Being the only FDR listener in your family

[insurr3ct1on]

For the past 10 months I've been an FDR listener, much heavier the past 6 or 7 though. Over the course of those 10 months I've been kicked out of my house for the most recent 5 because of my dad. If my mom had any say, I wouldn't have been. I've been kicked out many times before this but never for so long. It's been happening since I was 16; I'm now 23. At first it'd just be for a night. Once I became 18, it'd be for a few nights. Then a week, a couple weeks; I would sneak around the house with help from my mom. After the age of 20, it's happened less frequently, I think 4 times; the first time a couple months, second a few days, third about a week and a half, and most recently the 5 months. This all wouldn't be a big deal to me if I at least had a car to sleep in and a valid license, had a job, and didn't have a warrant out for my arrest (court system bullshit), but that's not the case. I have nothing and my dad has web/surveillance cameras in the new house I finally got to see the inside of only a few days ago. When it first started happening, I would just be able to come back after the next day or few. Then once they got up to a week, I would apologize and kiss his ass. This last time, I have tried to talk to him only twice from catching him off guard because his direct line to his office allows it, but I can't get him to really work stuff out this time around. He just won't talk to me face to face. He thinks I'm old enough to be on my own and thinks I should struggle to make my way. From as young as I can remember, I've always had temper problems. I've learned that it's not completely my fault. I eventually learned to pick my battles with my father and shrug shit off. I also have depression (self-diagnosed), had it since about 9 and started using cannabis frequently, as in just about daily at the age of 15. The reasons I've been kicked out were at first because of my temper, then it was from sneaking friends in to sleepover because he wouldn't allow them over at all. Then quite a few times from getting caught smoking in the house. Took me a while before I quit smoking in the house and did it outside. But there were also times where he was being an absolutely unreasonable asshole and I would lose my cool. This last time was because he came back from a week and a half trip to visit family, and was pissed to see my Xbox and TV downstairs when he came home and immediately assumed I had friends over the whole time (which I did). It was really late and I was already pissed off and tired because my sister and I got into a big physical fight and broke my Xbox purposely. I said no, I would do it in the morning and he said, fine, happy borthday, you don't have a place to live in once we move into the new house (move day was my birthday. I lost my cool and started arguing with him, which lead me to punch him in the face. He called the cops, I lied and said I didn't because there was no evidence I had done so and my mom and my sister didn't witness it. I got kicked out the next day. I left a nasty message a few days later and it made things much worse. My dad knew my mom would always help me and be stuck in the middle and he made her promise to not do so this time around whatsoever. She still did but it had to be much less apparent she was. Anyways, I've learned a lot but it's extremely difficult to pass it along to my mom and my sister with my own words, and without them watching all of what I have, which is like a weeks worth of video. I was supposed to have sat down and talked to my dad the past few days, but it keeps getting put off because he works a lot more than he usually does lately and haven't been able to catch him at the right time and in the right mbut. I want to force the issue, and my mom has told him to just do it, but he isn't happy that she has also kind of forced it. The last time I talked to him, he said to wait a couple weeks and we'd discuss it further. It's been almost 2.5 months. My family is extremely dysfunctional and I just want us to stop being so and become closer. My mom says I'm living in the past from me pointing stuff out that she can't truly understand. I want us all to move forward and be FDR listeners, but if when I talk to my dad and he says I can't come back home, I will have to go to a homeless shelter because I don't have any friends or family that are in the position or willing to help me out any further than they have. Personally, I'd rather die than struggle to survive, possibly make it on my feet, and live knowing my father forced it on me and my sister and mom just dealing with it and not making one last extreme and final stand against his authoritarian, control freak, bullshit. If anyone has any advice on how I can make this work, it'd be greatly appreciated. I'm sorry for how long this is.