Recovering from the false self.

[Wesley B]

Hello everyone. 

Normally, I am very proud and happy with who I am. I think I am a compassionate, virtuous, and empathetic person and I truly do love myself. I feel these things of course, only when I am embodying my true self (which is the vast majority of the time like 96%). However, recently i took a tumble into the false self and it has left me feeling guilty, disgusting, and like a ghost. It involved people which I knew in my past that i don't relate to at all anymore and who i haven't had the willingness to remove from my life as of yet.

 

Here's what happened:

 

My old "friend" (Who I met 8 years ago on World of Warcraft and never in real life) called me up and asked me if I wanted to play a board game with her and her friends over Skype. I had nothing to do today, i was bored, and liked the idea of the game they were playing so I agreed to play. I also don't have any real friends right now and I guess i was desperate to talk to someone. Over the past few months, Ive been slowly realizing that this friend of mine is a very childish and dysfunctional person and one who does not share my values and principals at all. Her friends that were with her were pretty much the same or even worse. They were the kind of people that have no real personality and only care about trivia, stupid cultural things, and trying obsess over things (IE. Video games, sports, politics, etc.) in a desperate attempt to feel important. They reminded me of people who go INSANE over sports. After a while of playing this game with them, i began to feel gross and very guilty. I think this is because i voluntarily agreed to lower myself from my true self to my false self by agreeing to participate in a game with these ghost people and becoming somewhat enmeshed in it (sorry if thats overly technical or too arrogant sounding haha)  I guess i didn't really know what i was getting into because i would normally NEVER hang out with these kinds of people in my life and i felt miserable throughout the whole experience. This whole thing my not sound like a really horrible experience, but it was for me and really effected me.

 

After I ended the Skype call with them i felt guilty, gross, and hated myself. The guilt and self hatred (I think) comes from not being my true self and recognizing it.

 

When I am in this state I am not able to love and respect myself (which I desperately need right now) and I am totally miserable. Most of the time I feel like I just need a big hug from someone i love to "make it all better" but i feel like that would not help at all right now because they would just be hugging a ghost. It would probably make me feel even worse and more guilty.

 

What I would love to know from people here is how to... well... recover from the false self. I need to regain the love and self respect that i have for myself. I feel like i need to be pulled up from the murky mud of the false self and back up to who I really am.

 

Thank you so very much!

EDIT: I meant to put this post in the "self-knowledge" section. very sorry

[Nathan H. Hoffner]

Hi there... First, I understand the feeling.  Can I ask what exactly do you feel so guilty about? Did you do any harm to anyone?  What is your inner-critic saying that's making you hate yourself?   What is it trying to accomplish?   Is it trying to help you in some way?   I'd say don't be too hard on yourself.  Try to be calm and examine your inner-world without judgement from that calm, understanding, loving place. If you can understand that your inner-critic is trying to help you, if you can empathize with it, it will be able to calm down because it will know that it is being heard.  Think of it as an opportunity to get to know yourself better and to learn from. Examine the decision you made, why you made it, and learn from how it made you feel afterwards... and do this from your true-self, which is calm and non-judgemental... and is instead very curious and empathetic.Maybe take a long walk.  Meditate.  Have a dialog with your inner-parts (the inner-critic, the hurt child, the true self, etc.).  What is the conversation like?  Maybe, eventually, listen to some of your favorite happy music and dance around and be in the moment!  Also, try not to be a slave to philosophy. We are allowed to make minor mistakes, as long as we are conscious of them and learn from them.  Anyway, these are some of the things I try to do and some thoughts I have.  Hope it helps.  Also, I recommend this book if you're having problems with feeling guilty and self-hatred.  I'm halfway through with no plans of stopping.   http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Your-Inner-Critic-Self-Therapy/dp/1604079428

 

Cheers,

Nathan

[Wuzzums]

When you're immunized against a disease the immune system can easily spot the disease on its next encounter and acts accordingly. As time goes on and no new encounter is made, the immune system slowly forgets all about the disease to the point your body becomes as susceptible to it as it first was before the immunization.

 

This is the same for me when I interact with people. I go out, suffer through the painfully dull experience and then tell myself "What a waste of time, I'm never doing that again". Then as time passes, I slowly find myself yearning for connection, for not being alone all the time and so on (happens about once a month or so for me). Then I go out and think to myself "Oh yeah, that's why I was spending so much time alone in my room, I was happy in my solitude". And the cycle repeats itself over and over.

 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. However I don't think my behavior is a result of insanity but of hope. Didn't you hope before entering the Skype call that you were wrong about those people too? That maybe this time it's gonna be different and maybe the world isn't as horrible as you thought it was? It's a terrible feeling you get when your hopes are crushed.

 

So how I go about all this business is by accepting it. I accept that I'm the only one to be blamed for being pulled back into the false self. I go in thinking I'll have a horrible time, that the people I'm with won't be very nice to me if I'm honest, and that I'll feel very bad for quite some time after. After everything goes as expected I get closure, the hope vanishes without any fuss and I no longer feel the need to interact with such people.

