Re-inflicting my childhood on myself and others.

[Three]

“What is wrong with these people?” is a question I often ask myself at my sale’s job. Sales can be one of the most rewarding jobs or it can be the most frustrating jobs, depending on how well you perform. For me, there’s nothing quite like the feeling I get when I close a sale, when you create value for someone through win win negotiation, when you’ve successfully influenced someone else (maybe I'm drawn to this because in my childhood I had so little influence over the people around me?). It’s even better when you create relationships with these people, who come back to purchase again and thank you for your help. I’d put it on par with a runners high. And once you’re in that ‘zone’, that super excited, can-do mindset carries into the next interaction and thus, the next sale becomes that much easier to close. However, the exact opposite outcome can also happen, and this is when I ask the question, “what is wrong with these people?”. It's not because I get frustrated that somebody didn’t buy from me. I take full responsibility for my performance. I know that if I don’t sell a lot, it’s because I’m not doing something right because there’s an actual technique to selling and having a positive vibe is crucial. It’s not about talking and talking and talking and hoping for best. If anything it’s more listening and asking questions. But, I digress. You see, when I have a negative interaction, like the one I’m about to describe, it really gets under my skin. Especially because these interactions are so similar to my childhood. I’m a sales promoter who has a demo set up in a Costco store, so I have hundreds of people who walk past me every day. Occasionally, more often than I’d like, an interaction will look like the following. Somebody will walk up to me and start asking me questions even though they have no interest in buying. I have a sensitive radar that picks up on this. (Probably due to my childhood of having to navigate around interests and needs or my parents). Now, I know that I should expect to be grilled about my product, that customers will have objections and that it’s my duty to help them through these objections. Again, I usually have this intuitive feeling when someone is genuinely curious or unconsciously saying through their objection, "I am interested, I want to try it, but I'm having trouble with this ".  I also have an intuitive feeling when someone is putting me on trial through their kangaroo court, when I’m already guilty of being a fraud in their own mind(again, probably due to my childhood of having narcissistic parents asking me accusatory questions). For example, one guy asked, “what’s the evidence that your product works?.” I gave him a great example of a third party website, which has some great information about the product I sell. Then I asked him if he had a smart phone. His response was, “Oh, so I have to look it up?” So, he just communicated to me that he wasn’t going to take my word for anything and that he required evidence, when I told him he’s right, that he shouldn’t take my word for it and then gave him a website and encouraged him to look at the website, (it was the mayo clinic), he moved the goal post. These interactions leave me infuriated, especially if I hadn’t made many sales or any sales at all for that matter. I hate being scrutinized in this way. I hate these rude and sadistic people. Sometimes I get triggered by peoples glances, which makes sense since 90% of communication is non-verbal. After a woman tried a sample of my product, apparently she didn’t like the taste, she just walked by and stared at me with this, “I know what you’re doing” smirk on her face. I then asked her a question and she continued to stare. I then felt insecure and then really angry because I realized that what she was doing what designed to get me to self attack and feel insecure. That’s when I ask the question out of frustration, “what the hell is wrong with these people?” What goes through a person’s mind that makes them think staring at me is a good thing to do. If it happens more than once, it leaves me in a state of hypervigilance and defensiveness for the rest of the day, which influences the kind of interactions I have with others, and what kind of people are attracted to me. I then am in a perpetual fight or flight response. After one of these interactions I had a