First 100 questions you should ask on your first date!

[wdiaz03]

Hi,

 

I recently heard Stef say that he can tell when someone is worthy of befriending in the first 10 minutes.

 

I bought the book Blink recently in hopes of getting perspective in the matter

I wanted to get your opinion on how you approach these encounters, I'm mainly curious about dating. first dates etc. and what questions are most important to ask. (I'm helping a friend find a life long partner)

 

Thanks a lot in advance.

 

[MagnumPI]

Throw it all out the window. I recently had 2 separate dates, 2 different women, answered 95% "correct" and never heard from either one again. Another girl was walled off a bit, had a questionable past, and is rather religious... Going to see her for a 3rd date. 

 

My thoughts on the matter are pay attention to the "here and now" and work on the rest as it develops.

 

Sorry, if that doesn't answer the question. I make sure and ask about previous relationships, what they want from their partner or what they want from dating.

 

One that I love to ask is: "If you could do anything with yourself, as a profession, regardless of pay, what would it be?" And follow with asking who else they've shared that with. This is one the first girl got stuck on. She said she hadn't told her mom, and her mom wanted her to do the college, masters, etc, etc. route. Oh, but she's supportive when she really knows I'm serious about something! Hence, telling some guy you've known 20 minutes before her...

[wdiaz03]

Throw it all out the window. I recently had 2 separate dates, 2 different women, answered 95% "correct" and never heard from either one again. Another girl was walled off a bit, had a questionable past, and is rather religious... Going to see her for a 3rd date. 

 

Thanks Magnum, I don't know if you can say "correct", that sounds manipulative,  I prefer "honest"

Also you might be assuming that these girls had the self knowledge to realize that you are worth their time. Remember you are looking for a needle in a haystack...there's going to be a lot of hay.

 

BTW, my friend is female, so any female to male questions would apply.

 

Thanks

[MichaelG]

If you are looking for a life long partner why ask over 100 questions on the first date?

 

particularly at the beginning it is crucial to listen. listen to what questions they ask, listen harder for the questions they dont

 

I just want to point out that if you do not feel a deep connection to the person asking the questions it is not going to matter what the answers are,

 

So, to Magnum,

They answered them corrrectly but why were you asking them? Even if it is non verbal, a woman in my experience has already decided whether or not she is going to sleep with you in the first 10 seconds of meeting you. So, if you do not feel a connection but simply just want her and then interview her irrespectively it is a waste of time.

In this case, if you are an interviewer as opposed to someone who is having an exciting and romantic/erotic experience then this is because you have removed yourself from what you want to a point that is unrecoverable. Where is your I?

 

I do not mean to say that you have done so permanently but this is the insidiousness of fear acted upon your thinking. You do not have to sacrifice yourself to get what you want. To do so, is only to condemn oneself before you even begin.

[cynicist]

Questions are helpful, but I would probably ask only to get the conversation flowing and then listen a lot more. All the subtle things like:

 

• How they present themselves
• What topics are most interesting to them
• Whether they stop talking and do any listening themselves
• Do they ask questions that surprise you or show attention to detail
• Whether you disagree on anything and how that goes
• Whether they are engaged, lively, and interested in you
• Passionate about something that is not trivial by your standards
• Qualities they take pride in
• Qualities they expect in an ideal partner
• Do they speak in euphemisms or are they clear and concise
• Are they direct or do they leave a lot of hints instead
• ---<add more stuff here>---

 

You can learn all of this without asking about it directly. If you listen carefully people will tell you everything very quickly, and you'll eliminate probably 95% of candidates before you even get to the serious questions about core values and family history. Remember that these are markers for how they will be in a future relationship, and if anything they will be slightly exaggerated since everyone is excited at the possibilities of a new romantic relationship and wants to put their best qualities on display during the first date. 

 

I don't like interview questions. They are vague, subjective, boring, and everyone has heard them from managers before which leads to rote replies. What do they actually tell you about a person? How do you evaluate their answers? If I ran into someone who asked me those questions during a date I might just get up and walk away, because my first thought would be: "Are they so lacking in imagination that they can't even come up with original questions?". Kevin made a great point about checking in with yourself though, which I think is the best source of information about the date that you can get.

