Social problem [depress only in certain time]

[efioptv]

This has been annoying for years since I moved to the US. Through out middle school and high school, I made friends to hang out with and it was fun, but I rarely meet them outside of school because I found it too much of a hassle to go out (money problem or parent restrictions). It was a great time though. Now I'm in University, I did not even made a friend that can hang out with me during lunch time. Only in some class, I made no more than one friend to talk to during that time and never interact outside of class. You might say I'm racist, I always trying to find someone who also speaks my mother language...still, I find it too much of a hassle to talk to anyone... : ( 

 

I do hang out with people, but most of the time, my sister's friends (mostly female) of course it is pretty boring even though they became friends of mine. Every time I'm alone late at night not talking to my sister and have this thoughts, I get depress that I have no real friends or wining to myself that I have no love relationship with anyone... is this the consequences of being lazy?

[surfingthoughts]

Are you seeing a therapist? 

 

I would not call you racist it is presumably easier for you to speak in your mother language and thus less stressful I also think it is likely you will be making excuses to yourself to justify not trying to talk to someone because of the anxiety you feel. There will be a reason for the anxiety it would be helpful to you to get to the route of that. Small steps to begin with might also help such as simply walking up to a group of people and asking the time (during the end of lunch time perhaps) be very aware of how you are feeling remind yourself that you are safe. 

 

 

This is presuming it is anxiety I think this because you give the impression you want to meet other people and yet you are stopping yourself. 

[villagewisdom]

I don't know how you get being lazy out of that. It sounds like you were never taught social skills. I was the same way and I grew up in the US. I never had a real friend in my entire school life - or adult life for that matter. Sometimes I associated with people that hung out with my sister, 2 years younger than me. Part of my problem was my thoughts were so complex and deep that I had no idea how to bring up subjects that were of interest to me and no one else talked about them. I had no practice in basic conversation skills. This may sound odd, but I was probably 50 years old before I learned what to say to someone who had experienced a death in the family. I'm so sorry for your loss. That's a simple statement, right? That's all I needed to say. But I was mute with people because I didn't know how to say those simple words. The skill to start a conversion and discuss a topic that had real meaning for me was an impossible task when I could only minimally discuss the weather. 

 

If I had it to do over again, I'd read some books. The type of book that sounded shallow to me what I was younger is exactly the kind of book I eventually found helpful. I know people in this community do not find "self help" books particularly useful, but I did and still do - though I am more selective now than in the past. You'll get better suggestions on psychology reading material from others on the board. I am still new to those as I am trying to overcome bias from bad college experiences with psychology bullshit teachers. 

[efioptv]

Are you seeing a therapist? I would not call you racist it is presumably easier for you to speak in your mother language and thus less stressful I also think it is likely you will be making excuses to yourself to justify not trying to talk to someone because of the anxiety you feel. There will be a reason for the anxiety it would be helpful to you to get to the route of that. Small steps to begin with might also help such as simply walking up to a group of people and asking the time (during the end of lunch time perhaps) be very aware of how you are feeling remind yourself that you are safe. This is presuming it is anxiety I think this because you give the impression you want to meet other people and yet you are stopping yourself.

Havent seen any therapist yet. The possibioity of anxiety is less? Since i was doing pretty well in one year where I lived at a dorm. I'm just less active than they do and not join them as much since I have different interest (exclude video games). Its when I got back home, then I stopped contacting anyone. Its wasting too much time taking the bus and only hang out with them for no purpose for a few hours...it feels like I'm the outlier of the community I'm in right now...rarely I see someone has similar interest as me.

I don't know how you get being lazy out of that. It sounds like you were never taught social skills. I was the same way and I grew up in the US. I never had a real friend in my entire school life - or adult life for that matter. Sometimes I associated with people that hung out with my sister, 2 years younger than me. Part of my problem was my thoughts were so complex and deep that I had no idea how to bring up subjects that were of interest to me and no one else talked about them. I had no practice in basic conversation skills. This may sound odd, but I was probably 50 years old before I learned what to say to someone who had experienced a death in the family. I'm so sorry for your loss. That's a simple statement, right? That's all I needed to say. But I was mute with people because I didn't know how to say those simple words. The skill to start a conversion and discuss a topic that had real meaning for me was an impossible task when I could only minimally discuss the weather. If I had it to do over again, I'd read some books. The type of book that sounded shallow to me what I was younger is exactly the kind of book I eventually found helpful. I know people in this community do not find "self help" books particularly useful, but I did and still do - though I am more selective now than in the past. You'll get better suggestions on psychology reading material from others on the board. I am still new to those as I am trying to overcome bias from bad college experiences with psychology bullshit teachers.

Pretty close to what I'm in... I always overthink what I'm going to say and when I said it, its the bottom half of what I have thought and they have no idea what I'm talking about... I thought social skills are learned from experience. Besides, my sister did pretty well...does this has to do with my father?(remember Stefan said in one video about the son mirroring the behavior of his father?) My father until now, I never seen him mentioning friends or hangout with his friends. Most of his friends I know are my mother's friends. "I'm sorry that you had a bad day." Its awkward for me to say it... I have no idea why...i can say it, but just didn't feel like saying this words...not that I'm coldhearted...when my grandfather passed away(father side). I was speechless and try not to say anything rude...

