aro Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 This might seem like trivial drama but it has made me feel quite anxious over the past few days and I would like to hear an outside opinion. I was sitting with my group of friends from college and out of nowhere, one of them (we'll call him James) said something to the effect of "Can we all switch seats in class, I hate sitting beside aro, it's so fucking boring, all he does is work and barely talks". Everyone looked at me, surprise and confusion on their faces. My heart dropped and I was speechless. No one really responded, there was a sense of tension but the subject was changed. After a while, one of my friends brought the subject back. He was concerned for me and said to James, "What you said about aro was harsh and uncalled for". James then claimed that it was nothing personal. How the hell is this nothing personal? He made a negative statement about my personality! I took this as an attack. No one wants to be called boring, especially in front of other people, I see it as a form of humiliation because who wants to associate with a boring person. Later on, James "apologised", but it didn't sound sincere at all, it sounded as if he was just trying to avoid any drama. He walked up to me and said "I'm sorry, are you bothered by this?" "Of course I am", I replied but then he dropped the subject and walked over to someone else. What am I to make of this? Can I really consider someone a friend when they call me "fucking boring" and make next to no effort to consider how insulted I felt? Overall, I feel really confused about this. When he said I don't talk in class, this is a flat out lie. In almost every class, James and I have a good laugh while we do the work, I don't know what else he wants, I'm not his jester. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfessionalTeabagger Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Wow, what a dickhead that person is. That fact he said it's nothing personal makes it worse. That means he doesn't even have a substantial reason for attacking you. He's likely acting out how his parents treated him. The bullshit non-apology is just salt on the wound. No you cannot consider him a friend. Friends don't get to insult you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParaSait Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 One of the most constructive things I have ever done in my social life, is learning the difference between a friend and an acquaintance, if you get what I mean. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lingum Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 I'm sorry. This is really abusive behavior. His explanation makes no sense. Why would he not say something for a long time, then blurt it out in front of everybody? It sounds more likely that he has some unresolved issues that your presence reminds him of. Maybe he gets nervous that you don't indulge his need for empty small talk. Most people with issues are used to other people meeting them halfway, even if what they're saying is obviously a lie, or just irrational. They come to the rescue when the silence resembles connection. It's the mutual commitment people have to dishonesty. Maybe he wanted to use you to distract from how uncomfortable he was with the situation. It's interesting that he expects peoples' attention, and to be entertained in that environment. It sounds like he's acting out like children do. There must be something seriously wrong with him, for not even realizing how abusive that was. I can't imagine he has any capacity for empathy. I wouldn't put any stock into this situation. The way he told you, tells you it all has to do with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Omegahero09 Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Rough, very rough. Are your other friends on the same page with you as far as voluntary relationships and truth goes? If they are I'd figure out a solution with them. Ostracizing this guy should be the last thing you do, but perhaps showing him a little truth will go a long way. You should find comfort in knowing that you are miles ahead of this guy on the mature spectrum- and your friends too for defending you. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsayers Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 No one wants to be called boring, especially in front of other people, I see it as a form of humiliation because who wants to associate with a boring person. I'm not so sure. Some people might define boring as not going out and getting bombed every night. From these people, the label of "boring" would be a badge of honor. It is unethical to suggest that somebody is obligated to speak to you just because they're in proximity to you. If conversation is the standard by which he arrived at that conclusion, why does it apply to you and not him? Did he ever try talking to you? If you're in class, wouldn't there be a minimum of talking anyways? Anyways, your reaction to this is an opportunity for self-knowledge. I don't know you and I don't know him, but I do know that his behavior only reflects on him, not you. As such, I find it curious that you would be so offended. Even if the person was a very close friend (your story made it hard to tell how well you know each other), then it's an opportunity to learn about yourself how you could allow yourself to become so close to somebody who could be so hurtful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Three Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 This might seem like trivial drama but it has made me feel quite anxious over the past few days and I would like to hear an outside opinion. I was sitting with my group of friends from college and out of nowhere, one of them (we'll call him James) said something to the effect of "Can we all switch seats in class, I hate sitting beside aro, it's so fucking boring, all he does is work and barely talks". Everyone