Freedom from Workplace Bullying. Finally.

[Three]

I think what's left me the most contemplative after my first day at the new job were the lectures on workplace abuse.

 

It started with a video of two men sexually harassing a woman.  At first, this left me a bit annoyed. I wasn't annoyed because I don't sympathize with sexual harassment victims, especially having been one myself. I was annoyed because I feared that this would be the main type of abuse that would be focused on. There are so many less obvious forms of abuse, such as ambient abuse, that can be just as destructive simply because they are so difficult to identify and consequently, difficult to take action against.

This is important to me because I've been on the receiving end of this kind of cruelty. It has left me with occasional nightmares and insomnia. I also have had numerous jobs which have shown similar instructional videos and espoused "open door policies", but when it came to taking action on those ideals, nobody stuck to their word. The only thing those videos, from my perspective, were good at in the past were prohibiting men from sexually harassing women, and excusing everything else. For instance, at my old job, my last general manager  urged that I inform her about any inappropriate behavior on the part of an evening assistant manager. Her reason was because, “He’s gotten so many customer complaints and even a sexual harassment complaint against him.”


Shortly after this, I started regularly working a morning shift with an incredibly narcissistic woman who was around the age of 24. The majority of her sentences had something to do with her. “I should have gotten something besides an English degree!”(notice how she can complain and brag at the same time.) She would also play the know-it-all card by critiquing from her arm-chair(or should I say throne) the ‘foolish construction men’ who decided to build the new Dunkin Donuts on the other side of the Street, rather than next to our building. After all, building the Dunkin Donuts next to our building would give customers the ability to drive into the Donut Store from two sides instead of one, since the store would be on the corner end of the road. It’s just sooo obvious. I mean, hell, why stop there. Why not put two Dunkin Donuts down there, with one right across the street from the other. That way customers could drive there from 4 sides. I mean it's just sooo obvious. Boy, I feel smart. But, I digress.



This same woman would also demean new hires by speaking to them with a condescending tone. “I was doing fine until she got here!” The new hire pleaded to me one day(who was a male ). This woman then walked over to our general manager's desk, who can hear everything, and groaned in a self pitying manner typical of narcissists that simultaneously absolves them of any responsibility, “I just don’t know how to not talk to him like he’s five!” It was at that moment I decided to speak up. I know I would have wanted somebody to do this for me, so I approached her and asked “have you tried looking at any communication skills websites online?”





“I already tried that!”, She retorted. Obviously this was a lie and if it were true then she should know that it’s really important how you communicate as much as what you communicate. If I scream at you,”NICE SHIRT!!” it’s not going to be received well , regardless if I just gave you a compliment. My next response was, “have you tried therapy?” She then went on to explaining how there’s no excuse due to how long the new hire had been there. He should have “gotten it by now”. I tried again by pointing out that what she’s doing wasn’t working either and in fact making things worse since she’s stressing him out. She repeated herself and it was at that point I walked off.  Now, of course, my goal was not to change this woman. But, I couldn’t stand that this was going on and nobody was speaking out against it. I did it because I felt it was the right thing to do. She later went on to tell me that I was right and that it took guts to stand up to her(notice how again her humility is still bragging). I mean, if you can't even get the concept called "being nice" down pat, a concept which most five year olds have mastered, then I'm not sure how your in any position to be condescending.



The reason I mention this woman is to point out that this is the same person who made the sexual harassment charge against the male night shift manager. This means that the general manager had no problem with a woman demeaning and humiliating a new hire, to the point of provoking rage, but a sexual harassment complaint, which was probably a lie according to many of the employees, is enough reason to terminate the man. This I find incredibly sexist and offensive. Let’s reverse things to put this into perspective. How would you feel if a male manager said nothing to a male employee after he whipped his johnson out in front of a female employee, but then you find out a female employee was written up by that same manager for speaking to people in a demeaning tone?




Back to my first day, the next two videos I watched very much addressed my initial anxieties. These videos and lectures thankfully included a wide variety of subtle, more passive forms of disrespect, including condescending tone. There were even videos I related to so much I found them difficult to watch. The trainer went so far as to stress that even rolling your eyes while somebody is talking will not be tolerated. Because of these safeguards, I experience a level of comfort and security at work that I never have before. To finally be in a workplace that’s professional and respectful after all of these years of running through the gamut of bad bosses, is such a relief that I can’t even begin to describe.




The flip side of this relief is also much grief and anger. In other words, the videos had a de-normalizing effect on me. You know when Stef gives listeners feedback such as, “that should not have happened, I’m so sorry”, he’s doing this to de-normalize that experience and to activate anger. While watching these videos, I felt as though I was receiving a similar message, something akin to, “All those times at work when you doubted yourself after being bullied? /you were actually right.  These people shouldn’t have treated you as they did.” In other words, I was being validated. Now these memories have made the transition from foggy uncertainty to being officially bad memories that are worthy of grief. So, many of my past co-workers and employees would have been fired or written up if they exhibited the kind of behavior I mentioned earlier at my current job. Now, I now have certainty and with it comes sweet, rich, and just anger. And the future is looking bright because now, after being exposed to such high standards, I know for sure what’s appropriate behavior at work and it will be that much easier to push back against people’s crazy. Especially, since at this company, to push back would be swimming with the current.