[villagewisdom]

Pretty close to what I'm in... I always overthink what I'm going to say and when I said it, its the bottom half of what I have thought and they have no idea what I'm talking about... I thought social skills are learned from experience. Besides, my sister did pretty well...does this has to do with my father?(remember Stefan said in one video about the son mirroring the behavior of his father?) My father until now, I never seen him mentioning friends or hangout with his friends. Most of his friends I know are my mother's friends."I'm sorry that you had a bad day." Its awkward for me to say it... I have no idea why...i can say it, but just didn't feel like saying this words...not that I'm coldhearted...when my grandfather passed away(father side). I was speechless and try not to say anything rude...

 

Worrying about not saying anything rude -- that's exactly what I'm talking about. I would get so caught up in whether what I wanted to say would be rude or inappropriate that I always ended up saying nothing. A few years ago, maybe 2008, I was working as a contractor at a county health clinic. I was walking to lunch with the site Project Manager and she was talking about her dog that had died. She was really upset about it. I don't remember what I said but she just looked at me like I was insane and turned to the other person who was with us and continued her conversation. I still don't remember what I said. I just know that it was very inappropriate based on her reaction. She didn't know what to say and I didn't know what to say so she just moved on -- thank goodness. 

 

I'm still not very good at social interaction but I'm getting better. Greatest tip I picked up from books I read was to ask questions. And Stef is always talking about asking questions. You really can't go wrong in an interaction when you are asking questions about someone else and their life. I didn't learn any of that from "experience". My sister was pretty good at social interaction too and I don't know why. We had the same parents. I learned what I know from reading books and listening to audiobooks -- and only a few years ago. If you only get that one thing -- ask questions about them and their lives -- that will serve you well. You ask one question and off they go on their "story". Then you can ask more questions based on what they have already told you. I learned a lot about social interaction. I'm actually fairly comfortable now in social situations because I can always fall back on asking questions. 

 

Do you have people you don't really know very well telling you their life stories within 5 minutes or so? I used to get that all the time and I couldn't understand why. Now I think it is because I never talked and only listened. I got really good at listening. People would just go on an on. Some of it was pretty interesting too. I was at a job interview once and the person interviewing me started talking to me after the interview was officially over. Within 5 minutes she was telling me about issues in her marriage and her dilemma about whether she was going to continue after 14 years or so with her husband. She truly wanted my advice as if I was some authority on her life after only meeting her that day. That's just one example. (Oh and I got the job too.) 

 

On a side note, there is a really funny Star Trek Next Generation episode where Data is learning "small talk" for social events. It is hilarious and a little sad too when you realize how shallow some people are when they only know how to do "small talk". 

 

I find your sharing here quite delightful. 

[efioptv]

Glad Im not alone. Sometimes, I have this crazy thought that I'm mentally disabled and people talk to me only out of empathy. (so crazy) Right now, Since last semester, I have been going to a Christian fellowship on my campus every Friday, That was the time when I knew about FDR and right now, I'm struggling should I go and continue their belief or stop going...

[efioptv]

A little bump?

 

While I was typing the stuff above, I forgot so many things that I want to say. ( I bet even now I have forgotten some important stuff) 

 

Sometimes, I dont understand how people make friends...it seems like there is a purpose, to get a job, to know another person, to this, to that, etc. Thinking about making a friend just to achieve what you want makes it feel like Im an evil...but put it in a "free-market" way, it is like trading, if the person do not like you, he or she would not be talking to you (but not everyone does that)...

[efioptv]

After closely looking at what my family talks on the group chat, it is 100% small talks. I tried to talk about ideas, how self-interest is good, as long as it is achieved in a moral way, then they jumped topic onto other crap...I'm really disappointed...actually, it did happen when I was with them in person...

[s.costello]

You're definitely not mentally disabled or crazy, you just have a little work to do on being comfortable in social situations. Maybe part of the problem is that you don't feel a great connection to these people, and that's why you don't feel like going to the effort of hanging out with them. Wanting friends is not evil at all. Good friendships brings mutual benefit because you both support and value one other, and you don't need a purpose to the relationship other than enjoying each other's company. I would suggest going to therapy though, it may help you to get to the bottom of this and provide you with ways to work through it.

[efioptv]

You're definitely not mentally disabled or crazy, you just have a little work to do on being comfortable in social situations. Maybe part of the problem is that you don't feel a great connection to these people, and that's why you don't feel like going to the effort of hanging out with them. Wanting friends is not evil at all. Good friendships brings mutual benefit because you both support and value one other, and you don't need a purpose to the relationship other than enjoying each other's company. I would suggest going to therapy though, it may help you to get to the bottom of this and provide you with ways to work through it.

 

That might be the problem. Right now that I'm only taking general education classes, most of the students during lectures or labs seems to have a complete interest as I do. For example, the lab table that I sat around has two guys and three girls. Those two guys quickly stick together because they have the same interest (football) which I have absolutely no interest in. The other two girls, I don't even know what is their interest because I'm too shy to even talk to them. The only one thats left was forced to be group with me and she always starts the talking which only related to the lab that we are doing and nothing else.

 

I'm went to a fellowship last semester, but I don't have the time now since I got a part time job.

 

Today, I met one of my friend (knew her through my sister) and I saw her with her friend who also speaks the same mother language as she and I do, but after I went up to them and greet her, I just stood there for a full 5 seconds while they got their ordered food from the cafe and I ended up walking away without saying anything, not even a "goodbye". I felt so awkard and also depress.

 

[can this be my diary?]