 

Edit: I'll actually add one more tip that is very specific. Try mentioning your feelings during a date and see what happens. Many people respond negatively to the simple expression of your internal state, as if your feelings are: an imposition on them, manipulative and loaded with hidden meaning, something to ignore, or just plain terrifying/uncomfortable. If you are feeling extraordinarily brave you can even ask them about it. I'm not saying rule anyone out straight away based on this, but it could hint at what kind of background they grew up in and might lead to other avenues worthy of exploration.

[QueechoFeecho]

I like the idea of making a mistake, ideally not on purpose, it should be a real mistake that somehow interferes with the plans for your date.

 

Like if you're going out to dinner in some city, and you miss the turn to go into the parking garage.  And that requires you to circle the block for like 10 minutes, delaying your arrival at the restaurant.  How does she react?  Does she tolerate when things don't go as planned? 

 

Because if she's a keeper for long-term, and you have kids, TONS of stuff won't go as planned.

[MagnumPI]

Had a talk with my therapist today. We talked on this topic and she made a point that it was more important to her that her husband was able to have fun and loosen up before she opened up and got into the deeper emotional questions. And, that most people have to get comfortable with you before they open up about ^ these sort of topics. She suggested that I might try to go have a good time, and let things progress, or not, naturally.

 

I'm a little torn. It's not as if I show up to dates, and put on my gray, interviewer costume. I can get some laughs, talk about some less important things, but I also don't spend a lot of time on the weather and sports and junk. I look not so much for a complete person, which is to say, someone already having gone through the self actualization, who has confronted their problems. But more for someone willing to, and capable of progressing.

 

But, honestly, it's got me really turned around. My therapist also mentioned that it takes most people who go to therapy 6 months or so and won't open up like myself(and probably most people on this board) can immediately. So, is coming at it guns blazing, wide open throttle, a good way to find a life partner? Or is more patience needed?

[wdiaz03]

That's a good question Magnum, I think a lot of it has to do with the level of maturity of the other person.The age of the people you are dating, etc. For the older crowd (30+) a more direct approach seems like the way to go since they have less time to waste. The idea is to be able to discard "the bad ones" as efficiently as possible. Those are 99% of todays society so the sooner you can move on the better the chances.

Even if those you meet lack self knowledge they should at least show curiosity and be willing to work on themselves. I like a lot of the questions and advice given so far, at least for the age range of my friend.

 

It might not be 100 questions on the first date, but 6 months seems extreme. Maybe for you the answer is somewhere in between.

[Bouncelot]

I look at is as layers/levels. The main purpose of the first few dates is to get to know the person. I like to think that the purpose of the first date is to determine if there will be a second, the second a third, and so on.

You want to have fun, you don't want to turn it into an interrogation, you want to get to know the person!

 

You can determine allot w/o diving deep into philosophical questions and conversations. By just asking about their life, their family (do you have brothers or sisters?), their friends, their hobbies, you let them determine the pace. when they ask you questions, you open a bit and see if they are comfortable with your openness.

Their reactions, and their answers will tell you allot about their relationship with reality. How willing they are to open up, etc... by re-phrasing a question from different angles, or asking for more details on things you can get a sense any internal logic bombs.

You can gain allot of information without turning a a spotlight on them

AND you will have allot more fun doing it!

[QueechoFeecho]

Pay attention to how she orders her steak.  Rare or medium rare or else you get up and walk out.

[MagnumPI]

That's a good question Magnum, I think a lot of it has to do with the level of maturity of the other person.The age of the people you are dating, etc. For the older crowd (30+) a more direct approach seems like the way to go since they have less time to waste. The idea is to be able to discard "the bad ones" as efficiently as possible. Those are 99% of todays society so the sooner you can move on the better the chances.

Even if those you meet lack self knowledge they should at least show curiosity and be willing to work on themselves. I like a lot of the questions and advice given so far, at least for the age range of my friend.

 

It might not be 100 questions on the first date, but 6 months seems extreme. Maybe for you the answer is somewhere in between.

I've been thinking about this and realized it doesn't make a difference. I need to find a new town. The odds are just too low in a city with a few number ones such as:

 

High School Dropout rate(not altogether bad but certainly signals a larger problem, such as...)

