lbnuke Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Hi Everyone. I've been noticing, lately, a trend for me to begin lecturing people in conversations, and the trend is beginning to annoy me. I find that I lecture rather than converse in interactions with people. Does anyone have tips and/or methods to pull yourself out of a lecturing approach into a more curios approach wherein the conversation sounds more like progress along a path rather than a volley back and forth? Most of my conversations wind up sounding like a volley match, rather than a true interest in the other person or people in the conversation. I can think of a few: Change to asking questions, rather than making statements. If I do make statements, ask the other person's or people's opinions about the statement. Ask what the other parties' experience has been about a certain topic or discussion point. ??? Perhaps this is due to my tendency to want to get my opinion in, and get it in quickly in conversations as I feel my turn to speak as a kid either never happened, or I was steam rolled by two members of my family prior to getting my opinion out and discussed. My father and sister are both lawyers, myself an engineer, and my mom an accountant. I feel, not really verified at this point, that if I don't get my opinion in when I disagree with something, that there will be less time or no time for it later in the conversation. I know this is likely an irrational conclusion about the relationships I currently have, but I am very interested in improving my conversation, debate, and interpersonal skills with people and see this as a way in which I can improve. 1
DaVinci Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 I think your first suggestion is the best. Ask questions. It works both for discussing a subject, and for showing interest in someone else, don't you think?
shirgall Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 The easiest way to stop lecturing is to start asking more questions. I'm hardly an expert on the Socratic Method, for example, but that ensures far more engagement from your conversation partner.
lbnuke Posted September 9, 2014 Author Posted September 9, 2014 I think reading Plato's Republic, which I started, but never finished, would aid in the Socratic dialogue quite a bit. The book was stolen from me about a year ago and I haven't purchased another copy yet, but have been meaning to. Also, to add to my original post, I think that I like people to hear what I know and to tell them that I know things. I do consider myself to be quite knowledgeable about some things, specifically at work, but not in other areas.
JamesP Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 What is it like to be on the receiving end of a lecture?
Pepin Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Is this lecture in the sense of what parents do? Or is it more that you give long explanations? Are you interested in what the other person's thoughts and beliefs are? If you aren't, or care more about getting across your thoughts and feelings, that is completely fine, just realize that you are faking interest in them to expouse your own ideas. If you think you are interested in them, but keep doing this, then maybe part of you isn't while another part is. When I an in dialog with someone, I often repeat back what they say and ask about implications of their ideas. I want to understand what they are taking about completely and ask questions about what didn't make sense to me, or I say why I agree or disagree based off their point of view. It isn't like "you are wrong because x", rather it is "if I understand you right, (make their argument), but something I don't understand is x because of y, can you help me resolve this?". Who is right our wrong goes out the window, it is just trying to understand what a person is saying, and providing feedback about what you don't understand. It is ok to talk about your own beliefs, but first you have to understand theirs.
QueechoFeecho Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Asking questions is good. Asking questions AND listening to the response is even better.
SamtheSinger Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Is it possible that you have a fear of not occurring as valuable if you don't contribute enough or prove your point? Have you ever felt like you had an agenda in a conversation? I have experienced those things and what I use as a measuring stick to tell if I'm doing that is that the conversation starts to feel like hard work. I have found it to be really enjoyable to just be along for the ride in a conversation sometimes, instead of lining up all my statements and firing them off in sequence, I try to respond in the moment to whatever is being spoken about. I remember this quote often "Those that refuse to listen to shouting will often strain to hear a whisper" You might find that your words will occur as more valuable if you only use the ones you need. Does that make sense?
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