The Red Prince Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 This is very interesting to me. Due to life's hardships, I found myself back at the Father's house-- who is living with my deathly ill grandmother. This is the house I grew up in from ages 14-18, and this is where I experienced the most emotional hardship. This is the house the divorce was announced, where I fought tooth and nail against the christian indoctrination, as well as retaining my sexuality. This is the house where I was accused of being a drug addict when I was doing nothing if the sort, this is the house where I ran away from at least twice. Right now I'm taking care of Grandma all day, whie Dad runs around doing his professional business/pleasure thing with his girlfriend all day and night. Ever since I have had a few breakthrough's in self-knowledge, I am curious as to why I suddenly cannot look at him. Out of my two parents, Dad was the more logical one, and we've had decent intellectual conversations (even though he did deal out the whippings when I was a child), but now just watching him gives me a very dark sense of aversion. I've been taking care of Grandma all day, and now Dad and his girlfriend swoop in and act as if I wasn't even there, I find this annoying to a great degree, moreso than I think it should, as if this moment is a symbol of a greater drama. Hopefully I can get some good opinions on where this sudden dark aversion has come from and why now. I know it has something to do my journey into self knowledge, but as for the reason.. it alludes me completely like the fog that once hid my True Self. Cheers. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drew. Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Man, I'm sorry. That sounds like a really difficult place to be in. I wouldn't want to be around someone who has beat me as a child, either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Green Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 maybe the closer you get to empathizing with your self about how your father raised you (self knowledge) the more you're going to be seeing him as accountable for all the things he's done to you that you didn't like. i.e., your aversion comes from switching from empathizing with your child self instead of with the person that abused that child self. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madman Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I've been taking care of Grandma all day, and now Dad and his girlfriend swoop in and act as if I wasn't even there, I find this annoying to a great degree, moreso than I think it should, as if this moment is a symbol of a greater drama. hey Red Prince. i've got a couple of guesses based on a couple of experiences. i may be way off but here goes. my father used the excuse of taking care of my grandfather to run away from trouble at home. every time mom wanted to talk dad would say i have to go help my dad and he'd split for a week or two. the whole time telling strangers he meets that he has to take care of his dad cuz he's sick. all i see is him trying to set a precedent to get me to do the same when he gets old. this is after i read ayn rand and told him if he can't take care of his self when he gets old he's on his own cuz i can hardly take care of myself. i told him before this show he was putting on that his old age would have no claim on my life. he was putting on a show and i could see right through it. so could my mother. the louder he proclaimed his altruism the more we knew it was an act. sounds like you're doing all the work and dad is flying in to see that everything is going just great for a couple of reasons. one, you're doing all the work two, people don't want to see their parents die cuz they know they're next. they don't want to face their own mortality. expecially christians. they want to believe like mulder in the x files but they're just as nutty as he is. three, you're earning your keep (he put a roof over your head) so he can work you like a rented mule takin care of grandma because it's an insane amount of work that nobody wants to do and he knows it. my ex got a call to come down and help with granny. she loved granny so she came. as soon as she got here she found out right quick that nobody else wanted to help with granny for the above listed reasons. her uncle and her mother ditched and she was left holdin the bag. granny got worse so the work got harder. she was here so uncle and mom didn't have to help anymore. they'd just make cameos once in a while to keep up the charade. ex got wore out quick cuz she got suckered by her family who all left her holdin the bag. they took advantage of her love for her granny. her life was on hold until granny got sick enough to go to a home and die. sorry to be so blunt but i don't know how else to say it. it's not like she was gonna get better and start takin care of herself. so you're back home where all this drama and trauma happened and you're chained to a dying woman for an indetermined amount of time at your father's behest cuz he's putting a roof over your head or it's the least you can do or you love your grandma don't you? she'd do the same for you and maybe she has already. regardless of whatever leverage pop used to volunteer you he's just too damn busy doin anything but lookin after his mom to face his own mortality