[Bipedal Primate]

Normally, I am very proud and happy with who I am. I think I am a compassionate, virtuous, and empathetic person and I truly do love myself. I feel these things of course, only when I am embodying my true self (which is the vast majority of the time like 96%). However, recently i took a tumble into the false self and it has left me feeling guilty, disgusting, and like a ghost. It involved people which I knew in my past that i don't relate to at all anymore and who i haven't had the willingness to remove from my life as of yet.What I would love to know from people here is how to... well... recover from the false self. I need to regain the love and self respect that i have for myself. I feel like i need to be pulled up from the murky mud of the false self and back up to who I really am.

I am happy to know that your true-self is well grounded 96% of the time, that's Great! Like you, I can go for long periods living my true-self, but recovery from childhood and adult trauma has not been a linear process for me. Through self-knowledge, I have identified the times in my past when I started losing my true-self due to a change in my external environment, and the cause was contact with toxic people. For me, no contact is the answer, but I too am *regrettably* guilty of letting toxic people back into my life. I now identify toxic people by asking myself three questions: Does contact with this person:1. lower my self esteem2. raise my anxiety3. Increase my confusion, sadness, rage, or despair If I answer yes to any of the above, and I have identified a pattern of behaviour, I have to consider that this person is toxic and consider no contact.Source: Are you skeptical that personality subselves run …:

Here is another insightful person who does an excellent job explaining self-knowledge and true self vs false self. I highly recommend watching a couple of his videos, I find them very inspirational. http://www.nurturingtruth.com/ I especially liked this one, there are layers of in depth analysis here: A Truth Behind Burning Man: http://youtu.be/lKrZrTOcPkGood luck, finding your way back to your true self, think of all the self-knowledge you have already gained through this experience, now you can reflect and ask yourself, "what can I do differently to avoid feeling like this again?"Much warmth :-)

[Wesley B]

Hi there... First, I understand the feeling.  Can I ask what exactly do you feel so guilty about? Did you do any harm to anyone?  What is your inner-critic saying that's making you hate yourself?   What is it trying to accomplish?   Is it trying to help you in some way?   I'd say don't be too hard on yourself.  Try to be calm and examine your inner-world without judgement from that calm, understanding, loving place. If you can understand that your inner-critic is trying to help you, if you can empathize with it, it will be able to calm down because it will know that it is being heard.  Think of it as an opportunity to get to know yourself better and to learn from. Examine the decision you made, why you made it, and learn from how it made you feel afterwards... and do this from your true-self, which is calm and non-judgemental... and is instead very curious and empathetic.Maybe take a long walk.  Meditate.  Have a dialog with your inner-parts (the inner-critic, the hurt child, the true self, etc.).  What is the conversation like?  Maybe, eventually, listen to some of your favorite happy music and dance around and be in the moment!  Also, try not to be a slave to philosophy. We are allowed to make minor mistakes, as long as we are conscious of them and learn from them.  Anyway, these are some of the things I try to do and some thoughts I have.  Hope it helps.  Also, I recommend this book if you're having problems with feeling guilty and self-hatred.  I'm halfway through with no plans of stopping.   http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Your-Inner-Critic-Self-Therapy/dp/1604079428

 

Cheers,

Nathan

 

Hello! Your words were very helpful Empathizing with my inner critic really helped me alot. It allowed me to calm down and realize that it was trying to help me. I definitely learned alot from this experience. I also noticed that I do have the tendency to be a total slave to philosophy never allowing or forgiving myself for making a mistake, but these mistakes are really valuable learning experiences and they have allowed me to better myself.

Thanks!

When you're immunized against a disease the immune system can easily spot the disease on its next encounter and acts accordingly. As time goes on and no new encounter is made, the immune system slowly forgets all about the disease to the point your body becomes as susceptible to it as it first was before the immunization.

This is so true. I have really not been around people in a very long time. I still recognized what kinds of people these were very quickly after talking to them but i guess i decided to give them a chance anyway. That was a big mistake and I (hopefully) wont make it again. Thank you!

 

Good luck, finding your way back to your true self, think of all the self-knowledge you have already gained through this experience, now you can reflect and ask yourself, "what can I do differently to avoid feeling like this again?"Much warmth :-)

 

Thank you so much! your words were very encouraging and helpful Having toxic people in my life has always been a huge problem. I was basically surrounded by them throughout my entire childhood. I too have realized that not having them in my life is the best answer and is the true path to happiness. Your 3 step process to identifying toxic people is very insightful and I will surely refer back to it. Over the past few months Ive been doing alot of self reflection and self knowledge and it has been extremely enlightening  Being in the false self is one of the worst feelings ever and im doing everything I can to never be in that state again.

Thank you!

