Therapy with Parent, productive?

[JordanS]

Hi all,

 

I was wondering if anyone had experience with having therapy with their parent with them.

 

I don't know if this classifies as a different sort of therapy or you can just have your parent attend your sessions but my mother is open to it and i was wondering if this helped you progress.

[Drew.]

This type of therapy is usually known as family therapy. Personally, I've never done it. I don't think that it would have been productive in my case.

[MMX2010]

I'm not speaking from experience here, so I don't know how true this actually is. 

 

But I think a good rule is "It's a good idea to attend therapy with a parent who has shown a consistent number of sincere apologies.  But never attend therapy with a parent who hasn't provided this consistent number of sincere apologies." 

 

So, personally, I would never attend therapy with my dad, since he's unapologetic about his failures as a parent.  My mom, though, I only might go into therapy with her.  On the one hand, she's been very apologetic.  But on the other hand, I believe that therapy should be undergone separately first - and neither of us have begun any form of therapy. 

[LovePrevails]

only one way to find out

[JordanS]

I'm not speaking from experience here, so I don't know how true this actually is. 

 

But I think a good rule is "It's a good idea to attend therapy with a parent who has shown a consistent number of sincere apologies.  But never attend therapy with a parent who hasn't provided this consistent number of sincere apologies." 

 

So, personally, I would never attend therapy with my dad, since he's unapologetic about his failures as a parent.  My mom, though, I only might go into therapy with her.  On the one hand, she's been very apologetic.  But on the other hand, I believe that therapy should be undergone separately first - and neither of us have begun any form of therapy. 

 

Ok, and what if the parent has not apologised? Do you solicited an apology from them?

 

Interesting about the separate therapy, then family therapy aspect.

[MMX2010]

Ok, and what if the parent has not apologised? Do you solicited an apology from them?

 

Interesting about the separate therapy, then family therapy aspect.

 

I could try to solicit an apology from my father, but I would never do so without the help of a therapist.  Nor would I do so without a solid grounding of Real-Time Relationships. Even still, I wouldn't expect my father to be apologetic, because he's spent his entire life blaming other people for everything.

 

In my opinion, separate therapy indicates whether my parents are serious about helping me and understanding me.  If I can go to therapy to confront my inner demons, so can they.  And if they don't go to therapy, while I do go to therapy, chances are fairly high that they'll dismiss anything I learn from therapy.  Once they do that, I've no reason to be in their lives. 

[JordanS]

I could try to solicit an apology from my father, but I would never do so without the help of a therapist.  Nor would I do so without a solid grounding of Real-Time Relationships. Even still, I wouldn't expect my father to be apologetic, because he's spent his entire life blaming other people for everything.

 

In my opinion, separate therapy indicates whether my parents are serious about helping me and understanding me.  If I can go to therapy to confront my inner demons, so can they.  And if they don't go to therapy, while I do go to therapy, chances are fairly high that they'll dismiss anything I learn from therapy.  Once they do that, I've no reason to be in their lives. 

 

So in your opinion, you should not say "You should apologise for my abusive childhood"?

 

Not necessarily with your Dad, just generally.

[MMX2010]

So in your opinion, you should not say "You should apologise for my abusive childhood"?

 

Not necessarily with your Dad, just generally.

 

Oh, hell no.   

 

The last chapter of Real-Time Relationships gives targeted advice.  Have you read it? 

 

This is a link to a free PDF version of that book:  https://freedomainradio.com/old-free/books/FDR_3_PDF_Real_Time_Relationships.pdf

 

--------------------

 

I'd say something like, "I feel sad whenever I think about my childhood."  Followed by, "I feel sad and angry whenever I think back to those times when you spanked me." 

 

Such statements invite the other party to either: (A) respond with genuine empathy and compassion, or (B) respond with one of many evasions and defenses outlined in the book.  Either way is a victory, because either way provides closure. 

[JordanS]

Thanks, i've been meaning to read RTR, i'll post back with the result.

[QueechoFeecho]

RTR is interally intense to implement in real life.  The reason none of what it is meant to address has already been addressed is because everybody's brains are wired to seek pleasure in avoiding all the things it is meant to address. 

 

That was an awkward sentence. 

[MMX2010]

RTR is interally intense to implement in real life.  The reason none of what it is meant to address has already been addressed is because everybody's brains are wired to seek pleasure in avoiding all the things it is meant to address. 

 

That was an awkward sentence. 

 

Your sentence is only half-true.  RTR is internally intense when RTR is practiced on someone who we either: (A) suspect will not be receptive, or (B) are unsure will be receptive.

 

However, RTR is not-at-all internally intense when practiced on someone who has a long history of being warm and receptive to our deepest feelings. 

[QueechoFeecho]

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.  Good point, for real.