and keep her from burnin the damn house down while he's gone. that was my ex's family. if that's you then you've got reason to be pissed. please forgive me if i'm wrong and tell me if i'm wrong but it looks like you got hornswaggled. it looks like dad is preying on your good nature and love for your grandma to do the dirty work while he tells everyone it's all good, i got this handled. bein back in that house is gotta be like livin a non-stop flashback. i can't imagine. i've still got so much rage for my parents now i couldn't be in the same room with them. if you're diggin around in your childhood then anger's gonna surface. maybe rage as well. maybe it's just disgust. you got a tough way to go if you stay there. the good news is you don't have to. hope this helps, g Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Red Prince Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 Well. Yes. I actually came upon the conclusion that I have been in fact duped last night, and course this isn't the first time-- but it is definitely the last time. Thinking objectively, from where I was living (away from my mother, father, and sister) I was in a perfect defoo position. Granted, I was living with my maternal grandmother, but I found an odd shelter in her reclusive personality, and she openly condemned my immediate family for kicking me out (yet again), the same day I briefly returned to self-harming myself. Long-story short, I gained weight, I was eating well, and saving my money very well from my summer job which payed quite well. I was meditating every night, creating music again... and then Father starts to reel me in again. I realize now that his actions have nothing to do with my actual well-being, because I Was doing quite well where I was, and he apparently had already made a secret deal with my maternal grandmother (who thought I was in on too) that I was set to leave in September, and of course I didn't find out about this until the end of August. So here I am, taking care of my other sick grandmother, with little to no financial support, in the house where I ran away from, and was thrown out of numerous times. For food alone I pretty much blew through my savings because there was no food in the house while she was hospitalized, and my Father refuses to hire me, since he was recently promoted and doesn't want there to be a "conflict of interest". Disgusting now that I think of it ,because this was where I had my Summer gig, and had worked my ass off to stand out for the specific purpose to be permanently hired. I play the violin. I'm making an album right now. My violin string broke. I'm virtually broke right now, so I ask if he could pay for another, guess what his response was? Not even a no, but NOTHING. Four times I have seriously spoke to him about my financial situation, and receive no advice or help, I have my poor grandmother grabbing her purse to give me bus fair, while she's getting getting financially destroyed by her medical expenses. The icing on the cake is that Father has just purchased another ticket to Africa... obviously expecting me and others to keep an eye his mother, but I REFUSE to sit broke, dependent, nearly starved, mentally unbalanced, misunderstood (did I mention I'm also a gay anarchist, atheist in a Christian household?), while everyone else literally eats off my youth! Mind you, at this point, I have already mentally defooed, it's just a matter a time before I save up enough money to make a clean escape. Truly, this is going to be fun a sick way... Father has told me he views everything as a chess game, literally, explaining his cold, calculated manipulation of people, but I'm better if I have to. I don't seek revenge against my abusers, once you've made it into that category I've lost interest in you as person-- it's finally time to make my final break, and even imagining this in my mind gives me a a great sense of relief, to finally be done with manipulation, to pain, to be open love, WHATEVER I WANT. What a novel idea, freedom. So anyway, on paper I suffer a net loss in every facet of my life being here, to the benefit of everyone else. This is unacceptable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HordOfTheFlies Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 i.e., your aversion comes from switching from empathizing with your child self instead of with the person that abused that child self. I would agree with this since this is what I think I have been experiencing personally. I have been having similar familial issues for many years and after finding FDR I now feel like I have some tools that are going to start making a difference. The biggest one has been the ability to think about my past in a way that reflects its true nature. Now that I have a better baseline, my reaction has been very negative towards my parents simply because I can now see their abuse in the light of day. As the quote says, there's no better disinfectant that sunlight. The big question I have been asking myself lately is why these people want me in their life. What are their true motives? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madman Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 What a novel idea, freedom. ya, what a novel idea. you can do this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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