What was it like to De-Foo?

[SamtheSinger]

I recently started remembering a lot of childhood abuse that I had completely blacked out, and I'm considering de-fooing, but there is so much coming up for me around it. I feel like the people I used to know as my parents (my dad especially) have been killed. Like they can never be the people I thought they were, and I'm in mourning over that. I miss my dad so badly!

 

On the other hand, I feel like the people who killed them are my same parents! I don't even know how to be angry at my dad for killing my dad, or how to wrap my head around that.

 

I want to confront them, but I'm terrified, yet I feel like it needs to be done. I've found a therapist, and I plan on working through this, but I'm really struggling with this longing to run to my parents for comfort, and the utter despite I feel toward them both.

 

Have any of you been through this?

[Culain]

Almost all of us has been through this; for some, have managed to strengthen their relationship with their family and for others they've realized that there is no connection left. It's natural and in our genes to seek comfort from our previous care givers, but now as adults we have a choice to weigh and act on the cost of delusion vs honesty.

 

If you have 'heart-felt' talk with your parents and be as honest about your feelings as possible (I feel that) then you won't have any regrets. The longer you avoid being direct open and honest the more regrets you'll foster.

 

 

[SamtheSinger]

Thanks for the understanding, it's not a good thing that so many people have been through this type of thing, but for some reason, just knowing that I'm not the only one really helps.

 

I have a lot of noise in my head about confronting my parents. I don't remember everything that happened, and a lot of it is fuzzy at best, also I'm having some serious trouble staying angry at my dad. The feeling just dissolves, and I'm pretty sure I'm bottling it up. In my journals when I ask myself about it I keep writing "It's not safe" over and over again, so I feel like I should get in touch with my feelings and memories before I launch into the conversation.

 

Also, I have this intense fear of them not caring enough to stay in the conversation, and I'm trying to determine if that's because I already know that they wont, of if I'm just aware of how vulnerable I'll be.

 

Did you struggle with any of these questions?

[QueechoFeecho]

If you start this conversation with your dad, saying something like "I remember you did <insert a particular abuse here> when I was seven years old" then you are likely to be told that you're lying, making it up, or simply are misremembering.  So figure out how you'd handle that.

[SamtheSinger]

I've been thinking about that type of thing happening a lot. I don't really have a good answer for how to handle it. In my head I run the scenario different ways, but I seem to always come back to some kind of ultimatum where I say "If you want a relationship with me, then you have to admit, apologize, confess, etc.

 

I feel like I should set them up for the call, because I assume that if I spring it on them they are more likely to be defensive, but I wonder if I'm just trying to defend them. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.

 

Has anyone here ever had this conversation go well? 

[_LiveFree_]

I've been thinking about that type of thing happening a lot. I don't really have a good answer for how to handle it. In my head I run the scenario different ways, but I seem to always come back to some kind of ultimatum where I say "If you want a relationship with me, then you have to admit, apologize, confess, etc.

 

I feel like I should set them up for the call, because I assume that if I spring it on them they are more likely to be defensive, but I wonder if I'm just trying to defend them. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.

 

Has anyone here ever had this conversation go well? 

 

With my dad it was awful. With my mom it went as well as it could. I still broke off communication with her because there were little things she would do that would trigger me and I wanted to really focus on getting healthy. 

 

You know, it's actually very simple. Just be completely open, honest, and vulnerable and see how they respond. How they respond is out of your hands. This conversation is about revealing who they are and how they treat you when you're defenseless. 

 

Stop focusing on what you want the outcome to be and focus on staying vulnerable. 

 

It's scary because it's like standing in front of a shotgun wondering if the trigger is going to get pulled knowing full well that it just might get pulled. And when it does, there isn't anything you can do to defend yourself. 

 

This conversation is not about your philosophy or your knowledge or your preparation. It's about who they really are. 

[HordOfTheFlies]

Over a month ago I told my mom that I wasn't going to be a part of the family anymore and I haven't heard from her since.  It wasn't very hard to do at the time, but since then I have had times when I've wanted to talk to her again.  It's not so much that I want to talk to her specifically, but to a motherly figure.  When I think of her and my childhood it's easy to dismiss these feelings, though.

 

My father is a slightly different story.  He wasn't very active in my early life and I didn't really get to know him until my late teens.  I've always wanted a relationship with him because I've always wanted a dad.  In the past 5 or so years we have gotten a lot closer and I had been trying the forgiveness route thinking that was the only way.  Since listening to the FDR podcast over the past couple of months I have radically changed my stance on this.  I haven't completely disowned him yet but I feel like it is close.

 

The last time I talked to him I tried to confront him about some truths but was quickly mocked.  I simply raged at him.  I won't talk to him now.  I don't even return his text messages.  And yet, as you said, I miss him.  It's hard to know what to do.  I know it will be on my terms, though.

 

I think seeing a therapist is a great idea.  I went to my first session the other day and it just felt right.  It took me a long time to see it, but everyone needs support.  Luckily humans are adaptable enough to receive that support outside of their caregivers.  Best of luck.

[SamtheSinger]

That really helps Nathan, I can see that I'm trying to control the outcome. It's pretty scary to just let go. I'm learning to notice how much I control people, and it's all over my relationships.

 

I'm a little terrified to just let them be however they're gonna be, but I can get that however it goes, I think I'll get more closure out of it.

 

Thank you.

[QueechoFeecho]

You can't control the outcome, only your own actions as you respond to the actions of others.

 

This isn't just a fact of De-FOOing either.  It's universal.  I can't make the cashier at the grocery store be nice.  I can only decide to choose another checkout aisle next time.  i can't make a girl treat me with respect.  I can only discontinue dating.  I can't make a manipulative coworker change; I can only choose to not engage, to engage or to use it against them. 

 

I control me.  That is all.

[SamtheSinger]

Thank you all for your input. I really appreciate the support! 

 

This all feels so alien to me, three weeks ago I didn't even remember any of this, and it seems like everyday I discover another reason to shudder. I think I should wait to have this conversation until I at least understand how I feel about this.