Isolated -- How to make friends

[Alexandru Stan]

In light of Robin Williams' passing and some of the words Stef has put out about Robin's relationships I found myself growing anxious at how Robin might have not learned any social skills and thus why he would find his relationships by the people that were in his proximity.

I am quite the same in respect to that example.I tend to isolate myself, and just not be open about how I feel or think or if I'm anxious or scared. Even my friends are not completely in the loop about these things, and I do have a distrust or I should say I don't know how to build trust or what it would look like to begin with.

I just started a job and I'm also trying to go through some changed to become more independent from my parents. I've had some therapy but doubting some aspects of my therapist.I guess it would be nice to have people to bounce all of the ideas off of that I have and I need help with but I always find it hard to ask either on her or of other people. I think that my needs should not be met, or that if I try to attempt to meet them through creating relationships I will just never be able to return the favor or never able to do the same in return to another person, or simply who would want to hear this stuff that I am going through. That leads to more isolation.

I'm stuck in that mindset so it usually leads to not even attempting and being rejected. Rejection is a whole other basket of anxiety.

 

I'm not sure if I have a specific question besides how can I break this cycle of isolation, and start seeking like-minded people?Part of it has been through going to therapy, but I still feel uncomfortable about the efficacy of my therapist.

What Now what now.

[Tony Crowe]

Alexandru Stan,

 

Wow and thanks for sharing that.

 

What happens if you meet people?

 

When was the last time it happened?

 

Did you consider that feeling fear or anxiety about it might be very helpful and necessary for you?

 

-Tony C.

[Alexandru Stan]

Hey Tony,

Well I kinda' stay away from people, or I just don't know how to approach people. I might even go as far as saying as I don't even know why I should approach. I got confused and anxious when I typed that last sentence.My childhood is full of neglect and my father who was just a physical kind of evil person, as well as verbally abusive. My mom I don't even know what to say about her besides absent. I had needs that somehow I feel like I learned to meet myself.

I started a new job 2 weeks ago and I was able to calm myself on the job from thinking the whole place was going to eat me. People were friendly, but I could not stop and notice the lack of understanding of childhood trauma and just the side effects of being unconscious about what looked to me like childhood trauma in one of my co-workers.

I have considered that fear and anxiety would be helpful. I'm not sure about the connection. I could just be having those reaction because of my childhood and then clues in present life trigger them.

Humm, I also wanted to add that I do have two friendships that I am currently in that I am completely confused about and, it kinda scares me that I am saying that I am isolated. One of my friends did try to talk to me about what was happening with me, but I felt like I should not have to first let him know that I needed him to want to be interested in my troubles with my parents. I don't really feel comfortable asking for that since he is not my parent. I also have another friend that at the moment I am having a bit of a trouble communicating with about how I did not trust him.I'm not really sure but sometimes it feels like I am doing this [isolation] to myself, and other times I am thinking that I am the cause why people move away from me, like my friends.

[Tony Crowe]

 

Well I kinda' stay away from people, or I just don't know how to approach people. I might even go as far as saying as I don't even know why I should approach. I got confused and anxious when I typed that last sentence.

 

I like your thinking there. But really, why should you approach anyone new? What do you hope to gain?

 

I also appreciate your courage for initiating and responding to this very interesting discussion. Sometimes when we are trying to do something important in our lives but we have a lot of fear it gets confusing and we can shut down.

 

 

My childhood is full of neglect and my father who was just a physical kind of evil person, as well as verbally abusive. My mom I don't even know what to say about her besides absent. I had needs that somehow I feel like I learned to meet myself.

 

It was similar for me. These fucking people who call themselves our parents, who were responsible for meeting our needs, and raising us up to be functional adults have failed miserably. It's cruel and we have suffered as a result.

 

You could not possibly meet your own needs as a child. Your parents failed to do that and they were the only ones who could then. Now as a man you must learn from scratch how to get your needs met and it is a terrible burden. It's very time consuming and even debilitating, isn't it?

 

 

I have considered that fear and anxiety would be helpful. I'm not sure about the connection. I could just be having those reaction because of my childhood and then clues in present life trigger them.

