Listening to My Earworm

[Three]

Everyone has an internal alarm system. A system which, in the presence of a threat or impending danger, creates a wide variety of sensations in the body to get your attention. The ways in which the alarm expresses itself can range from subtlety, in the form of mild tension or a minor gut feeling, to severity, in the form of psychological and physical sensations such as de-realization and intense heart pain.


It's an incredible mechanism. In fact, it's so serious about keeping you safe that even when in the presence of stimuli which isn't necessarily frightening, but merely reminds it of a past trauma, it will produce the same level of uncomfortable sensations. This is also called a 'Trauma trigger'.


This is just speculation, but I'm beginning to think this alarm system is even more brilliant, though. I'm beginning to think that, similar to how you can change your phones alarm to a jingle or a song, so too does the fight or flight response communicate to you with song if it's not getting your attention through other means. When I think about this while taking internal family systems and the reality subselves into consideration, the idea becomes even more exciting, since subpersonalities not only communicate through thoughts, but through images, feelings, sensations, ect. 


This is going to be a bit of a rant, so I want to apologize up front for any strain I might be inflicting on the readers tolerance for such digressions. I'll try to make it worth it. So, let's take the example of a narcissist. One of the key attributes of narcissism is the exaggerated investment in one's image at the expense of the self. The focus is more on how they appear, rather than how they feel. 



And when a person is this out of touch with the body and its feelings, it denotes a feeling of unreality in the individual. There is something crazy about a pattern of behavior that places achievement of success above the need for self respect, to love and to be loved. 


You know that feeling you get when you're around a group of people who are talking about something which you know little about. You know that feeling you get when they continue to keep talking without even acknowledging your presence? You know,that creepy, feeling like you're not there, like you're unreal. 



Well, that's like the feeling I get when I'm around a narcissist, even when they are looking straight at me and talking to me! After thinking about this for a while, I'm beginning to believe that the feeling of unreality I experience is actually theirs and what I'm experiencing vicariously is their relationship to themselves. It's incredibly unsettling. 



Admittedly, I am not immune to this pattern of behavior. At times, I fall into the Me + paradigm, and focus more on external things to solve the problem of insecurity, at the expense of my inner life. And I've noticed that when I do this for long enough period of time, I start to feel creeped out and unreal. I start to feel an intense feeling of doom. Not only that, which brings me to my point, is that this eery, yet beautiful, song plays in my head.



Specifically the intense part in the chorus, when the singer screams "can't somebody help me, all I need is to be, loved just for me", as if it's a desperate cry for understanding from my unconscious. "Love me just for me. I need your attention, stop cleaning so much, stop working so much! I'm tired of performing. Accept me for who I am." 



Well, it's certainly got my attention. As I was thinking of a good way to end this, my boss sent me a text asking if I could pick up somebody else's shift. I thought about it for quite sometime and came very close to saying yes, even after all I just wrote. Then my alarm system kicked in and I started to feel like that wouldn't be a good idea. Right now it's my off day and my priority is going to be exploring my inner life today. My answer was an unabashed no. 




Post Script: 

I'm an amateur, for more information about narcissism check out Pete Gerlach or Sam Vaknin.

[MysterionMuffles]

Omg I love that song it's what got me fully into Korn after dipping my toe in just Freak on a Leash.

 

I admire your comittment to self-knowledge, I hope you made the most of your day off.

 

It's also a weird fine line between narcissism and self-curiousity, the journey of self-knowledge. I read by Dr.Drew Pitski that everyone has at least a few narcissistic tendancies and self-exploration might fall under that category. I'm not expert, just have my cautions about it.

Reading your post, though, helped me make the distinction. That narcissism is more about self-image than healthy self perservation. Always a pleasure to learn from you Joel, especially about the feeling of unreality being a projection of the narcissists own personal hangs ups. Does put a lot of perspective on some of the narcissists I've dealt with in the past.

 

BTW...that song really does bring back some memories. I knew the lyrics always resonated with me, but for you to point out the importance of the chorus, for being loved for just being you--well it sure as hell added a whole new dynamic to how I feel about this song. It's funny how much of a difference ONE letter would make. I used to think the lyrics were "love just for me," as in a selfish thing all desired for him and only him. But "loved" changes it a lot. Takes away the narcissistic inclination I used to have for it.