[giancoli]

Hi, talked to you a little bit on the chat yesterday 

 

Hmm I really want to give you something insightful, but I'm not sure I'm able to.

I think it's important to distinguish between plain boring people or stupid people and evil people who plays dirty and brings you down.

Sounds from what you wrote that these people fell into the former category? Off course if you don't gain anything positive out of it then there's no reason to continue. But I don't think you should feel guilty or ashamed. You are a separate human being.

From personal experience I have regretted several times to not simply just saying out loud what I think and feel. You could have simply stated that you were not enjoying your self and why you were not and that you did not want to finish the game. Sometimes when you do some activity then people get all caught up, but it takes strength and courage to take a step back and say that you are simply not enjoying ur self. Then what can happen is that people who seemed to enjoy themselves were really not, and people who seemed secure starts looking all confused and unsure. You can tell alot from the reactions you get by doing that I think.

 

The true and false self stuff I don't know anything about, well I'm trying to learn about it. Someone helped me out with a link to the book by Alice Miller called 'the drama of the gifted child'.

Maybe you can check it out. Personally I'm a little skeptical towards the concept of a true and false self. Not saying it is untrue, only that I'm skeptical of it.

 

Here's the link to the book:

http://www.psych.yorku.ca/eavitzur/documents/Dramaofthegiftedchild.pdf

[Lingum]

It sounds like the other posters have already given you a lot of good information, so I just want to point one thing out. I think you've gained something from this situation. You've gotten confirmation that you're on the right track. You are more aware of the people you engage with, and you can tell when you aren't true to yourself. You found that you didn't like it, which means you will be hesitant about doing it again. I don't think you failed and should feel guilty, because it seems like you're continually making progress. It's natural to be tempted and hope dysfunctional people will finally satisfy your needs, but that temptation will go away as it sinks in that they won't.

 

 

 

I don't think feeling guilty about this will help you with being your true self. It sounds like it could be a distraction, rather. You don't have to perform any rituals or shame yourself after this. You can just allow yourself to experience the thoughts and feelings this event brought up, and accept them. You're already on the right track.

[Wesley B]

Hi, talked to you a little bit on the chat yesterday 

 

Hmm I really want to give you something insightful, but I'm not sure I'm able to.

I think it's important to distinguish between plain boring people or stupid people and evil people who plays dirty and brings you down.

Sounds from what you wrote that these people fell into the former category? Off course if you don't gain anything positive out of it then there's no reason to continue. But I don't think you should feel guilty or ashamed. You are a separate human being.

From personal experience I have regretted several times to not simply just saying out loud what I think and feel. You could have simply stated that you were not enjoying your self and why you were not and that you did not want to finish the game. Sometimes when you do some activity then people get all caught up, but it takes strength and courage to take a step back and say that you are simply not enjoying ur self. Then what can happen is that people who seemed to enjoy themselves were really not, and people who seemed secure starts looking all confused and unsure. You can tell alot from the reactions you get by doing that I think.

 

The true and false self stuff I don't know anything about, well I'm trying to learn about it. Someone helped me out with a link to the book by Alice Miller called 'the drama of the gifted child'.

Maybe you can check it out. Personally I'm a little skeptical towards the concept of a true and false self. Not saying it is untrue, only that I'm skeptical of it.

 

Here's the link to the book:

http://www.psych.yorku.ca/eavitzur/documents/Dramaofthegiftedchild.pdf

 

Hey Thank you for reminding me that I am a separate human being from these people. I think i definitely needed to hear that. I also think you are right in that I should have just left if i wasn't enjoying myself. At the very least i could have just made up an excuse and left. Ill be sure to respect my feelings more next time. Huge thanks for your words and the link!

It sounds like the other posters have already given you a lot of good information, so I just want to point one thing out. I think you've gained something from this situation. You've gotten confirmation that you're on the right track. You are more aware of the people you engage with, and you can tell when you aren't true to yourself. You found that you didn't like it, which means you will be hesitant about doing it again. I don't think you failed and should feel guilty, because it seems like you're continually making progress. It's natural to be tempted and hope dysfunctional people will finally satisfy your needs, but that temptation will go away as it sinks in that they won't.

 

 

 

I don't think feeling guilty about this will help you with being your true self. It sounds like it could be a distraction, rather. You don't have to perform any rituals or shame yourself after this. You can just allow yourself to experience the thoughts and feelings this event brought up, and accept them. You're already on the right track.

Hello!

Your words have been very helpful. I have a huge tendency to feel guilty. I tend to really beat myself up over things sometimes. The hardest and most painful part is that when i feel like im not myself, its impossible for me to love myself, let alone anyone else. I will do my best to try and be easier on myself in the future. Thank you

[Heam]

Wesley, it is extremely important to listen to your instincts and first impression. The reason why you felt disgusted after breaking contact with those people is because within them exists something very scary that your subconscious is warning you against. It's punishing you with those negative feelings so that you do not re-engage them. Not that I need to tell you this, but let that be your compass.