I, attention whore.

[Lothar Zogg]

My childhood was a time of pain. I had a mother who was possesive, ridiculing, deriding, contemptious, and always always always angry. This she did not show this to everone of course, she chose me for that. I have now in adulthood understood that she's got a narscissistic personality disorder. I have read about how narscissistic parents can behave and it fits very well. She would reverse the parent child role, making me responible for chores. And generally require me to be an extension of her. I was not allowed to decide what to wear and often not even to have my own opinion. This continued well into my late 20s, when I finally left her for good.

 

My father and mother split when I was 7. Me and mom moved to another town, dad and my older sibling stayed behind. Mom moved together with a new boyfriend, that pretended to be some kind of dad to me, but clearly had no feelings for me. He had alcohol problems, and was a rather selfish person. He expected to have a lot of private spaces around the house where he put his stuff, that you were not allowed to touch or move. He got drunk most nights and then pretended he was the only one living there, playing music and doing stuff.

 

My real father has always be afraid of my moms temper and "strong will" and never defended me in any situation that I can remember. What he did instead is say that he didn't want to get inbetween us, and pretended he is was some kind of wise diplomat for taking that position. I have since early childhood felt totally abandoned. Mom liked to make attention seeking situations, where "bio dad" would be required to meet with us to discuss me and my problem behavior; I was "talking back" and generally "lazy".

 

My life is totally dysfunctional, I have little or no motivation. It has been drained from all my failures in life. I am on the near bottom of society just making days pass pretty much. Once I had dreams and goals. Socially they were low, but professionally high. I can't even get small chores done, and I don't feel genuine untainted happines in doing recreational things. Got no friends. I've had lots of therapy.

 

Here's the question: I have a fear of failure, I understand that and why. I am also a total uber perfectionist, but the irrational feeling I also know I have is that I don't want to be happy and succeed; I want to be sorry and miserable so I won't make my parents proud. I have alot of resentment and anger. I used to smash alot of things. I've been called "self defeating" by intelligent people I've made internet friends with.

 

I'm sure some will say that this is someting that I should not worry about, because such evil parents as I must have had, they surely do not feel any love. But I am not so sure about that! I think loving people can do bad things too if they are screwed up enough. And mine are extremly immature baby boomers. Denail is a very powerful human skill.

 

When I have confronted my dad with his cowardice over that years, I have seen in the corner of his eye that he understands. But he has never taken any responibility for it, all I get is  that he is sorry for "misunderstandings". He is in denail mode and I'm sold down the river. He married a new wife too very soon, and has always been totally focused on the new family. His wife is very demanding emotionally.

 

 

[andkon]

A question about the title. The only possible reference that I found above was that your mother liked to make attention seeking situations. So why is it I, attention whore?

[Kevin Beal]

That is seriously tragic. I'm very sorry about the crushing narcissism and the contemptible cowardice of your parents. That you were made to experience that for decades is a crime.

 

You mention that you have a question, but I couldn't glean what it was from what you wrote. I do have a lot to say about this, though.

 

I am a total amateur, but something you said really struck me. I'd like to make a case to you, if you don't mind, about what I think the problem is, and the solution. I realize it's probably annoying to have someone psychologize you from afar, especially after years of therapy.

 

You mention how you don't feel motivated to make something of you life, achieving important goals and dreams. To me, that sounds like a lack of self love and self worth, which would make absolute sense given a narcissistic mother who was invasive and had horrible boundaries. To be used like a poison container and source of entertainment for an empty person. And a father who didn't care enough about your well being to get over his own petty cowardice. That is, being treated for decades in an unloving manner.

 

You said that you feel anger and resentment, but then follow that with some ambiguous and ambivalent feelings around whether or not your parents loved you. I think this is extremely important, because this is going to affect how angry you get. If you think about your parents in terms of "they were immature and they loved me, but were too broken to be there for me" then that makes them sympathetic, and strips them of responsibility.

 

I wonder how angry you truly allow yourself to be. I suspect that you block it with excuses and justifications. Or with self shaming, like it makes you immature for being angry.

 

It's so monumentally important that you get angry. Anger is your body's immune system against injustice and evil. Anger means you care about yourself, your safety, your interests. And I don't think you are getting angry enough if what has been the result is a complete lack of desire to have personal goals and achieving them (i.e. self love).

 

Love is our involuntary response to virtue, if we ourselves are virtuous. And love is less than meaningless if it doesn't change the way you treat someone. And let's just say that your parents did love you (I don't believe that, but ok). What difference could that possibly make? They have decades of restitution to make that I'm guessing they have no interest in doing. Your father just denies and denies and I don't know about your mother, but I'm guessing she'd just rage.

