How do you get through the falling apart stage?

[SamtheSinger]

I guess I kind of feel like my life is a snow globe, and it's been given a big shake. It feels like everything I thought I knew has been rearranged. My parents aren't who I thought they were, and I'm terrified, so angry, and confused about them. I thought I knew myself in a really clear way, but now I'm second guessing my motives for everything. It feels like I keep discovering more ways that I've been manipulating everyone around me. I'm really struggling with my relationship with my wife, she has been supportive and brave, but I'm realizing just how dysfunctional our communication has been and it just feels like so much hard work to try and create new ways of communicating. On top of all of that, I'm a recovering alcoholic, I had almost ten years sober, but I got drunk a few times about 3 months ago, and I have such a strong desire to drink lately.

 

I did find a therapist, I met with her once, and I think we will work well together, but I'm having trouble keeping it together in my day to day life. I'm paralyzed in ways I can't remember feeling before, and I'm so angry. Overwhelmingly angry in ways I don't even know how to express. I feel broken, and unable to handle day to day life, and I'm feeling trapped.

 

To go back to the snow globe, I think I know, intellectually at least, that all the snow will settle eventually and the world will make sense again at some point, but that feels so far away. I don't know what to do with myself until that point. I have this burning mistrust of people around me, like I can't rely on the people I thought were my friends, but I'm so terrified to test that that I just end up being fake around them, or avoiding them altogether. I'm forgetting things way more than usual, and avoiding calling people back, which is just adding more stress to my life.

 

This is the only place where I feel like I can be fully honest, and something about that doesn't feel healthy to me. I just want to tell my story over and over and over, but then I feel like I'm just trying to get sympathy from people. I'm at a loss. there is so much inside of me that is screaming to be let out, but I don't know who to tell it to, or where to go with it. I guess maybe that's a lie. I think I want to scream it at my parents, but I just don't feel like I'm ready yet. It's like I'm stuck in this limbo, and it's showing up all over my life.

 

Last night I was running late, and I spent over 20 minutes in the kitchen, just bouncing around like a ping pong ball, switching from one task to another, to another. Not actually doing anything but wearing out the floor. I finally stood there shaking like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. It feels like something is going to come loose inside of me and I don't know what will happen then.

 

Even though I know that things will get better on the other side of this, I just don't know how I'll get there. I know all the "one day at a time" stuff that people say is true, but that doesn't seem to make a difference at all right now. I've never hurt like this before, and I just don't know what to do with myself.

 

Have any of you been down this path before? How did you cope?

[Josh F]

I can relate in a lot of ways.  I spent quite some time just culling my list of contacts, ultimately revealing how few friends remained (and how few family remained).  It was lonely for awhile, but I've managed to build some good new relationships.  I wasn't married at the time, though, and was already very distant from most of those friends and family emotionally and physically.  

 

I can't say exactly how I coped, except that I began to refuse to self-attack.  It took a LONG time to stop, though.  I can only really explain the feeling I had which was a resolution to resolve these strong feelings no matter who I had to cut out of my life, and to hold all the new people I met to a rigorous examination of their character.  Eventually what seems to have happened is that healthier people are just more attracted to making friends, and its gotten easier.  I have a small collection of new friends in my new country who are very open and considerate and understanding.  We've had deep conversations about our families and emotional struggles. 

 

I don't really have advice though, except to say that its important to communicate with yourself peacefully.  It took me years of a nagging anger to finally confront my family, and the amount of self-attack they would have triggered with their responses was mitigated by the strength I built waiting.  

 

I highly highly highly recommend calling into the show!!!  VERY helpful!

[villagewisdom]

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a time of it. Hang in there. Hopefully, your therapist will be able to help. 

 

My experience is that not being able to focus, forgetting things, feeling like i am about to have a complete mental breakdown, feeling like there is a crazy person that lives inside my head that is trying to possess me all come about because of the tremendous amount of emotion stirring in me. This seems very similar to to what you are describing. Personally, I had to get it out to be able to think clearly again. Backed up emotional energy makes it impossible for me to think rationally. GET IT OUT. That's what I say to myself. 

 

So these examples are some of what I use on an as-needed basis. Journaling, free writing where I just write and write and write whatever I think of, listening to music and singing or humming loudly (singing is a particularly powerful method for me) Also, dancing to the music until I drop works. Being out in nature helps when I am at the farm. Walking with bare feet in the grass is particularly calming. I feel the grass. I listen to the sounds of the bugs. I watch a sunset or full moon rising if available etc. and I let the tears come. You need to find ways to move the emotional energy out. Then you can look at it and make decisions about what to do next. 

 

And Josh makes a very good point above with the self-attack. In order for me to do the things I mentioned above, I had to stop the self-attack. That came first. Stop the self-attack then be with the emotions until they run out. No self-attack for having the feelings and no self-attack for how many times you have to take action and no self-attack for how long each expression of emotion lasts. That's my recipe. 

 

My remedy for alcohol craving is to remind myself "I don't drink alcohol". Not that I am an alcoholic or recovering alcoholic or anything like that. I simply affirm that "I don't drink alcohol" is who I am. I used the same technique for smoking. "I don't smoke cigarettes". I still have cravings for that also but it has been so many years that it is very weak now. My identity of "I don't drink alcohol" is old but also still new due to a relapse when I thought it was OK to let that thought go. It was not Ok and never will be and I remind myself a lot. I imagine someone offering me a glass of wine or a beer at a social gathering and I imagine myself saying "No thanks, I don't drink alcohol". No apologies or hanging my head because I have problems will alcohol.It is just who I am. This is very hard after coming home from a difficult day at work but it worked in the past and is working for me again. My husband is on board with me and if I suggest stopping to get some wine or beer (that's where it always starts for me) he will say "We don't drink alcohol". And I will say, "You know what? You're right. We don't drink alcohol." I really appreciate his support. Hopefully, your wife is supportive in that way. If not, ask her to join you in creating that identity. It is very empowering. My husband's input makes getting through that little time period after work when I just really want to give in really easy. I have found that the time period really is small and it passes quickly with just that little bit of support. 

 

Feel free to private message me any time. Especially if you need a reminder like "We don't drink alcohol". 

[SamtheSinger]

Thank you both, I don't have much to say at the moment, but your responses have helped.