Regarding Santa: Dealing with the mystic co-parent of an intelligent child

[AKeinick]

I am a dad who gets to see my son for the day once a week. He is seven, grade two, and, up until today, he believed in Santa, the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny. I don't remember what we were talking about when he seemingly randomly said to me "Santa isn't real.". I haven't talked about Santa with him for years after learning more about ethics, I did somewhat indulge the fantasy when he was about three, but I swore to myself that I wouldn't lie to him about anything including this. I didn't want to lie to him, but I didn't want to provoke his mother or teachers so I didn't outright tell him either. Today while we were playing Lego together he told me "Santa isn't real". I responded with the truth and we had a long talk about many different things including lying, trust, whether its possible for a human to eat a billion cookies in one night, whether its possible for a human to visit 40+ houses a minute for 12 hours solid, and many other things. He was hurt that he was lied to by others, like his mom, and hurt that I lied through omission by not simply telling him the truth earlier. I promised him that I'll never lie to him again and apologised sincerely and we had an incredibly emotionally intimate bonding experience where we talked about things like what dreams are, why people tell kids Santa is real even though he isn't how I want him to feel like he would choose me to be his dad if he had a choice because of the fact that he didnt. Much more memorable time than the usual video game fest we have.

 

When I dropped him off back at his moms later in the day (a woman I never should have dated to begin with, highly volatile personality) I told her that he told me Santa isn't real and that I confirmed his suspicion. She was pissed. She basically yelled at me for 5 minutes about "There's reasons you should lie about these things" and "Do you have any idea how much I put into Santa for him", all within earshot of Aidan, the window was open, as I stuttered around her assault attempting to explain myself but failing miserably.

 

I am now worried that she is going to use our son as an emotional pin cushion for her to attempt to manage her anger and I am questioning whether it was correct to tell him the truth in this situation. Hindsight is supposed to be 20/20, yet the only conclusion I can derive from this latest eruption is that I never should have dated such a mess of control issues of a woman. However, that conclusion doesn't seem to have much to offer in terms of best dealing with the hole I dug for my son BY creating him with this woman, and possibly by being honest with him when his mom prefers a lie. I should also mention that she mentioned in her tirade that I should have called her when he made the proposition.

 

What do you think? Honesty is the first virtue is it not? I understand that there are some things you don't tell kids like the ISIS beheadings, that's not a lie if you don't talk about it, which is similar to how I've approached the Santa thing in the past, but where do you draw the line when you know your child CAN understand all the ins and outs of the situation and is actively seeking the truth of if, yet his emotionally abusive mom is emotionally attached to the idea of him remaining blissfully, or not so blissfully, ignorant?

 

I thought that telling her up front what happened was the best idea, 'soften the blow' so to speak, but now I'm questioning whether I should have maybe told my son the truth but to keep it a secret from his mom, or if I should have simply gone along with the crazy lady and continued to 'lie by omission' as I have before.

 

Now that I've written this post I'm thinking that I did the right thing by telling him the truth and apologising for not doing so earlier. Now

A) He knows the truth.

and

B) He knows I respect him enough to tell him the truth.

 

Anyway if anyone has any insight into anything I might have missed here I would love to get your thoughts. Also if anyone has any similar stories and how they dealt with them I would love to hear about that too. Thanks again for reading and thanks in advance for any responses.

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

When she exploded at you while your son was in earshot, did she make you feel small and have control over you? When she says things like "There's reasons you should lie about these things" and "Do you have any idea how much I put into Santa for him?", why do you feel the need to explain yourself? Have you thought about putting the ball back in her court by responding with something like, "Okay, and those reasons are...?" and "Can you explain what the amount of effort you put into something has to do with the truth?"

 

I understand your concern that you're worried that you might cause more problems for your son by challenging his mother, and I'm not going to pretend to know the ins and outs of the real situation you're dealing with, but what I felt from reading your post was, "Man, he needs to stand up to that bitch."

 

I think you 100% did the right thing by telling him the truth and apologizing for not doing it earlier. I don't know what sort of secrets need to be kept from mommy dear (I certainly had to keep many from mine), but am I correct in my analysis in that what you fear is the mother retaliating against your son for your actions? If the answer is no, I would say tell him all the truth you can and stand up to the bitch and don't soften any blows. If the answer is yes, then I think we need more details.

 

Thank you for posting and sharing. Keep us up to date how things progress.

[AKeinick]

Thank you for your kind and concerned reply Dylan. You are correct in that my concern is that my son will now pay some kind of price over and above what he deals with on a daily basis. He already gets grounded from his favorite things constantly for minor missteps on the incredibly loaded mine field of his mother's volatile emotional states and she always yells, calls names and generally shirks responsibility for her actions onto others. She spanked him a few times when he was much younger but we had it out over that and she doesn't do that anymore.