Teen PregnancyIlliteracy

Most drunk, according to Men's Health magazineand a nice bonus - Worst Air Quality!

 

It's futile to even pretend there's any chance of finding a decent woman here. I might just be making excuses but the fact that I am having such a hard time only reinforces the notion that I need to make a big change to help myself out. Which kind of goes with the original thread topic. All the questions in the world won't work if you continually ask the wrong people.

[wdiaz03]

....

It's futile to even pretend there's any chance of finding a decent woman here. I might just be making excuses but the fact that I am having such a hard time only reinforces the notion that I need to make a big change to help myself out. Which kind of goes with the original thread topic. All the questions in the world won't work if you continually ask the wrong people.

 

I wouldn't give up on your city just yet, The odds are pretty low everywhere. That's one of the reasons I started the thread, to provide a better tool to discard as efficiently as possible. If you are looking for a needle in a hay stack then the better your technique the better the chances. But you have to have a game plan, For example knowing where not to look is a start.

 

Places like bars, sports events (football games, etc) are bound to draw the wrong crowd.

 

It'll be interesting to hear where others here go to meet like minded people. Is it just online dating sites?

I could see where FDR meetups would be a great start.

 

Then, when you find someone, certain questions might be able to tell you if they are rational and curious about self knowledge which to me is a good bases to start to get to know them better. otherwise, discard and move on. The more you discard the sooner you will find someone who is really worth your time.

[MagnumPI]

Yeah, I don't disagree. I am starting to feel like I'm falling back off the wagon. No support structure whatever. I still think the odds where 50% of 5 million are better than 50% of 350,000 but who knows? I certainly need to get back in touch with my principles.As for online dating, my results are far worse than meeting women at the coffee shop. Another venue is the "Cars and Coffee" if you're into cars. Or coffee? It's a new crowd regardless. I know they're big in California, but they're all over. Or if you don't have one local, start it up. My buddy did around here, and at the moment, only has a leased Passat.

[Josh F]

One tool I've found valuable, but isn't always an option, is to find out what other people think about her.  Prior to dating my current girlfriend everyone described her as a sweetheart.  In Spanish they say Mama Gallina, which is the kind of girl who takes care of other girls almost like a mom.  Giving advice, making sure they're well, trying to keep them away from bad boyfriends, etc.  That was a sign of empathy.  After we dated and let people know, more people than I could count came up to me privately and told me "you better treat this woman good, she is special."  That was a sign of respect.  For me, that was important information to continue forward.  It took some time before we were able to explore much deeper topics like family violence in a safe and intimate way.  She was very supportive when I deFOO'd, and gave me the chance to explain my perspective, something which is practically unheard of in latin America.  We've had the chance to talk about her relationships, which she has worked on repairing and understanding better.  With her sister's kid, we were able to talk about peaceful negotiation tactics.

 

Now, I did ask if she thought spanking kids was okay early on just because that is a deal breaker for me personally.  And I asked about her childhood generally, and I tried to get a general feel for her ethics.  She is a very reformed christian (no church or anything too weird, but a general belief in God and Jesus) and it was important for her that I, as an atheist, would respect her religion.  I told her I couldn't respect the beliefs as ideas, but that I would always respect her choice to have them and I wouldn't fight over it.  That might be easier for me because I wasn't raised with a lot of religious repression so it isn't a "trigger" for me. 

 

My point being that some of the above suggestions are very important to discuss prior to committing to a serious relationship, but are not necessarily good questions on a first date.  Those are some very personal questions and I think its important to establish intimacy.  First questions might be anything which you consider a deal breaker.  For me, this was spanking, so I had to cover it day one.  

[wdiaz03]

One tool I've found valuable, but isn't always an option, is to find out what other people think about her.  Prior to dating my current girlfriend everyone described her as a sweetheart.  In Spanish they say Mama Gallina, which is the kind of girl who takes care of other girls almost like a mom.  Giving advice, making sure they're well, trying to keep them away from bad boyfriends, etc.  That was a sign of empathy.  After we dated and let people know, more people than I could count came up to me privately and told me "you better treat this woman good, she is special."  That was a sign of respect.  For me, that was important information to continue forward.  It took some time before we were able to explore much deeper topics like family violence in a safe and intimate way.  She was very supportive when I deFOO'd, and gave me the chance to explain my perspective, something which is practically unheard of in latin America.  We've had the chance to talk about her relationships, which she has worked on repairing and understanding better.  With her sister's kid, we were able to talk about peaceful negotiation tactics.

