better to stay or better to just go?

[bds4206]

Hello. My name is Brian. I've been listening for several months and am a donor. I love philosophy and love the things that are going on here. I am new to the forum as well. I have a situation that I was going to try to talk to Steph about but I'm not sure how interesting it is, yada, yada.

 

So I'll make a long story short.

 

If you're married and have stepchildren (huge mistake right there) and things aren't working in the family (wife doesn't like my child, I don't like her children, they don't like each other etc.) is it better to try to work it out or just leave. Which one do you think would cause less damage and limit the damage that already has been caused?

 

There obviously are alot of extenuating circumstances (mormonism, death of a biological parent, and more) but I think it's pretty safe to say that my wife and I get along pretty well most of the time, but all of the other relationships in the "family" are damaged.

 

I've asked two different therapists this question while explaining the whole situation and I got two different answers.

 

a. You should leave. You won't hurt the kids, they don't like you anyway and you don't like them. So as far as you limiting the damage to the children, the damage would be minimal anyway.

 

b. You only have to deal with the kids for another 10 years. If you love your wife, suck it up, do your best and wait out the storm....to paraphrase.

 

I wish I had never gotten myself into this situation, but I did and now I need to figure out the best way to fix this for all involved. Any thoughts on this are welcome. Even if your thought is that I'm a moron...

 

 

[villagewisdom]

Hello Brian,

 

I have no expertise in your situation. I just want to say I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time and good on you for reaching out.

 

I think it is a very interesting topic and I recommend getting on the show with Stef. I've had and continue to have similar thoughts about not being interesting enough for this or that. When I hear those thoughts (and I get them a lot now as I am podcasting every other week), I feel it is self-attack on my worth as a human being. I can now stop immediately though it hasn't been so in the past. In the past the self-attack thoughts kept me from moving on my desires but not any more. The thoughts are sometimes relentless and I do not try to stop them. I just acknowledge them and move on with the task at hand. They become muted to a soft buzz in the background. 

 

Sorry I got off topic there. I look forward to hearing your progress. 

Okay, I read your post through again and did come up with some thoughts on it. I find both of the therapist responses that you paraphrased to be quite cold toward the children. And perhaps I would need more detail. I find myself wondering why the therapists did not suggest family counseling. There are issues that those children have that need to be worked out. And I am confused about how you can love your wife and she you -- and yet there is no caring for each other's offspring. Caring in the sense that you would go to any length to support each other in all things -- like working out the differences between the children. There is so much that could be learned about communication, negotiation, and what it means to be a wife, husband, and parent.

 

And again, I am no expert. I am not walking in your shoes. So I am just wondering out loud.

[dsayers]

As you said, the key is in prevention. How did you come to marry this woman if she doesn't like your child or vice versa? Why would you subject your child to this situation now? How can you claim to love somebody that has raised children that are problematic and/or has a problem with your child?

 

The answer to your question is whatever's best for your child. You created an obligation to that person who is dependent upon you and this is more important than your feelings about the woman. Especially since it sounds like your feelings for here are an enormous opportunity for self-knowledge. Something you might be able to better accomplish while not sharing a bed.

 

I'm an outsider going on very little information. That said, it seems to me that the reasons to leave would benefit your child while the reasons to stay would be convenient for you.

[Tyler Durden]

I don't think getting into a marriage with stepchildren is a mistake in itself, but it's definitely more challenging. Your story is definitely interesting enough to talk to Stef about and I recommend you do that. That said, let me add some of my own thoughts:

 

First of all, your main responsibility is to your own child. His/her needs are more important than your own, because he/she is not there by choice. So if you bring other people into his/her life the least you can do is pick someone who likes him/her. If your wife doesn't like your child that's completely unacceptable, she should either really work on that or you should get a divorce. That's your responsibility as a father.

 

Second of all, you owe her children the same respect. They didn't choose their mom, they didn't choose whatever happened to their dad, they didn't choose you, and they can't leave. You chose to get involved with their mom and that makes you their stand-in dad, so you better act like one. Not liking them is simply not an option, just like not liking your own kids is not an option, they're work in progress and your job is to be the best role model you can possibly be and raise them like they were your own. If you don't want to do that then you should call it quits.

 

Third of all, the suggestion from therapist b sucks for three reasons. One, 10 years is not a short period, it's half a childhood. Two, both of you didn't decide to have children to suck it up and wait it out, you had them to have a good time with them. And three, children grow up and leave the house but they will always be your children, it will suck if they come visit and you still can't get along, and it will suck even more if they don't even want to visit.

 

So if you still think this can work my advice would be to talk to your wife about this and start working on the stepparent-child relationships. And schedule a call with Stef.

[bds4206]

Let me just say thanks for the replies. Also let me say that I didn't start this thread as a way of getting sympathy or anything like that. I'm genuinely trying to find the best outcome for everyone, me included. I also think that the question itself is an interesting one on a larger scale for anyone that is in a situation like this, or a situation with family that are troublesome, etc. To address a few things in particular; The not liking kids issue is really mine. I don't really like her kids and they don't like me. I got along with them pretty well while we were dating but once we moved in together things changed quickly. The same thing can be said for her relationship with my daugther. My daugther just moved in with us a few months ago after her mother died. Before she moved in with us and she was just seeing us on weekends and holidays they got along fine. Now that she lives here (especially with the trauma from her mothers death) things are not good between them.

 

I don't have the time or you guys the patience I'm sure to go into why we got married in the first place so I'll save that for another time. I also agree that the kids are really the victims here. Not me and not my wife. I agree that the choice to stay is probably the selfish one on the surface but if my daughter and wife can re establish their bond, staying may be a great thing for my daughter as she now doesn't have a "mother" in her life. Although she didn't get along with her mom really either.

 

Thanks though for all of your thoughts. The whole story I think is too long to really get into here so I'll save that. To answer my own question about whether it's better to stay or go in a situation like that, I'd be inclined to tell a stranger to leave and get it over with while everyone is still young. Much easier to say to a stranger though than to a mirror I guess.

[dsayers]

I got along with them pretty well while we were dating but once we moved in together things changed quickly.

 

This is likely not true. More likely is that your standards for "getting along" are insufficient to a degree that would not be revealed in casual passing, but come to light once living/spending much more time together. For example, did you sit down and talk with them at all before even considering marriage? Did you gauge their capacity for rational thought? Did you ask them how they were reprimanded by their parents? Did you ask them how they feel about their parents' divorce? Did you ask them how they felt about another male figure being in their lives?

 

"Getting along" is much different than relishing each others' company.

[Fred]

First and foremost, it's important that you protect your child. Don't drag your child into a negative environment. But on the other hand, exactly the same thing happens to her children (you don't like them too, so you're bringing negativity in their environment). That's my humble opinion.

 

How's your relation with your child?