Confronting mother about mistakes

[steadyb]

I want to confront my mother over her parenting mistakes but it will be very painful and a downright horrible process. I am sure she will admit her mistakes after much ducking, diving, & sorry you were upsetting, but I am not sure she can offer me any restitution. If it won' make me feel any better, why go through the pain? Or do you think it will make me feel better?

I guess I understand what Stef means now, when he says there is no restitution for some things.

 

Thx

 

Ed

[Psychophant]

There certainly is compensation for circumcission. If a woman would kill herself or mutilate herself without anasthetics, that would be okay for me if I would be in some mutilated lad's shoes.

 

Sure, foregiveness without restitution is possible, since forgiveness is a feeling.

[J-William]

I want to confront my mother over her parenting mistakes but it will be very painful and a downright horrible process. I am sure she will admit her mistakes after much ducking, diving, & sorry you were upsetting, but I am not sure she can offer me any restitution. If it won' make me feel any better, why go through the pain? Or do you think it will make me feel better?

I guess I understand what Stef means now, when he says there is no restitution for some things.

 

Thx

 

Ed

yeah man... That's real tough

 

It ought to be a real easy heartwarming experience of growth and togetherness. Just imagine if you could explore with your mother the problems you had and your true feelings about how you were treated... it would be wonderful, but at the same time all the more of a stab in the back to realize you could have had that relationship at any time if you'd just used some secret combination.

 

I guess that's what it would be like to have good parents, you go to them with your problem and they are curious and work to make it better. You already know that your mother is not curious and will not take any steps to address problems you experienced without you first pushing her. Even then she probably won't take any initiative.

 

In high school whenever my parents travelled somewhere I just hoped I would hear news of their plane crashing (though I knew how exceptionally rare plane crashes are). I don't know about your experience, but for me reconnecting with that anger has been key in my calm resolve to keep my parents out of my and my daughter's life.

[steadyb]

If you asked me whether or not I have forgiven her, I would say yes, but I am still really fucked off with her. Does this mean I haven't forgiven her?

Hi  J-W,

 

Thanks for your thoughts. Through listening to Stef, I am starting to realise that the proximity to my mother is poisonous and would like to move away as you have done. I am between a rock and a hard place though because my father was an arsehole to us both and I am an only child and fell into the replacement husband role somewhat between the ages of about 4-5 to the present. He then basically abandoned my mother in Portugal about 5 years ago and I went to her rescue whilst running from my own problems in the UK simultaneously. I am now financially tied here and totally dependant on my parents still, at 28yrs old. My mother is a broken woman who just watches TV and is obsessed with me. Any conversation/defoo would kill her literally. I am really in a bind here. It is causing me a great deal of distress.

I know what you mean about the plane crash. Apart from with me it is my plane.

[Jeffrey Techentin]

 

 

...He then basically abandoned my mother in Portugal about 5 years ago and I went to her rescue whilst running from my own problems in the UK simultaneously. I am now financially tied here and totally dependant on my parents still, at 28yrs old. My mother is a broken woman who just watches TV and is obsessed with me. Any conversation/defoo would kill her literally. I am really in a bind here. It is causing me a great deal of distress.

 

How far off am I when I say that it sounds like your father could not deal with your mom's codependent behavior anymore and dumped her on you. You say she is obsessed with you but if bringing your feelings to the relationship (talking about how your relationship with her is so bad that you are thinking of leaving the it) "would kill her literally" I cannot see how she is obsessed with you. Sounds like she is using you as a tool to not be alone with herself, for some reason.

[steadyb]

The insight and questions people raise really helps me gather my own thoughts, and for this I am very grateful for FDR. So let me just say what is coming into my head now.

My mother has a mental trait that she is the victim. It is always someone else's fault. She will not admit wrong doing. She will certainly blame my father for my mental health problems.

I think the reason why she would find it so distressing, is that it would force her into a position where she is no longer the victim but the abuser. This is what would cause her the "kill her literally" distress. I guess it would shatter her victim status.

I would like to add, that she is a very gentle kind woman and was often the victim of horrendous acts by my father.

[Jeffrey Techentin]

My mother has a mental trait that she is the victim. It is always someone else's fault. She will not admit wrong doing. She will certainly blame my father for my mental health problems.

I think the reason why she would find it so distressing, is that it would force her into a position where she is no longer the victim but the abuser. This is what would cause her the "kill her literally" distress. I guess it would shatter her victim status.

I would like to add, that she is a very gentle kind woman and was often the victim of horrendous acts by my father.

Does she have a mental trait that she is the victim or is that her story so that you will stick around and feel for her? 

[steadyb]

That is a very interesting thought. I will think about that. And not just me, but others also of course.

[cynicist]

My mother is a broken woman who just watches TV and is obsessed with me. Any conversation/defoo would kill her literally. 

 

No it wouldn't. This is just a way for you to guilt yourself over leaving.

[inquirius]

I recently tried doing this and it turned extremely nasty pretty quickly.  My mother either explodes into abusive nonsense or runs away and retreats into her magical world of Christianity where she can rationalize everything she does, can do no wrong and pretend that some nameless entity loves her for no reason.  Or even better, she puts a knife to her stomach and/or threatens to kill herself in various ways, which of course allows her to reassert power over the conversation immediately.

 

Unfortunately, if you're dealing with a truly sick mind, I don't there can be closure outside of completely cutting off all communication.  Especially for people who believe they serve a "higher power," reason is the enemy.

[J-William]

 

I think the reason why she would find it so distressing, is that it would force her into a position where she is no longer the victim but the abuser. This is what would cause her the "kill her literally" distress. I guess it would shatter her victim status.

You can't live your life because of the supposed fragility of your mother.

 

If you want to see how that goes just take a look at the character Mitch in "A streetcar named desire" he's a sad sack who spends his whole life enslaved to his mother. 

 

My mom tried that... or my dad did... saying like "your mom is so sad" or something like that. My response at the time was "If my not talking to her makes her sad, just think about how fucking sad I was as a child being hit and yelled at by you people and not having a loving nurturing mother."

 

Honestly, if your childhood didn't kill you then a little taste of her own medicine won't kill your mother.