 

Whatever you excuse or justify in other people, you justify for yourself and invite back. Toxic personalities are rancid venom to our mental and emotional health. Anger, hatred and contempt are necessary to build up the healthy immunity to the narcissism and the cowardice in yourself.

 

Anger is self love.

 

FDR234 Contempt

http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_234_Contempt.mp3

 

FDR305 Anger or Compassion?

http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_305_Anger_Or_Compassion.mp3

 

FDR352 The Difference Between Anger and Rage

http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_352_Anger_Versus_Rage.mp3

 

FDR363 The Joy of Anger Part 1

http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_363_The_Joy_Of_Anger_Part_1.mp3

 

FDR364 The Joy of Anger Part 2

http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_364_The_Joy_Of_Anger_Part_2.mp3

[dsayers]

I had a mother who was possesive, ridiculing, deriding, contemptious, and always always always angry. This she did not show this to everone of course, she chose me for that. I have now in adulthood understood that she's got a narscissistic personality disorder.

 

Disorder suggests a lack of choice in the matter. If she didn't treat everybody equally, then it was a choice. The "disorder" she suffered from was sadism. Thanks to society's protection of child abuse, she was able to be sadistic towards you without any resistance or consequence. That's why she chose to do it towards you and not others.

 

I am also a total uber perfectionist, but the irrational feeling I also know I have is that I don't want to be happy and succeed; I want to be sorry and miserable so I won't make my parents proud.

 

A number of things here. First of all, you are not a perfectionist. It was inflicted upon you that failure was unacceptable. I mention this not only because you were owning your abuse, but also because you said happy and succeed as if they are the same thing. Failure is unavoidable, healthy, and natural. It's also a positive thing if we use it as a learning experience and/or motivation to improve.

 

I would argue that being sorry and miserable would make your parents proud because it would be the ultimate victory for them. Choosing your behaviors based on what others would want you to do is erasing yourself for them. Plus, if you have no contact with your mother anymore, why would it matter how she'd view your station in life?

 

I'm curious as to why you'd have no further contact with your mother, but don't seem to have made that decision with your father also. He chose for her to be your mother. He chose not to protect you, in violation of his obligation towards you. He's chosen not to take responsibility for his allowance of aggression in your life. It sounds as if he's chosen to repeat the process with a new child(ren).

[PGP]

Thanks for sharing this. I am very sorry that you had this upbringing and that you have these feelings of nihilism today. The above replies are very thoughtful and I could come nowhere near at this stage. I just want to say that I had different but in many ways the same upbringing. 

My parents are dead now. They died of heart attack and cancer but what they really died of was misery. The cancer and the heart attck were just the final symptoms. What has been said above about the final victory of them over you is correct. By pure chance you were born to them.

[Lothar Zogg]

A question about the title. The only possible reference that I found above was that your mother liked to make attention seeking situations. So why is it I, attention whore?

 

Well that is intrinsic in the question I wanted to ask, but no one seems to have understood well. So I will try to clarify below...(and thank you for you interest)

...

 

1. You mention that you have a question, but I couldn't glean what it was from what you wrote. I do have a lot to say about this, though.

 

2.  I realize it's probably annoying to have someone psychologize you from afar, especially after years of therapy.

 

3. You mention how you don't feel motivated to make something of you life, achieving important goals and dreams. To me, that sounds like a lack of self love and self denailworth, which would make absolute sense given a narcissistic mother who was invasive and had horrible boundaries. To be used like a poison container and source of entertainment for an empty person. And a father who didn't care enough about your well being to get over his own petty cowardice. That is, being treated for decades in an unloving manner.

 

4. You said that you feel anger and resentment, but then follow that with some ambiguous and ambivalent feelings around whether or not your parents loved you. I think this is extremely important, because this is going to affect how angry you get. If you think about your parents in terms of "they were immature and they loved me, but were too broken to be there for me" then that makes them sympathetic, and strips them of responsibility.

 

5.  I wonder how angry you truly allow yourself to be. I suspect that you block it with excuses and justifications. Or with self shaming, like it makes you immature for being angry.

 

...

 

6.  Love is our involuntary response to virtue, if we ourselves are virtuous. And love is less than meaningless if it doesn't change the way you treat someone. And let's just say that your parents did love you (I don't believe that, but ok). What difference could that possibly make? They have decades of restitution to make that I'm guessing they have no interest in doing. Your father just denies and denies and I don't know about your mother, but I'm guessing she'd just rage.

