Please help me!

[Stoic_Dreamer]

I am having a difficult time calming myself- I lack any real capacity for self-soothing but I am usually able to stay level headed and relatively calm in most situations.  Today my brain is on fire, my heart is racing, and it feels like my blood is literally boiling. The situation:    For the past few months my friend Paul and I have been having “Novelty Nights” once a week or once every other week where we will find some random oddity to gawk at.  Last week we went to “The Book of Mormon” play and the week before that it was a light-bondage club.  This week’s choice was a late night Ghetto Gospel service.  We drove up to Northside- the ‘bad’ part of town and found decent seats.  The first part of the service was relatively standard but with a whole bunch of singing and yelling out random things.     Then everything went to shit quickly.  The pastor/reverend/whatever started screaming about being warriors of God, strapping on your spiritual armor and grabbing the sword of truth.  It went something like: “Our war is against the rulers, against the principalities, against the authorities, against the world powers of darkness, and spiritual wickedness in high places.”  Of course I yelled “Preach it brother” to that.  I’m well versed in the bible [but no longer Christian] and that passage actually refers not to literal entities but since the pastor/reverend/whatever misquoted it I thought maybe I was going to have a Reverend Wright type speech to enjoy (God damn America! It’s in the Bible!).https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ct5vg6byNkAhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnlRrxXv-v8     However this was sadly not the case.  He continued with, “Did you know that in some places it isn’t even legal to hit your own child with a switch?!?  The Bible says spare the rod, spoil the child.  And you wonder why this world is such an evil place!?!  You need to strike the sin out of them!  We now have a generation of spoiled children, and a country going straight to hell!”            At this point I probably should have kept my mouth shut, but my nerves were exploding and too much adrenaline was pumping through my veins.  All I could see was a white searing light in my eyes.  I stood up and yelled, “Knock it off!”.  Everything went into shocked silence and I started yelling a torrential mixture of statistics, morality, and theology at them.  The three that I can remember are:  “Your society is violent and tearing itself apart because you teach might makes right.”  “Over 70 percent of drug addicts were hit as children. Children are 30 percent more likely to be violent and sexually promiscuous as a result of ‘physical discipline’” “The rod is a symbol of just authority and righteous guidance.  To spare the rod is to not teach your children the difference between right and wrong as God’s shepherd you fucking heathens! ‘Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil.  For you are with me- your rod and your staff, they comfort me.’…  Unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven!”             At this point Paul had the common sense to wrap his arm around my chest and start dragging me out of the church.  The shock of my outburst started to wear off and the congregation was yelling stuff back at me.  Paul shoved me in his car and whipped out of the parking lot.       That was last night (Saturday) and I haven’t been able to sleep at all since then.  Every muscle is contracting and my chest is heaving.  The last time I felt like this was when I publicly confronted one of the lawyers who wrote the Patriot Act in front of like 300 people.  That last time it took two weeks to calm down and I shattered a tooth from clenching my jaw too tightly.  I can give a history lecture to 200 people without batting an eye.  I can confront parents individually and maybe a half dozen people calmly without losing my head but anything over 25 people brings out this horrible darkness in me.              I don’t want to be built like this!  I’ve taken 3 prescription level sedatives and I’m still filled with this disgusting white-hot rage.  I’ve spent the last few hours crying, calling my therapist, and trying to distract myself.   Some background information about me might be useful: I score a 7 on the A.C.E. (Adverse Childhood Experiences) scale.  Growing up my parents hit me regularly- about once or twice a week.  In early childhood I was regularly assaulted at school until puberty at age 10 when I became 2-3 times the size of the other boys and sadly started hitting back. When I was 12 I got my girlfriend pregnant and the child died shortly after a premature birth.  I also witnessed my first murder when I was 12.  All of this horribleness largely contributed to my relatively nihilistic outlook on life.  When I was 19 I was kidnapped, chained up, and tortured for two weeks by drug dealers (beaten, electric shock, several finger/toe nails pulled out, burned, stuck with needles they told me were infected with AIDs and other blood diseases [thankfully not], and also severe sleep deprivation to name a few).  I won’t go into my entire history here but suffice to say, it sucks more than the average.  I come from a long line of Hamrammr men.  My great-grandfather makes Ted Bundy look like Ghandi.  I am the second man within my family to not go off to war or kill anyone in over 1,200 years.  Several of my family members and I have been genetically tested and we all carry a mutated MAO-A gene that has been associated with anti-social behavior, and our testosterone levels are really high.  I think most of the evil in my family has come from abuse and trauma but there might be a small genetic component to it as well.   Since I found FDR five years ago I have been trying to live a decent life and be a good man.  I work twice a week with a PTSD/trauma specialist and a therapist.  I also do acupuncture which really seems to help.  Tomorrow I am doing an emergency meeting with all three to try to firefight this crisis mode I’m in.   I fully realize that amateurs are not going to be able to help me with the level of fucked in the head I am, but I’m kinda desperate at the moment for something, anything that will bring me back down to normal.  So please, feedback/advice is appreciated.  I've tried watching comedy, listening to soft music, taking sedatives, crying, working out, smoking a cigarette, having sex, and a bunch of other stuff but none of it seems to be helping. The past five years have been a dream, whereas the first part of my life was more like a waking nightmare.  It has been difficult for me to adjust and heal, I lost/gave away everything to be where I am at, but I wouldn’t return even if I could.  I’ve grown to love and care deeply for the people in my life.  I entered into psychology so that I could help people who are suffering and I mentor youths that are caught up in gang activity.  I’m hyper-sensitive to violence and I cry a lot, but that only occasionally causes problems.  I’ve only been triggered a couple of times over the past five years, mostly from people harming a woman or a child in front of me.  I grabbed/lifted up a man who backhanded his girlfriend at a party four years ago but put him down back down on the ground when I realized what I was doing.  I just haven’t had to deal with anything like this.  I hate that some douchebag preacher can have this sort of effect upon me.  I wish I was a normal person…   I’m sorry this has been so long of a post but I needed to get all that off my chest so to speak and the two friends I normally talk to are out of the country. I despise my family (except my little sister).  My specialist and therapist are both gone until tomorrow.  This community is the only place to really turn to… thank you for your time.  The dedication of this community to helping people is wonderful and I appreciate all of you.Nick