dream wherein I was running was zombies, like the one’s in the movie 28 days later. In that movie, the zombie’s are people who are infected by a “rage” virus. Their eyes are red and unlike the portrayals of zombies that are slow, these zombies are more fast and aggressive. This is what I’ve been struggling with. Somedays, I feel like it’s me vs the Narcs.Then a part of me thinks, is it really that surprising? Afterall, It is estimated that 4% (1 in 25)of people in North America is a sociopath. That’s a greater percentage than anorexia, which is considered an epidemic. And because of the difficulty there is in spotting these stealthy predators, it is highly probably that the numbers are greater. Now, let’s consider the prevalence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which comes out to be around 6.2%. When you combine these numbers you get 10% of the population, 1 in 10 people you come into contact with either has no conscience and a lack of an ability to process any real emotional experience(a sociopath) or has no empathy for others or himself(a narcissist), which allows for cruelty against and the exploitation of another human being. And that’s not taking into account all of the apathetic, the indifferent, latent sadists who are easily influenced, easily manipulated and have no real principles, who under the right circumstances will follow the orders of the remorseless, much like what was seen in the  Stanely Milgram experiment, an experiment which measured the willingness of study participants to obey an authority figure who instructed them to perform acts conflicting with their personal conscience.  During this experiment,  65 percent (26 of 40) of participants administered a 450-volt shock, albiet not a real shock, but the participants were under the impression it was, to ‘students’ who failed to memorize a particular pair of words. Another noteworthy experiment is the Stanford Prison Experiment, which was conducted by Dr. Philip Zimbardo. During this study 24 clinically sane individuals were randomly assigned to be "prisoners" or "guards" in a mock dungeon located in the basement of the psychology building at Stanford. The study had to be stopped after six days because the guards became so sadistic. So, it could be probability. It could be just, given how many people walk by me, it’s inevitable that I’ll run into these people. However, theoretical speculation aside, (I do appreciate my analytical part) I also think it’s important for me to ask the question, “to what degree do I influence or attract these people based on some unconscious signals or behavior I’m putting out”. Because I have noticed that on days where I feel more secure, robust, and grounded I experience less attack than when I feel insecure, hurt, ect. I think it’s incredible that I’m working this job, that I’m pushing myself beyond my comfort zone. Two years ago I was working a night shift job, which I chose specifically because I was too afraid to deal with people. Now, I have a job where I not only have to take orders from customers, but I have to influence them, ask questions, and build relationships. I thought by pushing through my comfort zone, I was dealing with my social anxiety. After I told this to a wise person, he told me , “that’s not really dealing with social anxiety. you don’t want to reinflict your childhood on yourself”, and I’m beginning to think that he was right. These interactions are just so eerily similar to my history to be coincidence or just "probability." While, I am proud of what I’ve achieved through willpower, while I do think that I’ve gained more courage, self efficacy, and strength through challenging myself in this way, I think it’s time I get back into therapy and explore these feelings and heal these painful wounds. I’m worth that. Besides, what makes narcissists so creepy, like the zombies I run from in my dreams, is that they are so out of touch with the body and their feelings, the very thing that makes life worth living.. I don't want to end up like them. I look forward to starting my new job in September, which will double my income. I’ll also get insurance and all those benefits, which will make looking for and paying for a therapist much easier. http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18557663http://www.prisonexp.org/http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philip_Zimbardo#Prison_study 

