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My Brother Called Me :)

CallMeViolet

By CallMeViolet
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CallMeViolet Newbie

CallMeViolet

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My brother had heard my voice on the call in show and called me very concerned... He said he wants me to come stay with him for a bit while I straighten everything out. He said he had planned to contact me but was afraid of rejection after he stopped talking.

He was also worried that I would be like the rest of our family and get aggressive and ignorant.

I believe he is truly sorry now... (We discussed some of the things more) I do understand why he stopped talking to me... As I explained to him it was the way it happened... And though he may not have meant to make me feel disregarded and uncared for it's how it felt at the time... He did apologize and admit to handling it poorly but he says he did what he did to get to a better place... That he couldn't help me when he was in the place he was in... And yes... I can see that...

I'm glad he's back because I do love him; I've missed him a lot.. That's why it was so painful; I felt that the one person who really cared just walked out on me... How it happened wasn't okay... But I think he does really care; in the past he had been there; no body is perfect. Now I feel like he really did and continues to care.

I'm still really torn up about some of it... Like he asked if I didn't contact him about this all to hurt him.. And he thinks I made it out like he was never there... That's all a little irritating to me because I can't read his mind so when he said "I don't want to talk" I took it as I don't want to talk. The whole doing all this to hurt him thing is crazy to me because why the fuck would I? That really made me upset... Idk... This is kind of overwhelming in a way... He seems to mean he's sorry though... So I think it's worth a try...He's not an evil person... Just an individual repairing the shattered remains of a once broken child; like myself... I can't cut him out; not when there's a chance we could be family again. Real family though. Not the crap we were born into.

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Triumph Newbie

Triumph

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Guess I haven't heard your callin. 

 

I worry if you are around each other that you would feed each other's demons.  Then it would be harder to start a new life.

Heam Newbie

Heam

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Glad you're getting out of the environment you're currently in. Listened to your call last night and it sounds like you're around some astoundingly douchey assholes based on the spate of interruptions that came at the end of the call. Good luck.

-------- Newbie

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omg it's you. I listened to the call in show you were in last night and I was literally in tears over your horrible stories. Your honesty, courage and vulnerability were amazing to me. I really hoped you were on the boards so we could continue the conversation and see how you are.

 

I had a feeling your brother would contact you after he listened to the show. I would have done the same thing. I wouldn't let him off so easily though. From what I understand, he was an enabler and a participant of the abuse with your brothers. I don't accept the justification of him being an abuser because of your parents (aka trickle down violence). Did you go around harming people smaller than yourself because of your family? Also, the fact the he has made the call about himself and not about you  ("Like he asked if I didn't contact him about this all to hurt him.. And he thinks I made it out like he was never there.") is a red flag and suggests to me that he isn't there yet. I don't think those sorts of comments are appropriate, they are not accurate and not relevant if he was the one to walk out on you and after what was said after the show.  I know he listens to FDR, but listening to it and living it are two different things. 

 

I think the best thing for you two would be doing group therapy together to talk about these issues and feelings. But I know money is tight is that probably isn't an option. I don't think this is the sort of thing you can work out together without professional help from the outside. I think self-knowledge and being free is the most important task you should set to yourself to after what you've been through. Your life doesn't sound stable yet -- the people you were staying with sounded like assholes yelling at you while you were on the phone. If you haven't gained your independence yet, it will effect your life choices.

 

Trust your gut. If his reasoning seems crazy and you feel irritated, I don't think you should over look that. Hope you let us know how it goes.

 

By the way, have the FDR team set up a donation thing for you yet?

  • Upvote 3
OGMizen Newbie

OGMizen

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Your call was the hardest FDR show Ive ever listened to. Dont listen to anyone when they tell you they had it worse, or it wasnt that bad etc. It definitely was! Hope you get everything back on track and Im glad your brother called you. and btw your room mates seemed like total dickheads IMO lolTake care!

  • 3 weeks later...
st434u Newbie

st434u

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I don't believe him for a second, and if you had any self respect you wouldn't either.

 

This guy tried to drown you for fun, FFS!!

