Forever alone

[EricBaker.Linux]

I am not sure I will ever be able to make friends, connect, or get married and I am sad about that.

 

I try to connect with some people. But it never lasts I guess.

 

I just want to give up.

 

I am in counselling again which is provided by my college.

[ancapzeebo]

You have self-knowledge, they don't.  Hard to connect with those people.  I hope you find more rational and empathetic people in your life, brother.  

[spacedisback]

Eric, you will. (Trust me).

 

Besides, as glum as it sounds you are better off a totally free man, than one who is weighed down by the pressures and maintenance of false friends and relationships.

 

Just look to those people around you unhappily married, or in the middle of large social groups but completely unsatisfied with themselves or with life.

 

You on the other hand have no one to answer to but yourself. You have the opportunity to build yourself into the person you want to become, the person that people of true value will come to value the moment you have become that person you so desire to become.

 

It's a fight, my friend. It's a daily struggle, but it's a war you will eventually win. Keep fighting buddy.

[Drew.]

I'm sorry, man. Such is the road of self-exploration. In my own journey, the more that I've grown to connect with myself, the more that I've been able to connect with others--even if they do lack self-knowledge. I understand that you want to give up. I've felt that way at times too.

 

Do you journal? I find my journal is a good place to help express and explore these kinds of thoughts and feelings.

 

I hope that your counselling helps. If not, I extend an invitation to you for my own services, as someone who has walked and still walks the road himself.

[Psychophant]

I am not sure I will ever be able to make friends, connect, or get married and I am sad about that.I try to connect with some people. But it never lasts I guess.I just want to give up.I am in counselling again which is provided by my college.

 

That´s great, "forever alone" is better than being forever lonely. Let alone only benefitting a woman by marrying her.  I know it is hip to be Stef but is way hipper to be yourself.   Maybe you are an extrovert, those strange people who feel lonely when alone, which means the opposite is true.

[HordOfTheFlies]

I am not sure I will ever be able to make friends, connect, or get married and I am sad about that.I try to connect with some people. But it never lasts I guess.I just want to give up.I am in counselling again which is provided by my college.

 

I'm sorry that you feel this way.  I've also had to struggle with these issues for a very long time and I know it can be extremely difficult.  Connecting with people seems impossible to me at times.  I just feel so outside the norm.  FDR is giving me some tools to help deal with this so I hope it is helping you as well.

 

What's it like for you when you try to connect with other people?  What kind of a connection are you trying to make and how do they perceive it?  You said they don't last, but have you thought about why?

 

These are some of the questions I need to be asking myself.

[Blackfish64]

I'm forever alone and I love it.  Wouldn't have it any other way.  I like to work alone, think alone, ride bike alone, walk alone, eat alone, do just about everything alone.  Solitude seeker here.  Nothing wrong with being alone.  I don't even see other people most of the time.  It's like they don't even exist.    

 

Currently, I am looking for ways to make money online so that I can work at home-alone.  Sick of going to work.  I hate going to work.  People are boring.  Jobs are boring.  I love it when I can work at my own pace and do what I want to do.   

 

Having sex is better with a partner however.  I like to masturbate, but sex with a partner, or two, or three, whenever possible, is better than doing it alone.  But partners aren't always available.  If I have time for it, I will do the research and find a good pro to meet with for fun and games.      

[FireWarrior89]

I don't know anything about you so i'll try to give you my two cents.

 

I am not sure I will ever be able to make friends, connect, or get married and I am sad about that.

-We persist, because we must. Sorrow will compel one to do so.

 

I try to connect with some people. But it never lasts I guess. 

-Perhaps those connections were not meant to last. They have freed you to continue the long and hard search to find other connections that will bring you joy. 

 

I just want to give up.

-Give up what? life? pursuing relationships with others?

When I feel like giving up on life, I buy a pack of smokes. When I feel like giving up on relationships, I think for a moment about how awful it would be for me to live alone in a self made log cabin, or a cave, living off what ever animals I could catch, and forage I could find. I think I'll stick it out in "civilization".

 

I am in counselling again which is provided by my college.