 

Now, I did ask if she thought spanking kids was okay early on just because that is a deal breaker for me personally.  And I asked about her childhood generally, and I tried to get a general feel for her ethics.  She is a very reformed christian (no church or anything too weird, but a general belief in God and Jesus) and it was important for her that I, as an atheist, would respect her religion.  I told her I couldn't respect the beliefs as ideas, but that I would always respect her choice to have them and I wouldn't fight over it.  That might be easier for me because I wasn't raised with a lot of religious repression so it isn't a "trigger" for me. 

 

My point being that some of the above suggestions are very important to discuss prior to committing to a serious relationship, but are not necessarily good questions on a first date.  Those are some very personal questions and I think its important to establish intimacy.  First questions might be anything which you consider a deal breaker.  For me, this was spanking, so I had to cover it day one.  

 

Thanks for the reply, This might not be your case but regarding others opinions, given that the majority of people lack self knowledge and principles whatever they think of a certain person has to be taken with a grain of salt. Also the "Mother chicken" attitude might be a sign that she derives her self worth from the amount of self sacrifice for the sake of others. Is she so focused on being a Mama Gallina that she not only raises her chicks but cuckoo birds as well that end up killing her own chicks?

Is she curious about your views enough to question her own believes? Is she planing on passing along her religion to her kids? (a form of mental spanking)

How does she justify that the person she claims to love will suffer everlasting pain for not believing? How can she pick and choose and decide to date an atheist? What other compromises is she willing to make? forgive and have abusers in your lives? etc?

 

Again not saying that this is your case, but other might want to ask themselves these questions.

[madman]

my parents divorced and my mother waited quite a while to start dating. she was around my age (i'm 51). i'm sure your friend is a lot younger. mom told me she had a short list. non smoker. employed. best if he's a homeowner. if he pulls up in an old pickup truck and he's wearing a sleeveless flannel and cutoffs then i'm sending him packin (that was my dad). we always laughed about that last part. he was truly a fashion retard. at her age she wanted someone financially and emotionally stable. it's all about what your friend wants out of life. does she know? lots of good questions and replies here in this thread. i met my first wife in the bar. we danced like it was 1999 until she got ruphied and we literally dragged her out to her best friends car. i gave her friend my card and got a call 2 weeks later. she grilled me like she was elliot ness. i was laughing my ass off. she was 41 at the time. she really sweated me on the phone and i let her know it. it was exhilerating. it was exciting and i respected her for it. i was really impressed. i think if you ask her what she wants out of life and out of a partner and she trusts you enough to be honest then making up a list will come naturally. especially if it's a short one (what are her deal breakers?).  

[Josh F]

Thanks for the reply, This might not be your case but regarding others opinions, given that the majority of people lack self knowledge and principles whatever they think of a certain person has to be taken with a grain of salt. Also the "Mother chicken" attitude might be a sign that she derives her self worth from the amount of self sacrifice for the sake of others. Is she so focused on being a Mama Gallina that she not only raises her chicks but cuckoo birds as well that end up killing her own chicks?

Is she curious about your views enough to question her own believes? Is she planing on passing along her religion to her kids? (a form of mental spanking)

How does she justify that the person she claims to love will suffer everlasting pain for not believing? How can she pick and choose and decide to date an atheist? What other compromises is she willing to make? forgive and have abusers in your lives? etc?

 

Again not saying that this is your case, but other might want to ask themselves these questions.

