I don't know what I'm supposed to want

[Starsky]

The topic might sound weird yet this is the question I currently face and have been for almost 40 years. 

 

A bit of background: I grew up with a fellow victim (twin sister), a sadistic and deranged mother and an indifferent father (he changed when my mother died at age 40 and became a single dad raising us).

In school I noticed that arts and crafts was an easy and enjoyable task and I always came up with terrific results. What I found to be an effortless and fantastic occupation was recognized as a great talent by all my arts teachers. That led me to studying interior design. My mother showed no interest in my abilities but rather pointed out that it's far more important to be good at subjects like maths, German and science since those are the areas where good money could be earned. She simply proclaimed 'you don't need that stuff' like all other preferences, passions, interests and desires I had. That witch made it clear that she considered her children to be worthless, embarrassing and a nuisance and my father happily chimed in with her. He made a 180 degree turn in his parenting once my mother was in hospital permanently. I, as an 11-year-old, assumed my mother not only terrorized her children but also her husband. Sadly, by then, I already had a damaged identity, if I ever even developed one...  

 

Fast forward to 2001 where I graduated. There I stood holding in my hands a diploma and I had no idea what to do with it. I was scared shitless of job interviews, constantly thinking I wasn't prepared enough to start an employment, lacked motivation and creativity. For the first time nobody told me what to do. Nobody assigned me a task. Instead I started working in dead-end jobs which required low skill sets like waiter jobs, helping out in my boyfriend's business or even as a test driver. All of those jobs were badly paid and I always got them through people who already worked there, so I never had to apply for a job. Beggars can't be choosy I thought. 

 

I quit my last shit-job almost a year ago to become a self-employed designer along with my partner who has been doing just that successfully for over 20 years. I know that this is a bold decision regarding my history of low level jobs, but I just couldn't stand the thought of wasting away my life as an underachiever. 

So in january I started catching up on the required software and helped out in my partner's business. Again, I was assigned tasks. As soon as I finished them I did nothing in the realm of design and creativity. I had no motivation what so ever. I just don't know what I want to design or create even though I am thrilled when I see good art or design. A blank page scares the hell out of me. There seems to be a block when it comes to deciding what to do with my life. I'm also interested in psychology but when I imagine having a degree there, I blank out too. 

 

I seem to be waiting for permission yet intellectually I know I don't need to. At best I can say 'I don't know what I want to do but I know what I don't want to do'. I feel hollowed out and a failure. Have any of you had similar experiences? I'd gladly appreciate any input.

 

 

 

[MMX2010]

I'm not sure whether this will help, but I think it will.

 

I have a similar educational / job background as you.  I felt strongly pressured to become a doctor by my parents, studied hard enough to get very good grades on the MCAT, and then realized I didn't want to be a doctor.  Then I studied to become a chemistry teacher, did that for three years, hated it.  Then I discovered that I was very good at SAT tutoring, and have done that for the past eight years. 

 

But SAT tutoring was always "just a job that I was very, very good at".  I did enjoy it, and I still do enjoy it.  But it was never something that I absolutely burned to do.

 

Until this month. 

 

A lot of things have happened to me.  But the long and short of it all is: (1) A man who presented himself (for years) as a very good friend who would stick with me no matter what has turned out to be the opposite.  (2) I'm running out of money, and now need to live with a new set of friends.  (3) In the midst of all this, I've decided to create over sixty YouTube videos of me giving free tutoring advice AND market myself to a boatload of guidance counselors as "a highly successful SAT tutor who's willing to tutor many of your students for free -- (just allow me access to the building, I'll do my thing, and ask for voluntary donations when we're done.  Oh, and guess what?  When they're not meeting with me, they can study the videos on my website, too.)". 

 

I've been making my videos for about three weeks now, and I'm fired the fuck up.  There are times at night when I explode out of bed in the middle of the night, because I'm excited about how great of an idea this is.  Sure I'm pissed that my best friend can't support me through this process, but I'm glad that I have another set of friends who is seemingly willing to do so.  And now I find myself thinking, "This is what I was meant to do.  I'm so good at it.  And think of the many people you'll help, freely, just because you can...." 

 

-------------------------

 

tl;dr - Don't expect the glorious feelings of "calling" and "love for work" to happen right away.  Keep putting the work in to whatever you're interested in, and wait for transformative feelings of Calling and Love to sneak up on you. 