-Counsel - advice, especially given formally.

You have all kinds of people to whom you can seek counsel with. I imagine this might be a good place for such counsel.

 

 

I have felt the very same before, to the degree in which I wouldn't leave the house for days-weeks at a time unless to get food or other necessities and lived off my savings. Having next to no social life is a great way to save money by the way.

I felt ashamed and depressed that I could count the people whom I deemed friend on one hand. I later realize that what other people defined as "friend", Is more accurately defined as "acquaintance" (get the Dictionary App, its totally worth it). I now consider this lack of "friends" as defined by others to be a good thing.

Shameless advertisement warning: Which means I have more time to listen to freedomain radio.

 

Now, more about me.

The other day at the Public Pool, I was listening "Stef Bot" on my headphones, causing me to laugh out loud. The man who was sitting on the chair next to me inquired about what I listening to. I then tried to convey the idea that amused me to him (poorly I might add). That turned into conversation which eventually turned into one of the most honest, open, deep, variant and intimate conversations I've ever had with my life. One never knows when they will find this kind of encounter. I try to be happy, laugh and smile, enjoy myself, then patient, curious, nonjudgemental, and empathetic with others. 

[cynicist]

It's hard, but condemning yourself to loneliness is not much of an alternative.

[Leevan]

I am not sure I will ever be able to make friends, connect, or get married and I am sad about that. I try to connect with some people. But it never lasts I guess. I just want to give up. I am in counselling again which is provided by my college.

Why are you sad about being alone? What do you want from friends or a partner?

[Blackfish64]

Always bear in mind of course there is a difference between being "lonely" and being "alone".  I am always alone.  But loneliness hits me only on very, very rare occasions when I find myself needing someone to talk to, but no one is there.  That sucks the weenie when it hits, but I get over it quickly; or if I am lucky enough to find a girl with a little bit of a brain I can talk to and help cure the loneliness for another few months.  I can get it all out of my system and get back to living with a clear head.

 

I think it accurate to say that we all need someone to talk to and/or to love sooner or later.  Even the hard-core solitude seekers, like myself, gotta have it sometimes. 

[kalmia]

I spent so many years without anyone to connect with me that I became very comfortable being alone. I still wanted connection despite being able to tune out that desire. I have been able to find people to connect with, but being by myself has become so much the norm that I don't do it much. I wonder if I have positioned myself as someone people chase for attention and connection now. Chasing someone's attention is not connection.

[EmperorNero]

I am not sure I will ever be able to make friends, connect, or get married and I am sad about that. I try to connect with some people. But it never lasts I guess. I just want to give up. I am in counselling again which is provided by my college.

Do you actually feel lonely, or just abstractly feel you should connect? I don't have many connections either, but I don't get lonely.

[EricBaker.Linux]

Do you actually feel lonely, or just abstractly feel you should connect? I don't have many connections either, but I don't get lonely.

I was feeling pretty lonely when I wrote this post, yeah.

[EmperorNero]

What is it that practically keeps you from having friends and relationships? Do they reject you or are you too anxious to ask? I can interact with people, but it feels like a chore. I don't get the point of it and I get no enjoyment out of it. So I don't really feel particularly motivated to go out and interact. I'm curious what keeps someone who does seem to have the desire from just walking out and talking to people for, say, a few hours a day.

[EricBaker.Linux]

What is it that practically keeps you from having friends and relationships? Do they reject you or are you too anxious to ask? I can interact with people, but it feels like a chore. I don't get the point of it and I get no enjoyment out of it. So I don't really feel particularly motivated to go out and interact. I'm curious what keeps someone who does seem to have the desire from just walking out and talking to people for, say, a few hours a day.

I'm not going to lie, in retrospect, I think this is sort of in a way masochistic thinking. "poor me I don't have friends."  but I do not do anything to change it or examine anything in myself. Then I might blame others.

 

The solution is to go out and meet people, like you said. But then this is what keeps me from doing it: I predict that it will turn out badly and conclude that I shouldn't do it. I think I need to disagree with myself.

