Existing Alternatives Posted September 18, 2014 Posted September 18, 2014 A child comes home from school (first grade) all upset because he “said something wrong and kids were laughing at him”. What do you do as a parent? How do you manage it? My old self would have said, “go for the knees”, but we don’t do violence. What is the proper approach?
villagewisdom Posted September 18, 2014 Posted September 18, 2014 OMG that's horrible. 1st grade? My very first thought is hold him, hold him, hold him. He's six. So little and vulnerable. Empathize with that pain. Acknowledge that pain. Comfort him. Comfort him and let him feel that security and understanding you provide. Those are all my first thoughts. You've probably already done that but I just finished reading an article about a 14-year-old that committed suicide at school and the horror of it is still with me. Why didn't his parents know how much pain he was in? Why did he feel so alone that suicide was the only way to stop the pain? Teaching him to deal with the bullies is important but secondary in my opinion to him knowing you will always be there for him to hold him when he hurts. End of rant. So sorry he is having that experience. Please let us know how it goes. Others will need the information. And I will definitely be passing along any nuggets you post.
MysterionMuffles Posted September 18, 2014 Posted September 18, 2014 if you follow in villagewisdom's wisdom that child will develop a deeper bond with you and thus have a massive increase in confidence carrying themselves around in school. They will exude an energy that will ward off would be bullies, and if they do get bullied, they'll know they have a trusted ally to empathize.
dsayers Posted September 18, 2014 Posted September 18, 2014 Why is the child being subjected to such a destructive environment? By "said something wrong," do you mean provide an incorrect answer in class? Has it been explained to the child that making mistakes can be frustrating, but it's what motivates us to seek out the correct answer? He's only able to walk and talk after a long process of mistakes in trying. Has it been modeled for the child that making mistakes is okay? Does the child view his parents as fallible? Does he see his parents following up mistakes with rational correction? Or instead is there rage as if error is truly unacceptable. The acceptance of one's own capacity for error is the foundation of humility. We are powerless to seek the truth until we accept the possibility that we can be wrong. It's not a handicap, it is a strength and it is completely normal. The children doing the laughing have parents that answer these questions incorrectly. They've created aggressors looking to recreate what they see at home by aggressing against others. So the question remains: Why is the child being subjected to such a destructive environment? And remember, folks, this is what anti-home/unschoolers are referring to when they talk about "social skills."
Existing Alternatives Posted September 18, 2014 Author Posted September 18, 2014 Thank you all for responses and support. Just to clarify, this was not a bully-type of situation – everyone thought he said something funny, which apparently he did not, and laughed. Interestingly enough, over the last two years in public school (no more!) he never had any issues with bullying, which I partially attribute to the fact that he has a sturdy safety net at home. We are all out peaceful parents and there is plenty of support and empathy. My question is more along the lines of what’s next. What is he supposed to do, when everyone’s laughing, how to react? Personally, as an adult, I don’t know what to do in such a situation. The point on making mistakes and acknowledging them is well taken and will be worked on. As far as destructive environment is concerned, I don’t think it is quite the case. For that matter, we have specifically selected this school to be as close to freedom ideas as possible. Clearly not as perfect as home schooling, but very well balanced. We are in the process of meeting all the parents and seeing no red flags.
Tyler Durden Posted September 18, 2014 Posted September 18, 2014 I'm not a fan of schools either, in my experience they do nothing but turn people into boring mediocre individuals, so I wouldn't send my kids there. But apart from the whole school issue, here's how you deal with a situation like that: The first thing you do, which should be your default position at all times, is realize that everyone makes mistakes and that making mistakes is the only way to ever become better at anything. You can do a million dumb things, but if you learn from all of them you're not a dumb person. So your feeling of self worth should not be in any way connected to the amount of mistakes you make, only to the way you deal with those mistakes. Which brings us to the second thing you need to do, which is to find out why people laugh. Did you make a mistake? Did you actually say or do something that was incorrect? If you didn't make a mistake you can say: "Yeah, I know it sounds funny. But I'm actually right." If you're not sure if you made a mistake, or if you feel like challenging the others, you can say: "Why is that funny?" "No seriously, why is that funny?" And if you realize that you did in fact make a mistake, and you see what you did wrong, you can say: "Yeah, okay. I know. Laugh it up guys." That's basically it. If you handle it like this, none of these scenarios should be a big deal.
bootoo Posted September 18, 2014 Posted September 18, 2014 would explain it can be funny when someone makes a mistake - and to notice when he has laughed at other people making a mistake, and to try to enjoy it and laugh along
villagewisdom Posted September 19, 2014 Posted September 19, 2014 So the title of this thread indicates that the child was hurt by the behavior of his peers. I believe that is why you got so much feedback about bullies. Is the title of the post what he actually said? If so, he did feel bullied and you need to be honest with yourself about that. Again, I say you need to support your child's emotional experience. I do not see in your statements that you have explored the emotion that he was experiencing. Ask him questions. What were his feelings? Was he feeling isolated? Was he feeling inferior? Was he feeling picked on? What was his experience? Get him to talk about the feelings. What were they like? Was there anxiety? Did he experience fear? etc. etc. etc. I believe you need more information but not from us. You need more information from your son. You simply cannot address or advise him if you do not fully understand his experience. It is his experience that he needs to respond to -- not the actions of the others. There is nothing he can do about the actions of others. He can only learn to address his own issues and build security within himself through your support and guidance. You can tell him to act this way or that way. Do this or do that. But the real issue is why was he hurt by what they did? What is he missing in his own security about himself? About who he is? Please keep us posted on your/his progress.
Existing Alternatives Posted September 19, 2014 Author Posted September 19, 2014 His main feeling was about being unjust: Everybody heard something he did not say. Nobody laughs at him at home, so it was a new experience. He was not hurt or anxious or fearful. I think I understand his feelings as we did talked quite a bit about it. Although, I will delve more into the experience, as you suggest. My concern now is the next step: what to do if this happens again...
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