So I yelled at my mother...

[Wesley B]

So here is the situation..

 

I am a 18 (soon to be 19) year old male living with my mother and trying to finish up high school (I'm graduating 5 months late). The situation i have here with my mother is totally out of control. I am sickened by her and really just hate her deeply. I simply cannot live in the same house with her anymore. I think what brought on this hatred is the fact that over the past year, and especially the past 4 months, Ive been gaining A LOT of self knowledge about myself and my history and when i try to bring up criticisms of her and the things shes done in the past, she is totally unconnected in the conversation and doesn't really care fundamentally. she pretends like she does but its a facade. I know this because she'll act like she wants to help me and act like she cares but as soon as i put forth an argument that she cant refute or that is hard for her to hear, she immediately turns against me and makes it about HER. She will then proceed to say horrible things about me such as "You don't have an empathetic bone in your body".

 

The other reason reason that i think Ive come to hate her so deeply, is that Ive come to realize that she has not really accomplished anything in her life and because of this, she has distilled a sense of helplessness in me because (I think) she does not want to see me succeed or be happy because her own life has been so shitty. She knows i have the potential for an amazing life and she doesn't want that because she couldn't have it herself. This weight of helplessness that she set upon me was so heavy that only in the past week have i realized that I NEED to go out in the world and get things done for myself. Ive literally been wasting away in this house all summer waiting for people to come "rescue" me and get things done for me. I regret that only now have i been able to throw off this delusion, but im glad it is gone nonetheless. Anyway, to be honest i just think that my mother is really stupid and, at this point, i just think she is a really pathetic person. Sorry if this first part was overly ranty. Ive never really had anyone to talk about this stuff to. I will now get on to the main point.

 

2 days ago, my mother came home from work and when she came in i was furious at her for... well... just existing basically. She was being really loud and the sound of her voice makes me quiver in rage. What i usually do when she comes home is hide away in my room or leave the house until she goes to bed (usually around 5 hours). However I was so mad at her that after an hour or so i stormed out of my room to go confront her. When i confronted her, I started talking to her in a commanding and (what i would consider) an abusive "tone of voice". I told her that she needed to spend more time at her boyfriends house (my parents are divorced) because we simply cannot live in the same house any more. After a minute or so she sad "you cant talk to me like that". I replied, "I can talk to you however i fucking want you stupid bitch". I then proceeded to tell her how much i hate her and how much she disgusts me and how pathetic I think she is. The conversation ended in the typical way of her pretending to care but then turning against me and making it all about herself. She then started crying and then ran upstairs saying "this is not what i needed tonight".

 

Looking back on the conversation, i am concerned about how i talked to her. I think the reason I yelled at her the way I did in such a commanding and mean way is because 1. Whenever i try to have a civilized conversation with her it never works out and 2. because i feel like she deserved it. I remember storming out of my room with the intention of being an asshole to her and i did not let go of that intention. I did not want to have a civilized conversation i just wanted to scream. That is what concerns me the most, that i didn't let go of wanting to yell. I would NEVER talk like this to anyone else, but i am still concerned that this yelling might occur again later in my life.

 

I would really just like peoples thoughts on my whole situation. If you have any advice on the situation with my mother, or any advice on how to get the hell out of this house as fast as humanly possible, they would be GREATLY appreciated.

 

Thank you so much

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Moralm]

She will then proceed to say horrible things about me such as "You don't have an empathetic bone in your body".

 

Projection?

 

 

 The other reason reason that i think Ive come to hate her so deeply, is that Ive come to realize that she has not really accomplished anything in her life and because of this, she has distilled a sense of helplessness in me because (I think) she does not want to see me succeed or be happy because her own life has been so shitty. 

 

Can you expand on this at all? Do you have any examples of how she does this?

 

Are you currently working at all? If not, the first thing I would do is start looking. 

 

I'm sorry that you have to deal with such a person.

[villagewisdom]

 

I would really just like peoples thoughts on my whole situation. If you have any advice on the situation with my mother, or any advice on how to get the hell out of this house as fast as humanly possible, they would be GREATLY appreciated.

 

 

I think you may be aware that you are thinking irrationally -- but if not, you are thinking irrationally. The way you are describing the events reminds of when I was 2 or maybe even a little younger and I exploded in temper tantrums often. I never learned impulse control. I was reckless as a teenager and young adult. I ruined my life for many years and worse yet, brought two children into the mix and their lives are forever damaged because of me and my irrational choices as a teenager. I just wanted to get out of the house because my mother was a stupid bitch and knew nothing about what life is really about. 