 

https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/40914-i-need-to-talk-about-these-things/

 

The "you're doing this to hurt me" is a typical reaction from a narcissist who believes everything is about them and they are perfect, but anybody else's feelings and experiences are irrelevant other than as means to manipulate and gain some leverage.

 

If you're talking about how he hurt you, and he believes you're doing it to "get back at him" there is absolutely no chance that he has repented what he did to you. It's you who has to modify their behavior, you see? You are the one who is causing damage, his actions were perfectly ok.

 

He is showing a complete lack of empathy for you, but faking it at the same time by telling you that after all, he is sorry. Well, saying "I'm sorry" doesn't make up for years of torture and repeated attempted murder. Not in the slightest. I don't believe you can ever restitute someone after causing so much damage. But even if you could, the fact that he believes that saying he's sorry is going to make it all ok shows that he doesn't have any plans for restitution as he doesn't even recognize and own the immense damage that he's caused you.

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Jeremi Newbie

Jeremi

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He did apologize and admit to handling it poorly but he says he did what he did to get to a better place... That he couldn't help me when he was in the place he was in... And yes... I can see that... I'm glad he's back because I do love him;

 

 

Anytime someone has done great wrong to you, any apology after the fact needs to be approached with tremendous suspicion. This is difficult to do because you are deeply emotionally invested in him of course and you want to believe in the best. But look at his apology carefuly, this is a very, very common tactic for narcissists or others who lack real empathy: "I'm sorry for what I did but I had to do it because of x, y, z." Do you get that that is not an apology? It's what Stef likes to call a Bullshit Non-Apology. Real genuine apologies require a deep level of empathy, patience to listen and understand what the person went through when the offense was committed, no backing out or offerring excuses for it. True empathy would be to not let the ones you love drown, no matter the burden or cost. And further he knows the hell that you have gone through and continue to go through and that makes it all the more terrible.

 

I don't know your brother, I am only trying to give you a point of view of objective skepticism. You have to ask yourself whenever long-absent people want to return to your life: "Am I able to disconnect from the emotional draw of the situation and view the facts objectively or am I so emotionally invested in this person returning in my life that I have to believe he/she has really changed?". If he really has learned some level of empathy for you, then you need to put that to the test immediately before going further. Get him on the phone again, talk about all your concerns and fears, talk about the pain you felt. See if he can handle it. Don't allow him to make excuses or try to censor you in any way. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. 

 

I'll share with you this poem which has been deeply meaningful for me. I hope it resonates with you as well.

 

 

Cloths of Heaven (William Butler Yeats)

 

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

 

CallMeViolet Newbie

CallMeViolet

Posted
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 so I really hate this but I'm thinking some of you guys were right about this not being a great idea... I'm not really willing to talk about it right now; don't worry, nothing violent happened but yeah... Idk if me and him can ever have a real relationship. To sum it up, he's way to quick to tell me about how wrong I am for like anything but very reluctant to look at his own behavior... 

 

 Maybe one day.. but not right now or like this. 

A__ Newbie

A__

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 so I really hate this but I'm thinking some of you guys were right about this not being a great idea... I'm not really willing to talk about it right now; don't worry, nothing violent happened but yeah... Idk if me and him can ever have a real relationship. To sum it up, he's way to quick to tell me about how wrong I am for like anything but very reluctant to look at his own behavior... 

 

 Maybe one day.. but not right now or like this. 

 

The urge to smooth things over can be overwhelming, like a sweet siren calling. I've crashed on mythological rocks quite a few times myself. Anyway, I did not hear your call but it sounds like you're already steering toward a good course. I wish you the best.

Jeremi Newbie

Jeremi

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 so I really hate this but I'm thinking some of you guys were right about this not being a great idea... I'm not really willing to talk about it right now; don't worry, nothing violent happened but yeah... Idk if me and him can ever have a real relationship. To sum it up, he's way to quick to tell me about how wrong I am for like anything but very reluctant to look at his own behavior... 

 

 Maybe one day.. but not right now or like this. 

Sorry to hear that Violet. I can understand the temptation to want to heal these old wounds but it can only work when both parties are really truly ready. Let us know if you want to talk about this further.

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