Apologizing to someone you have physically attacked... not a short story

[ella]

I Don't know where to begin and I feel a great deal of anxiety thinking about telling people this. I'm just going try to explain.

My issue is: I need to apologize to someone, because I have physically attacked them without warning and without being threatened. I know this person is and always will be such a terrible person i don't know how to apologize to them. I don't think they will know why I am apologizing if I attempt to apologize only for the attack, but refuse any communication unrelated to explanation or closure for the attack. I want to apologize for what I have done and offer closure for the terror I brought upon his life. I can't imagine what that could have been like for him. I can’t live the rest of my life knowing I have attacked someone and haven't even apologized. I feel i can't live my life now knowing this. When i start saying things like this I start to think i don't know who this apology is even for. It starts to seem like the point is to relieve MY guilt from doing it rather than his pain and trauma and emotional damage for having it done to him. When I consider the emotions he must of felt I think it must have been terrible for him, to think someone could hate you so much to actually attack you, to fear for your safety. When I consider those things I am partially doubtful, because he told everyone about the incident immediately after it happened, didn’t call the police or press charges, made the scar I gave him his FB profile picture, and he continues to brag about the scar/incident and use the topic as a conversation starter… I guess context essential….

The Story:The Situation is so complicated and has so many contributing factors on my part that go back so far, I have no idea where to start so I’m just going to try and tell you how this happened. I also want to say that I can remember my thoughts from when I was on the SSRI, but it’s like the thoughts of a mad person to me. Any thoughts in the following paragraph are memories, not the thoughts I have about this now.

This took place 3  years ago when I and all my friends we're about 19. The previous year i had attempted suicide and I was gladly put on an SSRI. It was like being on a little speed all the time (I now have a ‘working diagnosis’ of bi polar, something I’ve been told SSRI’s have a manic effect on). I got my first apartment with my boyfriend, this guy (call him N) and others, as a product of my parents’ divorce. I broke up with my boyfriend because he had anger issues, and kicked him out when I was told he was the source of missing food. When N’s girlfriend left him he became very depressed, I talked him out of suicidal thoughts and I felt I could trust him after his vulnerability. For unknown reasons, I become too horny after time, and it’s been like this since puberty. I wrote a note proposing we be ‘fuck buddies’ without fucking, or kissing because I didn’t really like him I wanted to use him. He agreed, and later asked if I would harm him in ways like cutting, I agreed to scratch him hard on his back. We had only a couple encounters. Soon after, N and the other roommate told me they were moving in to another apartment and not paying the rent that was due in about two weeks. I felt betrayed and confused. I found a new apartment with another who I considered to be my bestfriend.One day, a couple weeks after moving in to the new apartment the bestfriend let it slip that N said we had slept together and after convincing him I was unaware of this and that it was untrue, a couple friends enlightened me as to what had been happening behind my back the past month or two. N had twisted real events, like us having a sexual encounter into stories like we slept together and we were dating or that he didn’t want to date me and was using the scratches on his back as ‘proof’ we’d slept together. Said things like my breasts and genitals were unattractive and unpleasant. That I was a regular hard drug user. That I had sex with other people we both knew. I realized that he had framed one of my good friends for stealing from me, when of course it was him. I found out he was attempting to date my friend at the time, someone he previously said had unattractive genitals and called a slut ext. I found out he was the one stealing all my food, and that he regularly bragged about instigating fights between myself and my ex. N took pictures of the written conversation between him and I and sent the pictures to my ex, stating that I had really broken up with him for N.Then my bestfriend told me he was going over to N’s house and I could confront him if I wanted. We left within 10 mins of me hearing all this.Over the past couple of weeks I had been so angry and sad about not knowing what was happening to all my friends, I was stabbing cardboard boxes to try and relieve my anger without cutting myself. I grabbed the blade I had used to stab the boxes and my friend said ‘are you going to scare N?’ I quietly said ‘…yeah’.(I wish so much that he’d realized how mad I was and that I had no idea what I was doing and taken the blade from me. Every time I see this ‘friend’ I wasn’t to ask him if it’s all been a dream. Sometimes I feel like if I could just ask him, that I would wake up before it happened and it would never have to happen. I’m crying my eyes out right now, I’m afraid to type to word pad what happened)I had no idea how or what I planned on doing, I just had a notion that somehow I would humiliate and betray him the way he had me. I would let everyone know that what he was saying was a lie, and I would expose something he had told me in confidence. When I saw the blade I thought I could somehow tell everyone that he was bitter because I wouldn’t have sex with him and that I wouldn’t cut him, only scratch him. When I picked it up and my friend asked if I was going to scare N with it, I sort of thought that was something I could do and brought it with me.We went to N’s apartment and I yelled something like ‘so I hear you’ve been telling everyone we slept together’ in a room of about 5 or 6 people. I remember the beginning and end of this exchange but not the middle. I just remember that he was twisting what I said to make it sound like the lies he had been telling were just secrets I didn’t want people to know. When I could not respond to this I became so enraged and hit him somewhere on the head or face, and he laughed at me, and then I cut him. I actually c u t him, I didn’t see where, I found out after it was the right side of his neck. I can see myself doing this in memory, but I can’t remember feeling myself in my body, grabbing the blade, swinging, deciding this. I’m light headed thinking about this, and I feel like just stopping and puking. I feel like …what I feel I should feel like, disgusting.My friend grabbed my hand and I dropped the blade. I realized what I had done about 15 mins after in his car and I started asking him how bad it was, where and what was going to happen to both of us. He assured me N was taken directly to the hospital. Then I realized that I may have just attempted murder depending on where the wound landed….The wound was two inches wide and I think half an inch deep on the right side of his lower neck. I went to jail for the weekend until my mother bailed me out. He texted everyone we knew and told them I tried to kill him.I had a dream when I was younger(7-10) that I had done something terribly wrong and I was being sent to a detention of sorts. But I didn’t go, I ran and I ran all over the town while being chased by authorities. I accidentally jumped into the detention ‘room’, it had no ceiling and everyone sat in it willingly. I jumped back out and continued the spree. I was caught and because I did not willingly go to detention I was sentenced to something worse. I was suspended with my head floating above water, in a lake. I think I had to stay like this forever until I died. My dad came to see me and he was so ashamed and sad that he was losing me. He asked why I did this, I told him I was sorry. Then I shrivelled up and died. I thought of this dream immediately after being put in jail. I felt like this dream was coming true. I felt like my whole twisted life had been coming to some twisted end like this. I felt like this was the end. This was the end of my life, this dream was the prophecy and I had fulfilled it. I felt like I was dying in that jail cell, l felt like guilt and shame could kill me.If that was what was what I was capable of doing, something needed to change. I started really trying to figure out what was wrong with me and how I could fix myself and come back from this terrible thing i had become.I spent the next year in court and weekends in jail for the next 8 months after court.From what I’m told his life has not changed that much.