[J. D. Stembal]

Are you selling a product that you would consume? If I am understanding it correctly, you are paid to encourage people to try and ultimately buy food. There is so much unhealthy processed garbage being sold as food that the odds you are encouraging people to make healthy decisions is pretty low, but of course, I am just making a baseless assumption. If you don't believe in the product you are selling, which may change from day to day, perhaps they sense that doubt within you. It makes sense, though. Why would I take a chance and buy a product that the salesman or spokesman won't buy himself? This is why celebrity endorsements help sales so much. If a successful actor or athlete says product X is good enough for them, there's a good chance the average consumer will try it out.

 

The example where the doubtful customer asked for evidence of product claims, and you told him to research it on the internet is an instrumental example. If you really believed in the product, you would be using it and you could back up said product claims personally. For example, what if you were selling a topical acne cream in a department store and you have terrible acne? If the products works, why aren't you, as a salesman, using it? If you are using the product, why isn't it working? These questions would be swimming around either consciously or unconsciously in the back of every mark's head. Have you wondered why it is always young, attractive women who are selling beauty products and cosmetics? The consumers are mostly women, and they want to chase after youth with money. Therefore, young, attractive women are the perfect sales personnel for cosmetics.

[Three]

I think that's a great question. I also think that your concern is valid. I think processed foods are icky too. And integrity is very important to me as well. In addition, it's important that I myself am sold on the product if I going to convince anyone else to buy. Not only do I take it everyday, I have numerous customers who take it already and who have shared their positive experiences of it with me. http://www.qunol.com/ 

[travioli]

You've really got an ability to self-examine yourself; firstly, I say kudos to you.


So, my first reaction is that you coming across these people might be either of these two reasons.

 

1. You are somehow unconsciously attracting these people into your "orbit" because of unresolved issues.

2. The propensity of people that are like your parents is just very high--sociopaths and narcs let alone--people are just generally psychologically broken, can't negotiate, etc.

 

Or, it could be both, in some degree of relationship.

My guess is that you could have resolved your issues and be mistaking them being unresolved for option 2. (Because if you're this introspective and cautious, I would infer that you have a strong hold on the question of unconsciously recreating your childhood) Also, I think your anger is healthy. It might suck and be detrimental for the rest of your sales that day, as you say, but to be angry at people who resemble your parents, (or just general dickheads) means you have what some call "emotional immunity" to dysfunction. So this anger might be something healthy, rather than something that you seem to want to be fixing. Even if you do overcome the trauma's of your childhood, the pain button will always be there to some degree. So maybe the fact that people's destructive behavior with you "gets under your skin" is not indicative of unresolved trauma, but a healthy recognition of dysfunction, (that also happens to be similar to your dysfunctional environment in your childhood).
 

 

 

maybe I'm drawn to this because in my childhood I had so little influence over the people around me?

I don't think this is a bad thing--if you were starved from attention and had little influence, I think it'd be great for your growth process to be put in an environment when that changes. It's like coming up for air when you've been drowned your entire childhood. And it makes sense that you used to be socially anxious and took a night job to avoid dealing with people--because now you've overcome that anxiety (that was most likely a result of unresolved issues).

 

 

 

However, the exact opposite outcome can also happen, and this is when I ask the question, “what is wrong with these people?”. It's not because I get frustrated that somebody didn’t buy from me. I take full responsibility for my performance.

It seems like your initial emotional reaction is that it is their fault--i.e. a dispositional judgement. But then the second half of this quote, you seem to retreat into a rationalization of "I take full responsibility for my performance." So, these are two very different things. Maybe it is one or the other, or both, or you haven't noticed this discrepancy--therefore I felt like pointing it out. And who's to say it's not their fault for being unable to communicate/negotiate/be a decent human being? You seem to be initially feeling that it's them, and then retreating intellectually to criticize yourself. Some of those introspective criticisms might be legitimate and helpful, but I think some of them are you not trusting your emotional instincts, which often are right, (especially being self aware, as you seem to be).


I hope that all helps!

[Three]

Hey, Travioli. First off, I want to thank you for taking the time to write such a warm and thoughtful reply. After giving your post considerable thought, I'm becoming more aware of some aspects of what occurs when I feel angry. When I feel really angry in these moments, a part of me comes in and says,"this anger is too strong to be just ordinary healthy anger.  the severity of your emotional reaction is a result of you not taking the time to deal with these issues or some unresolved trauma. ". And that's very interesting, I'd like to spend more time getting know that part. So, when you remind me that the anger is actual could be a good thing and even suggest that being drawn to sales isn't necessarily a bad thing,   I feel a lot less tension. Also, I appreciate you pointing out the discrepency. I did imply it was all their fault and then say I take full responsibility. That's really fascinating to me and i'm wondering now why I did that?And again, thank you for suggesting a 3rd possibility, which is that emotional instincts are often right. These suggestions really broaden the horizon of exploration.

