Boring Parenting

[lbnuke]

I wasn't sure whether to post this under Peaceful Parenting or Self Knowledge, but this is where I have chosen to place it.

 

I look back on my childhood and see that both of my parents supported me academically, athletically, and financially.  I do note, however, the strong absence of my father emotionally and have recently started to explore that.  I wonder why in adulthood I am not excited to see my parents often and I think this is why: my father is emotionally unavailable and my mother intellectually unavailable.  While I don't want to delve into the details here, I do want to ask for some advice.

 

I have a 5 year old son and I want to make sure that I'm emotionally available for him.  I am great at intellectual availability, but that doesn't require much self knowledge.  In my opinion, intellectual availability without emotional connection is detrimental to a child's development, but that's just opinion.

 

What do parents of young ones do to have fun, be emotionally available, and ensure that they're meeting their child's (children's) needs emotionally?  I am somewhat at a loss for how to ensure my son sees all of me, that he sees my delight, and that I honor his delight?

[Ruben Zandstra]

We have a 5, 7 and a 10 year old. ( 2 girls and a son) 

I enjoy doing physical stuff with them; for instance we have a trampoline with safety-netting where we spend a lot of time, where we invent games like trampoline-soccer, funny-jumps, jump in a circle while holding hands etc. They all love showing me their latest gymnastic tricks, and I love seeing them run and fly around like that.

So yeah, physical games, lots of roistering, tickling and chasing around.

 

How do you perceive or experience your delight in your son?

[FreedomFanBoy]

We have a 3 year old little girl and one of the ways I connect with her is to ask her about her dreams. Almost every day I'll ask. I think it's important to show curiosity, show we each of different experiences and connect over them. 

[lbnuke]

 

 

How do you perceive or experience your delight in your son?

 

Ruben Z, thanks for the reply, and so quickly!!  I enjoy the physical nature that you bring with your kids.

 

My son is really into guns, shooting, space ships, etc.  I may have exposed him to Star Wars a bit early in his life, so he has an infatuation with all things flying, shooting, and blowing up.  We recently moved into a new house that allows us to play hide and seek more, and now with an added bonus: Nerf dart guns!!  I think we'll both really enjoy this, but the dart guns are not part of the equation yet.  I find that he will mimick my hiding places, but I am really fascinated and excited when he finds his own.  There is lots of tickling, holding, wrestling with each other once we find each other in these games.

 

I really delight in my son's ability to universalize things and figure out how things work in the physical world.  Lately, he's been fascinated in becoming a scientist when he grows up, which really excites me.  I hope to open doors for him to explore and expand upon and, more often than expand, redirect the education he is receiving from public school.

 

So much of what young ones delight in in the world has to do with their psychical nature (sensory input, physical interaction, exploration, etc.) until they start to become more self aware, at which age, I don't know.  I could be wrong.  However, your reply helps me feel more grounded that the important way to connect with my son at his level is to crawl around in his skin as a 5 year old learning how the world works, and not try to make it about any emotional connections I'm trying to make.

 

Further thoughts?

[luxfelix]

I'm not sure why you titled this topic "Boring Parenting" because it doesn't sound boring. 

 

Maybe you're being too hard on yourself?

 

We show emotions in different ways and your descriptions point to more tactile expressions. (That could change over time.)

 

The important thing with emotions is to stay in the present moment; the intellectual side is great for taking us out of the present moment to reflect and plan ahead.

[Luirru]

I showed my son (he is almost 3, he was 1.5) Star Trek and we renamed certain things around the house as a result. Our car is now a spaceship, his car seat is the Captains Chair, I am the pilot, he occassionally orders phasers to hit the "space monsters" outside, et cetera. When he is riding his bike he is piloting a shuttlecraft so he can "work the helm" for a change, it is a lot of fun. Yes it is fantasy but he is having a lot of fun, so I see no real problem with it as he understands it is not REALLY happening but he can still have fun and we talk about it. One time when I was chasing him around the house (his favourite game when I am already tired lol) he jumped into our hall closet and said he was hiding in a cave and needed Spock to help him get out, it was soooooooo adorable. Hope this helps give you some ideas

[JamesP]

Have you ever asked your son if there's anything you could do better as a dad? What does he like, what does he not like, is there anything he doesn't understand, or has trouble talking about with you? You could also ask your wife about what she thinks of your parenting and husband-ing.

[Ruben Zandstra]

Are you in touch and at ease with yourself as a five year old? Does interacting with him remind you of the life you led at that age, make you remember desires and dreams you had at the time, the strong urges and dislikes, the frustrations and the elations, including any possible traumatic experiences, grief and anxiety, all that kind of stuff? If you are not, or if it makes you uncomfortable, that might affect your emotional availability to him.

[lbnuke]

Thank you all for the great responses.

 

Luxfelix, the intent of the "boring parenting" title was more so surrounding the fact that I now find my parents to be rather boring to be around, which tells me that, other than my sports (baseball) life, I really didn't find their lives that interesting. I have identified that I am very similar to my father, who is emotionally separated and quite difficult to connect with on an emotional level.  He and I have discussed this a bit, but this is certainly a subject I'd like to explore more with him.  Thank you for pointing out that the boring parenting may not have been the appropriate title for this post and perhaps that is some insight into my outlook on things: i.e. I will title something negatively, when I am looking for a way to improve on a positive.  Which certainly leads, in my opinion, to your comment regarding being too hard on myself.  I have been too hard on myself and am working on improving that as well.

 

James, you bring great questions to the table and, I think, you meant them more so for me to consider than for a response.  I will spend some quality time thinking about those and how I would answer them in a more one-on-one situation.

 

Ruben, you ask a great question.  I think I connect best with my 5 year old self when I interact with my son and have conversations like this in real time, not necessarily on a forum or chat room.  I'll post more in a bit, but I wanted to get some thoughts down here.