 

My guess is that something happened when you were very little and you are playing it out again. I would say remember that you are older now and have more control and can make your own decisions. Get angry and really feel it. But beware that just getting the hell out of the house can lead to disaster if you do not have a plan and are simply striking out in anger. Yes, get out ASAP if that's what you think you need to do. But have a rational plan. I think I have repeated that enough times for today. 

 

What does being an adult look like for you? What do you value? How can you get there? Who will help you? Is there anyone else that can assist you in reaching your ideals -- someone who will listen and is mature enough to give useful advice. Oh wait, that might be Stef. Call into the show. And I emphasize useful advice because if you rely on others in your peer group, you are asking for advice from others that have no more experience than you do with what it takes to live on your own. 

 

Are you in therapy? Have you asked your mother to help you with that? 

[MysterionMuffles]

Yeah your mom sounds like a loser who's just trying to break your will so she doesn't feel as much of a loser than she already does.

 

I'm so sorry that just her existence and her expression itself is enough to set you off, I can't even imagine how much it has irritated you all your life.

 

As far as I know, since I don't know what she's like only getting your view on it, I wouldn't say it was wrong for you to yell at her. Yeah sure, I bet you can bring up these concerns in a calmer fashion and I would suggest that you do in a future date when you've calmed down, but what came out of you that day was the inner child who has been feeling left unheard and ignored for all these years. People only yell at each other because civil tone feels like it doesn't get the point across.

 

Can you express in more detail how you approached the criticisms about her before she said you had no empathy? It's a delicate thing and it's sad that we have to manage the emotions of our parents, but there is some care you do need to take when delivering criticism to people who think that they've done perfectly well for you for all their life.

You're not wrong to feel the way you do, but the way it gets expressed might make or break your soul, in that the verbal abuse you inflict on your mom might make you only sink deeper to her level. I don't wanna be all that Zen guru on you, and yes your anger is warranted, the important thing is how it gets expressed. You can still let her know you're angry with her without having to get abrasive. Have you read Real-Time Relationships?

[Wesley B]

Projection?

 

 

 

Can you expand on this at all? Do you have any examples of how she does this?

 

Are you currently working at all? If not, the first thing I would do is start looking. 

 

I'm sorry that you have to deal with such a person.

 

Its quite possibly projection. However my mother is one of these spiritual people who think that people with a rational mind just "reason away everything" and I think that she thinks Ive "reasoned away" having empathy for people. I do in fact have lots of empathy just not towards my parents because they are unrepentant abusers.

 

As far as the helplessness goes, all throughout my life my mother has basically done everything for me. She has not prepared me for life AT ALL. This is the main reason why it was hard for me to do things for myself because i just had no idea how to do basic things in society.  I'm still struggling with this but I am learning.

 

Within the next 2 weeks I will definitely be starting a job as a guitar teacher and then hopefully part time at Starbucks or something for some extra coin. It will still be a few months (I think) before i have the money to move out but at least I am now on the path towards it.

I think you may be aware that you are thinking irrationally -- but if not, you are thinking irrationally. The way you are describing the events reminds of when I was 2 or maybe even a little younger and I exploded in temper tantrums often. I never learned impulse control. I was reckless as a teenager and young adult. I ruined my life for many years and worse yet, brought two children into the mix and their lives are forever damaged because of me and my irrational choices as a teenager. I just wanted to get out of the house because my mother was a stupid bitch and knew nothing about what life is really about. 

 

My guess is that something happened when you were very little and you are playing it out again. I would say remember that you are older now and have more control and can make your own decisions. Get angry and really feel it. But beware that just getting the hell out of the house can lead to disaster if you do not have a plan and are simply striking out in anger. Yes, get out ASAP if that's what you think you need to do. But have a rational plan. I think I have repeated that enough times for today. 

 

What does being an adult look like for you? What do you value? How can you get there? Who will help you? Is there anyone else that can assist you in reaching your ideals -- someone who will listen and is mature enough to give useful advice. Oh wait, that might be Stef. Call into the show. And I emphasize useful advice because if you rely on others in your peer group, you are asking for advice from others that have no more experience than you do with what it takes to live on your own. 

 

Are you in therapy? Have you asked your mother to help you with that? 

