawed, perhaps it will help you two years into the future.