Emotional Hell

[soulshock]

I've got to be honest, i'm giving up on trying whatever intent i had for this damn post. I'm not good at writing. Circumstances or environments are, to be vague, like a big picture, of which you have to paint it through language. A medium i'm not always sure is up to the task. Actually more often is not and is innately flawed. Not only that but the process takes too much time and specifically patience, things which many people seem to be lacking, or in reality has limits. I don't know how to write this shit, i don't know how far to go into it. How many words seems equal to how much one wants to see, and i'm not good at discerning how much is enough. How much into a thing does one wish to see, i've no idea. Language is shit.

 

i'll still post where ever i got because it would be a waste if i didn't. I tried to highlight the main text and give notes expanding within it, but that has no damn end. I'm frustrated with this. We're an innately ignorant species when genuine understanding requires time and patience, something too few people have. It asks of us go beyond our comfort zones, an act life build in to feel like shit. Or maybe it's me and if everything worked as such things would be fucking dandy but they're not. Fuck it.

 

Maybe pick something and i'll expand on it. I won't fucking stop if i do this myself. 

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Im not sure where to start, though the title is a start. I didn't know what category to put it in but i do feel that being male is subtly or possibly a part of it, in some manner.

There are 2 statements that my family has used on me recently which struck me. The first is "Deal with it!", being i've a developing alcoholism which hit a new low for me last week at a family dinner. The second being "Your perfectly fine! Theres nothing wrong with you, your making a choice!" used on me tonight, in the face of how i've been living and what i've been doing for the past 8ish years. I'll try and expand on them.

 

 

So first.. maybe how i've been living. I'm essentially a 'no life'. For the past decade i've been sitting on the computer in either a basement or storage room, day after day all day, alone. I've no real friends or contact, besides online acquaintances which is pseudo. I do not work, and the times i have started working i haven't been able to keep a job longer then a month. Typically i drop out due either a health issue, some picture or experience starts bugging me, or shoddy choice i guess.. I've worked maybe 5-7 different times. I've been battling depression, or a torturous chest pain. I have become progressively riddled with vice due to this, to which at this point there is little i do which is not some act of vice or bodily process onto itself i have to do. There more to this but i don't feel capable of going into it at the moment. This i think is enough for now, if this goes on. Not sure where this thread is going or can go.

 

The first statement, "Deal with it!", was used by my gay sister on me after a family turkey dinner the next morning. (Her being gay I've not the slightest issue with because i know the life she's lived and what drove her to it, and i've consistently expressed openness about it to her and everyone. People ask me what i think about it in general, i say i cannot speak on something that is not my experience. "So go to the source"). At the turkey dinner I got so drunk that i started taking everyones alcohol without asking, and completely shitfaced was roaming around getting some to take home. This was a new low for me. I've had many progressive lows in my life which i can list if someone wants. (I messaged a cousin to apologize and said essentially that I was sorry and that "I drink only alone and i guess that without any sense of feedback i couldn't see how far i was going with it. The dinner last night revealed that". This applies in more then one context besides drinking) But she was furious and aggressive at me the next day, scolded me said how she was disgusted. (to which i replied in apathy because shes been potently one of the most heartless people in my life), then dropped the statement. Now (in my vain experience of communication) i wanted to say to her, that she know

[Lothar Zogg]

Is your chest pain sorrow?

 

I just recieved a book by Alice Miller called "The body never lies". I have not read it yet, but the subject should interest you.

 

My suggestion is to start a journal, and never stop! You have to get your feeling down on "paper" so you can go back and compare. With time patterns should be visible. A days entry of a few words can be very valuable. When you get to a stage where you can accurately express your emotions you will make progress.

 

[soulshock]

I'll look up the book and the author.

 

Yes the chest pain is very potent sorrow. The feeling tends to trigger as well when i look at humanity but i can't make the distinction if it's what i'm looking about humanity or what i may be projecting onto it. Multiple things trigger the same experience so i'm lead in a sense to believe it's me.

