First Post

[Panzermk2]

For starters many thanks to Mike and Stef. I can here for the politics and stayed for the philosophy.

 

Talked with Mike by email about the epic abuse I received from both parents. I was inspired to contact Mike after listening to one of the call in shows when Stef talked about snagging condiments packages for food to survive. LOL I for some strange reason I thought I was the only one who did that as a kid.

 

Well I called my father out on the abuse he started. He was the first to abuse and of my parents the only one still in my life. I called him out.

 

Now some back story, my father loves to argue over the most inane and stupid shit. He can regurgitate facts like the firing order of a Model A ford. Absolutely bordering on violent arguments over the most stupid shit. This all to avoid any real conversations with me.

 

Now before this email I had sent my fathers links to some of Stef's vids covering abuse and facing ones abusers. According to him he watched them. When asked he had no comment on them.

 

This was the email that I sent him.

 

One of the reasons we always argue is your avoidance to having any real communication with me.

 

I have been giving a lot of thought about how you reacted when I joked about being the one in charge of your health-care and well being if you got sick and could not make the decisions for yourself.

 

I know why you reacted the way you did even though you refuse to or cannot acknowledge it yourself.

When I was a helpless child in bed deep asleep, completely at your mercy, completely reliant on you for my life in every way you would at random times late into the night and early morning when my mother had not come home from work and was out screwing around you would storm into my room, turning the light on and mercilessly beat the shit out of me.

You used me as your punching bag for all your anger and hostility. A totally innocent child. Due to your beating I wet the bed well into my teens. Any noise or disturbance when I was asleep caused me to instantly awaken in a state of total fear. To this very day I am instantly awakened every night at the slightest sound I don’t recognize.

To this day I carry the anger and pain with me and daily work to be a better person then you and not resort to beating my children as an outlet for anger.

 

Years ago I tried talking to you about the beatings. Your response was that you “Compartmentalized your feelings as a way of dealing with it.”

 

You never dealt with anything.

 

Compartmentalizing is a way for an evil bastard to not take responsibility for the evil shit they have done. You never once in any way apologized to me for any of the abuse you heaped on me. Although I have to comment, funny how physical abuse stops when the target of your abuse gets big enough to punch your fucking lights out.

I also regret and feared that when I sent ****** and ****** on those trips with you, out of my sight and control you abused them also out of some sort of justification for an infraction of your rules or dictate.

 

This is why you were scared about me making medical decisions for you. Staring your own mortality in the face you were scared shitless at being held responsible for and being punished for the evil shit you did

 

 

So now keeping in mind Stef’s comments on the odds of getting a parent to admit what they did bordering on just below 0%

This was my fathers response,

 

“My memories are different than yours and I choose not to fight or argue.”

 

This from the man who can quote the most stupid fact.

 

WOW so it looks like it's time to DE FOO from him. For some reasion I thought I would give him a chance to work these things out and talk about them to me.

[madman]

wow is right. he uses you for a punching bag and now imagines himself to be ghandi (“My memories are different than yours and I choose not to fight or argue.”). looks like he has some real magical thinking going on. good job calling him to the carpet. now you know all you need to know about your father. it took courage to stand up to him and courage to post it here. good job on both counts. welcome to the board, g

 

.

[Alan C.]

Selective memory and gaslighting are common traits among abusers.

[Panzermk2]

wow is right. he uses you for a punching bag and now imagines himself to be ghandi (“My memories are different than yours and I choose not to fight or argue.”). looks like he has some real magical thinking going on. good job calling him to the carpet. now you know all you need to know about your father. it took courage to stand up to him and courage to post it here. good job on both counts. welcome to the board, g.

Yeah I was not really sure how he was going to respond. I figured a denail, but this is worse the denial.

[Carl Green]

 

WOW so it looks like it's time to DE FOO from him. For some reasion I thought I would give him a chance to work these things out and talk about them to me.

 

The reason for this is to gain a level of certainty.

 

Much sympathies, brother.

[Panzermk2]

Yeah he sent me another email and in it he references a conversation that we never had and facts I never knew that I somehow brought up in that conversation and used to terrify HIM!.

 

Years ago I went through this same crap with my mother. Back then I did not have the self knowledge I had a year ago let alone what I have now after discovering FDR. This level of mental illness is scary. Thankfully I am much better prepared to deal with it now.

 

The immense confusion I had decades ago when I DE-FOOd my mother is not present now. In fact my sense of self has never been clearer.

 

He can stay in his little sandbox of self created hell. I have a happy family that I work every day to make even happier, safe and secure from people like him.

[madman]

 

The immense confusion I had decades ago when I DE-FOOd my mother is not present now. In fact my sense of self has never been clearer.

 

He can stay in his little sandbox of self created hell. I have a happy family that I work every day to make even happier, safe and secure from people like him.

now you're talkin. you got clarity cuz you weren't afraid to tell pops what's real. good job. and good job keepin your family safe.

[Panzermk2]

Update: No change at all. He is about too undergo very dangerous surgery on his failing heart again, still will not admit, remember anything, yet is fishing for me to come to him in his hour of need. Still does not have the balls to ask why I don't let him within 3 feet of me since he does know the answer.

 

Could easily die under the knife and yet still refuses to own his actions.

[Drew.]

Update: No change at all. He is about too undergo very dangerous surgery on his failing heart again, still will not admit, remember anything, yet is fishing for me to come to him in his hour of need. Still does not have the balls to ask why I don't let him within 3 feet of me since he does know the answer.

 

Could easily die under the knife and yet still refuses to own his actions.

 

I feel for you. It sounds like you're in a tough situation, regardless of your current feelings toward your father. There is the trope, that in a situation of great vulnerability like this, an abusive person/parent will turn over a new leaf and change their ways.

 

He sounds like a monster. He sounds like a coward, too. I say this because he was abusing a child. He didn't go out and pick fights with people who were was strong as him or stronger. Now, when you are stating the truth of your experience and your (absolute lack of a) relationship, he simply cannot, will not face the truth. He's weak, and you are so much stronger. It sounds like you are experiencing a great deal of anger. I think that is appropriate and completely justified. I think that it would be wise for you to be aware that anger is an emotion that drives us to fight for change. I am going to guess, and I could absolutely be wrong here, that some part of you still wants to fight to change your father. I don't think that he will change. If he was capable of changing, he would have done it years ago. As I mentioned before, it sounds like he is afraid; he is too afraid to face the truth. If he cannot, will not face the truth, he will not change.

 

It also sounds very much like the childhood that you had is also the emotional world and life of your father. He is deeply afraid, and he inflicted that fear onto you. You did not deserve that kind of treatment. The only thing that you deserved was his love, and he completely failed to provide that. I am guessing, because he doesn't love himself, and therefore he cannot love another person.

 

I wish you the best. This is not an easy situation to be in.

[Panzermk2]

Thank you!

 

Yes you have summed it up very well.

 

Their is still a shred of me that wants him to have that "Come to Jesus moment"

 

There is though a large part of me that if he does would be WTF asshole why did you wait to now?

 

I am working on the anger. Every day I try to do better. It's not healthy and I don't want any of it doing more damage to my other relationships.

 

Thank you again!