SamtheSinger Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 **I feel it's only fair to warn you that I talk about some really upsetting things in this topic** In the last couple weeks I feel like my whole world has been shattered. I started listening to FDR podcasts about 2 weeks ago and I noticed that I would sometimes get really angry during a show, but then it would disappear and I couldn't tell why I was upset, or what I was upset about. I would re-listen to whole shows and I couldn't find the thing that I got triggered by. I heard Stefan asking people about their childhood, and I thought it was kind of odd that I didn't really remember much about my own childhood. The more I looked, the more I realized that I was drawing blanks. Then I heard him ask someone something like "When you were young, did people delight in your presence?" and I spent almost an hour with "NO" on my lips. Like I couldn't say anything else, and every time it came out it just got louder. I was in the car screaming "NO NO NO!" feeling like I was crazy. I started journaling and that got intense. It was like someone else was writing for me, like there's voices in my head, which if I'm honest, makes me feel like a crazy person. I kept trying to remember what happened to me as a child. I knew that I was spanked because I remembered my parents talking about how they decided to stop hitting my brother and me, but I couldn't remember the spanking. Then I remembered the belt. I remembered being hit with the metal end of the belt and how much it hurt, and as I was writing that down something in my head was screaming "That's a lie!" and then I wrote so big it took up half the page "IT's NOT A LIE!" All these memories started coming to me in bits and pieces, but I still feel like there's so much I can't see. "Why can't I remember?" I wrote, then I filled a page with "It's not safe! You'll get angry!" over and over and over again. Well I'm already f@@@@@ng angry! I tried to write about my dad, and I drew a blank. I can't figure out who's telling me, but someone in my head keeps telling me that it's not safe. I can't seem to stay angry with him. I've remembered some things about him that are awful, and I've written some really angry statements about him, but they hold almost no weight for me now. It's like I don't remember writing them, or how I felt at the time. I called my older sister and asked her if she remembered anything about my childhood that could help me shed some light on this, and she told me horrifying stories about how he used to beat me so hard you could see the hand prints on me for days. How he used to scream at me "Don't you bloody move!" (which explains why I'm completely paralyzed in the face of physical violence). She told me of the sexual abuse that happened, and it brought back so many memories of people abusing me as I grew up. If you had asked me 3 weeks ago, "What's your dad like?" I would have told you about what a wonderful kind man he was, and how much I loved him, and hoped I could be as good as he is. Now I feel like that has been shattered and he's been exposed as the monster he truly is, and I don't want that to be true! I wan't my big huggable dad back! I realized today that I'm grieving the loss of that man as if he had died. He can never be the same, and I don't know if there's anything he could do that would have me feel safe around him, or love him again. It's a similar story with my mom, but I feel like I knew she was a mess, and I've just found more evidence. It's still upsetting, but it's not the jaw dropping shock that finding out about my dad has been. I feel awful, and I don't know how to just get through a day without falling apart all over everybody. I have found a therapist, but I can't get in to see her for over a week, and that feels like it may as well be years from now! I've been falling apart all over my wife every night, and she has been incredible, but it's definitely wearing on our relationship. I don't think it's fair to dump this on her, but I feel like I've opened up a flood gate and I don't know how to close it. How do I make it through the next couple weeks?!? 2
cobra2411 Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Wow... I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through all that as a child. I had a similar awakening, though not as dramatic, and I can relate that you feel like you're going crazy. I found a good therapist that really helped, but it hurt for a while. Still does a bit if I think too hard about it. Given what you're going though, I would limit your dealings with your parents till you get a better handle on things. Just be vague if you have to and tell them you just have some personal stuff you need to work through. It'll take some time, but it will get better. Thanks for having the courage to share your story, I'm sure others who are farther along will chime in.
surfingthoughts Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Sam I am sorry to hear what has happened to you I really am, no one deserves to go through what you have been through. When reading your post I was really hoping that you would seek therapy and I am glad you are, it shows you have allot of strength. Until therapy starts I suggest continuing with journaling but instead of trying to explore the past even further write about and explore your emotions to what you have already found before digging deeper. Write about your day what happened that was good what happened that was bad how did you feel about x how did you feel about z, how did you deal with x why did you deal with it in that way. Ask your partner for feedback in communications with her as long as the conversation isn't always one way and you don't forget her needs for voicing what is important to her a couple of weeks shouldn't be an overburden in my view if she cares about you. It will be hard and I know right now your thinking what do I do until therapy starts but please don't expect it to be a quick fix, it is a long journey. This is coming from someone who has just started therapy and is already feeling the benefits but knows there is a long road ahead. Know that you are on the right path and good luck to you and keep us up to date.
