creakins Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 So I was standing in my kitchen when my Mother showed up. Usually, I would get very anxious and uncomfortable. But this time she said that she needed to tell me something. She then went into a long apology and asked me how I felt. Said that she would be willing to do anything to try and build that relationship that was never built as a child. I had been going to Therapy for a while at this point. I hadn't talked to her about anything, and was working out how to approach the subject with her with my therapist. There was nothing expected from the apology. Nothing. Not even a relationship, as she said that she knows that asking for a relationship now was terribly difficult, but she was willing to put the time in. I was taken off guard. But Holy Shit... I'm not going to lie, this was a moving moment. My knees went weak, and my heart nearly stopped. I couldn't place the feeling. We are talking. She is making the initiatives. This is so out of her normal pattern that it has to be true. For the first time in twenty years, I trust her. Parents can change. She started doing self work and therapy herself and acted towards starting to repair the damage of her past. I felt that this should be shared with this community. Not to give anyone false hope. Not for any reason but to say that this has happened... the evidence for change exists. Thank you for reading. C 6
MysterionMuffles Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 I'm happy to read this, creakins. Can you elaborate a bit more on what she apologized for and how else you felt in the moment of it? How did this come about? Was it really out of the blue, have you been having conversations with her?
creakins Posted August 23, 2014 Author Posted August 23, 2014 I'm happy to read this, creakins. Can you elaborate a bit more on what she apologized for and how else you felt in the moment of it? How did this come about? Was it really out of the blue, have you been having conversations with her? Yes.. I'd be happy to elaborate. I was cooking some food, and she sat at the kitchen table and went into detail about how horrible it was to yell, scream and hit me when I was younger. She didn't do any of the standard - its because of... bullshit. Just said, "It must have been horrible!" and "are you okay?" and "is there anything I can do to repair this." I felt stunned. My relationship had been just functional, well, more a utility kind of thing. I kept conversations to a bare necessity kind of thing. I never made any phone calls or visits unless I was coming to get something or see my Dad. I had been having no conversations with her whatsoever, other than the standard hello, and goodbyes as I came and went. This was something that I wanted to talk to her about, but I was building to it with my therapist. In the moment I felt scared. I was primed for a fight. I thought that there was going to be a condition tabled, a request for me to do something for her. But there wasn't. I sat with it for a few days, and I felt terribly sad. It was almost as if I was sad to let this pain go. I don't think I have let the pain go. It served me so well. But the truth is, I am beginning to see that I don't need the pain or the hurt, and I have been able to have short conversations about things that mean a lot to me with no judgement. She, even as a devote Catholic, has accepted my atheism with no judgement. None of this, I'll pray for you shit, she used to say. She has even asked about my musical endeavours and said that she'd like to see me play. She has never come to one of my concerts, even when I was a teenager, just getting started. Lastly, she has offered to help me financially, with my therapy. In therapy yesterday we talked about this in detail. Trying to discover what to do with all the emotions that are coming out of this is overwhelming. I've asked her to take it slowly, and she is giving me my space. A nearly 60 year old woman, who was bat shit crazy, a drinker and a screamer seems to have come to a place of clarity. I have seen a number of changes in her behavior over the past few years though. She quit drinking about 14 years ago, I was a teenager when she stopped. She transferred the addiction to the church. Although she still goes to church, it's no longer fire and brimstone. She has friends, and in a small town, she can be social with people her age, who encourage her to make healthier decisions. Yes... they believe in some crazy stuff, but this crazy stuff is serving her a friend base that is showing to be extremely valuable. The yelling has completely stopped. The storming off and hiding in her room while calling me or my brothers names has stopped. She has even started cooking her own meals, going to a naturopath for preventative health measures and taken up a dance/yoga workout class. If I had this mom as a child, things would have turned out differently for sure. The mom I knew as a kid would get drunk. Make me mix her drinks and punish me if I didn't get it right. I rolled her cigarettes as a 6 and 7 year old. I did enjoy the rolling machine. If I left a dirty glass in a room, didn't put my stuff away, or get amazing marks in school it would be a yelling fest in the home. She would berate me. Sometimes she would be really happy... like nuts happy, dancing and singing at the top of her lungs. She would force me to dance with her, and if I protested, I would get hit or yelled at. She would use the threat of my father to scare me. I would sometimes have to stand in the corner in the kitchen with my hands over my head for what felt like hours. She mentioned all of these things and said that she knew that all this was bad and that sometimes she would act and then feel like crap afterwards, but she didn't want to face it because it would mean difficult change. She has said that the change has not been as difficult as she once thought, she just needed to act and then keep up the momentum. I hope this helps with the elaboration. I'm waiting and watching carefully to see if this behavior is going to be maintained, but there doesn't seem to be much of the old mother I once knew left. 1
MysterionMuffles Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 This fills me with so much hope, if not for my parents, but for others who are in the process of talking to theirs. Thank you for sharing and your vulnerability! 1
jpahmad Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 unbelievable! This is really interesting Chris. We'll have to wait and see.
creakins Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 unbelievable! This is really interesting Chris. We'll have to wait and see. Right!? I'm stunned
cynicist Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Be careful... "It must have been horrible!" is not equivalent to "What I did to you was horrible". That said I hope you get a chance to really talk about this stuff now that she seems open to it. 1
creakins Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 Be careful... "It must have been horrible!" is not equivalent to "What I did to you was horrible". That said I hope you get a chance to really talk about this stuff now that she seems open to it. Oh I'm being careful for sure... but the dialog has been started, and not be me. So that is a plus. If things don't go well, then the options will be way more clear. But at the same time, craving this relationship, I'm sure, is a normal want. Even when I was talking with my therapist, the idea of having this conversation was to try and build a relationship, not to confront to tear something that was already broken further apart. I'm sure her attempt was aimed at having the same result. I think de-foing should only be done if you've attempted a repair first, unless of course the abuse was so horrible there is no way to heal the relationships. Yes, my mother abused me. But I'm going to try and see the positive light while being cautious of course. Thank you for your response. C
surfingthoughts Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Thank you for sharing, good luck and keep us up to date if you can.
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