Your reply was certainly helpful and has given me a lot to think about. 

[travioli]

You're welcome--it was fun for me! I guess that's what we're here for on the boards--to look out for each other.I'd like to hear developments when they come, as well. 

[luxfelix]

I can relate to the anxiety you described, having myself sold artwork and performed improv on stage (butterflies in the stomach).

 

With improv in particular, I'm actively listening and often free-associating and acting in real time, so I experience almost instantaneous feedback of how my thoughts and emotions affect the scene and the audience. It's important to process the information and act in the moment. This is similar to when you mentioned noticing the stares and subtle body language of the customers.

 

Whether selling artwork or selling the scene, however, what helped me recover from an unpleasant customer or disengaged audience was a return to the present moment (reflecting only briefly and more in-depth afterwards) because when reflecting, I am no longer acting but reacting (a bit counter-intuitive maybe?).

 

For example, when driving you have mirrors and indicators that are very helpful to monitor conditions, but when we check a mirror, we aren't looking ahead of us so we check them and other indicators only briefly (staying in the zone). When we pull over or come to an auto mechanic we can then take a closer look.

 

To add to travioli's point, your emotional indicators are there to help in the moment as well as potentially forecasting what is to come (if not attended to and reflecting on etc.).

[Three]

You're welcome--it was fun for me! I guess that's what we're here for on the boards--to look out for each other.I'd like to hear developments when they come, as well. 

 

 

I can relate to the anxiety you described, having myself sold artwork and performed improv on stage (butterflies in the stomach).

 

With improv in particular, I'm actively listening and often free-associating and acting in real time, so I experience almost instantaneous feedback of how my thoughts and emotions affect the scene and the audience. It's important to process the information and act in the moment. This is similar to when you mentioned noticing the stares and subtle body language of the customers.

 

Whether selling artwork or selling the scene, however, what helped me recover from an unpleasant customer or disengaged audience was a return to the present moment (reflecting only briefly and more in-depth afterwards) because when reflecting, I am no longer acting but reacting (a bit counter-intuitive maybe?).

 

For example, when driving you have mirrors and indicators that are very helpful to monitor conditions, but when we check a mirror, we aren't looking ahead of us so we check them and other indicators only briefly (staying in the zone). When we pull over or come to an auto mechanic we can then take a closer look.

 

To add to travioli's point, your emotional indicators are there to help in the moment as well as potentially forecasting what is to come (if not attended to and reflecting on etc.).

 

 