Yeah you're not wrong.  (Its more Mother Hen, then chicken)  She does have some issues with martyrdom and we've been able to explore that.  We've also been able to talk about how parenting might work if we had children.  She does not read the bible, go to church, or do anything formally religious.  We've come to a consensus that as we home schooled neither of us would attempt to teach our child about religion at all, though we would be honest if the kid had any questions.  We wouldn't baptize them or send them to church, nor would she suddenly have a bible in the house or teach the bible to the child.  My compromise is that if the child, as an adult, wanted to be religious (which I doubt will happen) that I would be tolerant of that.  Her Christianity is practically being an atheist in terms of the culture she is from, saying you're christian in a Catholic country amounts to saying you won't attend church or do catholic ceremonies like baptism or communion.  Its a new thing in her culture, to reject Catholicism and decide that your "relationship with Jesus" is a personal one.  The way she reconciles that I'll be burning in hell is that she 1. might be there with me since she doesn't think she'll qualify as the 144,000 chosen and that 2. it isn't her place to predict god's judgement.  I've never attempted to convert her, nor do I rattle off a bunch of logical disproofs or anything like that about the Bible. In general its not a big topic for me, personally.  I wasn't raised Christian, I got a very secular light (low quality) reformed education in Judaism, but was never really pressured into being religious, praying, etc. and it was not a big part of my family.  We do talk about atheism in respect to how it feels to be an atheist, how atheism functions, and mostly about objective morality as a moral philosophy. 

 

Her family doesn't use corporal punishment, though there are some issues.  I'd go into more detail but I dont think its okay to explain something that personal about her to a stranger.  Needless to say though, we've been able to talk about it a lot, and she's been extremely curious about it.  We've even watched some Molyneux together, and she's always saying, again and again, "yeah he's right, he has the truth" in spanish.  We've talking about childhood, dream analysis, real time relationships, and now we're even getting into internal family systems.  

 

I don't know if I got lucky, in that she definitely would set off a few of the above mentioned red flags, or that having an expectation that someone is going to meet all of those qualities is, as described as above, harder than finding a needle in a haystack.

 

I know with Molyneux, from a podcast, he mentioned that some of the ideas of deFOO were foreign to his wife and that it took time, not sure how much, to introduce her to those ideas.  That eventually she began to explore those ideas in her FOO, but it wasn't something that happened prior to their relationship starting.  

 

I mean I'll open this up as an idea... lets say we used some of the above check lists.  How many women would meet all of them?

 

My own list would be something like, do they have empathy, are they dynamic, and would they hit children.  By dynamic I mean someone who changes.  I'm always scared of someone who has been dealing with the same problem forever and never evolving past it.  I need to see that they're evolving humans, taking information in with a critical but open heart, processing it, and actually changing if the new information calls for it.  

[wdiaz03]

....

I don't know if I got lucky, in that she definitely would set off a few of the above mentioned red flags, or that having an expectation that someone is going to meet all of those qualities is, as described as above, harder than finding a needle in a haystack.

... 

 

 

Thanks Josh for your clarifications,

 

You are correct that to expect someone to meet all those qualities is to have unrealistic expectations. This is the hardest part of dating I think because as you place people somewhere on your list you have do decide what you will compromise on and what are deal breakers. I think you have a good criteria in your approach. In your case, as she knows you better and trusts you she might slowly make the transition to atheism, but as yo said this is not something of concern for you. Congratulations on your relationship, I wish you the best.

[kalmia]

100 questions?

If you want to be seen as valuable to another person, you need to be in the habit of adding value in your interactions. Asking questions is usually a value taking action. It is better to find ways to make statements that will trigger a comment if the other person is interested. It can take some added effort but doesn't make the other person feel interrogated. It lets the otherwise person open up as comfortable.

 

For example: I have made comments about how parents will attempt to control children for their convenience.

[MysterionMuffles]

This is such an awesome thread. Robert Rak and Kevin Beal, thanks for the comprehensive lists. 

 

 I wouldn't call you over judgemental, it's good to have standards as you've listed. 

4. What's your greatest strength?

 

5. What's your greatest weakness?

 

6. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

 

Hm...but taking it from Robert's approach, these are the kinds of questions I think you can get answers to in a more implicit, creative kind of way. People are always revealing a lot about themselves in how they present themselves, and I think it just takes some extra listening to guage their level of pride and humility.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong--and it may seem like emotional management--but wouldn't be asked those questions make the other person feel like an interview? I don't know, if a woman asked you these questions this directly, you'd feel comfortable right? In an interview your greatest weakness seems like such a trick question because how can you detail a weakness that is both humble and not detremental to getting the job? When it comes to dating, does that question become more or less challenging to answer?