 

For instance, if I want to idk, go to a coffee shop and try to talk to someone, I will think "it is not worth it, I will just buy coffee and people will think I'm weird if I try and talk to them" so I must then say, "well so what, sometimes things don't work out perfectly, I want to at least try, and I can always try again. but it might work out anyway" I think that this thinking is more rational perhaps. Don't you think?

[EmperorNero]

Oh, you talk yourself out of it, I see. I'm no mental health professional, so you shouldn't blindly take my word for it, but my first advice is do a lot of breath focus meditation, to reduce that negative self-talk. Just look up a guide online. You will notice that that inner chatter isn't really voluntary and you don't have to listen to it. Just go out regardless of what it says. Make it suck, who cares. You have the right to be weird. In fact, you have to collect 1000 weirdness-points before you can move on to the next level. So the more you get the better! As long as you don't get yourself beaten up or arrested it's fine. You will notice, people are pretty sheepish and nobody cares what you do.

Then, go out and talk to people... and fail. Start slow. If you have barriers, reduce the difficulty. If you have to, just ask loads of old ladies for the clock. Then move on to short conversations. Just doing a few conversations unstifles your brain. Aim to fail, that's how you improve. The best advice I ever got on the topic is: "You know that guy in the bar who is drunk and just starts blabbering? Be that guy."

The issue here is that we are so conditioned by society to be predictable. We are trained from our earliest days to never make people think. At the coffee shop, please stand in line quietly, look to the ground and don't do anything that might force people out of their auto pilot. Everyone, from parents to teachers, wanted us to be one thing: manageable. We're supposed to be like eggs: all the same shape and placed in neat rows for easy storage. It's not that we think that being weird will turn out badly for us, that's just the brain rationalizing what we are conditioned to do. It's that we are too fucking polite to not be a zombie. People want you to be easily understood. They don't want to process new stuff. But as a human being you have the right to be that undefineable shit that they don't understand. I mean, they see themselves qualified to force statism down your throat, why should you be so damn polite?

[Blackfish64]

quote name="Eric.Linux" post="391699" timestamp="1417989766"]I'm not going to lie, in retrospect, I think this is sort of in a way masochistic thinking. "poor me I don't have friends." but I do not do anything to change it or examine anything in myself. Then I might blame others.

 

The solution is to go out and meet people, like you said. But then this is what keeps me from doing it: I predict that it will turn out badly and conclude that I shouldn't do it. I think I need to disagree with myself.

 

For instance, if I want to idk, go to a coffee shop and try to talk to someone, I will think "it is not worth it, I will just buy coffee and people will think I'm weird if I try and talk to them" so I must then say, "well so what, sometimes things don't work out perfectly, I want to at least try, and I can always try again. but it might work out anyway" I think that this thinking is more rational perhaps. Don't you think?

 

When you say that things will turn out badly you are right. Meetings with people often do turn out badly. But that is the normal course of life and the natural order of things. We're not always going to get along with everyone we meet. So go take your chances and have your fun and let things turn out badly. And when they do move on to the next meeting and you will have plenty of good ones too.

 

We can't expect to never cry and have everything we want when we want it and everything turn out just beautifully every time we make an attempt. Failure is what we do most of and failure is what we do best. Get used to it but also get used to your successes and enjoy them.

 

As for the coffee shop idea, I think it's a bad idea. I think you would be better off getting involved with groups of people who are involved in something that you are interested in. For example, if you like computers, join the computer club. If you like hiking in the wilderness, join the wilderness club. This is always a better way to meet people than just randomly going out and about hoping to meet someone to talk to. When you join clubs you have a ready-made audience and a ready-made group of people who are ready willing and able in fact eager to talk about the things that you want to talk about because your interests are all the same. If nothing else that is a good place to start. Enjoy.

 

What exactly kinds of people are you trying to meet? And what do you hope to do with them once you meet them?

