I could really use some advice

[Microwave]

Hello,

 

There are so many details to my story I'm about to share, but I'll try to make it somewhat short. My life has become very challenging the past couple of years. I am 25 years old now, when I was 17 I started dating Sarah. It was a very dysfunctional relationship, and I finally officially broke up with her when I was 22. Several months after the break up I made a big mistake and had sex with her, and she got pregnant. I'm almost positive she impregnated herself on purpose to try and trap me in a relationship with her (she was very clingy, when we were dating I found holes in condoms we used, after my official break up it seemed like a desperate attempt to trap me for good, and many other reasons). She was opposed to adoption and abortion, so I established half joint/physical custody before the child was born. 

 

About 5 months before the child was born, I started dating Emily; she is about 9 years older than me and worked as a therapist at the time. She knew Sarah and how crazy she was from prior interactions with her, and she understood the situation I was in. Emily and I had a lot in common and we had a really great time together; months later we moved into my house together, then we got engaged, and then we got married. 

 

After we got married, my parents started acting oddly towards us and ever since then their behaviors have become more and more bizarre (e.g. not coming to my wedding reception and telling all of my family and their friends not to come either, reporting a picture of my daughter on Facebook as pornography, calling my mother in law via telephone and accusing me of being a pothead and gambling addict, coming over unannounced to my house and pounding on my door for a half hour, calling me nasty names behind my back to Sarah, inviting Sarah to all of their family gatherings and holidays, and that's just scratching the surface). My dad, who is a psychologist, told me that he knew Sarah was crazy from day 1, but he never bothered to mention that to me until after I had a kid with her (that information would have been useful on day 1, not after I already figured it out on my own several years later). 

 

Very long story short, I ended my relationship with my parents a year ago because they were causing too much stress and damage in my life for many various reasons. I think that made them mad and now they're funding Sarah and basically by proxy finding ways to still cause damage and stress in my life. Sarah is bringing me into mediation, and I think her next step is court to maybe go for full custody. They have an endless supply of money, and it's causing an enormous amount of stress in my life and marriage. We are great parents and have done nothing wrong, but all of this havoc they're creating is driving us to a bad place; we're considering just giving up custody and moving away so we don't have to deal with them, but we'd feel so horrible leaving the child behind. Do we stick it out for another 16 years and go broke in doing so (also take years off our lives due to stress and maybe even destroy our marriage)? Keep in mind that Sarah brings the child around my parents very often, so she could easily be manipulated by them.

 

Also a final note, I have tried to work things out with my parents multiple times, but they won't be accountable for anything they've done. There hasn't been a single shred of accountability from them throughout this entire time. 

 

I'm kind of at a loss of what to do at this point. We can barely get by as it is financially, but with all the lawyer fees, plus the mediation and court fees on top of that, it's getting to be too much. I know that's a lot of information to take in, and sadly that's only about 25% of the context (but enough to have a decent understanding of the situation). There are so many details that I left out because I don't want this to be too long for people to read. If you have any questions or need further explanations on anything, I'd be happy to provide that. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback if you have any.

[ebznflows]

Can you financially survive the whole going to court process? How long would it take? I don't imagine it would take 16 years for a decision to be made. You could counter-sue for full custody, then move. You might have a case given you have a loving two parent home and the mother does not.

[Microwave]

Thanks for your reply. Here's the thing, I believe my parents strategy now is to financially bleed me dry, they've done it in the past with a different sibling. Also, they've recently given Sarah a well paying job and insurance to make her look good on paper. So we could probably find a way to survive financially through the court process if it wasn't an ongoing thing. I don't know how long it would take, but I would imagine at least a year or two.

 

I like your idea on counter suing for full custody. That was actually an idea my wife and I discussed, because then at least we tried everything we could before giving up. I don't think I'd feel too good about just giving up without trying that, and leaving my daughter with these crazy people.

[ebznflows]

How does Sarah discipline your child? If it is less than peacefully, maybe you could get a PI to prove it?

[Microwave]

I really have no idea because the communication is so strained that I'd never get an honest answer, and she'd completely lie to make herself look good so it's on paper. She isn't very intelligent, and she was spanked with implements as a child, so I have suspicions that she isn't a very peaceful person. Also she still lives with her parents and neither of them are peaceful people.

 

Am I allowed to use information in court that was obtained by a PI, or would that not be considered legitimate?