[Anuojat]

I often too feel such anger and i think its healthy to be angry at injustice and ignorance.

 

Whether or nto it was useful or productive i do not know, but i symphatice. That 7 sound very harsh :S and youre right to be outraged at such thigns being talked about while the pain is being inflicted on other as it was to you.

 

As for help i cannot say anythign else other than you might want to keep on with therapy but also remain honest with your feelings.

 

These people and especially the priest is totally ignorant on the issue and religious as it is... such denouncements usually are froim people whom really think it would be GOOD.

So it is sad and pitiful that those whom atleast in some level "care" are misled in issues and totally beilieve EVIL to be the good.

 

Maybe stay away from such places if you feel OVERWHELMING sense of anger all the time? Otherweise i think tis healthy to be angry at injustice and evil, jsut know those people more than likely do not actively think spanking and hitting (same) is bad. Thus action like this might be waking call to some, though yelling to strangers rarely evokes reasona dn evidence. Rather it evokes condemnation.

[Tyler Durden]

Your childhood sounds truly disturbing, congratulations to you for surviving that.

 

As for the issue at hand. I think the problem arises from a slight misunderstanding of what it means to heal yourself.

 

You talk about going to a light-bondage club and a church in the bad part of town and you call it "novelty nights". So you basically go and watch traumatized people act out their dysfunction and you label it as entertainment.

 

You also say "I hate it that some douchebag preacher can have this sort of effect upon me. I wish I was a normal person..." which to me signals that you think being fully healed means that you can expose yourself to all kinds of crazy and just be like "oh this person is crazy, it doesn't faze me".

 

But that's not the case. In fact, your reaction to that douchebag preacher was pretty damn normal. What was not normal was the decision to go there and the ignoring of all the red flags, from the "bad part of town" red flag to the "this is a church" red flag to the "yelling out random things" red flag. You probably ignored several red flags every minute since the "service" began. Until finally the guy just rolled out the biggest red flag he could find and everyone pulled their own red flags out from under their seats and started waving them at you. And only then did you wake up.

 

So instead of trying to find a way to calm yourself down, be thankful to your unconscious for its healthy, though somewhat late, response.

 

And change your "novelty nights" to something healthy. Go play squash or something.