1b. What didn't you like about growing up in the home you did?

 

I think this one is the most important though because it'll reveal the level of functionality the family had and if their perspective is as objective as possible. I was on a date with a woman who said she was never hit, but was yelled at and threatened to be hit with a slipper. When she said that it was enough to scare her into compliance and she had no anger or remorse for her inner child, I had to end the date in a few minutes afterward.

I'll actually add one more tip that is very specific. Try mentioning your feelings during a date and see what happens. Many people respond negatively to the simple expression of your internal state, as if your feelings are: an imposition on them, manipulative and loaded with hidden meaning, something to ignore, or just plain terrifying/uncomfortable. If you are feeling extraordinarily brave you can even ask them about it. I'm not saying rule anyone out straight away based on this, but it could hint at what kind of background they grew up in and might lead to other avenues worthy of exploration.

 

Ah yes, if you can RTR safely with them and they become curious, compassionate, and/or accepting of your honesty that would be a huge indicator of virtue and sanity. If practicing RTR should be saved for important relationships, I think utilizing the methodology on a date could be extremely helpful if you plan on turning this person into a significant other. But as always, the most important RTR is with yourself, so I'd say yeah check in with yourself first and I'm sure your instinct can tell you whether it's even worth it at all with a specific date.

One that I love to ask is: "If you could do anything with yourself, as a profession, regardless of pay, what would it be?" And follow with asking who else they've shared that with. This is one the first girl got stuck on. She said she hadn't told her mom, and her mom wanted her to do the college, masters, etc, etc. route. Oh, but she's supportive when she really knows I'm serious about something! Hence, telling some guy you've known 20 minutes before her...

 

Yeah that's a great question. I've asked it of women and I love most of their answers. I feel pity for one woman I spoke to who was doing some finance homework when what she really wanted to do was something in music, during a music night at the coffee shop where we met. Obviously, though, music is a tough market and if she wants the safe route that's fine too. Not everybody is meant to strive for their inherent desire over whatever their parents want them to study instead, so I'm not gonna judge too hard if what they're currently studying or working at is incongruent with what they really want to be doing. I'm doing what I love now but not getting paid for it much just yet, so I will only have a standard for women that I've fulfilled in myself first.

 

That's a great point Magnum, and I meant to upvote you, sorry for that misclick. Somebody put his rep back up!

 

I feel like in the end, most of it really rests on this fundamental principle. If they have a good relationship with themselves, everything else should be logically sound because it means they're honest with themselves and their beliefs derive from reason and logic as opposed to trauma avoidance like the conspiracy stuff. Totally agree with you. Women who believe more in conspiracies than actualy reforming the human moral state in the present are avoiding considering just that!
 

[Kevin Beal]

Hm...but taking it from Robert's approach, these are the kinds of questions I think you can get answers to in a more implicit, creative kind of way. People are always revealing a lot about themselves in how they present themselves, and I think it just takes some extra listening to guage their level of pride and humility.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong--and it may seem like emotional management--but wouldn't be asked those questions make the other person feel like an interview? I don't know, if a woman asked you these questions this directly, you'd feel comfortable right? In an interview your greatest weakness seems like such a trick question because how can you detail a weakness that is both humble and not detremental to getting the job? When it comes to dating, does that question become more or less challenging to answer?

It's rare that I find myself disagreeing with Rob, but this is one such example.

 

It is an interview.

 

My main point with bringing those up is not even that you should ask those specific questions, but to treat it like an interview. Interviewers don't ask you about what kind of music you listen to, they are (ideally) direct and don't make it their job to manage your comfort.

 

And I'm not saying that you should have a clipboard and questions with a checkbox next to each, asking them in a dry fashion the way a job interview might go. I probably wouldn't ask these questions if I didn't already feel comfortable. Rather I would ask it in a cheeky way, as is my style.

 

If I'm interviewing someone for a job, and they are perfect and there aren't any other applicants with nearly the same qualifications, I still want to know the answers to my interview questions, but I may change my presentation a bit to be more inviting and friendly to help ensure they come work for me and not someone else.

 

Full disclosure: I don't have much experience with this, and maybe it would scare a good woman away, it's possible. I'm not a casanova by any stretch.