 

I guess I'm mostly worried that since the conversation ended so abruptly and she was clearly so upset when she walked away, my son got to deal with the aftermath wherein her fuse was already blown and now he's walking on eggshells. Im supposed to have a 15 minute window to call him on Mondays and Wednesdays so hopefully she doesn't ignore the call and allows me to talk to him. I definitely feel now that I was right in telling him the truth and wrong in telling his mom that I told him the truth. He actually suggested that 'we' should keep it a secret from her but I didn't think it really fit with the whole 'truth and honesty' theme of the experience that he and I had when I told him the truth, and I don't know if its appropriate for me to encourage a child to lie to or keep secrets from their parents in general. I'm definitely questioninv this last reason now though as I said. And its not like we haven't had to keep a secret or two from her before either.

 

Its true she made me feel small and have control over me when she blew her lid, its sick, but her controlling vindictive ways are actually part of what attracted me to her in the first place 9 years ago long before I grew any amount of self esteem, she's just like my mother... I honestly didn't think she would react like that this time though, its been a while since she has, but then again its been a while since I've talked to her about anything she disagrees with, I didn't think it through enough, I was to busy enjoying time with me son, not planning out how I was gonna give his mom the 'bad news'. I can't simply have it out with her though, meaning I can't piss her off with logic and reason. If it were ANYONE else, I could, but she has cut access unilaterally for months at a time in the past when I've held my ground on something. In fact my son expressed concern that she would do so again if I told her that I told him. I failed to heed his wise words and now it seems he had an extremely valid concern. I think from now on I should not try to intervene when it comes to his relationship with his mom as he seems to have had the right of this one and she's not doing anything illegal to him. He seems to have a pretty good handle over how best to corral the beast, far better than I ever had at east. That said, if she does cut access again, I won't pay child support until she reinstates it, I work a min wage job so its not a massive payment, but she's on welfare so its enough to affect her decisions for sure, I've tried court proceedings and they did not work, money is the only thing that seems to work with her.

 

Anyways as I said I'll let you know whether I get through to him tomorrow and how the conversation goes. Again thanks for your empathy, it actually brought a tear to my eye on the first read of it. Its nice to get some helpful input, not just the usual "What a bitch!" that my foo gives me.

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

That's a really sucky situation to be in. Watching someone be abused and having no control over it. I really sympathize. I grew up in a similar situation between my mother and my father, and I have to tell ya, it really really sucks.

 

I'm guessing there's absolutely no way that you can gain custody through the court system or you would have done so already. However, I think it may be worth checking with your local state laws (or whichever country you're in) and see what age a child has to be for them to decide which parent they want to stay with. I live in Washington State and I remember when I was 10 years old my dad telling me that when I was 12 I would have the ability to choose which parent I wanted to live with (don't know if that's true but that's what I remember him telling me). It really hurt me a lot that he never followed up/never was able to follow up on this. But it may be best for all parties involved if you could claim custody over him, providing he wants to, and it looks like he does, at whatever age that's possible where you live.

 

My mother would continuously punish me for things my father did or said or what she could figure out from the things I had or the things I said. I became very, very secretive towards my mother at a very young age because I knew that she was constantly looking for some reason to "discipline" me. Anything I said, anything I did, and any emotion I expressed she would use as a tool against me and I learned how to shut up and not show any emotion. Eventually she started yelling at me because I wouldn't show any emotion and I wouldn't tell her anything. Often she would just make things up and make me responsible for them. I hated this but it was better than her knowing what I was actually doing/thinking/feeling--I guess for at least the reason it took more energy and effort to make it up.

 

My dad didn't explicitly sit me down and say this (I was allowed to go to his house for the weekend every other week), but he managed to get the point across to me that I needed to start keeping things secret and that I needed to figure out how to lie (obviously, I also figured this out through punishment). Whenever I went to my dad's my mom would give me orders on all the things I needed to do and not do while I was there and, mind-slave that I was, I thought I was bound to the orders even when my dad would repeat "My house, my rules--you can do whatever you want here" to me over and over again. He eventually had to trick me with a sophist tactic in order for me to start "disobeying" and lying to my mom. Luckily, it worked and I was able to spend a few days a month for several years at a house where I could unwind and feel safe.

 

I got so good at lying I would build algorithm stories. By that I mean I would have my original lie to my mom, then I would think of all the things she would ask me about this original lie, then think up answers to each of these questions, then think of all the questions she could ask from those potential answers, then answers to those questions, and so on.

 

The reason I bring this up is I want to be able to give you some reference from someone who has experienced something very similar to what you're describing about your son (assuming you didn't experience it yourself), and that YES, teaching your son to lie to his mother in order to protect himself is OKAY and maybe even a GOOD THING. For now you may be the only emotional outlet and safe haven in the war zone which is his life. It's vitally important that he's able to have honest conversation with you, even if that means learning how to be deceitful to his mother for self-preservation.

 

So yea, I would really look up the age at which you can change custody and start working toward it and planning on that. Sounds like it would be the best option for all three parties.