Room-Share : I'm a bit confused

[Alexandru Stan]

After a bit of talk to my therapist a month, I have just made the decision to myself  to get some distance between me and my parents. I have been considering sharing a place with some people and doing a room-share situation. Pay rent for a room and common-area usage. I have found one where the landlord already has two tenants, and she posted an add on Craigslist for the last room.I am almost on the verge of freaking out and fogging, so I would like to get a second opinion about the situation and if it is a good idea to take this opportunity.Ok so first of all my criteria for the Room-Share situation is:

1. Be close to where I work.2. Be a decent neighborhood with no bullets flying around.

3. Be relatively cheap.

4. Have tenants + landlord that are not dangerous to be around.

 

I have met the first 3 but the last one I cannot say, or don't have the experience or the consciousness to determine.

 

The first interview with the landlord:

 She asked if she could pick me up, I said I work here and at this time I get off and we can meet here. I then did not feel comfortable about having someone pick me up without knowing at least a bit about them.

 After talking a bit with some ppl in the chat here, I had decided to ask the person to meet me near my workplace, at a local IHOP.

 We met up and I told her that I would feel uncomfortable if I would go in a car with a stranger and she accepted to have a short convo before going to the house.

 After a little talk, I felt like she was not going to strangle me and throw me inside the dumpster, and went ahead with her.

 We reached her house and talked a little and met both tenants, one a 26 year old goth looking type girl, and a white gay guy that looked anxious and did not talk to me much besides an introduction. Both of the tenants are nannies, the girl out of home, the guy in home.

 

Alarming things about landlord:

-She is a horror fan and has a life size Jason mannequin.

-She had abusive alcoholic parents

-She is not married and only has boyfriends.

-She does not have kids.

-She had done some relationship counseling in her past

-She had tenants that: had periodic night time manly visitors, were alcoholics. Only specifically 2 tenants.

 

I'm not sure how to proceed, since three of the criteria are met but the last one I am having a hard time deciding or having the foresight to know if it can be dangerous.Any help.

 

 

[griz]

Hey, Alex!  Sounds like quite a dilemma you have there.  This is the problem with sharing a living space with people, in my humble opinion.  I have had some experience with living with roommates and what I can offer you, based on my limited subjective experience, is this:
 

• People who are well-adjusted, mentally healthy people would likely be in a successful pair-bonding relationship and not be looking for others to live with.
• If this is the first place you've found that meets most of your prerequisites, maybe you could afford to wait a bit (depending on time constraints) and check out some other places before making a final decision.
• Maybe there is no perfect place that meets all four prerequisites.  In other words, if you were the one who owned the place and who was looking for roommates, you would have a bit more control over the situation.  However, when you are the one who is looking for a place to stay, your options may be somewhat limited.

Hope this has been helpful!

[PGP]

Hi Alexandru.

I didn't see your earlier posts but I'd like to throw a few ideas in your path on this one.

I don't know what your situation is. If you are seriously stressed atm living with your parents then moving out is a good idea IMO.

 

Firstly, I don't know where you live and what is considered regular, but this sounds like a difficult situation to move into. 

Living in a house with a landlord (especially where common areas are used by them also) is not a good idea IMHO. I have experience of this from college and I would not recommend it to anyone. There is always the feeling of not being home and walking on eggshells when you are living with a landlord. That has been my experience anyway.

Secondly, the landlord and the tenants sound like a challenge to live with. This may just be my prejudice, but perhaps consider: what do you have in common with them? Living with people in a shared environment is a serious matter IMO, especially where there is a track record that you mentioned above.

Thirdly and I think most importantly, IMHO, the objectives you have outlined should perhaps be preceded by a big fat number 1: The most important factor is whom you are living with. If this means working a bit more to pay more rent or cycling/walking an extra twenty minutes to get to work then so be it IMO.

I get the feeling that you are anxious to move on to pastures new and this IMO is a healthy step. However,(and I mean this with utmost sincerity) waiting a little longer if necessary and being very selective about a new living arrangement is preferable IMO. IDK if you have talked to many people about what sharing a house is like and the different variations but I have given my perspective above. This may be completely different for other people and purely down to my own desires in this regard. 

That's my piece on it anyway. I applaud you for taking these positive steps in your life in conjunction with your therapist and I hope it works out well. 

[TheSchwartz]

-She had tenants that: had periodic night time manly visitors, were alcoholics. Only specifically 2 tenants.

 

 

Were these alcoholic nighttime visitors abusive and/or unruly? Also, has the landlady had any other previous tenants that seem questionable to you?

 

You expressed a desire to have the other tenants not be dangerous in addition to any landlord. I would definitely try to get to know more about their background, like you did with the landlady, in case they have dangerous people in their lives.

 

-She is not married and only has boyfriends.

-She had done some relationship counseling in her past

 

Was the counseling she received positive and healthy? Did she learn any negative behaviors from bad therapists (such as forgiving unrepentant abusers)? Is one of her boyfriends likely to be abusive towards her or any of her tenants? What is her current boyfriend like (if she has one currently), and might you be able to find out anything about any past boyfriends?

 

I wonder if having parents such as she had was at all related to her indifference to her tenants bringing alcoholics in for nighttime sexcapades?

[Alexandru Stan]

Hey I am getting a similar thought from all of these comments that I also had."Why am I not placing the people that I will be around at the top of the list, I can pay a little more, and bus if I have to"

 

That sounds conclusive to me and I am comfortable with having the rest of the criteria as less important.So if you guys have any experience with this how and what do you guys ask about to find the "right" people?

 

Thank you for all the help, you guys helped me connect with myself and with you.

[J-William]

 

 

 

So if you guys have any experience with this how and what do you guys ask about to find the "right" people?

 

You've just made the decision, and it doesn't sound like you need to rush, so good on you for waiting.

 

I've had a number of roommates and it can be hard finding a good one... I had lesbian roommates who were good. I had a roommate/landlord that wasn't awful, but wasn't great. 

 

Aaand a roommate who did time for being an accomplice to murder... which I didn't find out from the company that owned the apartment and placed roommates together, but in fact learned from my lesbian roommates who just happened to be in the university orchestra with this asshole's ex-girlfriend.

 

It was seriously fucking dangerous. I called the cops on him because he hit me when I complained about him smoking in the apartment. If I had known he was a psycho I wouldn't have confronted him about smoking, but instead moved out in the night without making a sound and slept in my car.

 

So, avoid any situation where you get stuck with people you don't choose. Trust your instincts about people, and failing that Google people because many arrest records can be found online.

 

and don't feel bad about coming back to FDR and asking people here. I love helping and so do others. I would suggest your parents, but you wouldn't be here asking if your parents were real good people to ask.

 

From my experience I think the people with the highest standards were the best. The lesbian roommates wanted to chat online and know a lot of info and... I just had a thought. Do you think you'd be comfortable telling people where you live? Maybe someone here can help you out more directly. I think that would be a good way to find a safe place.

 

Failing that, roommates.com was the service I used and it asks for lots of information and your preferences and may be better than craigslist.

[PGP]

I would like to echo the message above from JWilliam. Please do not have any hesitation to ask for advice or analysis on FDR or by PM if you think it useful. One of your biggest allies here is information so the more you have the better IMO.