chewit Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 My 11 year old son and I were discussing aggression and anger the other day. It was a long talk and to cut a long story short he tells me that when they argue (We have been seperated for over 9 years) she often shouts him down (I and others have noticed her over-enthusiasm in this regard), and he tells me that she also grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him very hard, and sometimes when she does this, that she throws him down onto the sofa. He tells me she doesn't spank or beat him. He is an honest boy and he tells the truth, after careful questioning, I am 100% that he is telling the truth on this. My quandry is how in the hell do I approach her about this? We (me and his mother) have had our differences over the years (and still do!) but we have gotten to a space where we can communicate well enough to a degree to be effective parents, I have him a fair amount of the time and I really don't want to upset the balance we - and more on point, our son - are currently enoying. I understand a fair amount about her, I can see the emotionally abusive behaviours she acts out on him and various other things, although questions about her may be answered if relevant, I am really looking to ask how do I approach this with her directly? She can be quite flighty and as soon as she is being held responsible for something, the tables are flipped in order to deflect this responsibility. In short, she is mostly unreasonable. Any ideas?
VolT Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Answering your question: Lets assume that the objective of the discussion will be to get her to stop the abuse. Do you think that she will stop the abuse after a discussion? And not repeat? Yes: Have the conversation with her when your son is not there, phone call or face to face. I hear that you are being abusive to my son, how would you feel if I treated you this way? Unreasonable people will attack you at this point. which brings us to..... No: No need to discuss, you need to take other actions to stop your son experiencing abuse. My experience:I too had an unreasonable, abusive mother [there was no spanking/beating yet still abusive behaviours]. When I was in that situation, I just wanted to be away from it all, and that someone would just remove me from the situation. I wasn’t capable on my own.My question would be, what do they argue about? If she is unreasonable then she is probably arguing with him over unreasonable expectations too.How frequent is this?Is it a possibility for you to remove him from the situation?Have you asked him what he would like?Are you sure your son really is enjoying this balance? Put your self in his shoes, you have to go back into that house, and live there knowing the abuse. You are not capable of doing anything about it. How would you feel? It isolated me. Made me quiet.My mother didn’t deserve the effort of reason people put in her. Edit----Changed sentence Yes: Have the conversation with her when your son is not there, phone call or face to face. I hear that you are being abusive to my son, how would you feel if I treated you this way?
dsayers Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 If your 11 year old is not capable of surviving on his own, than you have an obligation to protect and provide for him until he does. This means obstructing abusers' access to him. It doesn't matter what she's like beyond willing to aggress against a defenseless, not there by choice, dependent child. Also, what is the purpose of saying she doesn't beat him? She's not supposed to beat him! This doesn't make what she IS doing any better. I'd contact an attorney and try to get an idea of what the climate is like where you're at. He might tell you that legally, you can shelter the child immediately. He might tell you to set up spy cams to record the assaults. I don't know. But I wouldn't waste a moment while your child is at known risk of repeat assault. Obviously, the prevention (for the benefit of others) is self-knowledge, which will lead to choosing a co-parent that will protect your child, not harm them.
MysterionMuffles Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 dear God...I just feel really bad for the kid. Shaking someone so violently can cause whip lash and being thrown around like that...ah I'm sorry I have nothing to offer in my post but sympathy for your son. I dunno HOW you can approach someone this aggressive who is also proud of the way she acts... Is there anything positive that comes from his time with his mother other than simply being with his biological mother?
Panzermk2 Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 What ever you do make sure to record any and all conversations with her. Even with it family court BS she can unleash can be devastating.
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