NigelW Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 So a friend helped me connect with my anger. All I can seem to think about lately is a slow motion dis-assembly of the people responsible for my neglect and isolation as a child.
MMX2010 Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 All I can seem to think about lately is a slow motion dis-assembly of the people responsible for my neglect and isolation as a child. If you think that's bad or weird: don't. Have you heard Stefan's recent call-in show stating something like, "If you want to live like your parents did, there's no trial: you can just follow your instincts. But if you do want to live like your parents did, then there must be a trail. And philosophy is the tool by which you must acquire either a confession or a conviction-in-absentia."?
NigelW Posted August 13, 2014 Author Posted August 13, 2014 If you think that's bad or weird: don't. Have you heard Stefan's recent call-in show stating something like, "If you want to live like your parents did, there's no trial: you can just follow your instincts. But if you do want to live like your parents did, then there must be a trail. And philosophy is the tool by which you must acquire either a confession or a conviction-in-absentia."? I'm assuming that you mean if I want to change I have to assign responsibility. I got where I am today by choosing what I did as a child. I no longer have to choose to be helpless or isolate myself to serve the needs of shitty people. I don't seem to connect with what you've written. What is the alternative? Enjoying it? Honestly, I kinda do. A baseball bat really doesn't cut it...
Free Will Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 When negotiation is made impossible fantasies of violence become more probable. At least that has been my experience. Unless you are still in contact with the people who harmed you, then I assume the anger you experience is how you felt as a chld. I have heard (on FDR im sure) that anger is the emotion witch spurs us to action. Is there something in your life you want to change? Do you want to change yourself? I think MMX2010 was asking a question. Did you really choose to be helpless and isolate yourself as a child? What was the alternative?
NigelW Posted August 13, 2014 Author Posted August 13, 2014 Well I chose to comply. I chose to survive. Can I take credit for surviving then? Is there anything in my life I want to change? I never want to see my family ever again. I feel like I'm still anticipating it.
NigelW Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 I apologize if it seems that I may be wasting your time. This is just where I am at. The idea that I should feel pride in having survived my childhood is something my father would say. It was wounding and discouraging. It comes to no surprise that I may declare that in a preemptive measure. I am also sorry for transferring that expectation onto you. What my parents chose to do to me is nothing an innocent child should go through. I do think there is something wrong with me when I picture my mother, who is giving a young child a disapproving look for looking at a pretty girl, is struck by a car and instead of the traffic stopping it gets busier and the body is run over again and again. When I was younger my father made me work for him splitting fire wood. I remember once being behind him with an 5 lb. axe. I remember rocking it on my hands as if preparing to strike. I can picture it actually happening... the axe being driven into his spine and seeing him convulse on the ground. I feel very uncomfortable sharing this. I see now that the truth is I had no choice as a child. I had to comply or die.
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