[Three]

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. It was a fine day :)Yeah, I would totally check out the links I posted to learn more about Narcissism. From what I understand its a spectrum. Somebody can have narcissistic characteristics without being a full blown narcissist. And it's important to understand that these traits such as, externalizing a locus of control(not taking responsibility), gradiosity, abusive behavior, lack of empathy hypersensitivity, distorting reality, ect are all symptoms of wounds which result from early trauma, abandonment and neglect. It's when a person exhibits very many of these characteristics that warrants the diagnosis "A full blown narcissist." But, again, i'm not a professional. So, just because a person distorts reality, which I do sometimes, doesn't mean they're a narcissist. Again, thanks for reading and commenting!

[MysterionMuffles]

Where are the links? I only see the song. Do you mean your other thread where I think there was a list of 20-30 traits of a narcissistic mother?

[Three]

Oh, sorry. You're right. I didn't post links. 

[MMX2010]

 

 

It's also a weird fine line between narcissism and self-curiousity, the journey of self-knowledge.

 

 

Here you go, RJ. 

 

 

The Laws of the False, Idealized Self (or Ego-Driven Superiority) are as

• The False Self is more concerned about appearing superior than actually being superior.
• The False Self specifically wants to be better than other people, rather than pursue excellence and greatness for their own sake.
• The False Self not only wants everyone else to be inferior and remain inferior, and will do whatever it takes to keep them from improving themselves significantly.
• The False Self not only needs to appear better than other people, it needs the world to know about the apparent superiority and acknowledge it.
• The False Self not only needs the world to know about the superiority and acknowledge it, but it also needs people to be envious.
• The False Self wants to convert people and make them  followers, but never let them become independent of, equal to or greater than the master.
• The False Self is always looking for individual and collective “others” to label enemies, so that it can raise its own status by devaluing and  attacking these others.
• The False Self is always looking for individual and collective “similars” to label as allies so that it can raise its own status through praising these others and proving them superior thereby basking in the reflected glory.
• The False Self is always looking for acolytes and true believers who will buy into the image the false self is trying to convey and treat it like it was the real self.
• The False Self is always looking for other false selves to idealize, look up to and hero worship 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Laws of the True Self (or Enlightened Superiority) are as follows:

 

1.  The True Self is more concerned with doing its best than simply appearing superior.

 

2.  The True Self is more concerned with pursuing greatness for its own sake rather than pursuing images of greatness primarily to ensure others are inferior.

 

3.  The True Self doesn’t mind sharing its creative tools with others and giving them the means to improve themselves in similar ways.

 

4.  The True Self doesn’t mind having others know about and acknowledge its accomplishments, but is perfectly fine if such acknowledgment is never received. Such people generate their own validation internally rather than relying on external validation for their self-esteem.

 

5.  The True Self has no desire to inspire envy and jealousy in others.

 

6.  The True Self, even if it converts others and makes them followers, ultimately aims to help them become their own gurus in time, and is secure enough to even encourages them to someday surpass the master.

 

7.  The True Self realizes that it can’t and shouldn’t attempt to raise its own status simply by labeling individual and collective “others” as enemies and then devaluing and attacking these others.

 

8.  The True Self derive its self-worth from its personal attributes and accomplishments rather than by basking in the reflected glory of similar individuals, cultures or organizations.

 

9.  The True Self is always looking for others who are mature enough to appreciate and prefer the true self  as it is rather than encourage and buy into the image of the false self for what it pretends to be.

 

10.  The True Self is always looking for other true selves to take on as gurus and learn from.

[MysterionMuffles]

thanks fellows!

I will humbly mention that some of the traits in the false self list...are traits I possess and have been working on reversing lo these 8 years into self knowledge.

[prolix]

RE: True Self vs. False Self lists.

 

It reads a little like a horoscope to me. I read the false self list and thought of times I was like that. Then, I read the True self List and thought of times I was like that as well. Interesting experience. Reminds me of reading the horoscope for my sign, then, reading the horoscope  of a few other signs. I think it points towards the spectrum of narcissism briefly covered in  the Unmasking Narcissism video posted by Joel Patterson. Now wont you just tell me you love me? Please...

