My father just died, and I feel nothing.

[Peter Cohen]

Dear Stefan,

 

Should I be concerned about my seeming utter lack of emotion upon hearing the news yesterday evening that my father just died? I do not believe the emotion is simply sublimated, as my dreams last night were perfectly normal, pleasant, and nothing to do with parents, my past or whatever.

 

I have had zero contact with him for about eight years. Just prior I had spent a year or so meeting him for lunch every week or two, but then he erupted in a tirade against my arrogance for deriding the idea of a project he had brought up and was enthused about, having watched a television program proposing to build a bridge over the Bering Strait (I probably need not belabour my reasoning). This was merely the last straw for me, and I never contacted him again. His (latest) wife has me the guilty party in our estrangement, despite my father not contacting me either.

 

I was raised in a manner which would engender a lack of emotional attachment for friends and family. Prior to leaving home at the age of seventeen, I had lived in over thirty homes and been to over twenty schools, every time having to leave behind all friendships and start anew. I lived through four divorces on my father's side, and changed custody several times between my father and mother. My father worked all day, every day, away from home on a crusade to save the world. He never meant to do evil, but his cause was so urgent to him that little else mattered. About the only attention I got from my mother was when she would beat me, which happened with great regularity for little reason. That continued until I finally, at the age of thirteen, hit her back, one of only two times I have ever struck someone in anger, and the only time I do not regret. My fist in my mother's solar plexus was the last physical contact I ever had with my mother, with whom I am also now, for decades, completely estranged. (I am now 55 years old.)

 

I left my father's home at the age of seventeen after he spat in my face in a rage for not appreciating the fact that he had bought a nice house for us to live in 50 kilometres outside of the city. I had told him several times prior to his making the purchase that I vehemently did not wish to leave the city, but he remembered none of that apparently. This of course meant that I had again been forced away from everyone I knew and all activities I loved. I had been heavily involved in martial arts and dance for years prior and all that was now impossible, as my only way home was a bus ride, the last of which was nine PM. As a result, I abandoned any training, discovered the comfort of drugs, then ultimately dropped out of school and left home to live on the street.

 

My life since then has been largely a mess. I made a few attempts to complete some formal education, knowing that a higher education diploma might help, but all ultimately were aborted before any such document was earned. I fortunately was able to kick drugs after several attempts and have been a teetotaller for the last thirty five years. I lived a period for about ten years where I was not poor, the result of lucking into an entrepreneurial venture that for the time, remained profitable. Other than that however, I have been and remain ridiculously poor, lacking the energy to actually make the effort that would change that. My only real skill is the ability to write reasonably well, but writing books is actual work, which requires effort.

 

While my economic situation is about as dire as it gets in North America (I would be 'much' better off if I were willing to go on welfare), and I have but a few friends, none of whom are close, I am not actually unhappy or uncontent. That is perhaps a problem in that being discontent might well be the goad I would need to better my situation. My lack of discontent however, my unattachment, was a necessary learned survival mechanism to weather my childhood. I have never had any therapy, and am certainly in no position now to afford it, so those learned traits are still very much a part of who I am.

 

It takes some effort to summon any emotion for my mother, and all I can come up with is anger, though I do not dwell it at all. For my father however, I am somewhat surprised to find nothing inside of me. I understand what drove him, a deep survivor's guilt for terrible traumas he suffered in his own childhood living in Nazi occupied Holland with the last name of Cohen. The only mistake he made was having children. If he had avoided that, the world might well record him as a saint. He had many positive qualities which I certainly learned from, and for which I guess I aught be at least partially grateful. I believe I have forgiven him for the mistake of having children, which is I suppose an odd thing for a child to have to forgive a parent.

 

Sadly I have no phone nor the headset needed for Skype, so calling in is not an option. Hopefully I have included enough information here for Stefan or others to perhaps have something useful to comment on.

[QueechoFeecho]

Sometimes a period of time has to pass before the emotions set in.  It's akin to being in shock at the time of an event.

[J-William]

I was raised in a manner which would engender a lack of emotional attachment for friends and family. 

 

Hi Peter, this sentence leapt out at me as super strange. What's wrong with saying "I was a lonely kid with lousy fucking parents"? The way you wrote it is so disconnected and passive. Were your parents not actively making decisions? Did your father not actively decide to do things that were harmful to you and make poor decisions about who to bring into your life?

 

Your life has been a mess, and somehow documents were not earned, by you? I don't know, you didn't say. Maybe it was Jesus who didn't earn those documents.

 

I'm not trying to be hard on you, but this disconnection is part of why you don't feel anything. And you're making excuses for him. he wasn't evil, he just chose a woman who beat you frequently for your mother, he spat in your face, and flew into a rage at your disagreement, and didn't have enough courage to call you back and apologize. 

 

You should fucking hate his guts. There is a lot of anger inside that you are not experiencing. You do not need to pretend he was a good man. Good men do not spit in the face of people that have valid complaints about their actions.