Again, Thank you both for replying. Lufelix, improv sounds really challenging!  I think the mirror analogy is great. I also am glad you related your feelings to me. It's a relief to feel like it's not just me. It's not only anxiety, but its like a snab in the heart. like, my heart hurts. do you experience that? About developments, this is how I responded today. But first, i'll try to make it brief, some history for context. One of the more insane interactions I had was two weeks ago. It was an old woman and her spouse. She picked up my product and asked questions. I was excited because the kind of questions she was asking in particular are usually questions only a serious buyer would ask, so I was very excited and with enthusiasm answered her questions. I had two products on my table. A liquid version and a softgel version. It is the liquid version that is being sampled and takes up more room on the demo table. One of the questions she asked me was, "what's the difference?" Now, here I was very sensitive to the fact that when most customers see two products, with one being more emphasized than the other, they will be skeptical as to why we are doing that.Rather than saying something like, "Well the liquid is better!" I tactfully replied, "Well, we understand that people have preferences and so, we wanted to keep a variety for you guys." I then went on to explain why some people buy the liquid and why some people buy the softgel. That way i find something that better serves their needs and so it's not like I'm pushing them into anything. While she seemed to be considering the information I share, her husband suddenly grabbed the two boxes, compared them and then started grilling me. Without going into to much detail,  He asked completely irrelavent questions, all with the implication that I was being manipulative. He wanted to  "expose me."Regardless of the answer I gave, even if it was a great one, he moved the post and asked more questions. It was really sudden and startling. I also noticed he was getting more and more aggressive. Things were beginning to escalate. I decided to do what our company suggests with these customers, let them go!  So, I said. "I appreciate your skepticism, I want to assure you I'm here to help. i want you to be comfortable in making a decision. Feel free to do some research next time you're online."  After this interaction I thought, "wow, that guy was a nut. Is he like some insecure alpha male who doesnt like to see another guy helping his woman? I mean, does he see himself as protecting her from me?"Fast forward to weeks later and the same couple comes in today. I already didn't want to be at work because I had a crazy dream and wanted to focus on that. They both looked at me, even smiled a bit, and I simply said hello. Because of what happened last time, I decided to leave them alone. She then went up to my table and this time picked up the product and started reading it. Now, this was confusing to me. Why would she do that? I told her about it already. I answered a number of questions. she could of went online to look at our website or read reviews. She said to her husband "look, it says it does X."He then did the exact same thing and snatched a box, turned it over and started judiciously saying, "it says it MAY not it DOES"I was tempted to argue, but I let it be. She then turned over and looked at me, "do you remember us?" And the husband said, "it's been two weeks" (im not sure why he said this.)The woman then said, "he probably does that's why he's not saying much."I then had an epiphany. "Holy shit! This woman is not innocent. She's the enabler. She probably enjoys seeing her husband do this stuff. She's hoping to provoke him. They are like a system. Not only is he just waiting to vent his rage, she is abusing by proxy. My god, these people are insane. "I then said, "I do remember you. I'm not doing this again. Don't take my word for anything about this product. Go look it up if you'd like."Seemingly disappointed that I didn't react how they expected, they walked off without a word. Shortly after a man looked at my demo. I said, "hey, feel free to get a sample." He got a sample, stared at the demo for a bit, then asked, "how much?" i said it's 7 dollars off today, it's $22. He exclaimed, "geeze! that's expensive. They must think highly of themselves."I then had another interaction shortly after this which was similar.  I don't feel like going into the detials. I was incredibly mad and hurt. I decided to take into consideration what you said about my feelings being healthy. I thought, "you know, I've been abused for years, so whether I'm attracting them or not, that's nothing to be ashamed about. It's not bad. It is what it is. I'm sensitive because i've been abused for years. All I know is that I'm hurting." I imagined if I had a son, who came to me saying, "I'm hurt." Would I tell my son to suck it up and get through work. Probably not.I then, without apology, asked my supervisor  if I could leave and that I didn't feel well. I explained to him that I didnt want to take company money and not produce, that it wouldnt be productive if I stayed. He understand and said, "I understand. get some rest, man."And also, to be clear, It's not like i did without thought or impulsively. i made the decision after thinking for a while.  

I also left a message to schedule an appointment with an IFS therapist next week.  

 

[luxfelix]

Lufelix, improv sounds really challenging!  I think the mirror analogy is great. I also am glad you related your feelings to me. It's a relief to feel like it's not just me. It's not only anxiety, but its like a snab in the heart. like, my heart hurts. do you experience that? 

 

It is challenging!  

 

In improv, one of the goals is to actively bypass your slower thinking mind (and doubts) and perform with your faster (and arguably more honest) feeling mind ("neurons of the heart"). If you've seen that Inside the Actors Studio interview with Robin Williams where he is asked about his quick wit, there is profound truth behind his antics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGhfxKUH80M#t=58

 

The first time I watched it I got lost in the humor of his performance and forgot the question he was answering, but he is answering the original question, as well as (I feel) revealing how he connects to others, otherwise non-receptive (like his mother), through comedy. He's speaking from his sub-conscious to the sub-conscious of the audience members to bypass the barriers of their conscious thinking minds.