 

Whatever you excuse or justify in other people, you justify for yourself and invite back. Toxic personalities are rancid venom to our mental and emotional health. Anger, hatred and contempt are necessary to build up the healthy immunity to the narcissism and the cowardice in yourself.

 

7.  Anger is self love.

 

1. The question is why do I choose to spoil my life by being miserable just so that I will be sure my tormenters won't be happy for me.In case they have any love for me in any measure. I can not stand making them happy in any way! I seek attention to an extent by suffering (attention whoring).

 

2. Nope

 

3. I agree. I can add that my father is a rather clingy person too that do not know boundaries well either (in another way).

 

4. No I dont think it strips them of any responibility just becasue they were spoiled and immature. If you put children to this world you are responsible. What I am saying is that humans are not good or bad, but more good and bad. Denial is a powerful force in the human psyche. We can repress feelings of guilt or anger or anything else, and often by replacing them with a stronger one. Religion works like that.

 

5. I'm truly pissed allright, but the problem I feel I have is that I have no good way to get even, or if I really want to (ambivalence). I'm dealing with spoiled baby boomers here you see. If I make their world uncomfortable, something they have bee entitled to their whole life, I don't know where it would lead. I have tried to talk sense with my father, but it is like he's 3yrs old. He just do not want to "not have fun". I did not speak to him for many years before. It was not practical.

 

6. Yes love is meaningless if it does not change the way you treat someone. But real love does, so it is oxymoronic.

 

7. I doubt that anger is good companion to have 24/7.

 

1.Disorder suggests a lack of choice in the matter. If she didn't treat everybody equally, then it was a choice. The "disorder" she suffered from was sadism. Thanks to society's protection of child abuse, she was able to be sadistic towards you without any resistance or consequence. That's why she chose to do it towards you and not others.

 

 

2. A number of things here. First of all, you are not a perfectionist. It was inflicted upon you that failure was unacceptable. I mention this not only because you were owning your abuse, but also because you said happy and succeed as if they are the same thing. Failure is unavoidable, healthy, and natural. It's also a positive thing if we use it as a learning experience and/or motivation to improve.

 

3. I would argue that being sorry and miserable would make your parents proud because it would be the ultimate victory for them. 

 

3.1 Choosing your behaviors based on what others would want you to do is erasing yourself for them.

 

3.1.1 Plus, if you have no contact with your mother anymore, why would it matter how she'd view your station in life?

 

3.2 I'm curious as to why you'd have no further contact with your mother, but don't seem to have made that decision with your father also. He chose for her to be your mother. He chose not to protect you, in violation of his obligation towards you. He's chosen not to take responsibility for his allowance of aggression in your life. It sounds as if he's chosen to repeat the process with a new child(ren).

 

1. Yes I belive disorder can mean diminshed responsibility. The world is full of gray scales, and we have to use good judgement to establish level of guilt. If society is so totally protective of abusers, I wonder why she chose to be evil mostly in private?

 

2. I am really quite a bit of a perfectionist. Every time I woke up last nite I damned myself for my bad English and typing in the OP. I Have a lot of OCD habits too. Failure is a good thing if we can forge it to our advantage:

 

 

3. If it was so easy that people were either good or bad I would not be here. The choice would be easy.

 

3.1 Yes it is masochistic!

 

3.1.1 She would hear of my life via others.

 

3.2 It is a very valid question. I did defoo him for many years. But in a moment of weakness I started to talk to him again. Partly because he sent me money (and pressured me in another underhanded way), and I made the desision to thank him (I did  not want him to get the advantage of being able to call me ungrateful), but mostly because I was noticing that what I was doing was not working. I wanted to try to talk to him again to see if we could sort things out. Turns out he was not going to take any responsibility. I found defooing just to be a place of added lonliness. We have limited contact now. I can find him a bit indifferent towards his grand kids.

Thanks for sharing this. I am very sorry that you had this upbringing and that you have these feelings of nihilism today. The above replies are very thoughtful and I could come nowhere near at this stage. I just want to say that I had different but in many ways the same upbringing. 

My parents are dead now. They died of heart attack and cancer but what they really died of was misery. The cancer and the heart attck were just the final symptoms. What has been said above about the final victory of them over you is correct. By pure chance you were born to them.

 

Well, that you, and everyone else, for your interest.

 

My parents are not miserable, they live comfortable lifes. They consider me a failure that ought to make some better choices in his life, and apply myself. That might be why I don't...