One Way Relationship

[mjdsharks]

I wasn't sure where to post this so I picked this category. I hope it is appropriate.

 

I am not sure what to do about my brother so I thought I would come here to see what you insightful folks have to say. For years, my relationship with my younger brother has essentially been a "one way street". I am 32 years of age and he is 29 so I think it is safe to say this started in my early 20s and has continued ever since. I probably ask my brother to "hang out" once a week and if he ever commits to it, he cancels about an hour before. We have played on the same hockey team for years so we do see each other, but as far as a relationship goes, I know very little about him. Within the last year, the disease I have that was causing cancer was put into remission by alternative medicines. He has had no intrigue into the fact that I was developing cancer and had a 30% chance of living past 5 years if and when the cancer developed. I have tried to discuss non-aggression, his views on politics, religion, philosophy, society; all to no avail. I have attempted to engage him in "shallower" type hang-outs where we just watch a sporting event or something like that. I have thought about this for hours and haven't come up with anything to do. I know there essentially is nothing I can do (forcing him), but I do want to approach him about his behavior. I have attempted in the recent past to ask him why he seems disconnected and distant and he simply replies that he has 2 children and a full-time job. It is my sincere opinion that is a just a cover because most of us have similar responsibilities and yet have time to develop some amazingly deep, loving relationships. If anyone has a similar story and has some advice, feel free to offer it up. A thousand thanks in advance.

 

Thank you.

MJD

[Tyler Durden]

So you want advice on how to deal with someone who doesn't want to hang out with you, hasn't been interested in that for over a decade, and has nothing interesting to say?

[PGP]

Firstly, sorry to hear about your illness and secondly, great to hear that you are doing well. 

I can say fairly confidently that your experience mirrors my experience with my eldest brother, there being twelve years between us. 

It was only at the beginning of this year after getting a little distance from him that I realised what a fool I had been with him. Down through the years, he had done me a few spiteful turns but the family was so tumultuous this was the least of my worries and  I had what I thought of at the time as a genuine affection for him. He was my eldest brother and I looked up to him.  The cloudiness in my thinking toward him blinded me to his attitude and actions toward me. This culminated last year when, after getting him a job, loaning him a van to drive, paying the tax and insurance on the van and giving him a loan on the long finger for training to do  the job, I found myself badly in need of support from him on a fairly serious personal situation I found myself in. Emotional and social support and understanding.

It was not forthcoming. Indeed, it was at this point that I realised I was ignoring for years what he had openly said, that he didn't give a damn about anyone else. His phrase was always the one from Pirates of the Caribbean (I think): "Take everything, give nothing back". 

With a little distance, I could see he had deep resentment for me for a number of reasons. One of the main reasons was that I had passed him out in life. I looked for opportunities to help him. He looked for opportunities to tear me down.

The tag on the end of my comments here is important to me: By their deeds you shall know them". 

If you have made the efforts and there has been no reciprocation, this is a good indication. The fact that he showed the attitude towards your illness is very indicative.

It is not that I have de-fooed from him aswell as others (before I came across FDR btw), it is that I just stopped being the doormat, the initiator of effort, the supplier of resources gratis, the workhorse, the placator. 

My relationship with him was a self-dillusion and in the rear-view mirror, it becomes more insignificant every-day in my thoughts.

I hope this helps.

 

Edit: Just to be clear, I am cognisant that my own behaviour in this relationship and my choices need to be dealt with and explored and that is what I am starting to do now, hopefully with therapy soon. 

[SamtheSinger]

I had a very similar relationship with my little brother. I would ask him to get together over and over again, and he would always say "I'd like to, but we're just too busy right now" then I'd see pics of him spending the day with friends at the zoo, etc.

 

I chased him for years, sending overly generous birthday gifts, offering to bring dinner over so my wife and I could see him and his kids. It was always on his terms, he was never grateful, and in hindsight I was just deaf to his "No".