SamtheSinger Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 That helps a lot surfingthoughts. I was kind of torn about the journaling because it does provide some relief, but often stirs up further upset. I'm glad to have a kind of structure to bring to it. Thank you!
znaught Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Sam, As someone who has been through similar childhood experiences and adult awakeneing, I think you should be aware that you are very strong. It has taken a lot of strength for you to come this far, and you have to give yourself credit for that. It takes strength to know that we need help and to be able to ask for it. Thank you for sharing your story. I have been helped enormously by FDR members who have shared.
cobra2411 Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Thank you for sharing your story. I have been helped enormously by FDR members who have shared. Yes. I know when I started my process of awakening it helped immensely to know I wasn't alone and that others had gone through what I was going though. "I started journaling and that got intense. It was like someone else was writing for me, like there's voices in my head, which if I'm honest, makes me feel like a crazy person." That's your sub-conscience coming out without your conscience mind filtering it. When you grow up in a shitty situation your mind finds ways to protect yourself and repressing events is one of them. Once you uncork those plugs you usually can't stop it from coming out. I remember when I uncorked a pretty large plug and I was a babbling, sobbing mess just blurting out all kinds of things that I had buried inside. I physically ached when I was done. It comes out, you process it, it feels foreign and alien - like it's not your life, then you integrate it into your life, get pissed off, deal with it and move onto the next one. It takes time and for a while you don't know who you are and there is great dissonance between the life you lived and the life you thought you lived. It gets better though.
SamtheSinger Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 Znaught, thank you. That's hard to let in, but I feel like at least part of me knows it's true. Cobra, oh my god the flood gates! I feel like I've cracked a dam and I'm totally overwhelmed with trying to stop the flood! I've been word vomiting all over several people recently, like I just can't help myself. I do feel like it's getting better though, especially when people are willing to listen to me and be compassionate. Today it feels easier to keep it together when I'm out in public. I had to go sing on the radio this morning, and I was terrified that I would crack up into an apologetic blubbering mess live on the air! I made it though, I was able to just relax and be natural with the host and talk, and that felt like huge achievement :-) Thank you to you all for being so supportive! You're helping me in a big way! Cobra, Did you ever feel like there were other people in your head? This sounds crazy, but I feel like there's a little boy who's looking over my shoulder. He seems really timid, kind of swaying back and forth, peeking out from the shadows, and he runs away at the drop of a hat. Like if I try to pay attention to him, he goes. I feel a really strong protective feeling about him, like it moves me really deeply. I'm crying just talking about it, like I would take a bullet for him. I feel like I know that he's a part of me, but he feels like someone else. I feel like this sounds crazy, like multiple personalities or something, does that sound as crazy to anyone else? Is this common?
znaught Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Sam, I don't think that sounds crazy at all. I think if it was a schizophrenic thing, you probably wouldn't be aware of it. I would guess that, since you're aware of it, that it is a genuine part of who you are. I think we all have different voices inside us, some of which conflict with us and each other. I don't know what that part of you represents, but the first thought that came to my mind when I read about it was that it is empathy for the child that you were. I think I had something similar. I can tell you that when I was a child, I wasn't allowed to empathasize with myself, so that's what I think of when you say he runs away. When I start to empathasize with my past now, or when I feel anger over what was taken from me, I begin to hear parental voices telling me things like, "You didn't have it that bad. It's time to move on. I had it bad when i was a child. etc." I really think that all of those voices we have inside of us are tools that we use to make sense of the world.
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