 

In contrast, I recognize many of the callers to Freedomain Radio struggle to respond, and I connect this to the defenses of the conscious mind; this is probably why Stefan Molyneux brings to a caller's attention if and how oddly unemotional their responses are when they discuss an experience.

 

With regards to relating feelings and the heart snab, I can relate that to improv (and conversation) as well:

 

In improv, there is a golden rule called "yes, and..." where you agree with what you or your partner(s) in the scene introduce and embellish. They, in turn, agree to the new information and further embellish. It is a mutual give and take relationship. A corollary to "yes, and..." is the "agree to disagree" where an apparent denial is actually an agreement (for example: "Did you take a cookie from the cookie jar?" "Noooo...."   *swallows* ).

 

Outright disagreement breaks down a scene in two ways, (1) it negates the information introduced and disengages an audience by opening questions of credibility, and (2) withers trust between the performers whom, as implied beforehand, both agreed to enter into a scene together.

 

This is where I feel that heart pain, a form of betrayal.

 

If I were selling the product at Costco and this couple came up to me, I imagine I would feel this as well because it is implied that I am here to help by informing and selling a valuable product, but rather than agree or agree to disagree, the couple outright negate what I'm introducing to the "scene" by (1) questioning my credibility (in an accusatory rather than curious and open manner), and (2) withering any baseline level of trust prerequisite for conducting business. At this point, I wouldn't feel any mutual give-and-take and wouldn't want to play with them anymore.

 

I'll also mention an added benefit in improv that mirrors what happens in good conversation outside of a scene: There's this concept called a "master mind" (or "the beast") which only occurs when all parties are in agreement (or agreeing to disagree etc.) where each member is highly sensitive (empathizing) to others and can almost read each other's minds. In a scene, this heightened awareness produces the illusion of pre-planned choreography and/or dialogue to the audience (like when a sports team is in the zone), and outside of a scene, we're more likely to make connections and remember things, people, and experiences applicable to the conversation and/or task at hand. 

 

I would liken improv to another kind of therapy for the subconscious mind that at times can feel like a waking dream.

[travioli]

 

 

One of the more insane interactions I had was two weeks ago. It was an old woman and her spouse. She picked up my product and asked questions. I was excited because the kind of questions she was asking in particular are usually questions only a serious buyer would ask, so I was very excited and with enthusiasm answered her questions. 

 

I had two products on my table. A liquid version and a softgel version. It is the liquid version that is being sampled and takes up more room on the demo table. One of the questions she asked me was, "what's the difference?" Now, here I was very sensitive to the fact that when most customers see two products, with one being more emphasized than the other, they will be skeptical as to why we are doing that.

 

Rather than saying something like, "Well the liquid is better!" I tactfully replied, "Well, we understand that people have preferences and so, we wanted to keep a variety for you guys." I then went on to explain why some people buy the liquid and why some people buy the softgel. That way i find something that better serves their needs and so it's not like I'm pushing them into anything. 

 

While she seemed to be considering the information I share, her husband suddenly grabbed the two boxes, compared them and then started grilling me. Without going into to much detail,  He asked completely irrelavent questions, all with the implication that I was being manipulative. He wanted to  "expose me."Regardless of the answer I gave, even if it was a great one, he moved the post and asked more questions. It was really sudden and startling. I also noticed he was getting more and more aggressive. Things were beginning to escalate. I decided to do what our company suggests with these customers, let them go!  So, I said. "I appreciate your skepticism, I want to assure you I'm here to help. i want you to be comfortable in making a decision. Feel free to do some research next time you're online."  After this interaction I thought, "wow, that guy was a nut. Is he like some insecure alpha male who doesnt like to see another guy helping his woman? I mean, does he see himself as protecting her from me?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fast forward to weeks later and the same couple comes in today. I already didn't want to be at work because I had a crazy dream and wanted to focus on that. They both looked at me, even smiled a bit, and I simply said hello. Because of what happened last time, I decided to leave them alone. She then went up to my table and this time picked up the product and started reading it. Now, this was confusing to me. Why would she do that? I told her about it already. I answered a number of questions. she could of went online to look at our website or read reviews. She said to her husband "look, it says it does X."