[Stoic_Dreamer]

Tyler, that's actually an incredibly helpful way of looking at the situation.  It makes sense that those things would be problematic for me.  It just seems like everyone and their mother enjoys these things- from reading 50 shades of grey to going to church.  I've lived outside of society for so long that everything people do looks odd/disturbing to me, so in effect nothing looks odd/disturbing to me.   I think maybe I should revisit my friendship with Paul.  My contribution to our nights was the book of mormon and exploring the caves/storm drains in town, something I've done since I was a little kid.  I enjoyed those things.  I really didn't enjoy the church thing and the bondage thing is probably not the best thing to bring a torture victim to.  I think Paul might be an asshole. thank you for your help

[st434u]

I can't even pretend to know what it's like to be tortured. I don't know if I could survive something like that. I was so horrified reading your story, that it took me a week to be able to come back to this thread and post this.

 

You are a very brave man. And your bravery was evidenced also when you stood up in front of that preacher and the crowd of zombies and told it like it is. Like your friend realized, it might not have been safe for you to do it, but it was certainly a very good thing to do. Those people's lives will forever be affected by that experience, and even if they don't change their wicked ways, they will never forget you. Especially the children, if there were any around. You can take comfort in that.

 

That doesn't mean you should look for these situations in order to stir things up, but you should be proud about what you did. You should also be proud about your ability and determination to turn your life around even after experiencing such utterly horrific things, and being raised to become a monster which you refused to be.

[madman]

     At this point I probably should have kept my mouth shut, but my nerves were exploding and too much adrenaline was pumping through my veins.  All I could see was a white searing light in my eyes.  I stood up and yelled, “Knock it off!”.  Everything went into shocked silence and I started yelling a torrential mixture of statistics, morality, and theology at them.     I don’t want to be built like this!  I’ve taken 3 prescription level sedatives and I’m still filled with this disgusting white-hot rage. 

 

hey Nick. "i don't want to be built like this". me either. i keep telling myself i don't want to be that guy. murderous rage has been a problem for me for longer than i can remember. i didn't know what it was until i started journaling. i kept writing the only emotion i have is anger. it's the only one i could identify and feel. then i found out it was murderous rage. murderous rage. before i started journaling i knew i had an anger problem. i thought rage and anger were the same thing. i'm learning different from steph's podcasts. as i understand it anger is here to help us. rage is not. anger predicates change. acting on rage is where i screw up. i get antisocial quick. in the blink of an eye. my neck hurts writing this. like someone's squeezing it right below my skull. my therapist said i can black out without drinking. i don't know if i have or not. i know that when i snap in my car i have no fear of death. none whatsoever. it's the furthest from my mind. i'll get all excited and say you wanna dance, LET'S DANCE! and off i go. i remember years ago looking up at my boss(he was a foot taller than me) and poking him in the chest while i was givin him hell. i was an adrenaline junky and a relationship addict and a drug addict. now i'm having trouble with food. i've lived in my head all of my life. i've terrorized myself with fantasy for as long as i can remember. trauma and rage and addiction has driven my whole adult life. sorry if this is too long or rambly but i thought it pertinent to give you some backstory. i've abused myself in various ways all my adult life. i woke up in jail and had no idea how i got there. i caught a case for fighting with 5 kids. i caught another case for brandishing a firearm. what a mess. it's all self abuse and it was all caused by my rage. i know enough about myself to know that there's times i'm not fit to leave the house. so i don't. it was like that when i recently tried to quit smoking. i was so pissed that i was too pissed to be safe to drive. it was like putting myself on house arrest. i know when i'm crazy i can't drive. i'll road rage and i can't afford to act out. i've only been in a couple of fights in my whole life but if i get in one more i have 5yrs waiting on me so i can't act out. i have to check myself so i don't get in a spot where i have to check myself. by then it's too late cuz i'm on autopilot. i may as well be having an out of body experience.