Thank you for your reply. I can definitely relate to the feeling of wanting to get the hell away from stupid bitch mothers. I definitely know that moving out if what i need to do and have a plan, a budget etc. The only thing i don't have is friends to support me. This concerns  me greatly but i will just have to live with that reality for now. I really never do things out of anger. This recent experience of yelling at my mother like i did is the only circumstance in which i can remember that i did.

 

Also as soon as im out of here i will definitely start looking for a good therapist. Ive tried therapy while still living here but getting therapy while still in the abusive household is like throwing water out of a sinking ship.

 

Yeah your mom sounds like a loser who's just trying to break your will so she doesn't feel as much of a loser than she already does.

 

I'm so sorry that just her existence and her expression itself is enough to set you off, I can't even imagine how much it has irritated you all your life.

 

As far as I know, since I don't know what she's like only getting your view on it, I wouldn't say it was wrong for you to yell at her. Yeah sure, I bet you can bring up these concerns in a calmer fashion and I would suggest that you do in a future date when you've calmed down, but what came out of you that day was the inner child who has been feeling left unheard and ignored for all these years. People only yell at each other because civil tone feels like it doesn't get the point across.

 

Can you express in more detail how you approached the criticisms about her before she said you had no empathy? It's a delicate thing and it's sad that we have to manage the emotions of our parents, but there is some care you do need to take when delivering criticism to people who think that they've done perfectly well for you for all their life.

You're not wrong to feel the way you do, but the way it gets expressed might make or break your soul, in that the verbal abuse you inflict on your mom might make you only sink deeper to her level. I don't wanna be all that Zen guru on you, and yes your anger is warranted, the important thing is how it gets expressed. You can still let her know you're angry with her without having to get abrasive. Have you read Real-Time Relationships?

Thank you.

 

I think you are right about the yelling being my inner child finally unleashed. My preferences were totally ignored for the most part when i was a child and my feelings were really not cared about.

 

When i criticize my parents I basically show no mercy. I am very straightforward with the problems i have with them, what i think about them, and what i think (and often times know) what the truth of  the whole situation is. When i criticize them, it often reminds me of one of the charters in one of Ayn Rand's books because (I believe) I am a virtuous person and i just lay on the truth to a bunch of "second-handers" and narcissists. Sorry if that sounds arrogant haha.

 

The argument that I had with my mother where she told i had no empathy (I actually remember she specifically said that I "Don't have a compassionate bone in my body") was a while ago so i don't remember it all to clearly. But from what i remember I was basically telling her that i think she didn't care about me enough when i was a child and that i think she made alot of decisions without taking me into consideration. Thats when she told me i have no empathy.

 

Yes i don't want to sink to the level of my parents by yelling at her which is why I am going to try my hardest not to yell at her again. I never have problems trying to resist yelling at other people only with my parents. I know my anger is justified but obviously I know now yelling will not get through to her.

 

I have never read real time relationships or any of Stef's books to be honest, Ive just listened to his podcasts for 2 years. The reason I am so against reading is because i was forced to do so much reading of retarded books in public school so whenever i try to read I am very reluctant to do it because it holds a negative connotation in my mind. Thank goodness I was able to read The Fountainhead haha

[MysterionMuffles]

I would suggest you download the audio version then. The communication methodology is unabrasive and can only be seen as such from people who take everything personally. It's an invitation to either curiousity or attack, and once you see which one people opt out for when you simply express your feelings in the moment, you'll get closure on that relationship.

[Wesley B]

I would suggest you download the audio version then. The communication methodology is unabrasive and can only be seen as such from people who take everything personally. It's an invitation to either curiousity or attack, and once you see which one people opt out for when you simply express your feelings in the moment, you'll get closure on that relationship.

I see. That sounds very useful. Thank you so much.

[Moralm]

She has not prepared me for life AT ALL. This is the main reason why it was hard for me to do things for myself because i just had no idea how to do basic things in society.  I'm still struggling with this but I am learning.

 

 

This reminds me of my situation in young adult life. I had little to no idea what I wanted to do with my life, I was very emotionally unintelligent, my communication skills were poor, I had no real concept of seeking a virtuous significant other, I had a hard time telling if people were lying to me and didn't know how to spot inconsistencies in stories, etc. I'm glad that you have discovered FDR. I think you are probably much wiser than I was at young adulthood.

 

 

Ive tried therapy while still living here but getting therapy while still in the abusive household is like throwing water out of a sinking ship.

