Immoral family

[arik]

It is very hard to put the words on the keyboard, but I have to do it because my family are the immoral part here. not me, so they should feel bad.My family always related to me as a "black sheep of the family" altrought  I was a very good boy with good grades in school, I never realy understood why until resent years.Yesterday I visited them, and we had like rough talk, I was very emotional and asked why did one of the family members, with is my grand father, with is the most dominent, told me in the past that I wasnt a good student altrought he never look at my grades, as I was one of the best in my class, and it was considered the best class in school as we finished the studies a year before everybody else.So he told me, becuase you studied in a military boarding school, in fact my mother didnt cook food for us so I was starving a lot of the time, the house was always in very bad condition, her abuse and violence was terrible. So when I was 14 it look like a good oppurtuniy to get out of there. Of course no body was realy care about me or why did I make this decision, so it was just comfortable for them to see me as a bad student(!) becuase in this case I am the one to blame and not them for not acting as a fucking human beings.

 

Of course its not only about his words, its the attitude, when I was 21 they just throw me to the street, and didnt support me during my time in college, only when they discover I working during the nights they start to support me.I am in such big anger about this. Tired of therapists, the last one cost me 1000$ and 100$ for a meeting, and he was the only one who I feel I can talk too, all the other therapists was worse and I didnt feel any value from them. Even the last one dont feel like me as a good value for 1000$.

 

secondly, I will be happy to get an advise about another topic. My mother is a complete sociopat, I studied the sociopat character and she is perfectly fit.She doesnt have empathy, when I was in need for documents to get an economical help from college because the conditions of my family she didnt give it to me(She wanted me to apologize for something as a condition) and I have to go to lawyer to get them, of course I got the help from college in the end.she is willing to lie with no counsious, when all the above happened she said to other members of the family that I am "very nervous and in bad mood" of course she didnt tell why as if all she is doing was ok. So all the family members thought the problem is with me.she is very parazitic by character, she lives from the goverment payments and from my father.

 

Here comes the quetion, as you know other members of the family doesnt get it, that she is like that, I have very good aunt in europe, and we have great relationship with I want to preserve. Resently she found out that me and my mother doesnt have relation ship. And she tries to find out why, My mother pretends she is sick and trying to use it in manipulative ways. Of course she is always "sick" when she needs something, but when I AM SicK SHE NEVER COMES TO VISIT ME, I even go to the doctor alone, from 12 years old...So she is trying to make me the wrong side here, resently she is not answering the calls from my aunt, and my aunt asks why and I dont know what to say, I think it is becuase she didnt want her to find the truth.I dont know what to do, I think that even if my aunt believes the truth she will not want a relation ship with me becuase we are relatated throught my mother. I dont know if that what will happen, but it certainly a possibility.I dont know what to do, to tell the aunt the truth about my mother and my relations with her?

 

Third topic, is my studies. I study for teacher license. Most of the members of my family doesnt believe I am capable of working as a techer because they say I am "nervous", "doesnt love to help people" and "doesnt have the ability to work with people".

 

I think it is complete bulshit. 

 

Nervous- That was said by my grandmother becuase I acted emotionally after the complete immoral acting of my mother, as if I shouldn't. Here goes the phraise, who is acting normal in anormal situations is anormal himself. I am actually pretty known for my patience for my students.

 

Doesnt love to help people- that was said by my sister, actually it describes more her than me, but she loves to tell me I am like that reflecting our relations. Actually every time I do something for her she forgets that quickly but when she needs something, she acts that it is my duty to do things for her. Actually I have a thank letters from my students mentioning my love to help people.doesnt have the ability to work with people- This is the most funny one, it comes from my father, who also reflect on himself, He is very rude and terrible man who works as a capetner. I work with people couple of years now and love it very much.

 

Actually I feel my family wants me in a very low job, and dont like me to pursue my dreams. They dont realy support me and do everything they can to interfer. The biggest problem is it is killing me mentally, like now instead to study for a test I am writing this, just trying to study make me feel anxiety and act like I have post traumatic disorder. I start to think about things they told me and cant focus on anything. I am taking medicines against dipression and anxiety but it doesnt help on this topics, what to do?

thank you for reading all of this 

[hannahbanana]

First, I am so sorry about what is happening to you, and for the stress it is making you feel. :/

Although I don't think I can give input about all of your questions, it sounds like what you feel about the last bit makes sense. Your family gives all these reasons to put you down, but you even showed that these aren't really real reasons in the first place. It makes sense because it doesn't seem like your family knows a thing about you, so how could they make correct judgments about you?

But I understand that even knowing this, it is still causing you anxiety, which is pretty bad You said you start thinking about the things your family members say. Are you doubting your reasons to not believe the things they're telling you?