 

I've actually written a lot over the years an have a quite a few note pads, though i did stop. Trying to express things to my family i've always hit a wall, and a few years ago realised "no amount of clarity, no matter how thorough, how compassionate, or how much effort you give can give another their own will to listen". The experience of vanity or futility has been quite strong in my life. I always have things i wanted to say to them but whenever i would try in the past i was always shot down or it was disregarded. I now don't say anything, just let them say whatever they want and don't reply. Once they're done i go back to what i've been doing. Have issues giving a damn. They're not the brightest people on the planet..

[Slavik]

Hi soulshock.  There is a lot of loneliness and and anger in your words.  I can only imagine the horrendous childhood you had.  I can see in your description that you are desperately trying to connect with your family, yet end up like a thrashing boat in a stormy dark sea, cold and battered by them.  You are currently in depression, depression is a serious disorder, its very disabling.  Alcoholism is self medication, this has to do with trauma that you might have experienced as a child.  If you can I would strongly suggest a therapist.  I am not sure in which part of the world you live, I might be able to chat with you if you like, just as a start.

[soulshock]

I'm in Ontario Canada. But ya you hit it well on the head, though i'm quite forgetful. I am very interested in a therapist, only issues is initiative to get there. Though honestly I've a very potent self suppression behavior, not very good at opening up.

You you, whats confusing about this is that i know i have had trauma, but i can't pinpoint what it is that traumatized me. I have many of the signs that i have been, but I don't know what it was. Leads me to question if i'm lying or not.

[Slavik]

I'm in Ontario Canada. But ya you hit it well on the head, though i'm quite forgetful. I am very interested in a therapist, only issues is initiative to get there. Though honestly I've a very potent self suppression behavior, not very good at opening up.

You you, whats confusing about this is that i know i have had trauma, but i can't pinpoint what it is that traumatized me. I have many of the signs that i have been, but I don't know what it was. Leads me to question if i'm lying or not.

Hi soulshock.  When it comes to trauma its all of the things together that cause it, it doesnt have to be a single event.  Even from your current description I can say there was quiet a lost of neglect in your childhood, the fact that you are self medicating is a sign of possible physical abuse as well, although neglect can cause just as much damage to a child as any physical abuse.  The part of not being sure, is absolutely normal, majority of people who suffered as children, have a tendency to minimize their suffering in their mind.

[soulshock]

Ya neglect has been a very big part of it. My family fought, or yelled a lot, especially my father. Both my parents seem to be in their own worlds, or clueless to some degree. Over the years trying to talk or engage (Engage is a better word than talk. Everybody talks.. everybody communicates. Very few engage) with them repeatedly proved futile or vain.The only solace I've been able to find in life has most often been the computer. I've spent literally years on it. One incredible thing about it is that it's been a window into the world, great minds and peoples stories. Very early on i was drawn to people like Norman Finkelstein, James Nachtwey, Noam Chomsky. There are so many more names i could add to that list over the years. Such an insane spectrum of people..

 

I know as i started looking further into the world through the internet that i was being exposed to things, people, and ideas that my family and immediate family hardly ever fathomed. I was open to it and you could say you only grow to the extent you are exposed. Eventually i think i grew highly out of touch with my family. if your a part of a community, if you think tribal, you all have the same degree of exposure and reference. When someone uses language about some thing, the other people most likely has been exposed to the same thing and the language triggers for them that same exposure. I think i naively early on as i was learning about things tried to communicate with my family and appeared highly foreign or sporadic, random. What i was doing didn't make any sense to what they knew. To this i just sank further into isolation or hermitage, and i went full tilt into watching or reading into things. The rejection or disconnect i felt from my family might of done that and the computer might have been my solace. Though now i've become or developed into something i don't even know and can't find a place for, I've become to separate and different operation from my family i literally communicate or express nothing. No ills i'm feeling, or even feelings or emotions. I have tried but even things that basic they seem blind or aggressive to. I know i havent had an environment to grow thats one thing, emotionally stunted might be a good term.Any time i talk about this i feel pompous.