Real Apologies and Regrets

[MysterionMuffles]

I've had this train of thought lately I was hoping to get some feedback and comments on. 

 

I've been thinking a lot about apologies and regrets (and specific ones I've enacted) and came up with a way to figure out if they're real and valuable or not. Basically I think apologies and regrets are about the future. When you say you're sorry for hurting somebody, it obviously does not erase the past. But it's an acknowledgement of wrong doing and the apology is then an implicit comittment to better behaviour in the future. "I'm sorry I showed up late" = from now on I'll be more punctual, to take an innocuous example.

 

Likewise with regrets. There are things in my past that I regret, and when I bring them up, people just loooove to tell me, "well you can't go back to the past and change it," and it's like no shit, Sherlock! Of course I can't. The reason why I often speak of my regrets is because I'm making a comittment to myself to not make the same mistakes. Regrets are usually around things you could have done better, and although you can't change the past, if you ever come across similar experiences, you have that regret to help guide you toward better choices in the future. "I regret not giving it my all," = I want to give my all from now on.

 

Does that make sense? Tell me what you think.

[SMG.]

I agree with you. If someone did not apolagise for bumping you and you didn't say anything they might think it was on purpose. It needs to be said otherwise the wrong meaning might be construed. There is always a better understanding that comes with regret. You may look for different situations in the future to try to make up for your regret. The important thing is not to let the regret define you, just like apolagizing or being sorry shouldn't define you.

 

I would just have to add that I do understand when talking about regrett that they acknowledge your regrett.

Saying what can you do doesn't help.

[DaVinci]

I think most people, including myself, don't view an apology as meaning "I won't do that to you again." I think for most people saying "Im sorry" is more like saying "whoops", as if their actions were accidentally dropping a plate or something. This is why when I have reason to believe that something was not just an accident and that there was some thought put into the actions I will ask for the person to promise not to do the actions again rather than ask for an apology, because like you say the apology does not change the past and at that point a commitment to not repeat the negative or damaging behavior is preferable to an apology.

 

Apologies have become a way to get away with bad behavior. Like religious people who feel like they can act however they want because they will just repent, or someone who adds "Oh, I was just joking" onto the end of "You are a loser" so that you have a harder time complaining about the negative behavior, "I'm sorry" has just become a way to manipulate emotions so that someone can make the person they have hurt look like the bad guy if they get upset about what was done to them. This is why I normally, but not in all cases, just skip the apology and go straight to asking for a commitment to not repeat the behavior as I feel it is more effective in keeping the person from feeling like they can just circumvent responsibility.

 

Not sure if this answers your question, but I wanted to add my two cents to your thoughts about apologies.

[Bouncelot]

Completely agree Jams, and well put SMG.

 

Apologies have become a way to get away with bad behavior. Like religious people who feel like they can act however they want because they will just repent.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head here I think "sorry" and other apologies have moved into the mystical, to most people they are "magic words" that make the problem go away and alleviate guilt w/o having to modify your behavior. The offended have been taught that they need to "let it go" and "forgive" if the magic words are spoken.I think the way you explained it Jams is how it should be, and how it is for us free thinkers. 

For me, and apologies is nothing more then a acknowledgement, and its the actions that follow that determine is the person is truly sorry.

 

Regrets I tend to put into a different category. Personally they usually don effect others, so I don't share them. They are silent promises to myself; and quite often not even that.... I just make sure not to repeat it. The first time is for learning, if you do it a second, then it's a regret.

[percentient]

Reminds me of a conversation (with generally empathetic people) in which I said I mourn and grieve what wasn't there in my childhood. The response was that "well the fact is that it wasn't" which parallels what you hear often about regret and apologies. I get it, I can't change the past, that's why we call it the past. The meaning of grief is to accept that it could have been different, and that I don't want to repeat it in the future. The same goes for anger, with an additional moral element.

[cynicist]

Apologies have become a way to get away with bad behavior.

 

Indeed. I know when I'm apologized to I never take it at face value. I'm looking for evidence that the other person actually understands what bothered me and why at the very least. 'Actions speak louder than words' is a helpful idiom, let's examine it in practical terms here:

 

The action itself    (To what degree were you wronged? Is it forgivable? How preventable is it?)

 

Their behavior following the incident    (How quickly do they figure it out? Do they realize it on their own or only after being shamed by others? Once they know, do they pretend it didn't happen? How long do they take to get back to you?)

 

The apology    (Is there any indication of understanding? If there is more than one issue, do they recognize them all or just the ones you point out? If they get it, is there suitable restitution offered? Is there defensiveness or an excuse? Are they acting out similar behavior in the apology? (ex. passive-aggression))

 

Their behavior after the apology    (Has it changed? Are they bitter? What preventative steps have they taken? (ex. therapy, counting to 10, etc))

 

Clearly this isn't an exhaustive list but it's what comes to mind for me right now.

[LovePrevails]

[Omegahero09]

Spot on Jamz.

 

Genuine apologies are for overt confirmation to another individual/individuals that you've done wrong; also implying commitment will be applied to behavior in the future.

 

Regret is like an internal apology pointed at the self.

[Carl Green]

...Regrets are usually around things you could have done better,...

 

If you couldn't have done better, or differently (if it was out of your control), I don't think regret is justified. I'm not saying you can control if you have feelings of regret, but 'logically speaking' you shouldn't harbor any feelings of regret about a situation you can't control.

[MysterionMuffles]

Ah I get that Carl, but I was talking about things you did have control over.