[arik]

I am more feeling that I am useless and looser. In times when I am very dipresses I remember things my family saying and its hard to "free the thougts".I failed to build my self a real network of support, like I have friends that I can talk to about my emotions but its usually not enough, because thay dont have so much time to listen to me..Its hard to be positive about the future, when you dont feel that you have accoplished something in the past.

[DCLugi]

I know that it's easy to say this but remember that family isn't a magic word. You don't owe these people anything and you didn't pick them. When I think of my father as the degrading alcoholic that he was I just see him as any other person with no special power over my emotions.

[PGP]

Arik, I can relate to what you are saying here. It mirrors alot of the attributes of members of my biological family. I empathise greatly. Would it be fair to say that in your family any emotional expression or expression of ambition by yourself was used as a lever against you? 

Would it be fair to say that you have ambitions and desire to achieve that is not present in other family members?

If this is the case, is it that your family members have no concept or ability to aspire to something greater? Do they fear your aspiration as it will contrast with their own failures or lack of ambition?

I have the feeling from what you have written that you are searching for objective feedback and a fixed point of reference for your thoughts and emotions and the actions you have taken. Feedback on your decisions and direction in life. The conflict is there because your family is deeply dysfunctional. As a child, approval from parents is sought, so you have a problem: to continue to seek approval from them or to break the mold.

 

For myself, I only really started to discover how fucked up my family was when I did some travelling in my early twenties. The ability to be myself and to not have every emotion or desire or aspiration I had twisted and used against me. I cannot and would not tell you what you should do. But I can tell you this: every second you spend under the influence of these people will murder a little bit more of you.  

[arik]

Arik, I can relate to what you are saying here. It mirrors alot of the attributes of members of my biological family. I empathise greatly. Would it be fair to say that in your family any emotional expression or expression of ambition by yourself was used as a lever against you? 

Would it be fair to say that you have ambitions and desire to achieve that is not present in other family members?

If this is the case, is it that your family members have no concept or ability to aspire to something greater? Do they fear your aspiration as it will contrast with their own failures or lack of ambition?

I have the feeling from what you have written that you are searching for objective feedback and a fixed point of reference for your thoughts and emotions and the actions you have taken. Feedback on your decisions and direction in life. The conflict is there because your family is deeply dysfunctional. As a child, approval from parents is sought, so you have a problem: to continue to seek approval from them or to break the mold.

 

For myself, I only really started to discover how fucked up my family was when I did some travelling in my early twenties. The ability to be myself and to not have every emotion or desire or aspiration I had twisted and used against me. I cannot and would not tell you what you should do. But I can tell you this: every second you spend under the influence of these people will murder a little bit more of you.  

 

Exactly, when I was very young and my father asked me what do I want to achieve in my life, I just said simply I want to enjoy it and have fun, after that my father shame me on this like mimitaing me saying "he want to have fun" in disgusting voice.

 

Recently I tried to talk to him about things that happened in the past, I asked him some question, his answer was in very authoritarian voice "keem your psyhological complexes to yourself" and he is doing all that after always demanded me apologising for the smallest things possible.

 

Yes, my father is a very lonely man, he doesnt have friends and hate eveybody. He usually shamed me over friends that I have with werent good enought to his opinion, the most hurting was a period when I was lonely in school and he yelled at me that "you has no friends!"He works in a factory altroought he has engineer qualification. He has a very low esteem and reflect it on me, like when I started to build internet site with friends, even with no investment involved he start to yelling that "he will get in to debts!!!".

 

well, I am 29 already and doesnt live with them regulary since 22, the problem is a live in a very trible country so most of the time I been alone, it was hard to break from them completely. I am getting my life step by step. but even the smallest contact with them, like talking on the phone can set me to terrible dipressions, its like there is physical distance but not psychological one. As they still have huge affect on my emotions, as I didnt realy have a solid base to build from it the relationships with other people so I have a support from them. I have friends here and there, some of them very close to me. but I had only one serious relationship with a woman witch I loved.

[PGP]

Arik, Again, there seems to be alot of similarity between your father and my father, now deceased. With my father, he was a very difficult person to be around. He was what I came to term a "dry alcoholic".There were a handful of moments when we had any sort of connection, only really when I would work with/for him in my teenage years. Work was the only place he seemed to have any sort of confidence or identity. He was a deeply troubled man who made a shit load of horrendous choices in life that gave us a dysfuntional family. In this, my mother was equally culpable.  In many ways, my country, particularly outside the cities is still tribal and ritualistic in sport and religion etc. This might be surprising to some as I am of European geography but it is true. 

For some people, how you are and how you have changed is irrelevant. By that, I mean, I have found that no matter what progress or achievement I had in life, some people held on to the fantasy of the old power structure that was in place when I was a child. Before I started to get some perspective on this, when I saw them, it was like coming back under their control again. A kind of cultural deference that is common in tribal societies.