son272 Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 Can anyone elaborate on this statement I've heard from Stef a couple times? I can't find the relevant podcasts. I just discovered some of my mother's notes about me as a child, including her references to my behaving like her abusive mother. I'd like to dig deeper but don't know where to start.
AlesD Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 If I remember correctly this was about the time when the parents become old and are in a way dependent on you. Then you have the power in the relationship and the roles switch. Old people sometimes make strange decisions forget things and so on and then you are in the role of dealing which is similar to raising children. I also don't remember the podcast that this was mentioned in. If anybody thinks i'm wrong please correct.
son272 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Posted September 12, 2014 If I remember correctly this was about the time when the parents become old and are in a way dependent on you. Then you have the power in the relationship and the roles switch. Old people sometimes make strange decisions forget things and so on and then you are in the role of dealing which is similar to raising children. I also don't remember the podcast that this was mentioned in. If anybody thinks i'm wrong please correct. Thanks for the response! I'm looking for a different explanation, though. More than once he has talked about the tendency to foster/create, in one's children, the difficult behaviors/situations handed down by one's parents. i.e; your mom treats you in this negative way, and then you find your child treating you in the same way. I'm just looking for more references to this hypothesis. 1 1
Wuzzums Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 Thanks for the response! I'm looking for a different explanation, though. More than once he has talked about the tendency to foster/create, in one's children, the difficult behaviors/situations handed down by one's parents. i.e; your mom treats you in this negative way, and then you find your child treating you in the same way. I'm just looking for more references to this hypothesis. I think it was in the context of a narcissistic parent. If you're raised by a narcissistic parent you don't really exist, your worth is only acknowledged if you're of tangible value to the parent (like they can brag to their peers how much better their offspring is than theirs, or the child is made to do unpaid work, or is used as an emotional cushion, and so on). You then grow up with a desire to be seen and/or hatred towards people like your parents. Then comes the child. The child is very dependent on the parent. The child asserts their needs as superior to the parent (like crying when they're hungry) and doesn't take the needs of the parent into account. This happens only early on of course and it's not selfishness just survival. It's not as if an infant/toddler can forage for food by themselves. You'll see this "neediness" of the child as a direct reflection of your parent's neediness. It brings back memories of being seen more as a piece of furniture or the like and less as a person with needs and wants. You'll thus feel attacked by the child's needs and feel the need to retaliate. You'll take out on the child the rage you had as a kid for your parents. 1
Bouncelot Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 In my case, I raised my parents (and my sister) from about the age of 12. It is when I discovered/realized that i was not only bigger and stronger then my dad(I matured young). I was also wiser, more mature, and smarter then my parents. They were barely functional as adults, my dad being an alcoholic, and my mom with her own issues. I had to teach them how to handle their finances. I had to make sure my sister was up and ready for school, lunch packed. I had to makes sure my parents were up and ready for work. I had to make sure they remembered to pay the bills, etc.... Essentially it was like having two ~35-40yo teenage kids who you could not reason with, who had control of all the home finances, had their own cars, etc.... In essence it is abandonment.... only you are too young to realize it.... and too young to be on your own... So you make it "work" for the sake of your own sanity and survival.... At least for me this is what I mean when I tell people that I raised my parents....
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