so i've been listening to steph and journaling and going to therapy like a maniac cuz my life was an absolute train wreck. when i have no will to live then rage is even more dangerous. if my give a shit's broke then i think i got nothin to lose. i'm tryin to figure out who my inner child is and the only one i can remember is the teenager who hated his parents. hated the world too but really hated his parents and anyone in authority. suits, rents(parents), jocks, pigs(dad was a cop), church(i knew that it was a scam when i was 15), teachers, etc. i was a total nihilist and didn't even know what that was. i just knew that every thing i was told was a lie and the world was crap. so i get some awareness and the one thing that's front and center is rage. i work on all these different things but rage is the thing that most often threatens my life. the more i work the more raw i feel so i know the more succeptable to acting out on rage i become. it really put me in a trick bag. i tell my therapist this is the fire i gotta put out and she fixes me up with some hippy chick doing ART therapy. it's new and it's new to her but if you want to try i'll set you up. so i say ya i'll be your ginea pig. it's not the first time i was the first one to run off a cliff. so i got one session and it actually changed my life. my therapist said it was kin to emdr which i've heard not good things about. maybe i need to research this more. i saw the same therapist recently for a second session of art and i just quizzed her about it instead. so far so good. i don't have a link or anything so if it sounds interesting let me know and i'll find out what i can. she put her hand in front of my face and moved it back and forth. looked super hokey but it's supposed to get the right side and the left side of your brain to get along. my therapist said this will probably work better with men cuz their brains are wired more directly than women's if that makes any sense. i'm not very hip to the left brain right brain discussion. what this huge post is about is that the art probably saved my life. of course i said that before about reikke and massage but i think that was true at the time also(it was years ago). since the art i've been strangely calm. i haven't road raged. that is my litmus test. can i drive and not rage when some fool tries to kill me. i've had people pull out in front of me and come into my lane without warning and i resisted what seems like the instinct to "dance". it really is a split second thing. time slows down like the movie wanted. then i decide if i'm gonna flip this persons car or if i'm gonna simply move out of their way without incident. it's crazy scary to think that i've learned to think like this but it's true. i haven't had to do any of this road raging since the art. it's probably been 3 weeks or so and i've had more than one opportunity to blame someone else and dance accordingly.  

as far as pills go they tell you this is what this will do(it's a sedative) but that doesn't mean that pill will sedate you. there's happy drunks and mean drunks. same sedative. some people get the party started and other people fall out. i've never been wound up for days so i don't know what that's like. when i see that i did something that almost got me killed i normally calm down.

one drink can make your tired but more than that can energize you.

i used to ride my bike like a maniac. i'd do wheelies for miles just to burn off more steam. my friend and i used to do dollar movie nite and see whatever was playing. if it sucked we'd boo till we got kicked out. we asked the concession girl what was the best thing to throw. she said use twizzlers, chew em first so they stick to the screen. i used to go to the bar and rip on the guys that looked like they was doin a saturday nite live skit(we are wild and crazy guys). then i'd go butt dance with them and we'd try not to fall over laughing. i put out such energy that the fight always came to me. i never had to look for it. i had no idea what i was doing. i wouldn't recommend any of these things except something physical like the bike or a speedbag or something. i do recommend the art. that along with all the work i've done really changed me. i've got some peace for the first time in a long time. i wish you the same. you deserve it. thanks for takin the risk and posting what you did. i reckon most people are shell shocked by it. it took guts. hope this helps, gary 

 

ps: i love your avatar. it cracks me up

[Marco]

Both your childhoods was truly a HELL. I was horrified by what you described and I sympathize a lot. I have some thoughts, hopefully they'll help.

 

You talk about going to a light-bondage club and a church in the bad part of town and you call it "novelty nights". So you basically go and watch traumatized people act out their dysfunction and you label it as entertainment.

I couldn't agree more. Madman, you also seem to (used to) seek dangerous situations and especially adrenalin rush.

 

You call your rage "this horrible darkness in me" and "disgusting white-hot rage". Why? I think your rage was thoroughly justified! You are not a bad person for standing up for what is right. You KNOW what hurt you in your childhood, so you know better than anyone just how mindbogglingly evil that preacher was!

 

Have you read the books of Alice Miller? To quote her:

"It is necessary for you to get eventually angry ONLY with your PARENTS and overcome the fear of them." How to get rid of the rage?

"You shouldn't kill your rage, you NEED it as your compass. But you must direct it toward the people who deserve it." We need the rage as a compass

"SCREAM OUT YOUR JUSTIFIED RAGE and THE PAIN OF YOUR WOUNDED SOUL and the pain of your body will leave you." Psychosomatic Symptoms and Working Through the Pain, #2

More about rage

Reading her reader's mail has helped me a LOT!

 

She advised against medications btw, but that is your decision.

 

I once talked with some people about abusive parents and the discussion was cut off short because we were car pooling and it was my destination. I went home with this feeling of deep rage. It grew more and more. I imagined punching my father in his goddamned face over and over again, imagining his bloody face. Once I got home, I put heavy metal on my iPod, took my favorite stuffed animal (representing my inner child) and went into the nearby forest. There I listened to the angry music, sang along and screamed. I imagined punching my parents, making them hurt, paying them back for all that they did to me! Taking revenge for all the abandonment, neglect, manipulation and sadism. I took a large piece of wood and smashed it against the trees, which I imagined to be my parents. I held the stick in one hand, my stuffed animal in the other. I said, “Now I will protect you.”