..How do I even attempt to approach apologizing for this?

[dsayers]

I need to apologize to someone, because I have physically attacked them without warning and without being threatened. I know this person is and always will be such a terrible person i don't know how to apologize to them.

 

Why do you want to apologize? Not saying you shouldn't; just curious as to what your motivation/perceived payoff is. Because I don't see how this person is perceived to be would effect it. Either assaulting somebody is wrong and you want to make up for having done so or not, right?

 

I can't imagine what that could have been like for him.

 

Sure you can. Assault is dysfunctional. It is not the default. In order to have the capacity for this dysfunction, you would have had to experience some form of it on your own. Have you identified what this is? Have you processed it? I don't think you could sincerely apologize if you haven't. I would also argue that doing so would be more of an apology than words. In fact, to let the person know that is what you intend to do would be a great way to apologize. It might also encourage him to do the same with regards to whatever has you classifying him as a terrible person.

 

What do you think?

[Tyler Durden]

That's quite a story. I'm sorry to hear that you've had so much shit in your life.

 

As for the apology. The guy sounds like an asshole but I do understand that you want to apologize for what you did. If I were you I would write him a short letter or email in which I specifically apologized for the assault, but I would leave everything else out of it. Something like this:

 

Dear N,

 

You probably didn't expect a letter from me, but I wanted to send you one because I feel like I owe you an apology. Regardless of the problematic history that you and I have, I want you to know that I truly regret assaulting you with a knife. I know there's nothing I can say that can undo the damage that I did, but you should at least know that I'm sorry.

 

I don't think it would be a good idea for either of us to get back in touch, but I wish you well.

 

Ella

[Josh F]

I dont know if confessing in written format for the crime is the best idea.  I don't really have any suggestions though, this is beyond my scope.  

[ella]

Why do you want to apologize? Not saying you shouldn't; just curious as to what your motivation/perceived payoff is. Because I don't see how this person is perceived to be would effect it. Either assaulting somebody is wrong and you want to make up for having done so or not, right?

 

Right. I think I see your point. I can THINK he's such a person and that my apology won't benefit him, but that doesn't change how he may actually be and how it would actually benefit him.I want to apologize to take away any pain I can. to let him know that I didn't intent it, that I never meant or wanted this to be. I would want to know that it was not intended, I would feel worse knowing I was a target. I want to let him know that I would take it back if I could, and he did not deserve it. I want to let him know that this shouldn't have happened to him. It wasn't his fault

 

Sure you can. Assault is dysfunctional. It is not the default. In order to have the capacity for this dysfunction, you would have had to experience some form of it on your own. Have you identified what this is? Have you processed it? I don't think you could sincerely apologize if you haven't. I would also argue that doing so would be more of an apology than words. In fact, to let the person know that is what you intend to do would be a great way to apologize. It might also encourage him to do the same with regards to whatever has you classifying him as a terrible person.

 

What do you think?

You're right I can. I've been attacked twice by my father. Once was was an out of control spanking around 7 and the other was a punch to the face around 16. The second time would be closer to what happened to him. I felt small, and weak. I felt betrayed that violence was brought without warning, like we had some unspoken agreement not to use this ultimate power we both knows he has. And then he broke that agreement only for him only for a second. I felt embarrassed that I was taken advantage of, like somehow i'd been outsmarted and if I had been more prepared I could have stopped it from happening to me.So I guess I achieved my goal of humiliating and betraying him, since when I was on the other end of violence I felt betrayed and embarrassed.thank you so much! I don't know where my thought process went before, but It never landed on how i felt when i was attacked. I identified that I had been taught violence and intimidation as a way to deal with tough issues. I just got so derailed whenever it thought about how little violence I actually experienced, instead of realizing I how little other tools I was taught to use before violence. I think letting him know why I was capable of this and how I am fixing myself so I can never do something like this again is a great idea. This has been so helpful.Thank you, dsayersThank you for your thoughts Tyler Durden (man, have i always wanted to say that)That's a good example. I wonder is if I should be very vague about the incident when I apologize, encase he does have any PTS. Should I be specific to accept full responsibility or stay vague to avoid further hurting him?Josh, confession is not a concern. I plead guilty, the court case is long finished and I have already served the jail time. I made sure my terms of probation allowed contact only to apologize, it's on paper that I am allowed to apologize. His mom called the cops and it was the court that actually charged me, N never attempted any involvement in the year that court took place.Thank you so much, i'm working on the letter now. would it be appropriate to post it once finished to get feedback?