Romulus Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 Hello all, I need some important advice on my situation. I've been married for 10 years to my wife, we have 2 kids in grade school.. life on the surface is fairly good in the 'normal', American Beauty sense. Perhaps its my mid life, but lately I'm just not happy, propbably because I haven't been honest with myself. I married my wife because she was my 'best friend'.. I don't know if that's love or not. I can't say that there is 'love' attraction. I've never felt it, and getting older, it's starting to sink in. I deserve someone I'm attracted to in a sexual and loving sense. Is that clear or no? I'm not sure where to go with all of this. I had a dream last night I met a wonderful girl and it brought to the surface feelings that I'd like to have, being attracted and in love with someone. Right now I've just conceded my life to my kids, to make theirs as great as can be. But something inside is telling me inside, they are seeing what love is supposed to be like, where you want to be with your spouse, instead of it just being a 'partnership'. I welcome any adivce at this point.
Tyler Durden Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 You sound like you're on the verge of making a dumb decision. How old are your children? And is your wife a virtuous person? If you take the sexual attraction out of the equation, what problems are left?
Romulus Posted October 6, 2014 Author Posted October 6, 2014 I didn't know this was such a heavily moderated section.. perhaps a mod can move this topic to a more appropriate forum for ease of discussion?
pongo Posted October 13, 2014 Posted October 13, 2014 Have you spoken to your wife about this? Sounds like you might have a bit of distance emotionally at this point. Fixable? I'd like to think so.
Romulus Posted October 29, 2014 Author Posted October 29, 2014 No, we don't ever have time to speak. We just argue and both hate it. It's more than a lack of sexual attraction. It's emotional attraction. At this point I am just fighting natural law, trying to make something work that isn't there.
Dermot Posted October 29, 2014 Posted October 29, 2014 Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. I would say get in touch with stef.
A__ Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 “No, we don't ever have time to speak.” This is false. “We just argue and both hate it.” See, you have time to argue. Why not put that time into seeing a couples therapist especially if you’ve “conceded your life to your kids, to make theirs as great as it can be”. Children are smart. They will sense even subtle tension: Lying to them will create trust problems and/or an inability to interpret the world around them. “At this point I am just fighting natural law, trying to make something work that isn't there.” It sounds like you just building a case to act on an impulse you don’t even seem to understand yourself. It sounds like your mind is made up. Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. I would say get in touch with stef. I think that's a good place to start as well.
J. D. Stembal Posted October 31, 2014 Posted October 31, 2014 Yeah...this sounds like a rough situation. I am sorry. You've probably lost attraction to your spouse because of the conflicts. It is very likely she is feeling badly as well. Perhaps she is also posting about you on Girl Power forums. If you are not sexually attracted to her, you should be honest about it. If you withdrew sexual attention without offering an explanation, she is likely tormented about it. I'm seconding the suggestion of a couple's call and/or therapy. Read Real Time Relationships or Non-Violent Communication or other self-help type books. I would also talk to your kids about how they are feeling about this situation. You mentioned the movie, American Beauty. Like Kevin Spacey's character, are you also fantasizing about another (younger) woman? If so, why?
Romulus Posted November 10, 2014 Author Posted November 10, 2014 Thank you for the responses. Last week we had some long talks. I married my wife for the person she is 1st, and not because her looks 2nd. My feelings against her are not because of her, but because of who I am. My parents, IMO were and still are abusive, with my Mom being the worst offender. I do not want a divorce. I love my wife a lot, we have talked it out. Neither of us are perfect, but we are good for each other. We are both working on our issues, but if I need to take up Stefs valubale time, it will be because of my upbringing, not because of my marriage. I'll start another thread about that, and will look forward to your replies.
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