You don't even need to get triggered to get the emotions. I suppose art can help a lot. For me, it was dreams or they just showed up when I was ready. I always try to listen to my body and my feelings.

I still sometimes feel the rage against my parents. I let it come and try to feel it as much as possible. That helps me tremendously. I felt the rage DIRECTED AT THE PEOPLE WHO HURT ME THE MOST.

[Blackfish64]

I score a 7 on the A.C.E. (Adverse Childhood Experiences) scale, too.  But I do not consider myself f-ed in the head.  At one time I thought I was, but, as things turned, I was wrong. 

 

Dad was a military nut, too.  Always talking about how great the Marine Corps was.  Even as a little one I had the sense to ask him, "If it was so great, Dad, then why did you quit the Marines?"  I got a good smack on the head and the hair on the back of my neck yanked good for that one.  Tyrants really hate good questions that put them on the spot (even though I wasn't trying to put him on the spot.  I just wanted to understand him). 

 

Sounds to me like you don't really need any "help".  I do think however you might want to stay away from certain people if they make you fly into such a state.

 

I once had a lot of problems controlling my anger.  Someone would simply say the wrong thing when I was younger and I would bust his head for him.  These days, even the craziest remarks, accusations, insults, etc., slide right off my back.  It takes a lot of work to get there, but it can be done.  A lot of research and development. 

 

I gave up on therapists and the like long ago.  I keep my attention up and keep learning.  I keep what works and throw out what doesn't work. 

 

Many times, the right thing to do is to simply do nothing.  For example, we could put an end to the State if enough of us would simply stop paying taxes and stop the machine.  I keep earnings low just for that reason.  So I don't have to buy any bullets for the State to fire at me. 

 

Yes, sometimes, a simple, "No, thank you," is all it takes.  I'd keep clear of those speakers if I were you. 

[madman]

"SCREAM OUT YOUR JUSTIFIED RAGE and THE PAIN OF YOUR WOUNDED SOUL and the pain of your body will leave you." Psychosomatic Symptoms and Working Through the Pain, #2

She advised against medications btw, but that is your decision.

 

 Once I got home, I put heavy metal on my iPod, took my favorite stuffed animal (representing my inner child) and went into the nearby forest. There I listened to the angry music, sang along and screamed. I imagined punching my parents, making them hurt, paying them back for all that they did to me! Taking revenge for all the abandonment, neglect, manipulation and sadism. I took a large piece of wood and smashed it against the trees, which I imagined to be my parents. I held the stick in one hand, my stuffed animal in the other. I said, “Now I will protect you.”

You don't even need to get triggered to get the emotions. I suppose art can help a lot. For me, it was dreams or they just showed up when I was ready. I always try to listen to my body and my feelings.

I still sometimes feel the rage against my parents. I let it come and try to feel it as much as possible. That helps me tremendously. I felt the rage DIRECTED AT THE PEOPLE WHO HURT ME THE MOST.

 

 

hey Marco. love alice miller. i'm taking my time reading thou shalt not be aware. just the title makes my hair stand up. for the most part i can't remember my childhood. as i journal some of it comes back in drips and drabs. thanks for including the links. that one about the karate father really touched me. the reason she sez don't take any meds is cuz the body never lies(title of another one of her books) and it's easier to get feedback from your body without the meds.

 

metal on the mp3 is a good idea. i used to dance to some vicious hardcore industrial until i was ready to drop. that helped me blow off some steam but i was at risk of getting in a fight any time i was havin fun at a club. i didn't care then but i care now. my therapist said to lay on the bed and scream and throw a tantrum. i tried it and felt totally retarded. i feel ashamed after i scream. i've been throwing real tantrums and smashing things up since i was a teenager. i always feel ashamed afterwards. i don't wanna be that guy. i don't wanna hurt anybody or anything. i don't wanna wreck my stuff. i've filled notebooks writing about my parents and my childhood and the soul murder and dad stopping just short of killing me. i've screamed (when i was alone and feelin it) until i was dizzy. real primal screams. i feel embarrassed afterwards. i wonder how many neighbors heard it. i've tried punching a heavy bag but it just feels fake. i got so spun up at work one time i lost my vision. i had to sit down on the concrete. i thought i had a stroke.

