Gwen Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 My husband and I are getting a divorce. It is my decision to end things and it was made after we had tried very intensive counselling. The councillor and I both tried our best to get through to my husband but after much talk he refused to acknowledge that his actions have played a part in my not feeling safe in the relationship and my worry about our two boys (aged 4 and 6) becoming a target of his abuse. The counsellor said that even though breaking up our family would be horrible, staying in the relationship as it is would be worse. The councillor supports my decision to leave wholeheartedly and said to my husband that he is a very angry person. Him being angry and me being fearful in our relationship was very destructive. My kids have already seen/heard stuff that will stay with them for life. My husband said that he may want to cut us out of his life completely as it would be 'easier for him' than seeing the boys. Prior to counselling he had threatened to do this if I left him. He was giving me the option of staying with him without him committing to changing anything. I do think (hope desperately) that he will come around and I am keeping things very civil but at this point I really don't know what he'll do. I realize that no matter what, this is going to be the worst thing I could possibly put my kids through (well, staying would have been worse). Right now I'm trying to find as much I can read as possible to explain things in a way that a 4 and 6 year old can understand. Any recommendations?
Canoe_Captain Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 I cannot vouch for the quality of those books, I just discovered the list last week: http://thechildofdivorce.com/resources-child.html Its a list of books for children of different ages + books for adults. These are the Categories: Children Books(4-6 Year Olds)(7-9 Year Olds) (10-14 Year Olds)+ Parent Books 1
DaVinci Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 I'm sorry to hear about that. My heart goes out to your children. I'm not sure any book will make them understand. If they are that young, and you have been having problems with him for a while then your children have probably sensed that you and your husband didn't have a tight emotional connection. So the dissolving of your marriage is something that they will probably only understand on the level of understanding your emotions. So if they see you crying, they will know you are sad, but they might not understand why you are crying without having had that same emotional connection to you as parents. If you spent these early years of their lives fighting with your husband and arguing and being distant to each other then there is probably not too much of a connection that your children have to the two of you as their parents. I think the best thing you can do is to explain it to them as best you can, but know that they don't quite understand. The most important thing, I think, will be to figure out a way to minimize the effect a potentially single parent household will have on their development. Especially if your husband is actually going to take off and never be seen again after the divorce. Again, I'm sorry about this situation. My parents got divorced when I was young so I understand what these kids will have to deal with. They don't have the vocabulary to say the things I'm saying.
Gwen Posted September 3, 2014 Author Posted September 3, 2014 If you spent these early years of their lives fighting with your husband and arguing and being distant to each other then there is probably not too much of a connection that your children have to the two of you as their parents. I think the best thing you can do is to explain it to them as best you can, but know that they don't quite understand. The most important thing, I think, will be to figure out a way to minimize the effect a potentially single parent household will have on their development. We really didn't argue that much in front of them - I kept my mouth shut to avoid "pressing his buttons". So I think this is a little out of the blue for the kids. I am still in communications with a councillor about how to deal with my ex and explain things to the kids. I'm trying to think about how to maximize the amount of time they have with good male influences (other male family members) so in the long term they can understand healthy ways to act like a man.
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