Confessions of an Anxious Online Gamer

[AKeinick]

I wrote the following journal entry today, I thought I'd post it here to see what anyone might have to say about it:

 

Currently at bus stop to go to the internet cafe because I'm bored. Finished the work history portion of my resume, spent 20 dollars, more than I can afford, on a tasty but small Vietnamese meal. Currently feeling anxiety about going to the internet cafe to play my favourite computer game "LoL". I'm currently ranked silver 2 in LoL, highest rank I've ever been, I recently came off an in game suspension for verbal abuse which also said 'Only Warning' as i have a tendency to get frusterated with my team mates mis steps, mis plays, or other actions they take which i may disagree with and i often get downright abusive in my interactions with them, especially if they initiate abusive speech towards me, i act like oh this time they ASKED for it. I rocketed up the rankings immediately after the ban mostly due to increased care while playing and renewed excitement about the game, while also refraining from 'rageing' at other players which destroys team play and actually causes more losses statistically than skill deficiencies. The anxiety is REAL. I feel like there is other stuff I should be doing instead and that my anxiety will impede my progress in the game. I am also worried that I will stay too late and fail to get a good enough sleep before picking up my son for the day tomorrow. I NEED to get a better job because I need to better support my son, who I have limited access to, haven't seen a doctor in years, or a dentist, and I need therapy. I should thus be finishing my resume instead of going to the internet cafe.... Two seconds after writing that last statement, the bus pulled up and I got on it anyway. Now I'm on my way to the heroin shop (metaphor for video games instead of doing what needs to be done. I think the anxiety feels less so since the decision is made but, of course, it is still there in the background. The part I can't really figure out is that I am ostensibly going there so I can attempt to increase my rank in the game to gold (currently ranked silver), but its very competitive and I feel like the state I'm in actually makes it far more likely that I will decrease in rank as a result of playing. Especially if I slide back into the abusive pre suspension behaviour which earned said suspension and has kept me down in the ranks in general.

 

6 hours later, I just got home, I lost almost every game I played and fell in the ranks as predicted, got less than nothing done and am now up slightly later than is optimal though its not as late as I worried it might end up being. I don't feel the anxiety as much as earlier, though its still there a bit.

 

If anyone actually took the time to read this, thank you a ton. Please let me know what kind of feelings you may have felt while, or after reading it, maybe they will give me some insight into mine. Any questions or propositions are most welcome. I'll check back tomorrow. Thanks again

[Marco]

Oh, I've been there and I sympathize. The difference is you have a son, which makes it much more urgent.

 

As a short term solution, you can delete your account.

 

You write that the anxiety is real and I believe you. I think it is totally logical for you to feel anxiety. It's not logical if you think of it in terms of not playing a game. That wouldn't cause anxiety. But it is perfectly logical if you think about it as a feeling from your past. Try to recognize that that feeling comes from your childhood. When did you feel anxiety as a child?

 

YES, go to a doctor, dentist and most importantly a therapist. Also read a lot of books, which is almost free (book recommendations on my blog). Read reader's mail and articles on alice-miller.com. You can only free yourself from gaming addiction by treating the root cause.

[shirgall]

Modern video games like League of Legends rely on carefully-researched reward systems that make them addictive, and there's a ton of research on that. My favorite is this article in Cracked: http://www.cracked.com/article_18461_5-creepy-ways-video-games-are-trying-to-get-you-addicted.html

 

If it helps, learn from the tactics the games use and turn your own life into a series of achievements and rewards. One common problem is that people set goals that are seemingly unattainable or too far away. Like the games have daily and weekly quests, set some of those for yourself. Apply to 3 jobs this week. Get 3 people to review your resume.

 

Another tactic is timeboxing. Build yourself a daily schedule and say, "I will spend no more than 3 hours playing League, starting at 7pm" by boxing out the time. Timeboxing is all about spending no more than a specified amount of time on something. This usually meant to stop analysis paralysis or time-wasting meetings, but it can be applied to almost anything.

 

It is clear your gameplay benefitted most from mindfulness. Spend a little time thinking about your strategy. Strategy in this case is more about what you won't do rather than what you will do. Catch yourself and course correct, as it seemed to have produced results.

 

Anything else? Yeah, yell at me because I'm not working on my own job search right now.

[dsayers]

Reason = virtue = happiness. As I read, I noticed a strong, recurring theme: Lack of honesty with yourself.

 

Before I get into that, I want you to know that I can relate. I played WoW for a long time and grew to despise anything that could be described as group play. When you enter group play, you HAVE TO accept that your success is no longer determined by your skill/effort alone. Otherwise, you will experience anxiety. Additionally, if the people you are teamed up with are random strangers and not people you've developed co-operation with, know to be skilled, etc again, the likelihood you will achieve your goal will diminish. If you're not honest with yourself about this, you're going to experience anxiety.

 

am now up slightly later than is optimal though its not as late as I worried it might end up being.

 

I found this quote to be most telling of all. "Optimal" and "might end up being" is impersonal language. You speak as if it's something that's not in your control. This perception will provide anxiety as it's a rejection of reality. Furthermore, viewing something as out of your control renders you powerless to correct it.

 

Did your parents control such aspects of your life? Did they ever negotiate with you and/or groom you for making such decisions on your own? Could it be that you would harm yourself in this fashion in an attempt to have control over SOMETHING after growing up not having control? Do you view spending so much time on something you're not enjoying and/or spending too much on food while you don't have a job and you do have a son to be dysfunctional? Would you (if you felt you had a choice) choose to inflict that dysfunction on your son so that later in his life, he will experience this same, seemingly unexplainable misery?

 

Yeah, you could do things like set goals and manage your time. If you do not pursue self-knowledge though, you'll only be managing the symptoms rather than working towards a cure.

[massaki]

I know the feeling man. I played league and freaked out, i cursed at people, told them to "go kill yourself" and told them so "suck a horse dick". League is hyper addicting and its meant to be that way.  I have really strong anxiety towards most things and I guess gaming league of legends i argue the most addictive game ever fills that void a bit or at least  allows me to not have to think about the other things in my life and the trauma i went through.  I don't really know how to help you ,because i can't help myself right now. I am in therapy and its helping so i suggest you go to therapy too. I am silver 1 btw