[MysterionMuffles]

I see. Sounds really good in theory, guess we all gotta try it out in practice though to verify. Not sure if a good woman would be turned off by those questions, maybe just less likely than a typical woman. If anything, if she's open and honest enough to note that being asked those questions feel weird, hey you got an RTR'er

 

Could you give me an example of asking those questions in your style?

[wdiaz03]

It's rare that I find myself disagreeing with Rob, but this is one such example.

 

It is an interview.

 

My main point with bringing those up is not even that you should ask those specific questions, but to treat it like an interview. Interviewers don't ask you about what kind of music you listen to, they are (ideally) direct and don't make it their job to manage your comfort.

 

And I'm not saying that you should have a clipboard and questions with a checkbox next to each, asking them in a dry fashion the way a job interview might go. I probably wouldn't ask these questions if I didn't already feel comfortable. Rather I would ask it in a cheeky way, as is my style.

 

...

 

I couldn't agree more, To clarify to those who can't see beyond the Thread title, it is not meant to be explicit but merely to draw attention to the topic. This is not a police interrogation with the other person attached to a lie detector.

The idea here is to wiggle the questions into the conversation, Most people might not even have an answer to most, the important thing is to look for potential,  for a diamond in the rough, someone who you can share the path to self knowledge with.

 

The best interviews probably don't look like interviews at all because some people can put up an act when they know they are being interviewed, eventually this won't be sustainable but by then you would have wasted valuable time. Therefore the best approach will be to not even make it seem like an interview at all and they will tell you all you need.

 

Kevin, I would also like to see how you would work these questions into your conversation if you don't mind. Thanks.

[Kevin Beal]

Just an idea, what about asking another question and when the answer is really good, telling her so, telling her the next question is worth $1,000 and asking what her greatest weakness is, and then following it up with, "you've still got a couple lifelines; do you want to phone a friend?", winking and giving her a big grin?

 

Something that gets her to answer tough and important questions without raising her guard. Something cheeky and cute. Letting your charm be the fuel for deep conversation.

[MysterionMuffles]

Alright, I see. Even someone with a ton of self knowledge might have a sensitive reaction to big questions for whatever reason, so I can see the value in dressing them up Do You Want to be a Millionaire style.

 

So diaz, how are things with your friend? Have you relayed this info to them?

[wdiaz03]

Alright, I see. Even someone with a ton of self knowledge might have a sensitive reaction to big questions for whatever reason, so I can see the value in dressing them up Do You Want to be a Millionaire style.

 

So diaz, how are things with your friend? Have you relayed this info to them?

 

Not only that but most likely, the other person might not  have any (or little) self knowledge at that time. But they might have the curiosity to pursue it. You want to be inviting and not turn them off with questions that they don't see a purpose for at the time.

 

My friend has been reading the thread and likes the suggestions. Thanks for all the replies I also hope this helps others as well.

[Psychophant]

It might be hard to find 100 important questions but is is way harder to condense them into 12.    In my own experience the average attention span of an extrovert is 25 seconds than they start interrupting you. Most people are extroverts, so acceptance of neurodiversity is important, at least for me.

 

Do they eat large quantities of food, especially unhealthy food?

 

There is no unhealthy food there are only unhealthy amounts of food.

[Kevin Beal]

Most people are extroverts, so acceptance of neurodiversity is important, at least for me.

Google puts the percentage of introverts somewhere between 25-50%, usually closer to 50%. Psychology Today magazine has reported 50%, consistently. And the average transient attention span appears to be around 10 seconds as far as I can tell, while Selective sustained attention spans average at about 10 minutes.

[Psychophant]

Google puts the percentage of introverts somewhere between 25-50%, usually closer to 50%. Psychology Today magazine has reported 50%, consistently. And the average transient attention span appears to be around 10 seconds as far as I can tell, while Selective sustained attention spans average at about 10 minutes.

 

That means 30% is realistic. Yeah, impatience is a choice. You cannot change your brain chemistry, even if you like chatting with chatty forehead, therefore extroverted is a misnomer if it refers to behaviour instead of state of mind. You can be outgoing and chatty while being introverted but you cannot be extroverted, cuz that would mean to recharge while socializing.