 

I'm not sure what your reasoning is here. I imagine that therapy would be beneficial regardless of where you are living. It might be a good idea to make a plan for moving out through discussions with a therapist.

 

 

 

But from what i remember I was basically telling her that i think she didn't care about me enough when i was a child and that i think she made alot of decisions without taking me into consideration. Thats when she told me i have no empathy.

 

 

This reminds me of what Stefan said about the emotional hot potato. To paraphrase: "You made me feel shitty, so I'll make you feel shitty".

 

 

I'm happy to hear that you will be teaching guitar and have a possibility of working at Starbucks. That should open up your possibilities for making social connections. If you don't mind my asking, have you worked before?

[Wesley B]

This reminds me of my situation in young adult life. I had little to no idea what I wanted to do with my life, I was very emotionally unintelligent, my communication skills were poor, I had no real concept of seeking a virtuous significant other, I had a hard time telling if people were lying to me and didn't know how to spot inconsistencies in stories, etc. I'm glad that you have discovered FDR. I think you are probably much wiser than I was at young adulthood.

 

 

 

I'm not sure what your reasoning is here. I imagine that therapy would be beneficial regardless of where you are living. It might be a good idea to make a plan for moving out through discussions with a therapist.

 

 

 

This reminds me of what Stefan said about the emotional hot potato. To paraphrase: "You made me feel shitty, so I'll make you feel shitty".

 

 

I'm happy to hear that you will be teaching guitar and have a possibility of working at Starbucks. That should open up your possibilities for making social connections. If you don't mind my asking, have you worked before?

Thank you. I don't know where i would be without FDR. I am very in touch with my emotions now and my life is much better for it.

 

Going to therapy while still in the abusive household doesn't really work that well in my experience because even if the therapist is very helpful to you, you still have to go back to a place where you have to deal with horrible people which basically blocks most of the progress you are trying to make in therapy. I think it is because you are trying to progress in your life while still literally living with your past. Its funny you should mention making "moving out" plans with a therapist because i actually did that with mine 2 day ago.

 

I have never actually worked a steady job before. Ive never really had a reason to until now. i used to be scared of it i guess but now i really don't care. I would like to work 7 days a week right now if i can just so i can get out of here faster.

[Drew.]

Thank you. I don't know where i would be without FDR. I am very in touch with my emotions now and my life is much better for it.

 

Going to therapy while still in the abusive household doesn't really work that well in my experience because even if the therapist is very helpful to you, you still have to go back to a place where you have to deal with horrible people which basically blocks most of the progress you are trying to make in therapy. I think it is because you are trying to progress in your life while still literally living with your past. Its funny you should mention making "moving out" plans with a therapist because i actually did that with mine 2 day ago.

 

I have never actually worked a steady job before. Ive never really had a reason to until now. i used to be scared of it i guess but now i really don't care. I would like to work 7 days a week right now if i can just so i can get out of here faster.

 

For what it's worth, I hear what you're saying about therapy while still living in a toxic environment. In a session, you could work on the most delicate, vulnerable aspects of yourself, go home, and end up getting retraumatized to some degree. I wish you the best of luck. It can be really difficult setting out on the first time.One thing that I want to mention that I've had to learn the hard way after an early-life deFOO is that if you want to attend college, unless if you fit into some very specific circumstances, you will be considered a dependent student who will parent's information and assistance through the federal student aid process until you're 24. That may weigh in with how you'll go about your break if that is something that is important to you.

[Wesley B]

For what it's worth, I hear what you're saying about therapy while still living in a toxic environment. In a session, you could work on the most delicate, vulnerable aspects of yourself, go home, and end up getting retraumatized to some degree. I wish you the best of luck. It can be really difficult setting out on the first time.One thing that I want to mention that I've had to learn the hard way after an early-life deFOO is that if you want to attend college, unless if you fit into some very specific circumstances, you will be considered a dependent student who will parent's information and assistance through the federal student aid process until you're 24. That may weigh in with how you'll go about your break if that is something that is important to you.

Thank you very much.

 

I greatly appreciate the information but i don't intend on attending college. This is because i don't want to be in massive debt and i don't think i need college to achieve what i want in life (Which is leaving behind great music in the world). Actually during high school, I attended another school called Atlanta Guitar Academy where college level curriculum was taught having to do with music theory and such. I passed as an honors graduate (100 in the class) and have an equivalent to an associates degree as a guitar major. 

 

I'm very sorry you had to go through an early life de-FOO. Its a really tough situation but im sure your life is much better now because of it.