 

"i felt the rage directed at the people who hurt me the most". i got a lot of junk out in my back yard. maybe next time i'm feelin it i'll try some smash therapy. then i'll check in with my body and see if it did any good. my neck and my back normally give me instant feedback. thanks for the ideas, g

 

[Blackfish64]

I, too am a totally physcially grounded animal.  I learned destruction from Dad.  He would often wreck the house and he has beat Mom nearly to death on many occasion.  On one particular occassion, he killed their eight month old unborn child in a beating.  On another occasion, step-brother's head was ground into a toilet he had forgotten to flush and his teeth and face were smashed into his own feces while he was drowned until unconscious, then dropped on the bathroom floor in a heap, gasping for breath.  While he did beat his biological children, step brother and Mom, by far and away, got the worst of the physical beatings.  We all suffered the same psychological abuse and maltreatment, i.e., the screaming and name-calling, labeling, rejection, etc, with the exception of older sister, who was Dad's pet.       While I have never hit a woman in my life, I have however had my share of scrappers and outright brawls with other boys and men and have destroyed everything I could get my hands on, including my own things.  It's all part of having a life that was shredded to pieces very early on.        When I became a teen and left home, I started immediately learning martial arts and sciences, i.e., human demolition, as I had always desired, and became a master at it on my own terms.  This activity put me on a more even emotional and physical keel.  Challenging oneself and going all the way into it, living it, eating it, breathing it, sleeping it, was, as I have found, the best way to go on about the physical aspect of therapy.  I discovered writing at age eighteen as well.  Most everything I have written up to the early 2000s however has been destroyed.  I saw no reason to keep that stuff around, particularly when I had written in such anger and violence.  I was never one to start it, but if someone wanted trouble, I was more than happy to give them some.  I was pushed around for too long in my life and I wasn't going to take it anymore.  And I didn't.       Violence is good for only one thing: self-protection.  When violence is the answer, unfortunately, nothing else will do.  Thinking angry thoughts and doing angry things only leads to more and more anger and feeds the fuel and the fire.  I find what when I am starting to get angry, it is better to start to go the other way and think calmer thoughts.  That makes the anger go away and helps me to feel better.  Anger is a terrible thing when used in the wrong context.       Another technique I taught myself is to take an emotion, particularly a disturbing one, and lie down with it, close my eyes, and focus 100% of my attention on it.  I ask it what it is trying to tell me.  I ask it what it wants of me.  I ask it what it's doing there.  I let it know that I am here for it, that I will do whatever is necessary so that we can get along and get on with things, get on with life, happily and productively.  I don't scorn it, judge it, or try to make it go away.  I simply give it 100% attention and focus.  As I focus 100% of my attention there, the emotion begins to bounce around at first.  It wants to hide itself from my observation.  It wants to rule me and have free reign over me.  I simply observe.  After that passes, it kind of sits there and does nothing, but it is still strong in me.  After that, it begins to dissipate and eventually fades away entirely.  Sometimes while I am doing this, the real answer to the problem which triggered the negative emotion in the outset appears and my problem is solved.  Sometimes the trigger was simply my own negative reaction to some thing or another and I had only set myself off.       Therapists often tell you that you need to "get in touch with your feelings".  This is sometimes the wrong thing to do.  I was an angry person already.  What good will it do me to get even closer to my anger?  This makes no sense in my final analysis, but for years that's precisely what I did.  So, naturally, I was nothing but angry all the time.  I was told I "had a right to be angry!"  When I started to go in the opposite direction, when I stopped fueling my anger and viciousness, I started to change and things started to get better for me.       I am still that physically grounded person and animal.  There is nothing wrong with that.  I actually enjoy it.  I love my stick walking and my time on the mats with my reaction partners and/or with the operant fighter.  I love being out on the open trails and exploring miles and miles of new roads, preferably dirt roads and trails!  I love chopping wood, planting things in rich, black dirt, and fishing and cleaning and cooking and eating the fish.  I am a savage.  As far as being destructive goes, the reverse has occurred over the years;  where once I smashed only objects over my frustration in not knowing what to do about the people around me who made me angry, I now smash only human beings, and only in self-defense.       The way to stop violence is to simply know when to use violence and when not to use violence and to act accordingly.  The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution and Bill of Rights is explained as a right to use violence in self-protection, whether it is protecting the self from criminals or a community from the State.  I could not agree more.  And there are those who hold there is no such thing as "rights", but that human beings have "properties".  Well, that works, too.  If violence is a property of man, of the individual, then we need to learn to own it, master it, accept it, on our own terms.