 

I took the weekend off to help him move, and he came out of the house to find me talking with the neighbor. He just barked at me "if you're just gonna stand around I don't f***ing need you here!". In hindsight, that was one of the kindest things he did for me because it finally caused me to see the truth about our relationship. He didn't care about me, and he wasn't about to start regardless of what I did.

 

I told him to f off and left, and I haven't looked back. I'm much better off without him in my life. I don't recommend being rude, but it seems like your brother is telling you quite plainly what he wants.

 

You might ask yourself why you want a relationship with a person who is so selfish. If you have to initiate everything, it isn't a friendship.

I had a very similar relationship with my little brother. I would ask him to get together over and over again, and he would always say "I'd like to, but we're just too busy right now" then I'd see pics of him spending the day with friends at the zoo, etc.

 

I chased him for years, sending overly generous birthday gifts, offering to bring dinner over so my wife and I could see him and his kids. It was always on his terms, he was never grateful, and in hindsight I was just deaf to his "No".

 

I took the weekend off to help him move, and he came out of the house to find me talking with the neighbor. He just barked at me "if you're just gonna stand around I don't f***ing need you here!". In hindsight, that was one of the kindest things he did for me because it finally caused me to see the truth about our relationship. He didn't care about me, and he wasn't about to start regardless of what I did.

 

I told him to f off and left, and I haven't looked back. I'm much better off without him in my life. I don't recommend being rude, but it seems like your brother is telling you quite plainly what he wants.

 

You might ask yourself why you want a relationship with a person who is so selfish. If you have to initiate everything, it isn't a friendship.

[QueechoFeecho]

What are you seeking from the relationship?  and why select him?  It doesn't sound he is willing to be the kind of counterparty to a relationship of the kind you want, so what you pursuing it for?

[mjdsharks]

I guess I am pursuing because he is my brother and at one point we were close. I guess I was just looking for someone with a similar scenario and hoping someone could have some advice on how to speak to him for him to realize that his relationships fall by the wayside because of his behavior. Our relationship isn't the only one that has had this sort of fate. Thanks.

[lifegoesonbrah]

I guess I am pursuing because he is my brother and at one point we were close. I guess I was just looking for someone with a similar scenario and hoping someone could have some advice on how to speak to him for him to realize that his relationships fall by the wayside because of his behavior. Our relationship isn't the only one that has had this sort of fate. Thanks.

 

I am facing the same thing with my cousin. I have wrote him how I felt recently, which he has ignored, and I plan to end contact with him. I think this might be the best approach in this situation, it isn't fair to you to continue chasing an abusive relationship, he may one day come to terms with his behavior if you let him know why you are cutting him out of your life and do so accordingly. It is not fair to you or the people that actually care for you to waste any more of your time with him, spend your energy on those who care about you.

 

I recently injured myself rollerblading like a dumbass, I broke several ankle and foot bones and I had to have surgery and am looking at serious recovery time. Laying here in bed has given me a lot of time to reflect on myself and my relationships. My cousin, which I always thought to be very close as we spent a lot of time together, hasn't shown any concern to my situation. I told him I was going in for surgery on facebook and he sent me pictures of his jeep that he's been working on. His behavior has revealed to me a pattern, whenever I am on hard times he abandons me. 2 years ago my mother was dying of cancer and he shut me out as well. He used to stay at my house several nights a week because it was a shorter drive to his work, I moved my mom in to care for her and he didn't come around for 5 months until she had passed. He completely abandoned me at the hardest time of my life.

 

Shortly after my mom passed his girlfriend broke up with him and rightfully so, he was always verbally abusive and cheated on her. I stood by him and listened to his bullshit anyway for some reason without confronting him with his behavior and how he treated her. It was always one sided, he always moped around and wanted to talk about his problems and never showed any interest in me and how I felt.

 

Anyways I regret all the time I  wasted with him and I should've written him off long ago. I guess I felt bad because he comes from an extremely fucked up family and I had hope for him. I guess the life lesson is that all of the time I wasted with him I could've spent with people that have always been there for me.