[ebznflows]

I really have no idea. You'd have to ask your lawyer. I know there are wiretapping laws which differ by state. Even if your evidence was inadmissible, though, the threat might be enough to get her to back down. From a parenting standpoint, though, you really should try to find out what conditions your child is living in when you are not there. If she is spending a lot of time at your parents' house, what was their parenting style like?

[PGP]

Thanks for sharing, I am very sorry for your trouble and that yourself, wife and child are being put through this. I have a question: WTF is wrong with your parents? It seems from your comments that they have some sort of vendetta against their kids? Looking at the info presented, it seems the fulcrum and energy of the conflict emanates around and from your parents.

[LoneWolf]

Wow, your right about one thing, it is certainly a lot to take in.

 

First of all give yourself some kudos getting away from those people. 

I hope you understand, why your parents are nurturing your ex, why your father and rest of your "support network" failed to worn you of this estrogen based parasite. She certainly won the lottery jackpot with you and your parent's deep pockets.

 

All I have to say is have a serious talk to your wife, ask her if she is even willing to raise your daughter. Is she on board with peaceful parenting? 

 

I certainly don't doubt your your daughter is in danger, physically and emotionally, from a women that would steal your sperm and a family that would support the crazy woman.

Try and look into your ex's parenting and inform your lawyer if you have a chance to take custody based on that.

 

Please tell me one thing, did your parents know that this woman practically milked you to impregnate herself? Hey Maybe she cheated? 

If they knew, thats another reason why you should question any future relationship you may want with these people. If they didn't know, it would not exonerate them, as they still knew that this woman would be like a cancer to you.

[Microwave]

ebznflows - I'll do some research on that. Although I'm not really sure how to investigate how they treat my daughter because I'll never get an honest answer from them, and my daughter isn't quite old enough to communicate that yet. As for my parents parenting style, they were never physically abusive towards me, I only have one vivid memory of physical abuse. My dad was emotionally cut off, I've never seen him cry and I don't ever remember him saying he loves me. My mom is manipulative, dramatic and hysterical. They like to put money over peoples heads and use it as a means to control people.

 

 

PGP - I get the same response from every rational person in my life - WTF is wrong with my parents? I'm not really sure what's wrong with them, but I've come to the difficult conclusion that they're toxic people. I really think they need to control their kids, and ever since they've lost control over me, they've pretty much gone over the deep end and their true colors have come out.

 

 

mendez - Thank you for your reply. Yes she definitely won the jackpot by jacking my sperm. My parents knew all along how dysfunctional she was and how unhappy I was in the relationship; my mother always encouraged we keep trying to work things out, and my father was pretty much non existent. They have also told me that they think she impregnated herself on purpose to trap me, and they're very well aware of all the damage she has caused in the past; now that I've cut them out of my life, they brought her right back in to spite me. Oh and I got a DNA test done before she was born and I am the father.

 

My wife and I have had several serious talks about this, it has consumed our lives over the past year. Keep in mind that we started dating a few months before my daughter was born, so she knew what she was getting herself into (meaning that I was going to have a child). Neither of us had any idea though that it would turn into this circus. She is pretty much down with peaceful parenting and she's wonderful with my daughter. They love eachother very much, my daughter is only two and when she's with us she talks about that she's happy. 

 

I've painfully resigned to the fact that I can't control what happens when my daughter is with her biological mom. What do you all recommend doing as to looking into her parenting? All I can think of is hiring a PI which we can't afford, or getting the legal system involved which I really don't want the state in my house.

[LoneWolf]

  I feel your pain man. To live in a world where a women can steal a man's sperm, and there being no repercussions. 

Just think of the outrage from the left if a man stole a women's eggs!

In a weird way, she kinda raped you man. She raped you in a biological sense, in a financial sense, and in an emotional sense.

 

It's really hard trying to advise on it, of corse not I or anyone in this forum wants to tell you what to do. But IF I was in your situation my primary concerns would be protecting my daughter for physical harm, If that meant talking and having mediations with the bitch, so be it,... also not letting my ex or my bio family rip me apart from my current wife.

 

It sounds like your wife is very intelligent and loving, don't let these people come between you and her, it sounds like you and your wife are currently in a lot of stress.

 

Also get some actual friends in your life, you need a support network!

 

When you were involved with Sarah, not only did you fail to see her for what she was and act on that knowledge, but also everyone in your life failed. Either because they were just as dysfunctional as your bio family or because they simply did not care.

 

I honestly don't think that you will beat her in court, And I am sensorially sorry. I mean, your ex would have to be a drug addict prostitute for you to have a chance. Again if you are willing to fight in court do it, its only my opinion.