[villagewisdom]

My very first podcast about 2 months or so ago contained a similar story. Unfortunately, when I was very young I had to get beat up by my husband a few times to realize that I was waiting for someone to tell me what to do and I was severely deficient in making even the smallest common sense decisions. I worked my way out of it over 25 years or so to the point that I could actually make enough money to live on comfortably. Along the way I developed my dream and for the last 14 years have been building it. I'm excited about adding the podcast as a sideline which has little to do with building my dream and everything to do with leaving the world a better place. 

 

I just remembered something. I only got ahead each time a man "white knighted" me and helped me get a different job up until I was 30. That was twice. One was a superintendent on a construction job I was working. He got me a job in another state away from my abusive husband. And then my dad got me a job interview with the aerospace division of GM that really set my future career path. So getting to the place where I was living comfortably required a man to do it for me. Sad. 

 

Anyway, after that I thought I went out completely on my own and only made my own choices. Really I was dependent on the non-profit organization I was involved with to "help" me make decisions. I spent 15 more years struggling and making some really bad decisions. I made some good ones too. I got to the point where I actually achieved stability in my relationships with people (happily married now) and began building my dream.

 

I don't know that there is an answer except keep putting one foot in front of the other and be ready when a door opens. I know some people plan their lives out and follow that plan. Mine has been just one step and another and another. I never knew where I was going. I do now but I didn't recognize it until I was 45 years old. I'm 59 now and actually have had a (general) plan for the last 14 years. It's coming to fruition in less than 2 years if all continues as planned. 

 

One thing I will say is that, during the 15-year struggle into making my own decisions, I gained a lot from studying intensely the metaphysics of the mind (including the spiritualist perspective), meditation, and self-help books to really understand myself. I'm not recommending that here as this forum is designed for logic and reasoning only. Just mentioning it as it was central to me getting to a place of being able to realize my dreams. I would do it again with few changes, but here I would recommend therapy -- self-therapy at the very least and meditation to connect with your dream regularly. Allow it the space to grow. Water it daily. Feed it regularly. And be ready to address growth spurts and a few pests and diseases along the way. You'll likely have to pull lots of weeds. It takes time and attention to grow your dreams. 

 

Stef's podcast has been the icing on the cake. I started listening a few months ago. I have gained additional self-respect and did get motivated to bring my experiences to the world. I started my podcast in an effort to reach other young girls that are having the same struggles I did and to give them another perspective to consider. I'm just starting out and don't really know where the podcast will lead. I'm just sharing my experiences and trying to pass along some "wisdom" from experience that will reduce the number of children born into adverse conditions -- and if they already have children, to really drive home peaceful parenting. 

 

No one can do it for you but hopefully we can inspire you to just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

[Starsky]

Thanks for your replies. 

 

Don't expect the glorious feelings of "calling" and "love for work" to happen right away.  Keep putting the work in to whatever you're interested in, and wait for transformative feelings of Calling and Love to sneak up on you. 

You're right. I guess I put far too much pressure on myself and I realize that I cannot will motivation and inspiration into existence. I decided to stop attacking myself for not being ambitious and enthusiastic. That would be repeating my childhood trauma. 

[MMX2010]

Thanks for your replies. 

 

You're right. I guess I put far too much pressure on myself and I realize that I cannot will motivation and inspiration into existence. I decided to stop attacking myself for not being ambitious and enthusiastic. That would be repeating my childhood trauma. 

 

Within four weeks, Stefan had a rant during a Call-in show which answered the question, "How am I supposed to be creative without self-attacking?"  (or something like that).

 

It went something like, "When you're creating something, don't observe yourself - just be.  And when you feel yourself self-attacking, get angry!  Ask those self-attacking parts of yourself, 'Hey, do you want to do all the work here?  Come on.  I'll step aside and let you take the wheel, since you're such an expert on creativity.  What's that?  You can't do it?  Well, then, if you can't do it, then why not step the fuck aside, because I'm trying to work here?'  Then, after you've gotten your self-critical aspects out of the way, you can create in the moment.  And only after completion can you step back and say, "That part's great.  That part was horrible; let's do better next time." 

[MMX2010]

Thanks for your replies. 

 

You're right. I guess I put far too much pressure on myself and I realize that I cannot will motivation and inspiration into existence. I decided to stop attacking myself for not being ambitious and enthusiastic. That would be repeating my childhood trauma. 

 

Mike Cernovich, from Danger and Play, has very quickly become "my other Stefan".  He may not call himself a philosopher, or maybe he would.  But he's a man's man, dedicated to helping men discover the best part of themselves. 

 

Mike recently released this video on motivation, which I hope you find helpful. 

 

[Dibble]

I struggle with the same issues. As a matter of fact our stories are pretty similar.

 

I watched this guy's video recently and thought it was pretty good: