JSDev Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 Yes I'm one of those parents. I used to yell at my kids for not cleaning up after themselves. It's been a long time since I've yelled at them about it, and I've come to accept responsibility for them not pitching in to help out. I accept that they leave dirty disgusting dishes in the living room, and that if they don't clean it up voluntarily, that it is my fault for not instiling cooperative values. They seem to be oblivious, and nothing I say will get them to "get it". It seems trivial, but we have a large family, and without cooperation, things can get disastrous in a really short time. Anyone else have experience with this? If you're a teenager still living at home, I'd like your thoughts as well.
MysterionMuffles Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 I'm happy to read that you've changed your approach. I would suggest having a sit down with them and tell them what you've told us in this thread. Let them know you own up to not modeling what it looks like to clean up after them and that you will start, suggesting that they can if they want. Have you since apologized for the yelling? 1
J. D. Stembal Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Turn it into a negotiation. Tell them that you will eat what they cook and clean up the aftermath. When they don't feel like cooking, they clean up the mess left after dinner, put leftovers away, etc. This is how many childless couples and room mates manage to keep order in the home. I don't see why you can't do it with teens. It's not like they're toddlers liable to cut their fingers off with a knife. "I don't know how to cook" is not an acceptable excuse because throwing ingredients in a flying pan gets you edible results most of the time. Indeed, it's how I make nine tenths of my meals.
RicardoMata Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Being a teenager in a dysfuntional familly I think I can help or maybe i'm wrong and everything here is terrible advice. First of all, it's great that you stopped yelling at your children for whatever reason. Because it's so recent, I can say that being yelled at for not following an order will definitly NOT solve the problem. In fact it will make your children resent the chore and they will take satisfaction in not doing it right or not doing it at all! I remember so clearly when my mother would yell at me for not doing something right and I'd say "I'll be there in a sec!" but not show up for hours. Dispite this dysfuntion, my family members would regulary clean my stuff up without asking me. Some times yelling, some times not even a word. Strange family. The point being is that because they modeled that instintive cleaning habit (the rare times they did) I can, now-a-days, clean whatever I or any other family member leave unclean although with a lot of resentment. The fact that kids love to help on their own helps alot in this regard. Another thing that poped in my head while reading your post was the compassion aspect. Do you have the capacity to empathize with their "laziness" ? Tell them that you. sometimes HATE cleaning shit up. I think that will help a lot. Hope I helped and good luck
JSDev Posted September 5, 2014 Author Posted September 5, 2014 Thanks for the responses. Rather than the act of not cleaning up, I'm trying to explore my emotions and how I react to it. Most of the time I really don't care. It's out of my control whether or not they desire to live in a clean house. Some days though, it's like I've awakened the beast within and I realize how inconsiderate they're being, and that ultimately as their parent I'm the reason they're inconsiderate. The ultimate frustration!
Prairie Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 The thing I notice right off is that you operate on your own preferences as if they are an objective correct, and the other people you live with are in the objective incorrect. Here's my translation of your first post into what seems to be a more objective description: Yes I'm one of those parents. I used to yell at my kids for not cleaning up after themselves returning the house to the same level of order that I like it at. It's been a long time since I've yelled at them about it, and I've come to accept responsibility for them not pitching in to help out to bring things to an order that I prefer. I accept that they leave what I consider dirty disgusting dishes in the living room, and that if they don't clean it up to my liking voluntarily, that it is my fault for not instiling cooperative values in them the same preferences as I have. They seem to be oblivious not share the same preferences as me, and nothing I say will get them to "get it my preferences". It seems trivial, but we have a large family, and without cooperation compliance to maintain the order I prefer, things can get disastrous uncomfortable for me in a really short time. Anyone else have experience with this? If you're a teenager still living at home, I'd like your thoughts as well. I believe that if you can relate to the situation in a way that takes ownership of your own preferences and that they differ from the other people you live with, you can approach them in a way that they experience as more respectful and thus find them more interested in making changes in how they live in order to better accommodate how you would like to live. 3
JSDev Posted September 6, 2014 Author Posted September 6, 2014 The thing I notice right off is that you operate on your own preferences as if they are an objective correct, and the other people you live with are in the objective incorrect. Here's my translation of your first post into what seems to be a more objective description: Yes I'm one of those parents. I used to yell at my kids for not cleaning up after themselves returning the house to the same level of order that I like it at. It's been a long time since I've yelled at them about it, and I've come to accept responsibility for them not pitching in to help out to bring things to an order that I prefer. I accept that they leave what I consider dirty disgusting dishes in the living room, and that if they don't clean it up to my liking voluntarily, that it is my fault for not instiling cooperative values in them the same preferences as I have. They seem to be oblivious not share the same preferences as me, and nothing I say will get them to "get it my preferences". It seems trivial, but we have a large family, and without cooperation compliance to maintain the order I prefer, things can get disastrous uncomfortable for me in a really short time. Anyone else have experience with this? If you're a teenager still living at home, I'd like your thoughts as well. I believe that if you can relate to the situation in a way that takes ownership of your own preferences and that they differ from the other people you live with, you can approach them in a way that they experience as more respectful and thus find them more interested in making changes in how they live in order to better accommodate how you would like to live. I don't know what to say but thanks. Unexpected but right on.
cynicist Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 I accept that they leave dirty disgusting dishes in the living room, and that if they don't clean it up voluntarily, that it is my fault for not instiling cooperative values. They seem to be oblivious, and nothing I say will get them to "get it". It's not about what you say, it's about what you do. I know you said that you stopped yelling, but besides withdrawing a negative, what other ways have you changed your approach? How do you respond when they want something from you? You exemplify values through how you treat others, and people naturally want to reciprocate.
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