looked at me, surprise and confusion on their faces. My heart dropped and I was speechless. No one really responded, there was a sense of tension but the subject was changed. After a while, one of my friends brought the subject back. He was concerned for me and said to James, "What you said about aro was harsh and uncalled for". James then claimed that it was nothing personal. How the hell is this nothing personal? He made a negative statement about my personality! I took this as an attack. No one wants to be called boring, especially in front of other people, I see it as a form of humiliation because who wants to associate with a boring person. Later on, James "apologised", but it didn't sound sincere at all, it sounded as if he was just trying to avoid any drama. He walked up to me and said "I'm sorry, are you bothered by this?" "Of course I am", I replied but then he dropped the subject and walked over to someone else. What am I to make of this? Can I really consider someone a friend when they call me "fucking boring" and make next to no effort to consider how insulted I felt? Overall, I feel really confused about this. When he said I don't talk in class, this is a flat out lie. In almost every class, James and I have a good laugh while we do the work, I don't know what else he wants, I'm not his jester. He is not a friend, but rather an abusive jerk. I'd stay away from him. Abusive people never stop. He will continue to hurt and bewilder you. He bewilder's and confuses you to keep you around. This is the second goal of the abuser, other than to hurt you, they want to keep you around so they can keep hurting you. In your case, during phase one of the abuse, he hurts you by saying your boring. Phase two is when he tried to confuse you and to get you to doubt yourself, by minimizing your hurt, "it's nothing personal!"This is continuing the abuse. Now that you're confused you are susceptible to phase three, which is the manipulation. It is at this point that he hopes to lure you back in by apologizing. Anger is like your immune system which serves to push back abusive people, much in the same way white antibodies fight off illness. The apology is to disarm your anger, to lower your defenses and thus allow him back in.When you say, "oh, I guess it wasn't a big deal, I'll stay around him", he has you under his control. Don't let it happen. You're worth more than that.I hope that helps. -Joel 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueechoFeecho Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 I think there is a podcast from about 2011 that discusses the legitimacy of forming an FDR posse and eliminating a nuisance person from the face of the earth. Maybe look that up. ----------full disclosure below---------------- I am joking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the belly of the beast Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 If you think there is some kind of potential to salvage anything of value from associating with this guy, then you could try a gentle but persistent "grilling" on why he would say such a thing. Even if what he says turns out to be nonsense, you will have found out a bit more about what kind of man you are dealing with, which will in turn tell you more about this group of social acquaintances (friends?), as well as your own social judgement and expectations. Other than that, I'd lean towards ditching this guy from your life in the absence of a sincere apology and comprehensive non-bullshit explanation from him, because he does sound like a potentially abusive person in general. I'd also begin to examine the quality of your social relationships with at least some of the other people in this group, given that they associate with this guy. The person that actually stood up for you might be worth keeping as a genuine friend, however. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shades Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 He's probably actually jealous of something, or attention-seeking, and the best he can come up with, is to say you are boring. Either way, you should only respond with the friendship you actually receive. If apologies are not genuine, and just for show, treat them with the derision they deserve.Life is too short to burn energy on false friends. You're not here to entertain others, or fulfil gaps in your friend's personalities. (Me+) Fortunately it sounds as if he was upfront about it all and not going behind your back, (but that may be happening too). So at least everyone else can witness what an ass-hat he is being. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysterionMuffles Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 That's not trivial, please don't minimize. That kind of insulting social shaming is not the action of someone I would call a friend. I would ask him why he wanted to say it in that instance. Maybe he's projecting and just had something going on inside himself that he was trying to avoid by passing the anxiety on to you? Also, the whole "don't take it personally," comment is actually meant to make you self attack. Like oh you're so sensitive how could you react to something so innocuous. I had recently unfriended a woman who kept telling me not to take things personally, when she was really just projecting how she took my curiousity and expression of feelings personally as judgemental attacks on her character. I would RTR with her and she would be offended by my simple stating of feelings without judgement on her part. It's one thing to know that you shouldn't take things personally because people's offenses against you have more to do with them than it does with you. But to inflict the conclusion that you're taking things personally is an insult to your vulnerability and makes you feel like you don't deserve to be hurt and not have that feeling of hurt explored. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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