[EricBaker.Linux]

Oh, you talk yourself out of it, I see. I'm no mental health professional, so you shouldn't blindly take my word for it, but my first advice is do a lot of breath focus meditation, to reduce that negative self-talk. Just look up a guide online. You will notice that that inner chatter isn't really voluntary and you don't have to listen to it. Just go out regardless of what it says. Make it suck, who cares. You have the right to be weird. In fact, you have to collect 1000 weirdness-points before you can move on to the next level. So the more you get the better! As long as you don't get yourself beaten up or arrested it's fine. You will notice, people are pretty sheepish and nobody cares what you do.

Then, go out and talk to people... and fail. Start slow. If you have barriers, reduce the difficulty. If you have to, just ask loads of old ladies for the clock. Then move on to short conversations. Just doing a few conversations unstifles your brain. Aim to fail, that's how you improve. The best advice I ever got on the topic is: "You know that guy in the bar who is drunk and just starts blabbering? Be that guy."

The issue here is that we are so conditioned by society to be predictable. We are trained from our earliest days to never make people think. At the coffee shop, please stand in line quietly, look to the ground and don't do anything that might force people out of their auto pilot. Everyone, from parents to teachers, wanted us to be one thing: manageable. We're supposed to be like eggs: all the same shape and placed in neat rows for easy storage. It's not that we think that being weird will turn out badly for us, that's just the brain rationalizing what we are conditioned to do. It's that we are too fucking polite to not be a zombie. People want you to be easily understood. They don't want to process new stuff. But as a human being you have the right to be that undefineable shit that they don't understand. I mean, they see themselves qualified to force statism down your throat, why should you be so damn polite?

 

Right, I talk myself out of it... thanks a bunch I will look up those techniques. Also, I loved that you said I need to get 1000 points to get to the next level haha. I agree that maybe I need not worry so much about being normal or predictable etc... This was really helpful for me.

quote name="Eric.Linux" post="391699" timestamp="1417989766"]I'm not going to lie, in retrospect, I think this is sort of in a way masochistic thinking. "poor me I don't have friends." but I do not do anything to change it or examine anything in myself. Then I might blame others.

 

The solution is to go out and meet people, like you said. But then this is what keeps me from doing it: I predict that it will turn out badly and conclude that I shouldn't do it. I think I need to disagree with myself.

 

For instance, if I want to idk, go to a coffee shop and try to talk to someone, I will think "it is not worth it, I will just buy coffee and people will think I'm weird if I try and talk to them" so I must then say, "well so what, sometimes things don't work out perfectly, I want to at least try, and I can always try again. but it might work out anyway" I think that this thinking is more rational perhaps. Don't you think?

 

When you say that things will turn out badly you are right. Meetings with people often do turn out badly. But that is the normal course of life and the natural order of things. We're not always going to get along with everyone we meet. So go take your chances and have your fun and let things turn out badly. And when they do move on to the next meeting and you will have plenty of good ones too.

 

We can't expect to never cry and have everything we want when we want it and everything turn out just beautifully every time we make an attempt. Failure is what we do most of and failure is what we do best. Get used to it but also get used to your successes and enjoy them.

 

As for the coffee shop idea, I think it's a bad idea. I think you would be better off getting involved with groups of people who are involved in something that you are interested in. For example, if you like computers, join the computer club. If you like hiking in the wilderness, join the wilderness club. This is always a better way to meet people than just randomly going out and about hoping to meet someone to talk to. When you join clubs you have a ready-made audience and a ready-made group of people who are ready willing and able in fact eager to talk about the things that you want to talk about because your interests are all the same. If nothing else that is a good place to start. Enjoy.

 

What exactly kinds of people are you trying to meet? And what do you hope to do with them once you meet them?

 

Thank you too, I can't expect to always have everything I want when I want it. I can fail. This was also helpful perspective for me.

 

I think I will need to join clubs like you said. I love both computers and walking in the woods as a matter of fact xD

[EmperorNero]

Right, I talk myself out of it... thanks a bunch I will look up those techniques. Also, I loved that you said I need to get 1000 points to get to the next level haha. I agree that maybe I need not worry so much about being normal or predictable etc... This was really helpful for me.

I successfully overcame the very issues you talk about this year. And yeah, that's how you do it. Also, you will notice yourself change the more you go out and talk to people, so try it.