 

 

[Peter Cohen]

The thing was, I was never lonely. I learned to make friends very quickly, a bit of a necessity if one is always finding themselves in a new place and one wishes to avoid being lonely. They were rarely close friends however.

 

What I wrote is indeed disconnected, so it is small wonder if it reads that way. That has been the theme of my life, that disconnect. I score 100% on a test of Buddha nature, which some might see I suppose as a 'good' thing.

 

You may be right that I am being too forgiving and aught to feel anger. Unfortunately I am more than capable of great anger. Allowing myself to feel it however has major deleterious consequences to my health, as it inflames a colitis condition I have had since my childhood (not much of a surprise that). I have on one occasion allowed that rein on my anger to slip, and were it not for the presence of a very wise and perceptive old native shaman who physically put himself between myself and my target, I would probably have spent many years in prison due to that slip.

 

It could well be that my father deserves no emotion from me other than anger. For me however, that is giving him the power to still hurt me after his death, as the anger itself would hurt me. Emptiness is for me, I believe, better. Lack of anger and disconnect is the survival strategy I needed to survive my childhood and emerge with some health intact. To abandon that is neither something simply decided nor easily achieved.

[Triumph]

Honestly I think it is just emotional fatigue.  Feeling too many strong emotions for too long.  From what little you have told us about your history, it is more than reasonable to believe that is the case. 

 

Like any fatigue the answer is to rest.  With emotions that is all about environment. 

[QueechoFeecho]

Here is a potentially hopeful thought:  If you resolve the underlying anger surrounding your parents, your body might heal itself, and you won't have to deal with the colitis.  That would be incredibly awesome.

[Nathan H. Hoffner]

You may be right that I am being too forgiving and aught to feel anger. Unfortunately I am more than capable of great anger. Allowing myself to feel it however has major deleterious consequences to my health, as it inflames a colitis condition I have had since my childhood (not much of a surprise that).

 

 

 

Maybe this can help.......

 

Ulcerative Colitis - http://robbwolf.com/2009/02/03/ulcerative-colitis/

 

http://scdlifestyle.com/2013/11/remmission-ulcerative-colitis-paleo-diet/

[Peter Cohen]

...resolve the underlying anger...

Sadly, I have no idea how one does that, unless perhaps by the 'catharsis' method, which is to allow yourself to feel it and express the reason for it so intensely that it ultimately goes away. I have indeed done plenty of that, and that is perhaps why I feel nothing.

 

Maybe this can help.......

 

Ulcerative Colitis - http://robbwolf.com/2009/02/03/ulcerative-colitis/

 

http://scdlifestyle.com/2013/11/remmission-ulcerative-colitis-paleo-diet/

Thank you for those links. I have been quite intrigued by the paleo diet and this is more ammo for the cause. The only thing that holds me back is my lack of financial resources, as a paleo diet would be decidedly more expensive than the "whatever is cheapest" diet I can now afford. That of course might be a vicious circle, in that the bad diet is what keeps me from having the energy and drive to change that situation in my life. If only I could win a lottery... ;-)

 

Edit: So I've been reading up now on paleo on a budget and it is potentially more affordable than I had thought. I will continue reading.

[J-William]

 

The thing was, I was never lonely. I learned to make friends very quickly, a bit of a necessity if one is always finding themselves in a new place and one wishes to avoid being lonely. They were rarely close friends however.

 

 

I hate to be annoying and tell you what you felt. You were not alone, but you were lonely. It's easy to look at someone with no "friends" and think they are lonely. It takes a good deal more to see the loneliness surrounded by a crowd of "friends".

 

How could you have ever had a really deep connection with anyone? If you did get close it wouldn't matter cuz you'd move again soon. Anyone you started getting close to would realize consciously or unconsciously that you were leaving soon and not want to get fully invested in the relationship.

 

It looks like you've done a fine job of getting your toxic FOO out of your life, but you have yet to deal with the toxic stress they inflicted on your body.

 

Here is a potentially hopeful thought:  If you resolve the underlying anger surrounding your parents, your body might heal itself, and you won't have to deal with the colitis.  That would be incredibly awesome.

This is a very real possibility. The body is amazing at healing once you take away the toxic stress. 

[Nathan H. Hoffner]

 

 

Edit: So I've been reading up now on paleo on a budget and it is potentially more affordable than I had thought. I will continue reading.

You're welcome, and yes, it can be made affordable because the food is generally so nutrient dense that you actual end up eating less overall. For example, the amount of nutrients in a dozen pastored eggs for $5 is amazing value, if you can find a good source. Plus, the question I ask myself why would I want to spend money on foods that cause harm (stress, inflammation, auto-immune response, which lead to most modern-day "diseases" of society) to my body? To me that is "expensive". Two key things to do first would be to eliminate grains completely and add more healthy fats (coconut oil is a great one, especially to cook with). The rest can come with time as you learn more of the "secrets." There are tons of resources online, including great recipe ideas.  The best part is you'll feel great and have consistent energy (no more blood sugar spikes and dips) and you'll end up looking better naked as a bonus. Just check out Mark Sisson for a good example.  I think he's 60 yrs old now.  Cheers!