[Three]

thanks fellows!

I will humbly mention that some of the traits in the false self list...are traits I possess and have been working on reversing lo these 8 years into self knowledge.

Hey, Marlon and MMX. I appreciate your feedback. Here's another comparison by Pete Gerlach I thought you guys might find useful.

 

 

 

 

​

 

Here's the link http://sfhelp.org/gwc/compare.htm.

 

 

 

 

Common True Self Behavioral Traits

__ Alert, awake, aware

__ Generally "up" and "light," (mood)

__ Usually realistically optimistic

__ Focused, clear, and centered

__ Compassionate, kind, forgiving

__ Firm, strong, confidant, purposeful

__ Calm, serene, peaceful

__ Usually has a wide-angle, long-range  focus - accepts delayed gratification

__ Balances long and short-term payoffs

__ Usually patient, persistent, committed

__ Appreciative, grateful, "glass half-full"

__ Empathic, sensitive, genuinely respectful

__ Spiritually open,  aware, "connected,"  receptive, growing

__ Consistently self-nurturing without egotism

__ Genuine, honest, open, direct

__ Respectfully assertive

__ Socially engaged and active

__ Physically healthy: balanced diet, exercise, work and rest; gets preventive checkups

__ Spontaneously expressive of all emotions real-time, without major anxiety or guilt

__ Able to form genuine bonds with others

__ Able to judge who to dis/trust with what

__ Realistically self-responsible

__ Usually realistic about life and situations

__ Spontaneously able to exchange love

__ Comfortable receiving merited praise

__ Often able to forgive self and others

__ Frequently maintains a two-person "awareness bubble"

__ Seldom gives double messages

__ Able to grieve losses spontaneously

__ Seeks Self-guided people and high-nurturancesettings

__ Evolving and living a clear life purpose

__ Work, play, and rest are generally balanced

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Common False-self Behavioral Traits

__ Fuzzy, distracted, confused, numb

__ Often "heavy," "down," gloomy, manic

__ Usually pessimistic or idealistic

__ Confused, vague, unable to stay focused

__ Blaming, critical, bigoted

__ Indecisive, worried, cautious, doubtful

__ "Upset," scared, angry, guilty, ashamed

__ Usually has a narrow, short-term focus 

__ Usually seeks immediate gratification

__ Often impatient, impulsive, uncommitted

__ Bitter, jealous, resentful, "glass half empty"

__ Selfish, arrogant, disrespectful

__ Spiritually unaware, skeptical, closed, scornful, or uninterested

__ Consistently self-neglectful

__ Dishonest, indirect, sly, controlling

__ Timid and apologetic, or aggressive

__ Isolated or compulsively social

__ Physically unhealthy; relies on prescribed drugs or self-medication 

__ Anxious, guilty, or blocked about feeling and/orexpressing some or all emotions

__ Difficulty forming true (vs. pseudo) bonds

__ Difficulty discerning who to trust with what

__ Notably over- or under-responsible

__ Frequent distortions and denials

__ Difficulty giving and/or receiving real love

__ Uncomfortable receiving merited praise

__ Difficulty forgiving self and/or others

__ Often focuses only on her/himself or a conversational partner - 1-person "bubble"

__ Often gives double messages

__ Difficulty grieving on one to three levels

__ Unconsciously prefers wounded people and low-nurturance settings

__ Unclear on or indifferent to a life purpose

__ Work, play, and rest are often unbalanced

[MysterionMuffles]

WHOA thanks for the comprehensive list. I'm gonna fill it out sometime!

[prolix]

RE: True Self vs. False Self lists.

 

It reads a little like a horoscope to me. I read the false self list and thought of times I was like that. Then, I read the True self List and thought of times I was like that as well. Interesting experience. Reminds me of reading the horoscope for my sign, then, reading the horoscope  of a few other signs. I think it points towards the spectrum of narcissism briefly covered in  the Unmasking Narcissism video posted by Joel Patterson. Now wont you just tell me you love me? Please...