 

He then did the exact same thing and snatched a box, turned it over and started judiciously saying, "it says it MAY not it DOES"

 

 

 

I was tempted to argue, but I let it be. She then turned over and looked at me, "do you remember us?" And the husband said, "it's been two weeks" (im not sure why he said this.)

 

The woman then said, "he probably does that's why he's not saying much."

 

 

I then had an epiphany. "Holy shit! This woman is not innocent. She's the enabler. She probably enjoys seeing her husband do this stuff. She's hoping to provoke him. They are like a system. Not only is he just waiting to vent his rage, she is abusing by proxy. My god, these people are insane. "

 

 

I then said, "I do remember you. I'm not doing this again. Don't take my word for anything about this product. Go look it up if you'd like."

 

Jesus christ. People are real lunatics. I would be surprised if you didn't feel this emotional anguish when sadists came to you like this. You handled it well with the second interaction, because you took their power from them. You proved that you wouldn't be a target for their dysfunction, which you, (I think very accurately), assessed in you epiphany. And of course, those epiphanies come when we are more in line with ourselves, where the "revolving door" of feelings, erased by rationalization, erased by feeling etc. are when we might not be as self-trusting (like maybe you were before you wrote this topic for the first time). That's some pretty good progress from one board post, and I think that's excellent.

 

It sounds like you are just in a vulnerable job...and you have a vulnerable history with the same people. That sounds really hard. But, I think it is a good sign that your supervisor let you go and understood.

 

Hopefully the therapist you emailed is going to be competent enough for you're level of introspection. 

[Three]

 

 

 

Thank you both again for taking the time to reply. Lux, I had no idea that there were so many dimensions to improv. I knew the saying yes rule and that was about it. I'm thinking about how many times my wit has failed me in the moment only to reveal something brilliant long after that critical moment. This can be extremely frustrating, but I'm positive that I fog or go blank due to the fact that as a child I was punished for saying something quick witted. My mom was incredibly insecure about her own intelligence and would attack and undermine disagreements because to her they were like ,"one upmen ships." She was like that with humor as well. After I'd say something clever, she'd come back like a few minutes later with something to put it down. My blank moments are probably protector parts who think they are still in that bad environment. Trav, I was really amazed. I also have made a few discoveries about what could be influencing these people. The first being is that I'm approaching them with fear. Fear does provoke cruelty. And regarding the discrepancy earlier, in my childhood . As a child I couldnt judge my environment objectively, so the possibility of my parents being sadistic had to be pushed aside with  a focus on myself.So, if someone bullies me for my clothes or face, I internalize, "my looks are a source of bullying, i must fix it." this focuses my energy more on "fixing" me, rather than pushing back. Which opens the gates to more abuse. this podcast is relevant in so many ways. This gentleman experienced bullying at work too. 

 

[luxfelix]

Yep. 

 

And I can relate to the feeling/situation with your mom (for me, my father).

 

But, I recognize that you had your wits about you here: https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/41385-child-abuse-intervention-this-time-at-my-job/

 

There was a common saying in my improv troupe to "follow the fear" (or even better, chase it!) because that is where you will find your vulnerability; In this state, you can move through the fight/flight/freeze mechanism to respond with a heightened awareness; and of course, this is best practiced in a safe environment like a stage, dojo, or therapists office (or even in lucid dreaming?).

 

It kinda follows the idea that we learn the most about ourselves and others through conflict, even if that conflict is a simulation.

 

That's one of the benefits I (and I presume others here) find to reading your posts and topics, you're sharing your experience(s) that, even though they're in the past, I'm able to also experience (as simulation), exercising my empathy and problem solving skills for what I would do in that situation, albeit with considerable psychical distance.

 

Thank you.