 

In the past how would your family and community react if you were self-directed in your actions, bold, and stood up for yourself against their wishes? Then, if you evaluate being small, timid, compliant, and deferring as a strategy for your survival in the past doesn't it make sense to be fearful of people?

[Alexandru Stan]

I like your thinking there. But really, why should you approach anyone new? What do you hope to gain?

To be honest I just think that I would like somebody to connect with me on my childhood and have it as their mission to not allow the same to happen in their lives. To not allow other people to mistreat their children or abuse them, and other people around them.

Sometimes I tell myself that this view is a childhood one. Something that I have not had met in my childhood, and how and why should somebody meet it for me. Or what if I am looking to be rescued from my world by having my childhood needs met. For some reason that narrative runs through my mind. It does not deal with my current needs or that I have any.

I guess it comes down to vulnerability. I don't think I am open enough to relationships in general because I felt hurt in my previous ones.

Humm, it just came to me that when you said "gain" I felt like that would be shellfish act of me. As if it is one-sided. I'm not sure why I would place myself in a situation where I would only gain at somebodies expense. Maybe because my parents have kept drilling that into my head: "You don't do anything around the house" or "for the house [for them]" and "You just do what you want and don't care what others [my parents] say." and "You are just sitting on the computer and eating our food but not going to college like you promised." Those things make me sad but not angry in this moment.

 

It was similar for me. These fucking people who call themselves our parents, who were responsible for meeting our needs, and raising us up to be functional adults have failed miserably. It's cruel and we have suffered as a result.

 

You know one thing that one of my friends had said was that my parents were raised a certain way and I should not blame them for that, but that I should still get out.

But now, looking at myself as a child, I only remember being fed to my father's evil actions, physical or verbal. And if I were to place myself in the shoes of the child that I was I cannot say, "yea momi and dadi have learned things a certain way and that is why they are treating me like this, I'm going to go and make the best of this experience and hold on my own." I was just scared of my father like terribly scared, he was big and physically hurt me and told me not to cry about it and punished me for not doing what he wanted. How can I then go back on all of that and agree that my parents were raised a certain way and that is what happened in the vaccum of my family. My therapist described it very similarly . Like talking to my parents to meet my needs or to acknowledge them, is like fishing in a fish-less pond. I get that, but what about the needs that were never met. I think I have to switch therapist nonetheless. I feel sadness but the anger is not as present.

 

 

You could not possibly meet your own needs as a child. Your parents failed to do that and they were the only ones who could then. Now as a man you must learn from scratch how to get your needs met and it is a terrible burden. It's very time consuming and even debilitating, isn't it?

 

Yea I have talked to them about the time that I have had to spend to learn those things on my own. And I think their response, my father mostly, was that we did the best we could, and it is your responsibility to do all the rest for yourself. Like he was telling me that I did not understand reality and that reality does not care about what motives or concerns I have. That was as if saying we do not care what you think or say about us; you are the one that has failed and not understanding reality.

They do not care about the wasted time I am taking in fixing things that I did not have met as a child.

 

 

In the past how would your family and community react if you were self-directed in your actions, bold, and stood up for yourself against their wishes? Then, if you evaluate being small, timid, compliant, and deferring as a strategy for your survival in the past doesn't it make sense to be fearful of people?

 

I looked back at some of my pictures of when I was young, I looked scared. I can't remember when I was younger what happened, just that I was punished for things. If I staid to late out or if I did not read or wtvr my father wanted me to do. Standing up to my father would have consequences all the time, no exceptions. I think I have heard grand-parents call me shy, and small, scrawny. I was def. scared of my father. Is that what is happening: I am projecting him into everybody else,  thus being scared and defensive, not trusting so readily.

 

Hey Tony thank you for the conversation. I am trying to make an effort to get on the board and talk to people, and I do give up sometimes or my work right now has completely been draining. Thank you for making me feel a little better about approaching people. I don't want to approach people that are going to not ask me these things. Like I don't want somebody around me that just tells me, " Dude you just got to do it, the more you do it the better it gets." That almost feels like I am some sort of robot trying to rewire parental buttons to fit something else without getting angry at the people who crossed my wires in the first place.

 

Do you mind if I ask, if you are in any therapy and how is that going? I'm like hungry for examples because I want to find a good therapist.