Interesting, I got 2 negs and no replies. I am really curious where I may have gone wrong here. Maybe I should put that in my sig? Just strikes me as kinda passive and unhelpful to throw around negs with no clarification. I don't think this is the place for that...

[MysterionMuffles]

Why does it remind you of reading your horoscope for your sign? 

[prolix]

Why does it remind you of reading your horoscope for your sign? 

 I read the false self list and thought of times I was like that. Then, I read the True self List and thought of times I was like that as well. Interesting experience. Reminds me of reading the horoscope for my sign (and thinking it fits me), then, reading the horoscope  of a few other signs (and thinking it also fits me).

[MysterionMuffles]

oh so you mean like it feels like just a bunch of generalities that can be applied to anybody? Horoscopes have these specific personality traits that are designed to look specific to certain people but aren't really? 

[prolix]

You got it.

[MysterionMuffles]

how do you feel about Joel's list? I think that one is very comprehensive.

[prolix]

how do you feel about Joel's list? I think that one is very comprehensive.

It looks like a list of positive traits and behaviors, then, a list of negative ones. Comprehensive? maybe. Useful? I don't see how.

 

Ok, all people have a pull towards both in different situations. I think my problem may be with "true/false self" label on the lists. I think the real "True Self" for everybody is the thing that discerns and chooses between the two lists and knows itself enough to know why. To call negative behavior "false" and positive behavior "true" is quite the misunderstanding as I see it. Someone could look at a tendency towards negative behavior as, "Oh, that is not the True Me". Well, yes it is. And until you accept it and understand why you did the negative thing(s) it will remain the "True You".

 

Self knowledge is about working with yourself as you are and understanding the good and bad traits within yourself. It really seems like an invitation to bury and suppress and ignore negative behavior at the expense of self knowledge. Simply saying that somewhere inside every bad, "False Self," person is a "True Self" just waiting to get out just strikes me as a distraction from doing the work of self knowledge. It is almost reminiscent of souls, or of some form of static human nature. The whole thing just smacks of over-generalization and over-simplification. So, how you deal with your behavior, no matter what list it falls into, is the "True Self" in my estimation...

[MysterionMuffles]

So being decisive, envious of others, and lacking the capacity to bond with others could be traits of somebody's true self? Being true to one's self could also mean having difficulty to giving or receiving love, and dishonest?

[prolix]

So being decisive, envious of others, and lacking the capacity to bond with others could be traits of somebody's true self? Being true to one's self could also mean having difficulty to giving or receiving love, and dishonest?

I don't think so. Like I said. The labels "true self" and "false self" are not very useful terms. So I just read it as "So being decisive, envious of others, and lacking the capacity to bond with others could be traits of somebody's self?" 

 

"Being true to one's self could also mean having difficulty to giving or receiving love, and dishonest?" Now this I would agree with. Being "true to yourself" can look like anything. If you are a dishonest person, then you are being "true" to that reality if you behave like that. I think if you recognize your tendencies, both good and bad, and seek self knowledge then you are being true to yourself. If your will and desire is to know your self. If your will and desire is, say, dishonesty. Then in that case if you behave dishonest you are being true to your self. Do you see? I am looking at this irrespective of actions, but with intent. If you are true towards your intent you are true to yourself. If your intent is positive or negative is peripheral to whether you are being true to your self. 

 

​To me, the "True Self" is self knowledge. Not certain behaviors. But the act of perusing self knowledge, for good or bad, instead.

[MysterionMuffles]

But being dishonest involves falseness, falseness of self in order to avoid truth. Dishonesty means there is something to hide of your true self, hence the falseness.

 

I think you may be looking at as if people have either or tendancies as opposed to accepting that some traits may not even relate to someone. Is there not a place of neutrality where one is neither decisive or indecisive, but may contain many of the other traits from either camp?

[Three]

I don't think so. Like I said. The labels "true self" and "false self" are not very useful terms. 

I can understand how it wouldn't be useful to someone who doesn't understand or seek to understand why those terms are used.  

[prolix]

I can understand how it wouldn't be useful to someone who doesn't understand or seek to understand why those terms are used.  

Like who?